Is it possible to transcend a dysfuntional childhood?

I used to read autobiographies of famous people, and a surprising number of them reported a poor relationship with one or both parents. This often seemed to be the fuel that urged them on to succeed, a way to prove their parent or parents were wrong in their negativity.

My father was a good man, but he was quite critical towards me, and he definitely wasn't able to make me feel good about myself. There was conflict and anger and fear present in our family.

The presiding wisdom is to get over it. Be in the present moment.

But this does not recognize that the consequences of dysfunctional childhood involve emotional energy that a young child cannot handle, and this energy is sent away from the conscious mind.

But it is still there, and it comes out in times of conflict with present day people.

I would like to think that it is possible to totally transcend a dysfunctional childhood, but I believe it is a very rare event.

a reply to: droid56

I agree that it is very rare to transcend an awful childhood.

I do believe however, that one must fight the good fight everyday and try to not allow it to consume one or allow it to somehow control the issues and difficulties one faces today in their everyday life.

Our brothers, sisters and co workers are not our past and we are wise to remember that even if it is hard to do.

It is a constant struggle, this I believe, but we must be strong and release this energy in a more positive direction.

a reply to: droid56

It is possible...

Be one of the rare ones.. I dare ya

blend57

originally posted by: droid56
The presiding wisdom is to get over it.

Excellent useless advice; useless without the 'treasure map' detailing exactly HOW we accomplish this trick!
How do we 'get over' a feature of who and what we are?

Be in the present moment.

Not trying to be a dick, but we cannot, literally, ever be anywhen else BUT in the present moment! Even if that present moment involves perceiving a 'memory lane' of thoughts! *__-

But this does not recognize that the consequences of dysfunctional childhood involve emotional energy that a young child cannot handle, and this energy is sent away from the conscious mind.

But it is still there, and it comes out in times of conflict with present day people.

I would like to think that it is possible to totally transcend a dysfunctional childhood, but I believe it is a very rare event.

It surely IS possible!
It, just as surely (for the time being) is a rare thing.
Transcending the 'ill-health' programmed into us as children, right from the cradle, takes Self awareness and work.
Metaprogramming over the old harmful programs is one way.
But it is not foolproof, as we could metaprogramming a dysfunctional program over the last malware...

All forms of Health; mental, emotional, physical, spiritual... are based on the ability to Love, unconditionally!
Unconditional Love = God = Heaven!
Here! Now!
Anything other than unconditional Love = sin = insanity = Hell!
Here! Now!
(Just speaking in religious-ese as many understand that language...)

Anything other than unconditional Love = 'dysfunctionality'!!!

So, the obvious 'cure/healing/integration' of these dysfunctional aspects of Self, are to be experienced/Known in Love!
That's great useless advice.
Useless without the following 'treasure map';

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi

True, unconditional Love is ALWAYS recognized by It's unconditional Virtues; Compassion, Empathy, Sympathy, Gratitude, Humility, Charity ('Charity' is never taking more than your share of anything, ever!), Honesty, Happiness, Faith...
ALWAYS!

Love requires practice, like a fine violin!
Practice! Practice! Practice!

Who is unworthy of Love?!

"If it cannot be thought with Love,
it doesn't need to be thought!
Don't think it!
If it cannot be spoken with Love,
it doesn't need to be said!
Don't say it!
If it cannot be done with Love,
it doesn't need to be done!
Don't do it!
If the day cannot be Saved by Love,
the day isn't worth saving,
offer it up with Love!!"

Wage Love! Practice Compassion!
You'll find all that nasty baggage will lose it's power to affect your life and just be a dry, dusty memory.

tat tvam asi (en.wikipedia.org...)

a reply to: droid56

Ford once said, "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right."

We are the ones who put limitations on ourselves in many occasions.

So if you are of the mindset that you can't transcend. Then you can't.

However if you think you can transcend. Then you will.

It's totally up to you.

a reply to: namelesss

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi

I love that quote (no pun).

Your words ring true.

There is no easy way only the long, arduous and worthwhile way.

a reply to: grey580

Absolutely, hopefully for most.

I worry for the ones who lack the strength to do that.

Perhaps we (the ones who have survived) are to help them along.

I like that quote as well, so many wise folks have come before us.

originally posted by: TNMockingbird
a reply to: namelesss

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi

I love that quote (no pun).

Your words ring true.

There is no easy way only the long, arduous and worthwhile way.

That 'worthwhile' part is beyond the capacity of imagination!
It might not be as daunting (long/arduous) as you imagine. (That's just the ego self-defending!)
No matter how many steps it takes you, flowers bloom at each one!
Enjoy the journey! *__-

a reply to: namelesss

No matter how many steps it takes you, flowers bloom at each one!

