Why does love for many people disappear after marriage?

People use the word love all the time without even really meaning it, its one of the most misused words in this world. We have been influenced by Hollywood films, music and fairytales that instilles a warped sense of the perfect relationship and unrealistic expectations, making it seem like real love can be achieved with little effort. In relationships people tend to use the word a lot but not carry out the actions to go with it, its the old saying 'actions are more important then words'. Also people tend to get carried away by infatuation and physical passion, and mistake that for love. And thats why I think 'love' doesnt last throughout a marriage.
Love should not be restricted and desire and protect and help only the ones to who it feels an attraction, for your own gain. It shouldnt be used to manipulate the other person. That is a selfish kind of 'love'
Real love is selfless and seeks nothing for itself. Real true love should not seek in any way to perform any action because it will bring some satisfaction to the individual, people treat it like some drug which is why in a lot of marriages or long relationships when one person no longer feels that satisfaction that is lust, we give up and move on for our next 'fix', someone who can stroke our ego and make us feel good about ourselves.
Pretty obvious that people often mistake lust for love these days and I think real true love within a relationship is extremely rare if it even exists.

I don't know what everyone means when they say "love". It seems everyone has a different idea of what feeling/experience is love.

I consider it a deep knowing and appreciation for someone, which creates empathy. What the other feels, you also feel.
If you tend towards happiness, then you also feel driven towards happiness for the other.

If my husband is unhappy with me, I do not want to stay with him because I feel it too. It becomes an inner conflict I need to resolve to feel integrity.

I suspect that that empathy needs to be nurtured in order to retain it. Deep knowledge and awareness of each other and each others internal workings needs to be kept up, otherwise you drift apart, become less aware of each others feelings, and the relationship crumbles.

Talking to each other is essential to nurturing that empathy. Sometimes, with all the responsibilities and activities people get caught up in with having a family and a home, the communication gets neglected. The beginning of the end.

I sometimes think the idea that only a marriage for life is a successful marriage is false. Perhaps that marriage has fulfilled all that they wanted out of it. The partnership has been a success and is done.

I don't know. I'm just saying that when I speak in depth to some divorcees, it sounds to me like love is there, but the marriage simply came to it's point of fulfillment and natural ending. It could be celebrated then!
-Especially people who married with the intent of creating a family. That was the goal, the goal was fulfilled, on to the next adventure. This relationship wasn't made for, created for, other endeavors.

The expectation that a marriage can only be successful if it goes until death of both participants may simply be false.

A lot of times too, I hear this idea that the partners undertook the marriage with the intent of changing who that person was into something else. I am dubious of this excuse. EVEN if two people marry under such circumstances, they have to both be aware and willing- meaning the target of the intended changes wanted to become different, and saw their partner as an aid in that endeavor, or an outside pressure to motivate and push them.

It might be copping out to then point a finger and say the partner was evil because they wanted to change you.


I don't know why my marriage has lasted almost 30 years, I had no expectations consciously. I didn't say "until death do we part" (I wrote my own vows) because that just sounded terribly unrealistic to me. I was thinking more like until divorce do we part!

I had a talk with him in depth last night, and I asked him a very serious question - why are you still with me?

I hear him say I am hard to follow, because I change careers every couple of years, take on new hobbies and interests, my feelings about things change..... basically it sounded worse than that. It sounded like life with me is hell, really. It was pretty depressing. I won't go into all the details. But it followed the oft-repeated idea that women are irrational, illogical, impossible to live with, a pain in the butt basically.

All I could say is that I see nothing more illogical and irrational than to state ones terrible unhappiness with someone, while also making effort to say this in a way which will please her and make her stay. WHY would you make any effort to stay in a situation which is a source of unhappiness???

God, my irrational nature had the desire to get up, put on a backpack and never come back. Feeling his unhappiness was more than I could stand.

I guess in the end he found the "right" words (eye roll here, must acknowledge the irony ) because something did make sense. I asked well, is there anything positive at all about being with me? Anything at all that might conciliate the lack of logic in this declaration?

He said yes. I don't get in way of his happiness in other parts of his life. I encourage and respect his (many) hobbies and interests. More irony here- he's a hoarder. He also goes from collecting checker cabs to jet planes to old toys, .... his interests change every couple of years too. He imagines any other woman would complain about it all, hand down ultimatums (me or the crap!), complain of the attention and time spent on these other pursuits.

I didn't know what to think of that. Maybe it needs to stew for a while. But I am beginning to suspect that the "goal" or intent of our partnership might have been simply to help each other live out our individual dreams. Whatever they may be or become. He bought me a horse long ago because it was one of my dreams. He paid for and watched me scuba diving, even though he couldn't pull any pleasure from it directly (scared him). He's complaining about my adventurous eclectic nature, but he has been as supportive of it all as I have been for him.

