I can not sense what is wrong, maybe you can dear ATS

Hello

I want to share something with the wise ATS as I could not figure it out myself. Maybe this will be very awakening experience for me; and for some others who possibly going thru the same. I talked about this even with my mom, including three doctors. No solution yet.


I have been feeling very GRAY. Like the color. The reason is I can not have fun or get the fun from the stuff I usually do to both work & entertain myself (like being a musician and working for myself. Both playing and knowing the outcome hopefully will be good gives you a good feeling combined with joy you know?)

I am 29. Here are the stuff I believe I achieved (I did not do it for the recognition or out of "hey look what I am capable of!" kind of thoughts. Everything I learned or experienced usually for my own well-being and to gain knowledge as I am a fan of learning stuff. As a last note, I do not choose to do something usually if I am not go for the best possible experience or knowledge for it so I give really good effort if I am into something.

So, here are some examples that what I can do to enjoy life but I can not anymore! It is so interesting as all of them is something someone would love to do and usually they end up in a career in one of those topics.

Please read the bullets below knowing that I do not force myself or feed my brain the "I must enjoy this, I must entertain myself!" kind of thoughts.



- I thought english , playing guitar, music production, theatre to people when I had free time and it gave me quick cash If I charged some. Some volunteered. I have a legit teaching licence from London as a backup plan if I F up my plans as an artist. NO JOY.
- Have been windsurfing since 14. Can do flips jumps and stuff. Now I have a knee problem and also the whole act got really difficult as the prices are skyhigh. NO JOY from this as well.
- I was a successfull businessman - marketer and have a good career in marketing. This was a backup plan as well. I was head of marketing in the end and managed to move away without harming my name in the business as everyone knows you and can talk behind you in any way. NO JOY as I decided to stop as my intention was with art since baby times.
- I dont go out with friends anymore as I believe many of them have their own agenda and I really can't stand people usually. I only have 2 or 3 real friends which is a standart number I believe and I am happy with that. Sometimes I go out to smoosh with ladies once in a month lol. Again; NO JOY.
- I can not watch movies, I get distracted so easly lately and I just put some Graham Hancock and go to bed and I can not enjoy that even. Just I dont like sitting doing nothing even when I am lying down so I want to learn new stuff as I mentioned before.
- I like finding new music and listen to them. Still, do not enjoy it, but i like it (Weird I know).
- I like building stuff, electronic and non-tech to improve my home. Even sometimes a friend calls me for help so I help them. I enjoy that but while doing this "what am I doing right now... Okay I am building a new light for the back of my bathroom mirror but, I won't admire and enjoy that after I build this? I know its going to be very nice looking but, so..." And I usually change my mind even before starting that project.
- I can not play computer games anymore. I used to write reviews since 2004 and I was a guest on live tv for 2 episodes of a game show. Like I told you, everything I did I put my 100 effort and I was serious, still serious. I only play 1 starcraft game once a month which is approx 20 minutes. I get up from the chair saying "oh nice this is finished.. God it was intense."
- I gone thru several critical life threatening stuff like being held up, even got kidnapped and escaped from the car which my knee is the result btw. Feel so tired.
- I have a chance for many businesses without investing. I just don't go after them as I say "meeh." you know? Not exciting.
- I played my part in sexual intercourse as well and even it got boring!!! I can not believe I am saying this but it is! She must be a huge "omg I really want her" kind of thing for me to feel something and make a move. I say to myself "A bottle of whiskey and playing guitar for half hour is better" and stay home usually.
- I have a bicycle and its nice to go around with it but still, boring in my case. NO JOY.
- I am an aquarist as well, I have a marine aquarium and a freshwater aquarium since years. the only thing I get my life vitamins from; cleaning and watching them.
- I have a record deal as a musician; not very interested in finishing lately as I really really know its because I don't have a deadline. I hardly sit down and record. Plus I do not like my own stuff nowadays so I am giving myself time to come up with a good nice sound that I would love to play live for years.

Many more stuff. I wanted to give the details as I know some of you would say "Why dont you start painting and enjoy the nature? Go out have a picnic!" I did my friend. I did.

So; here is what doctors said:
"I really do not know!"

Mom noticed when I was sitting with her and asked out of the blue:
Mom: Are you happy? Do you need anything? Do you need anything?
Me: Yes. I have everything I want. I need absolutely nothing. I am just tired and nothing really amazes me.
Mom: What would amaze you?
Me: Having a go-kart race in my own property with my friends or people drinking and partying with loud music and naked girls swimming in pool. Seeing everyone having a great time. And possibly some sexual time after that.

Her reaction was interesting. She said
-Really? This is what you came down to in the end after all of those? Like, this is it?

And she laughed in a humorous way.


