Am I going (more) insane?

I want to run something by the membership, to establish whether or not I am losing my mind to a greater degree than normal, or whether I am justified in being pretty vigorously angry right now.

Premise:

I shared my feelings about a woman, to a friend of mine, a friend I have known a long time, a friend who should know much better than to share my feelings with anyone else. Rather than keep the confidence I placed in this friend, this friend decided to go behind my back, and communicate with the woman I had interest in. This has caused my friendship with the woman in whom I was interested, to suffer a strangeness which did not exist before.

My friend, the one who betrayed my confidence, is now angry at me, for being angry about being betrayed. Everything is my fault, I am a bad person for making my friend feel bad about doing a bad thing. They contacted me this morning, to tell me that I suck, to make me feel like a heel for telling them straight that I am going to find it difficult in the future, to trust them with information important to my life. Their response to this, rather than to accept their misdeed, and that recovering from it will take me some time, was to attack me for having feelings, for being hurt by their actions.

Query:

Am I stupid for failing to accept their fury? Am I in the wrong somehow? Because I am finding it impossible to accept worth a damn, the passive aggressive bull that I have put up with today on this matter. I am literally shaking in my skin, am experiencing dizziness, an inability to focus on simple tasks, and I keep catching myself clenching my fists, despite the absence of a physical threat to deal with.

Have I just lost the last shred of sanity to which I was clutching, or has my friend proven themselves to be a total moron?

You are not wrong in any way whatsoever. None of this is your fault.
You trusted someone enough to bare your soul and they betrayed your confidence. They may have thought they were trying to help, but a secret is a secret and a good friend will always keep it, no matter what.

Sounds like everyone is triping on their own expectations, what one should do and not do. In your case I can agree with you as its a friend and you have been rolling together enough to know each others preferences. Well at least you all know where you stand. No your not mad in the least.a reply to: TrueBrit

your friend is the moron. I will assume that his initial actions were(in his opinion) in your best interest, however, once he found out that it was not what you expected of him(nor desired), he should have been humble enough to accept his part as wrong and apologized. When we share our deepest feelings in confidence with someone we trust it is a horrifying to find out that that trust has been betrayed. Note: original assumption of "in your best interest" is what I do to excuse the bad behavior of others. I always try to give the benefit of the doubt(usually to my detriment).

Sounds like you're angry at yourself, but you dont know it yet , you made several mistakes here .
You told the wrong person ; should have told her direct , AND you gave a rival a clear headstart . Women often like it when men bitch about their friends (in private ) with them . Disgusting , but true , and you can see how it is.
Don't give them anymore time to work together on you . And know better next time brother .

*eta post haste : men are the disgusting ones , women get to do what they like

I tell everyone I'm from another planet, because I truly don't fit into this one. You tell someone a secret in private and they rat ya out, now your the bad guy?!? Yeah, no, I've got enough friends. That one can drink alone.....probably channeling guilt as anger towards you. Apologizes to the love interest for the uncomfortable moment. Tell her it's just flattering that a man of your caliber finds her beauty uncommon amongst the mortals. She'll laugh, ice broken with humor, friendship moves forward. Or she plants a kiss on you and BOOM CHICCA BOOM BOOOM

a reply to: TrueBrit

Simply put:

Time to purge this so-called friend that broke your unwritten confidentiality agreement.

Don't allow this person to try to twist the blame with silly little mind games. You're too old for that kind of crap.

You confronted them about it, they deny any wrong doing and are now trying to play the switch game. This should tell you everything you need to know about this person.

Save yourself the needless drama, and just do some housecleaning by booting them to the curb.

Who has time for such silly infantile soap operas ?

a reply to: TrueBrit

I don't know the situation but perhaps your friend was just trying to help , perhaps rather than see you pine for this woman your friend decided to break the silence and let her know of your feelings for her , perhaps you are not angry at your friend but at yourself for not having the courage to make the first move.
I'm not saying what he did was right but maybe he acted on you behalf , it's all very well having an interest in someone but if they don't know how can you move forward , how can anything come of it.

You need to front up to the woman in question and lay your cards on the table , if she has no interest in a relationship then you need to find a way to store your feelings for her for the sake of your friendship or just move on.

I hope you can work it out TrueBrit and patch it up with both your friend and the lady in question , ask her out for a meal ,as friends , and discuss it over a glass of wine.

a reply to: TrueBrit

What if the friendship you have with your mate is the same kind of friendship he has with his mate, and happened to be in the middle of two mates not knowing they like each other?

I am thinking your friend may also like the girl....

My advice, stop the high school drama. Next time you like a chick, take her for coffee. You are a man and women will expect you to act like one. Act like a teenager and the women will get creeped out.


Tell your friend he broke the number 1 rule of bros before hoes.

a reply to: gortex

perhaps your friend was just trying to help , perhaps rather than see you pine for this woman your friend decided to break the silence and let her know of your feelings for her

I disagree.

Well intentioned or not, it's not the friend's decision to make. It's TrueBrits decision as to whether or not he wants to do that.

When you confide something to a friend, you expect them to take that secret with them to their graves unless you specify otherwise. It's an unwritten rule that all adult friends understand about each other.