I guess, if you start from the viewpoint that the other needs to be the main focus and source of all happiness, this sounds sad. But I suspect that if either of us expected the other to fulfill all of our curiosity and drives, we would definately have let each other down and ended it long ago. That is just too much to ask of a human.

We could only promise each other to support our individual search for happiness elsewhere out there in the world- but at least that is something we've been able to live up to.

Even if it is sort of like having a racehorse wife, as he put it. Scary and exciting at the same time.

Now I feel better. It was a weird conversation. I needed to digest it.

I may be a cynical in this area but I don't really believe that most people truly "love" each other when committing to these kinds of long-term situations. Our culture sells us relationships and marriage as things that we are expected to just do. Combined that with our animal instincts of sexuality and we have our situation.
People make friends and might like being around them or find the romantic idea of umm...romance, to seem appealing but they don't realize what they are actually putting themselves into, contrary to what they actually want (being sex or even simply friendship).
I won't get into relationship dynamics, but with true "love" itself (which is a hard thing to fathom), is by far not superficial and it is certainly obsessive, even scary. True "love" is really not something that can disappear, it accepts all of the ugly and unattractive aspects of what it is to be human. It is still warm, dedicated and understanding at moments that would break most relationships/marriages.
But I'm also quite sure that most humans aren't cut out for this kind of "love", myself included. It's only due to our society/culture that we are put in this situation of almost being forced to live in one place, experience one country, stay in a job and become predictable, living up to the expectations around us. True "love" doesn't conform to this really.

A man can say that he loves, but at the same he goes to work and cheats his wife with the secretary.

Right there....you just confused love with sex. Two different things.

Mostly, people get married too young, and don't really know what they want. Folks who marry in their 30's, on the other hand, had time to "find themselves" and have a better handle on what they want out of life. THAT is when you look for a match, not before then.

On the contrary, I think the LOVE between my wife and I has just grown stronger each year, as we've been through ups and downs, etc. Sadly, the SEX part of that equation usually suffers due to aging, responsibilities, etc. but the love has grown I think.

originally posted by: Gazrok
Mostly, people get married too young, and don't really know what they want. Folks who marry in their 30's, on the other hand, had time to "find themselves" and have a better handle on what they want out of life. THAT is when you look for a match, not before then.

I think it has less to do with knowing what one wants and more to do with appreciating & being comfortable with taking on the Adult mantle by then. Understanding and adapting to no longer being a kid with most responsibilities/reliances covered by parents, in other words. When someone finally realizes mom and/or dad aren't going to save the day for them anymore when they feel like being irresponsible or selfish, they either succeed in the transition to adulthood, or discover they have enabler parents sabotaging that succession of life stages.

I married at 22 and had no qualms with adapting to marriage, but I'd also had the hurdles of teenage homelessness and a full time teenage job, both of which lend towards learning responsibility & self-reliance whether you're ready for the leap or not. I was dragged along into homelessness by my mother and learned firsthand how being irresponsible ain't the way to go in life, too much is lost being irresponsible & it's a tough climb back up out of the ensuing pit. It was an early lesson in it, but I did grow up a little faster for it, knew what definitely not to do in life when it came to choices & self-centeredness and so forth. It paid off for me in that I took on that Adult mantle sooner than usual.

Now granted, my husband was in his 30's when we married, and that may have had something to do with our smooth sailing if your assertion of finding oneself had anything to do with it. Or maybe we just got lucky finding compatible personalities in each other. Regardless, it's been 11+ years and it's going along like a fine wine ages.

a reply to: Nyiah

Exceptions to every rule (or guideline). Your teenage years' experience pretty much equated to what most go through in their 20's, so you got a head start on it. Your other half already fits the profile I mentioned.

But, it is good to point out that there are exceptions. My "marry only in your 30's" mantra is more of a guideline than a hard and fast rule...

Because they didn't understand what love was to begin with and so didn't really love.

Love is not the bovine #e warm and fuzzy feeling that Hollywood and popular culture tells the world it is. Love is a commitment made intentionally, conscientiously and intentionally. Sometimes the warm and fuzzies accompany it, sometimes they fade away, but the real love continues.

Sadly, or maybe not so sadly, our kids can always turn to Mom and Dad for help. At least in any way we can. We'd certainly welcome them back in the house as opposed to them living on the street or something.

Of course, they got a little bit of a cushion, only moving out in their early 20's. They did pay rent though, but they are just learning how to "adult" and getting their "freedom"....lol.

But, I'm looking forward to making our son's room into my gameroom/home office, and we already made our daughter's room into a guest bedroom... 4 Bedrooms, and just me and the wife now...so some space to play with. (the 4th bedroom is already my wife's scrapbooking room/home office.)