So nowadays only things I am doing;
-Eating good taste food; cooking them.
-Watching my fishes.
-Reading news, ATS.
-Instagram
-Criticize people in my own mind, A LOT (and this is disturbing)
-Sleep
-See a friend or two once a week when I really get bored.
-Clean the house
-Listen to music and drink and just sit there with headphones.
-Drink coffee and choose specific beans from stores and try them.
-Chat with my people over whatsapp

I had depression in the past so I know how it feels like but this feels not like a depression. I know every depression is different but this is not one.

And for heaven's sake please know that I am not a brat or bragging about my abilities etc. I had to write how colorful I am actually. But only color I see is Gray..

Best.

Have you read much about anxiety?
-Restless, no interest, talking yourself out of stuff before you start.

My wife has severe Anxiety...among other things. But shes an artist as well.
Lately she has been the exact same way.
We put a movie on - shes pacing around and not interested in the movie before it even starts...even if she picks it.
She wants to paint...but talks herself out of it before she gets the brushes out.
She wants to make some art...but she knows she wont like when shes done...so she doesnt bother anymore.

She sleeps.. after getting up 10 times in the night. She finally falls asleep around 4 am and will sleep till noon.
Has zero interest in much these days...but thinks she all better so doesnt take her meds.

From your description, it seems you may have a bout of Anxiety/depression

a reply to: belkide

Sorry to hear that. Sounds like a burn-out?

Why not try and make today your personal Weltschmerz Day? None of the things you listed comes easy, that took effort and yet the experience stayed behind the expectations.
You're entitled to be proud of yourself for your accomplishments. You're also entitled to be angry frustrated and disappointed with the universe, life and everything.
Cry, kick, scream, destroy something, the universe killed your dreams, mourn. The idea is to get it out of your system, so maybe tomorrow morning the smile comes back to you.

a reply to: belkide

I stopped reading half way through for 2 reasons: I have ADHD reading habits, and I recognized a pattern pretty quickly.

The ironic thing is that you see and know this pattern as well, and are clearly intelligent enough to put forth the efforts to change the direction your mind is headed.

You should apply into your daily existence, whats called the gift of Gratification. You are simply not thankful enough for the gifts you have and the oneness of life around you. Your intelligence finds resolve by pecking off negative influences until you find a middle ground. These concepts work well in logic problem solving, but yield opposite results in terms of emotional problem solving. Once you start pecking concentration towards the things that you are thankful and grateful for, the tides will shift, and you'll find that the positive focus' outweigh the negative feelings.

Start by doing this... when first waking up... from even a small nap. Each step on the way to your 1st stop, stop a second and remind yourself what you are most thankful for. Gather a good 10 or so of those each waking, and set off on your days with those in focus. I feel your comforts may reside in the selfless areas... meaning that you will likely find the most peace by essentially being a good motivation to others... by seeing such positive focus and intelligence at work.

a reply to: Macenroe82

I know I have Anxiety disorder since 2 years and taking a simple med for it but I guess it does not help. In anycase I do not like taking meds and I want to fix this thing with natural ways. Like brain power, thinking, new knowledge that will guide me to different angles looking at this subject. It really sounded like I was reading someone's comments on my behaviour. I can understand her and you... Hope she will get better as this does not seem like a big deal from outside but it sure is a suffering inside.

a reply to: belkide

What a full life you have lived. Nothing out of sorts there. Realizing that things aren't the be all end all is par for the course.

Your few friends, family and the simple time you spend sharing and reflecting upon all those memories is whats important.

All that maters in the end is how we behaved towards others. I'd say you are right where you are supposed to be.

Carry on...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

a reply to: ttobban

Oh believe me I pray for the things I have everyday and when this is not when am feeling down or something, I do it because I want to appreciate the things I have been given; simple as 2 arms and 2 legs. I am taking my time to let all the things sink in but even doing that sounds like "hey I am wasting my time right now, I should be doing something rather than sitting"..

This sounds like a major depressive episode:

Point 7:
www.mentalhelp.net...

I recognise this also from myself and my husband. Go to a doctor and tell him. There are things that can be done.
Don't be against medication, it has saved my life. If he gives you SSRIs, be open, take them for at least 2 weeks as otherwise they won't have settled enough.People give up on them because they make them drowsy etc at the start but all this goes away and you are left feeling NORMAL.

All the best. It WILL get better with help.

a reply to: Hecate666

I tried 2 different SSRI's in the past 2 years. I am still open but this started to seem like not an episode. I know some of them lasts for years but I sense some spark can kickstart my good times in my brain in a matter of time and can fix me. You know when you have that feeling? I have it. Just can not find it. Btw I am sure it is not another profession as I already have a lot and enjoy them when I am in the mood =)

a reply to: belkide

Oh and light meditation could also be worth a try?

a reply to: Peeple

Have been experimenting since teenage years. No help Maybe I am doing it wrong but still, had no effect.

a reply to: belkide

Thats right.
I see it in her eyes every single day.

