This is why you should never take personal rejection personally

originally posted by: NobodiesNormal

originally posted by: Profusion
My rejection of her had nothing to do with her. Sometimes you can be perfect and get rejected based on things that are completely unrelated to you.

does she know that? did you tell her that? perhaps part of the reason she is so insulted is because she does not know your reasons since you havnt shared them with her, if you and her both could easily tell she was making advances and you were set on refuting them you should have communicated with her, leveled with her, told her why. so she would know.

perhaps the lesson you ought to have learned is to communicate better.

This is a tough situation. I sent her an email about why I wanted to add her as a friend on the instant messaging program I mentioned, and concerning my vision for our future relationship, I only wrote "I think it might be interesting to chat" or something like that because I didn't want to come off the wrong way.

How do I explain what you just wrote without seeming desperate or pushy? I don't even want to go too far by using the word "friend." I mean, we've known each other for almost nine years, and I'm suddenly reaching out to become her friend for the first time out of nowhere? The last time I spoke to her it was about a possible job where she works...this is all very suspicious. Of course she thinks I have ulterior motives. If I start talking about past mistakes or a bright future between us, it just makes me look increasingly desperate or pushy and full of ulterior motives.

My only choice is to wait for to reply to the instant message I sent her. If that doesn't happen, maybe after a month I'll try to contact her another way or send her another instant message.

I really don't want to discuss this anymore. I'm creeping myself out at this point.

This was not the way I wanted this thread to go...

a reply to: Profusion

So in other words, you want to discuss relationships in a real, honest and personal way, without getting real, honest and personal in any way.

originally posted by: knowledgehunter0986
a reply to: Profusion

So in other words, you want to discuss relationships in a real, honest and personal way, without getting real, honest and personal in any way.

Foot-in-the-door technique

Talk about friendship comes later.

a reply to: Profusion

Or you can just be honest, real and straightforward and you wouldn't need any tactics. It's not a game, and it's not as complicated as you make it seem.

My only choice is to wait for to reply to the instant message I sent her. If that doesn't happen, maybe after a month I'll try to contact her another way or send her another instant message. 

Perfect example of looking for things, rather than letting things come to you. I can't emphasize the value and importance of finding yourself first. This will honestly translate to all parts of your life. The more you search, the more you become confused and disappointed when you don't find what you're looking for, which only makes you look for more and then you end up in a cycle of searching but never finding.

That's answers are within you

This will for sure be my last, dont worry. I really hope the best for you and I hope you can take something from this post.

Peace.

a reply to: Profusion

How am I supposed to tell a story about how I rejected someone for no reason

Wait, didn't you say in your OP you were BOTH married?
Hang on a sec, brb.....Yep, you did.

flirted with me in front of everyone when we were both married.

You love playing head games with women, please stop.

originally posted by: knowledgehunter0986
a reply to: Profusion

Or you can just be honest, real and straightforward and you wouldn't need any tactics. It's not a game, and it's not as complicated as you make it seem.

What am I supposed to write?

"I realize how suspicious this sounds after knowing you for almost nine years without ever trying to make friends with you, but today is the day I've had a change of heart. I saw your picture, and I realized how stunning and angelic you are."

That's the truth, but it's also such a huge red flag that it would be enough for most people to reject the person who wrote it. We've got time to get close anyway. I should have done this back when she got me a job about two years ago, but I wasn't looking for friends then.

originally posted by: stosh64

How am I supposed to tell a story about how I rejected someone for no reason

Wait, didn't you say in your OP you were BOTH married?
Hang on a sec, brb.....Yep, you did.

The subject was making friends. That's a type of rejection.

originally posted by: stosh64
flirted with me in front of everyone when we were both married.

She instigated that completely on her own. I had nothing to do with it.

"You love playing head games with women"

Can you give me one example? The truth is I think that's a complete waste of time, and I find it repulsive.

a reply to: Profusion

That's the problem. In her eyes, you guys were already friends. Nobody spends 1 on 1 time with somebody at their home on a birthday if they are not friends. You guys worked together, she flirted with you, she helped you get a job, these are all signs of comfort, which you have between friendships. What defines a friendship to you? Maybe it was your lack of awareness that pushed her away, so you are probably right about how their is no way to approach her, as it's probably too late now. The best way to approach her would be honestly, regardless how you may sound. You'd rather be honest with her then beat around the bush, gush over her and overwhelm her later on and end up scaring her away anyways.

Don't you also think it's kind of superficial to all of a sudden want to be her friend after all this time because of a photo that makes her seem angelic? You are setting yourself up for disappointment. What if you guys become 'friends' again and she starts to betray you again? What do you do now? Continue to search for something else?

