Exit Interview [YJA2017]

I found myself sitting in the typical waiting room. Uncomfortable chairs, outdated magazines on the coffee table, and a pot of what I assumed was coffee. Probably made when they were waiting for Grant to storm Richmond.

The weird part was, the last thing I remember, I was in a hospital bed in an I.C.U..

The wait was long enough for me to consider trying a cup of primeval sludge when the door opened and a person walked into the room.

"Hi, I'm Jeffery, sorry about the wait, let's go to my office". The slender man quickly turned without even waiting for a reply and walked back from where he came.

I was a director, a man who was in charge of a considerable budget, manpower, and responsibilities. I stopped scurrying after people a long time ago. I slowly stood, stretched a bit, then walked calmly into a hallway, spying the man as he zipped around a corner.

Ok, I hurried a little. I didn't want to lose the little bastard.

Catching up, I found him walking into a typical office. The widows were obscured by blinds, the walls hidden by bookshelves with (what it looked like) every book on relations with employees.

"oh crap", I said under my breath, "I'm in HR."

HR. Human Relations. The bane of any corporate existence. Some explorers search for the origin of the Nile. If you were so inclined to look for the origins of the first swamp, you'd find it in HR.

Jeffery sat behind his desk, bade me to sit and pulled a rather large binder out of a cardboard box sitting on the corner of his desk. He started looking through the binder and made a frowny face. "I'm so sorry you're leaving us today", he said.

"Leaving who?" I asked.

"Leaving us. Humanity. Well, Humanity Inc. to be precise. Did they have you fill out any COBRA paperwork?"

I just stared.

"Haha, sorry, a little joke we at Humanity Inc. like to toss around. Let's take a look at your life, shall we?"

I finally found the nerve to speak, "Excuse me, is this some sort of joke? Where am I, what am I doing here, and how in the hell do I get out?"

Jeffery made another frowny face. "Poodles, you are dead. D-E-D, dead. You died in an I.C.U. and shuffled off that mortal coil. You're room temperature, taking a dirt nap, knocking on Heaven's door, taking the midnight train to Georgia, you've reached the Pearly Gates, the Great Beyond, become one with the universe. But, you haven't finished your paperwork.
This," as he lifted the binder, "Is your life. Your employee record, so to speak. I've had to read it all, well most of it, as your teen year pages are sticking together, but I have to do my job so you can finally enjoy some retirement."

I sat beck, stunned.

"Now" as Jeffery put pen to paper, "Did you think you were adequately equipped to be human? What did you most like about being human? What did you most dislike? And finally, would you recommend being human to anyone else?"

I sat for a minute contemplating.

Finally I said, "Yes, I think I was able to be human well enough. I had all my parts and did what humans do. What did I like the best about being human? Being married, kids, and having my feet rubbed. What did I dislike the most? I'd have to say wars and politicians."

Jeffery mumbled under his breath, "Everyone says that".

"Would I recommend being human to anyone else?" I paused for so long that Jeffery was even starting to fidget.

"Humanity has it's faults. They probably aren't the best thing around. They have issues I could list for years. But for everything I could list against humanity, I could find a dozen things that I approved of. I liked Humanity. I think I'm going to miss it."

Jeffery made a few notes and then closed the binder and placed it back into the box. He urged me up and walked me out of the office. "We'll miss you too," he said as he put an arm around my shoulder, "But I think you'll like where you're getting transferred to."

We walked down another hallway and came upon a rather boring looking door.

Jeffery opened it.

And I started my new career.

aww I like it made me chuckle

a reply to: DBCowboy

That was great!

Not bad, Thbbfft, but you're a cat. You've been misled. You're going to have to start over (snicker!) New litter; same old cat box.

Thank you everyone!

a reply to: DBCowboy

That was a fun read cowboy.

a reply to: knowledgehunter0986

Thanks!

a reply to: DBCowboy

Awesome job, Cowboy! I have been in that office with an earthly counterpart of that HR guy before.

And I think I've actually had some of that coffee. I'm still recovering.

S&F!

a reply to: DBCowboy

I read this three times. The whole 'afterlife as HR' is, as someone in corporate America, kinda frightening to me. But you knew that.

a reply to: AboveBoard

Thank you!

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

What does your binder look like?

originally posted by: DBCowboy
What does your binder look like?

Do you even have to ask? It's loaded with corrective actions.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Mine is written on cocktail napkins and on the backs of matchbooks.

originally posted by: DBCowboy
Mine is written on cocktail napkins and on the backs of matchbooks.

Probably Xeroxes of your ass in there too.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Just on the dedication page.

Awesome! Loved your spin on it. Very clever. Thanks for entering!

S&F

a reply to: DBCowboy

Good job DB, it was very well written!

a reply to: DBCowboy

You are such a funny man

I report directly to HR so, I can certainly understand the annoyance...

My personnel file is chock full of 'disciplinaries' but, they keep promoting me anyway, I suppose being a rebel has it's rewards. It also doesn't hurt that the prospective employee market 'round these parts are slim pickins.

I digress. It was very funny and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Sincerely,
Your Number One Fan

a reply to: DBCowboy

Ahh...hahahaha....*sigh*
Thanks. I needed that.

*clicks heels together* whilst repeating,
"Please write a part 2! Please write a part 2"

S&F (& snickers)
jacy

Thanks everyone, really.

I appreciate the kind comments.