She had a complete breakdown a few weeks back an figured it was check out time.
I got her to the hospital, they did their thing. Kept her for 2 days under observation, put her on a waiting list, then sent her home.
The mental health services in my city are a complete joke.
Its no wonder why the suicide rate in my area is growing. These people feel like their being left to fend for themselves.

They ask for help, get put on a year long waiting list and often are not heard from again.

Also, something that may be worth a try is a Cognitive behavioral therapy work book.
My wife was recommended it so we picked one up.
She was excited to try it out, thinking this may be the answer.
We got it home, she opened the first page started reading it, and then it was put on the shelf.
She figures she cant do it because its a large book. So she was discouraged by it, immediately assumed that she wouldn't be able to complete it so put it away.

Preconceived failure, so she isnt going to bother with it now.

Its really hard watching someone you love go through this stuff.

a reply to: belkide

I went through the same exact things... felt the urges to beat anxieties naturally. And, you know what... I did, by going toe to toe with my mind. The mind is our most powerful tool humans carry... ironically it can be the most powerful weapon against us as well. I essentially had to first remove the care or logic of what others felt was right for me... this allowed me to climb inside myself and get to work. Next, I pretty much waged war with negativity. Every little thing that was a stress or blur in life... I shifted to a world of make believe. I forced happiness on every aspect that came in... negative or positive. If I got a large bill in the mail, I pretended like I just got a large check instead. I smiled at every single person I seen... to find it almost every single time induces a smile in the receiver of the smile as well. Quite quickly actually, it became clear that the negative was there because I allowed it to be there. If the negative does not exist in relation to positive then it mathematically equates to having a more positive day overall.

There is also the added elements of the law of attraction in what I say. People don't quite fully understand thee power of emotion. If one is putting negative electrical waves of energy into the universe, then that's exactly what will return. It takes practice, sure... but it is a successful strategy for people to contain the mind as a tool and not a self weapon.

Instead of saying... I can't do this or that... you must find it within to use the phrase, 'I am trying to improve' to supplement the negative attraction. Please... remove the word 'NO' from your vocabulary.

Since I adopted the positive focus principles, I am certainly above 50% positive with absolutely no synthetic measures taken. I also eliminated flouride consumption, but that's another story. My experiences were in battle with bipolar disorder mainly, so I can understand the extreme levels the brain can tug on one self. Meditation was likely the saving grace measure for me though. Forced reflection and surrounding myself with positive focus was ever so healing for me. I am not considered normal as defined by the masses, but the disconnection from normal was part of the negative influence of my own being. I am quite content being crazy these days... I even smile at the thought of it now!

Best wishes to a positive day and journey for you!

a reply to: belkide

I don't know if I can help you with that, I don't know exactly what you have tried?

But for me what works is to start with simple breathing, then tense up and relaxation of all the different body parts, breathe until you're fully relaxed and see if you can find that little flame between heart and stomach, watch it a little and if it grows continue, if not stretch stop and try again later.

No pressure, I get that you're a true race horse, but with this success comes and can't be forced. Maybe that's why you're out of balance? A little too much willpower? Trust the flow and let it take you with it.

a reply to: Macenroe82

I am also taking my toll from the big pharma. Its sad to see this artificial situations trying to be cured with artificial stuff..

a reply to: belkide

Maaannn ... have I got some fun stuff for you to try.

Are you busy everyday? As in, do you have a job?

a reply to: Peeple

I have that flame you are talking about and I really know the spot as well on my body; like you said between the heart and stomach. And It does not go whatever I tried. I have been in the flow since 3 months or more on purpose; its not like giving up on life but just sitting and breathing everything in. Not forcing anything on myself but it started to get boring lol.

a reply to: belkide

Well, you'll be ok in the end... its just the frequencies of life at play. Like I just mentioned, I feel solitary mind and isolated from the world around it is in leads to proper channeling. Pulling back and strengthening your own will is not something to be frowned upon. I look at it like this... my role within the masses cannot be achieved any bit successfully if I am not of sound mind and health to begin with.

Seems as if you understand the frequency of happy/sad, and that the inevitability of varying between the 2 in random spurts is in play, and that you feel that the void of shifting to one or the other is in play instead. In such cases, I correlate them to what I call Shamanic Deaths. Essentially, as we age our mind and spirit matures. As the signals of vessel deterioration occur, it invites in an influx of chemical synapses that increase Pineal Gland function within the brain. The dream cycles we experience essentially bring forth a shedding of spiritual skin. We wake up from such events with overwhelming feeling of 'fog' around us... sometimes lasting weeks on end. In these times, is when meditation is most important... as it steers the ship more when the frequencies start oscillating.

a reply to: ttobban

It was nice reading the comment. Thank you