Again I will repeat this until it resonates with you;

Foccus on finding yourself and the right things will find you.

a reply to: knowledgehunter0986

Thank you very much for that. You just completely changed my thinking about this situation. If she doesn't contact me in the next few weeks, I'm going to make plans to go visit her. She lives in the same city as my ex-wife, and my ex-wife would love to see me. I'll see if I can visit my ex-wife for a couple of days and invite the other woman out for lunch. It's probably my only hope of salvaging anything with her.

"Focus on finding yourself and the right things will find you."

I've gone way overboard in that direction. I'm trying to get back in touch with the rest of the world a little now. That's why I'm looking for friends.

a reply to: Profusion

Thats just, "the message game". Women constantly do that, as well as men. From my experiences, they like to do that as a way to gain some type of control over you. An "upper hand" if you will. Well, at least in their mind...
For example: "He never calls me, he wont 'like' my FB posts, he doesnt re-tweet anything of mine, and now he wants to ask how im doing? Well ill get back to him when I have time. He can sit there and wonder why I havent messaged back..." Now she feels as if shes gained some type of control over your emotions. Shes assuming youll be worried, or at least curious why she hasn't gotten back to you, and as soon as she messages you back, she gives up that control. It sounds as if you've rebuked her advances more than once, so that would (in her head) put you in control of the "relationship" you two share, even if it is strictly platonic. By ignoring your messages, shes able to create the illusion of control by making you curious as to why she hasn't replied. Another advantage she gains, is giving you the idea that you're not important enough to her for her to return your message timely.
Now if you havent rebuked her, you may be right as far as her assuming you have an ulterior motive.

I have a somewhat similar situation. I have an ex gf I talk to 3-4 times per year. She doesnt believe in having ex's as friends on social media, and I respect that. At least twice a year shell call or text me, saying she sent me a friend request on FB, and I should accept. Ok. No problem. So I will, then a few days later when I find a funny meme that relates to her, ill try to share on her page, and lo and behold, ive been deleted! Shes done this about 5 times now.
Now i dont go through peoples FB pages unless im looking for something specific. Social media is like reality television. Its real, but its not. People will post their vacation pics, and high-end dinners, but they wont post, "Had an argument with my wife last night due to my insecurities. Its cool though, cuz I made it look like its her fault."
So case-in-point, youll never find out what a person is REALLY like by their social media accounts.
So back to my ex... I found out that after we would become FB friends, she would go through all my posts and pics, then delete me. The reason being (from what i can best surmise) to see if my life was better than hers. If I was happier than she was. If I was dating again, was my new gf prettier than her? What car was I driving? Is it nicer than hers? Where do i work? Do I make more money than her?
From what Ive read, people do this thing often. Im not above admiting that ive checked out some ex's social media pages. Im sure you all have too. A lot of it is curiosity. But When It comes down to comparing your life to theirs, like my ex always did, its usually because theres some regret over not being together. So if you can convince yourself that your life is better than theirs, it alleviates some of the regret/guilt.

I hate to ask you a personal question on this platform. You dont have to answer if you dont wish too, but I was curious, are you an introvert/introverted?
I ask because you state several times that you weren't looking for friends, or you did want a friend.
Or am i misinterpreting "friends"?
Just curious...

oh boy it always feels like watching a TV-soap opera when I read your threads in this subforum. You say you´re currently changing your life, start with finding out your ideals and then value them. Stop being a grass stalk and become a tree, so you´re like a flag in the wind currently. Honest impression, no offense. I think you need such posts, and since you ask..

I feel like I read this thread about 800 times. I don't understand how the staff doesn't see this as spamming/ flooding at this point.

OP, sea kelp. Comprendes?

a reply to: Profusion

That video has nothing to do with this discussion, as far as I can tell.

That is refering to the superficial and immediate reflexes of attraction, which has nothing to do with friendship... nor real loving relationships.

I don't know your past experience, I know from my own that I figured out long ago that that reflex could not be trusted. The immediate attraction to certain physical characteristics speak of me - in terms of being a female with evolved behaviorisms. Not him.

The exterior beauty I perceive tells me nothing about WHO HE IS.
All throughout high school there was a guy that I had a secret crush on. My god, he was incredible looking (and with exactly those testosterone-type characteristics). I didn't know him, I just saw him around a lot, and we seemed to exchange glances that told of him feeling attracted to me too. But he had a beautiful girlfriend and I never pursued him.

Later, once out of high school, I ran into him at a concert, and even though we had never talked before, he approached me and asked me out. He actually knew who I was, which surprised me.