It's called "maturity".

a reply to: TrueBrit

Sounds like cross purposes and a storm in the teacup.

Your friend might have wanted to help you out by telling the woman you like her. They know you and could have thought you'd be umming and ahhing and miss your moment. They shouldn't be leaking out your confidences, but sometimes we all go gung-ho to help our dearest friends.

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

You've reacted in an understandable way and complained. The friend could be feeling insulted by that and having a touch of the martyrs. "Last time I try to help anyone! Harumph!!" You're embarrassed to know the 'crush' knows how you feel and maybe disappointed she hasn't reciprocated. Totally normal feelings and every human over 21 will have felt exactly the same at least once.

Here's another shot in the dark...have you or your friend had a drink or two last night? We sometimes overreact to things when the morning hangover is at its worst.

Don't fall out with friends over unrequited loves...it's a nightmare. No way are you insane. You're totally normal and making the same mistakes our stone age ancestors were making.*

* No I'm not implying TB's a 'caveman.' Damn the internet is one big eggshell these days.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Im gonna say total moron on this one.
Is it possible this "friend" and I used that term loosely. Also had an interest in this woman, and therefor went behind your back to try to slide in there before you?
Any "Friend" that behaves like a 15 year old highschool drama queen, should be cut off and removed from your life to begin with.
From what I know about you, you have had quite a bit of stress in your life due to legal matters in the recent, and therefor tarnishing your name.
I personally think that TB needs to look at this as a possible blessing. The friend may have showed their true self to you, and now you can make an informed decision on whether or not they can ever be trusted with your personal matters again - let alone even be part of your life anymore.

So no. You are not in the wrong.
In fact you have every god dang right to be fumed.

Maybe you can use this as an ice breaker with the lady friend. Something like, "Well the cat is out of the bag, yes i am interested in you. With that out in the open, Can I take you for a ( insert activity here) this evening."

You're not crazier at all. Some people will do anything to avoid saying, I screwed up - I'm sorry. Your friend made a mistake and instead of apologizing, is blaming you. Do not take that blame. I am sure they thought they were helping you out, so you can forgive that mistake. Turning it around on you is not fair. Just tell your love interest how you feel. Most women like a straight forward man!

Did you make it categorically clear that you were confiding in them and that what you were conveying was not to be shared with anyone?

If you did, then you have been betrayed and now know that you cannot trust this friend, and have every right to feel betrayed.

If you didn't, then maybe your friend thought they were doing a good deed?

One thing I would say though, is that if you have feelings for this woman, then you really needed to take the initiative and spoken to her, rather than your friend.

a reply to: Cobaltic1978

Yeah, you've got to work on the assumption the friend was close and had earned their stripes over years of loyalty etc. On that premise, it's best to assume good intentions.

Doesn't stop the anger or the need to hit mates from time to time.

Trying to help is one thing... but then turning it around and trying to make TrueBrit feel like he's the insane one being irrational and has no right to be angry ?

Please.

That's not a friend.

That's an immature child backpeddling and not owning their actions. The kind of "friend" that wouldn't think twice to throw you under the bus should a situation call for it.



A grownup friend would say, "Gosh TB, I'm sorry. I thought I was trying to help. I didn't realize it would upset you. It won't happen again."

If that were the situation, then all could be easily forgiven and put to rest.




Sorry, but I'm of the mindset "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me."

This "friend" burned him the first time by "trying to help"... and then burned him the second time by trying to twist it back onto him when confronted about it.

Two burns, game over.

a reply to: Kandinsky

One thing I have learned in life is to never assume anything. Cynical? Maybe, but I have been bitten previously and on reflection, assumption can lead to all sorts of problems. I think it's best in life to set out any ground rules prior to sharing any feelings, especially with assumed good friends.

a reply to: Cobaltic1978

Yeah we should try to avoid assumptions.

I should have said 'deduce' instead. It could be deduced TB was open with this particular friend because they had/have a long history.

ok TB no you are not wrong for feeling the way that you do. You told a friend a secret and he blabbed his mouth to the ONE person he shouldn't have. # happens. Friends screw up and over do it.

as a woman here is some advice.
Women are strange creatures, we are emotionally driven and intelligent, a literal ticking time bomb. Be up front and honest with her. If you aren't comfortable telling her face to face, either call, or text, or hell email ( I don't know what the main form of communication if for your group) tell her " hey I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. That was not my intention at all and I apologize. Yes I think you are attractive and an all around amazing person and being around you makes me happy. Your friendship is important to me, and if you are not interested in adding romance to it, then that is fine, I am an adult and I can and will respect your decision. I hadn't intended for you to find out this way, and I should have told you in person, but I had a middle school moment and well, as you can see, the outcome is less that satisfactory. " Be honest, and swallow your pride. She will appreciate it and make sure you add your own flair to it.

Now for the friend, he should have kept his mouth shut. That wasn't a good friend thing to do.
you can tell him that you hadn't intended for her to find out just yet. You don't appreciate what he did, even if it was with the best of intentions. Whether or not your friendship with him can be saved is entirely up to you.