My own experience is all I have to relate to this question. My marriage is on it's last gasp. She asked me to leave 6 months ago, saying she didn't want to be married anymore. So, I left, utterly shellshocked and unable to really react differently. I don't feel like I can force someone to do something they don't want to do. Yes I know, a lot of things wrong with that but still, I was hurt beyond my own ability to express.
Well I've had a lot of time on my hands of late since separation and I tend to introspection... Things always look different from a distance right? 20/20 and all that...but when you're knee deep in it it's different isn't it?
Sooooo, I had the best of intentions and would've stuck it out unto death. Things were deteriorating, had been for a couple of years, but I had no idea how to address the problems. I knew what was driving me to resent her, what I considered destructive to our relationship, what the points of irritation were etc... but I literally had no foundation or experience to fall back on.
My father was distant, I don't remember my mother being my mother, my dad left her when I was young. He had similarly distanced himself and therefor me from all other extended familial relationships and exposure. I married at 33, but had had little experience with real relationships. Girls wanted marriage but not relationships, and I was self aware enough to know I was not mature enough, ready, or able.
I'm 49 now. The point? I believe the lack of a stable family dynamic to learn from as I grew up handicapped me.. this is not a new idea I believe, the divorce rate going through the roof, lack of role models, lack of grandparents/uncles/aunts etc to learn from and interact with and learn from. I've always been good at remembering odds and ends, esoterica, errata, but rarely could apply it to my own benefit. I've always been amazed at wherever I find myself, an eternal wallflower..spectator to the wonders all around. But I could never understand the motivations of a woman. I speak plainly, utterly honestly, and find my wife still cannot believe that everything I've ever uttered doesn't have some hidden meaning, objective or agenda, despite repeating it endlessly for 15 years..
Who's fault? I'll take the heat here, in failing to respond in meaningful ways to head off problems I was responsible. Just because I didn't know how to respond or head off impending problems is moot. I erred on the side of caution and treading lightly, trusting that time and patience overcome all. How silly of me. I should have gone to the artificial family, the adviser, the counselor/therapist..
I love her. But she'll likely be the only wife I'll ever take. Her rejection of me and her failure to afford me the same trust and confidence and patience I clung to - have "wounded me to the quick" as has been said by others more eloquent then I.
I won't do it again because I can't afford to suffer the trauma again. God willing I'll heal, grow, and someday try again. Maybe.
But I believe this is not a unique experience, is it harder for so many to Love and be happily married because so many have a similar handicap?
I failed to do things that are in retrospect simple and necessary and commonsense. But in the moment - the noise created by stresses and problems and grievances blinded me to the possible solutions. This is my first marriage, my first time trying to be a father, my first time trying to be human that I can remember anyway , my first time adulting... and I must've lost the manual everyone else has because I just don't know what to do most of the time ... I blew it and I believe that one person can steer things with the right action.
It's hard to recognize so many shortcomings in oneself and not be bitter. But I believe I'm not here to be happy or change the world, learning and growing are probably it. How can I be here and be so utterly inept if it were otherwise?

Nobody knows what to do. Anyone who says otherwise is BS'ing you.

Who's fault? I'll take the heat here

Nope, takes two to make or break a relationship. The end or change of a relationship doesn't always have to be someone's FAULT. Chances are much more likely you BOTH did things, said things, didn't say things that affected the other in a negative way.

From your description though, sounds like you never TALKED to each other about it. I totally get this. The main issue in my own marriage, I really CAN'T discuss with her, because all it does is make her all depressed, so I totally get the urge NOT to talk.

That's where a third party can come in handy, whether a friend, or a counselor, etc.

Now, I'm usually the first one to talk down professional head shrinking. Why? Because they overanalyze and try to generalize and label, and categorize everyone. We don't work that way. But...it can help to have an uninvolved person to speak to, for BOTH of you to speak to, to see if this is worth salvaging, or even if ending, to end in a way to at least have the most productive impact for all.

So, that's my advice. Find someone for BOTH of you to talk to, and see if they can help.

originally posted by: Gazrok


So, that's my advice. Find someone for BOTH of you to talk to, and see if they can help.

Highly underrated movie. Loved that one.

a reply to: Gazrok

On the nose. Everything gets weird and suddenly simple isn't, more stress creates noise in the environment and obfuscates the right thing to do. The dust settles and you're wondering how did I get here? No malice present just bewilderment.
Like some Woody Allen relationship bit. Absurdities abound in relationships and "Love"...

a reply to: ChemicalAli

We should never stop working on the relationships.

Some people just stopped trying. They don't date or court the person anymore. What felt like Valentines Day everyday is now a monotony for couples who barely do anything together after work.

a reply to: ChemicalAli

The reason is simple - they just stop working and believing in their relationship. You should never stop. But not only you, your partner should do the same

Relationships is a hard work. Never stop working, dreaming and desiring something new with your partner