We dated a couple of times... not only was he gorgeous, but it turned out he had a lot of money too.
But the thing was, he was boring as hell. He was nice, but had no intelligent conversation to share, and I could not stay attracted to him at all. It was useless. I stopped going out with him after a couple dates.

My perception of him, before and after all tells of me- first my biological being, and then my psychological being.
He didn't change. He didn't change from being awesome to being a loser! He just was who he was! My reactions to him were mine and had nothing to do with who he is.

Maybe another woman, with a different psychological being, would have found him awesome after talking to him.

So sometimes a slight consensus can happen on very superficial things like appearence, but it breaks down to individuals and their own hang ups, issues, and preferences when you step beyond that.

a reply to: Bluesma

I see your point about that video not being applicable to personal rejection. In my opinion, personal rejection happens anytime a person is rejected for characteristics that only have to do with them. That wouldn't apply to someone who is rejected based on their race or color or something else in that vein in my opinion.

Was the man who was rejected at the beginning of the video rejected for personal reasons? How could there be any doubt about it? He certainly wasn't rejected based on race or color or anything else in that vein.

I think it's clear he was rejected for personal reasons. Looks certainly belong in that category in my view. How could they not? Looks are part of a person's personal makeup.

"That is refering to the superficial and immediate reflexes of attraction, which has nothing to do with friendship... nor real loving relationships."

We're discussing personal rejection in all of its contexts. How can you attempt to limit this discussion to only certain types of personal rejection?

originally posted by: Profusion
a reply to: Bluesma

I see your point about that video not being applicable to personal rejection. In my opinion, personal rejection happens anytime a person is rejected for characteristics that only have to do with them. That wouldn't apply to someone who is rejected based on their race or color or something else in that vein in my opinion.

Was the man who was rejected at the beginning of the video rejected for personal reasons? How could there be any doubt about it? He certainly wasn't rejected based on race or color or anything else in that vein.

I think it's clear he was rejected for personal reasons. Looks certainly belong in that category in my view. How could they not? Looks are part of a person's personal makeup.

"That is refering to the superficial and immediate reflexes of attraction, which has nothing to do with friendship... nor real loving relationships."

We're discussing personal rejection in all of its contexts. How can you attempt to limit this discussion to only certain types of personal rejection?

No one in that jury knew man. I am assuming the woman you spoke of in the OP actually knew you?

originally posted by: Bluesma
No one in that jury knew man. I am assuming the woman you spoke of in the OP actually knew you?

My original post answers your question.

Concerning your first point, was the man rejected for personal reasons or not? You're claiming it's not personal because those who were rejecting him didn't know him. I'm claiming it's personal because he was rejected for things that only apply to him. I'm going by the first definition of "personal" below:

of, relating to, or affecting a particular person

SOURCE

You're looking at it is if personal rejection requires personal knowledge of a person. Isn't rejecting someone based on their religion, beliefs, politics, personal history, and many other such things types of personal rejection? Do those types of personal rejection require personal knowledge of the person being rejected?

a reply to: Profusion




To make friends, you have to be a friend first.

Get a dog, go hiking.

My experience, the past will always be the past and cannot be resurrected.

originally posted by: Profusion

originally posted by: Bluesma
No one in that jury knew man. I am assuming the woman you spoke of in the OP actually knew you?

My original post answers your question.

Concerning your first point, was the man rejected for personal reasons or not? You're claiming it's not personal because those who were rejecting him didn't know him. I'm claiming it's personal because he was rejected for things that only apply to him. I'm going by the first definition of "personal" below:

of, relating to, or affecting a particular person

SOURCE

You're looking at it is if personal rejection requires personal knowledge of a person. Isn't rejecting someone based on their religion, beliefs, politics, personal history, and many other such things types of personal rejection? Do those types of personal rejection require personal knowledge of the person being rejected?

You can certainly decide to take it personally, if you so wish. (but wasn't your OP about that being NOT a good idea??)

For me, the physical characteristics I as born with are not something under my control as an individual.

So others can reject or embrace, like or not like, it doesn't say much to me (perhaps about my ancestors choices of mates...?)

But being rejected because of physical appearence, when no other knowledge or interaction has gone between you two, means that you were not rejected because of how you treated the other.

In friendships or love relationships, your behavior becomes a variable.

originally posted by: Bluesma
You can certainly decide to take it personally, if you so wish. (but wasn't your OP about that being NOT a good idea??)

I have a personal bias against accepting anyone who believes in a religion. I just started a thread about that today.

Never trust someone who has found the truth?

There are two separate factors involved with that are relevant to this discussion in my opinion.

1. I personally reject anyone who believes in religion.

2. Those who am I rejecting over their religious beliefs should not take the rejection personally.

I see those two issues as being completely separate things that aren't related at all.