At the brinck of separation.

a reply to: CovertAgenda

lol...you're likely right!

Cheating usually is more about ego stroking than sex.

A wife lives with her husband and eventually knows all his flaws. She stops treating him like her hero (usually) and nags him for wet towels on the floor.
Along comes a female who says, "oh you poor thing, she doesn't appreciate you" and BAM! She makes him feel special again, and that makes him think SHE is special.

Honestly, if a potentially cheating partner started investing the time and energy into the marriage that they invest in the affair, they could likely get back to more romance, sex and good self esteem.
Unless the other partner is self-absorbed and unwilling to change.
It always takes 2.
2 to cheat but also 2 to make it work.
jacy

a reply to: jacygirl

So much truth in your post. I would only want to add that sometimes people just fall out of love and don't desire to be with their partner anymore.
The initial 'straying' away could be a direct result of a change of life or a mid life crisis or something of that nature. I think that people can change (sometimes drastically) over time and perhaps what they desired in a partner 5,10 or 20 years ago aren't the same things they desire today. Growing apart, if you will.
You know I can't stand people being unhappy (I know it's part of life but still) and sometimes, it is easier on both if one just realizes defeat (?) and lets it go. The other partner will choose their path as well and for better or worse have to live with those decisions.
I hope I made some sense of what I was trying to say LOL.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

Thank you, and you're correct too! (of course you made sense!)

If people grow apart they should honour the relationship enough to be honest and address the issue.
Running off to have an affair is so hurtful, regardless of the situation.

I didn't let it ruin me when it happened and chose not to "blame the next one for the last one"...but it does make you sometimes secretly wonder, when you've been through it before.

I even understood my ex-husband's behaviour somewhat as I was entirely wrapped up with a 4-year old and twin babies. I didn't have time for him. But they were his kids too, and he basically abandoned them because he was getting great sex. (he admitted that to me) Meh, priorities eh?
jacy

a reply to: Nyberg

Sorry friend....but 1st off...welcome here. Ive been where you are...and it can go either way.

Sometimes? In a case as you describe here...female opinion can be insightful...and Im sure our members will jump in. I do know the LADY MEMBERS of ATS is a great source for advice on this.

Lastly? As a male with some experience here as I said...time heals. The truth usually comes out one way or another. In your case...hopefully not too late.

At a certain point? I'd stop trying to defend yourself..and let it be for now. The prisons and jails are FULL of people who scream "It wasnt me!" and "I didnt DO it!". It can make you LOOK guilty!

So, hold your place...Good luck to you both....

MS

a reply to: Nyberg

Ask her one question...

"Do you trust me completely?"

If she cannot say "yes", you should know you married the wrong woman.

Simple.

a reply to: Nyberg

Let's put aside her statements and get to the root cause. She feels insecure and is desiring your attention. Her mind is warping things. She's become paranoid and like she doesn't feel good enough. "I am not good enough, there's better women than me".


Maybe I'm wrong, but after 22 years, you might be well beyond the honeymoon stage with each other and you've dropped "courting" each other. If this is something you want to save, may I suggest you do some romantic gestures to rekindle the romance that led you guys to spend 22 yrs together? Maybe write her, and read it to her, the reasons why you fell in love with her and choose HER daily over every other woman. Try to rediscover each other. Your child has grown up - it is time to have fun together again.

Just a suggestion from a fellow female

a reply to: jacygirl

The wife learns to adjust to being a mostly single parent and when Daddy is home it can almost seem like a disruption to the general flow of life that she's become accustomed to.

I'm a husband/father; not a wife/mother but there is SO MUCH truth to what you said.

Our situation is a little different. I work construction (start the day early/finish the day early-ish) and my wife works in the medical field which allows her to work the evening shift to limit our need for babysitters. While neither of us travel for work, we essentially only see each other on the weekends (when neither of us work overtime).

She does the day stuff. Getting him ready for school, dropping him off, picking him up. I do the night stuff. Homework, dinner, bath and bedtime.

It's definitely gotten a LOT better but I absolutely know what you mean about the disruption of routines. There was a point when during the weekends, as the time of the nightly rituals SHOULD get started.... I would find myself almost annoyed that she was around and things didn't go as they normally do.

I know this is a far cry from having a spouse that is hundreds or thousands of miles away (because even when we don't really "see" each other for days we see evidence in the house of each other), but you nailed it in your post.

a reply to: jacygirl

A wife lives with her husband and eventually knows all his flaws. She stops treating him like her hero (usually) and nags him for wet towels on the floor.

Again, you stated something that has a lot of truth to it.

Over the years I've learned that saying, "I love you" means a LOT and also means not so much.

That is, it burns about 1 calorie to say the words. When I tell my wife I love her, I know she knows I mean it. When she tells me she loves me I know she means it. But that is the easy part. The part that takes a little bit of effort is expressing that love in more tangible ways.

In a strange way, when my wife comes home from work and she hears the sound of the clothes dryer going and the dishwasher going and the house is all nice and clean.... that's sort of a REAL way of me expressing my love. It's the effort we put in, even when we are tired from the workday, that shows we love and care and are all-in.
(Disclaimer: I'm not saying that cleaning the house is the wife's responsibility; just saying that a way to express love is to take care of your spouse and the home you share).

a reply to: DAVID64
I am 57 and yes I have been taking my wife out for the occasional 2 day wellness trip and going for leisure activities such as swimming, walking normally once a week and many more activities. Activities my wife really enjoys just as much as I do. Just last Saturday we went to enjoy the musical Evita and had a great time together. At least that is the way I perceived it. But no matter what, my wife often mentions that I am not fully honest with her. In her mind, my feelings are not true and that I never really loved her. This is absolutely hurting me because my wife has always been the love of my life and I will keep trying to prove it to her but this is anything but easy-but it is worth it. Because? I love her.