They do, don't they?

Thank you for the gentle reminder.

a reply to: droid56

This subject rings close to me...

Speaking as someone who had a drug-addicted, paranoid schizophrenic father, and has a very judgemental, abusive, and alcoholic mother and uncaring stepfather... it is a constant struggle rising above the past.

My childhood was spent wondering why no one cared, why did my stepfather ignore me, why did he hate me, why was my dad so strange, why are we getting up in the middle of the night and moving to another town, oh my dad is being arrested for possession, oh he's being kept in a mental institution, oh great I'm in a foster home now, and another one, and one more, just let me go back to my dad I miss him. Oh, now I'm with my overly Catholic grandmother who hates that I'm female and hates my name because it means "serpent". I am demon-spawn and lock myself in my room so as to avoid her and her tirades. My dad doesn't care, he's moved in with her too but he's never home, he's out getting trashed and won't be back for a week at a time. Oh, he's dead now, overdosed. My grandma doesn't want me, off she goes to find my mum. Oh yay! I'm with my mum again! Oh yay.... all she does and yell and scream and drink every night, falling down the stairs, losing her memory, my stepdad is still an arse, okay, I'm 18yrs old now, I'm leaving!!

Anyway, sorry for ranting. It doesn't really affect me anymore, I've spoken about it SO much I'm kind of immune to it now, they're just facts of my life. Kind of read that giant rant in a flippant facetious tone, haha.

Where I was going with that though was; Up until my mid-twenties... I was broken. Depressed, anxious, sometimes I just couldn't bear the thought of leaving the house, I wanted to die, I lived in a tiny town of 20k people, everyone knew everyone else, I didn't feel safe there, I hated the toxicity of the area, I just wanted to start anew.

So, I moved myself 100's of kilometres away.
And began to work on myself.
I had removed everyone I knew from my life, there was no one I could rely on, only myself. So I stepped up and did what I had to do. All I did was focus on myself, my own wants and needs, I started meditating, not for "woo" reasons, but just to calm myself and centre myself and connect with myself.

It's been 5 years now and I'm still working on me, but I feel a HELL of a lot better these days. The past is in the past. There is only the future to look forward to. And as I worked on myself more, and let go of the past, and just stopped fretting about inane things that I could do nothing to change; nicer things began to show up in my life. I became more confident, less of a push-over, I made my first "real" friends, I believe that I've met my soul mate..

I guess that I don't have any real advice... but many people go through dysfunctional childhoods and have echoes of the past flitter about them for years ever onwards. I don't say to block it, or "just get over it", repression is bad and will make it "come out" MORE in times of conflict.

But, I guess... find a way to work on "you" and slowly release the past. It may be the best thing you ever do.

i feel ya Droid, I'm in the middle of transcending this BS myself, for the first time in my life I'm postive I'm gonna get good and over it.

Constant over criticism from those we look up to when we're young often eclipses our articulate rational at the time, internalizing the negative energy you speak of, tricking our growing minds. In short we learn to bully ourselves.

But the more you learn to articulate that internal criticism, the more you realize that what your actually doing is placing the blame (the origin of the internal negative energy) back where it belongs, realizing it was never yours to own in the first place.

What's next is a lot of righteous anger, which you do in fact own but have been using against yourself. Harness this anger, use it only in defense, this is how you retain your righteousness. Becoming aware of this is the slow return of your soul creative power.

Mature internal articulation becomes mature external expression. This is the transcendence.

God Speed!

a reply to: droid56

A form of trauma being applied to your developing mind created the dysfunction no installed in the mind.

It may be that some equal degree of trauma of a different nature might be the only way to change that now. However now the mind is far less open to changes as it's developed it's functions and patterns and reinforced them over time. So altering those changes may require trauma much more intense or for a longer time than what was experienced originally. That makes success even more difficult.

It might be safer to simply adjust accordingly and make the conscious effort to deal with it the best you can on that level rather than attempt to fix it. Trying to fix it might result in far worse a situation than you have now.

originally posted by: droid56
I used to read autobiographies of famous people, and a surprising number of them reported a poor relationship with one or both parents. This often seemed to be the fuel that urged them on to succeed, a way to prove their parent or parents were wrong in their negativity.

My father was a good man, but he was quite critical towards me, and he definitely wasn't able to make me feel good about myself. There was conflict and anger and fear present in our family.

The presiding wisdom is to get over it. Be in the present moment.

But this does not recognize that the consequences of dysfunctional childhood involve emotional energy that a young child cannot handle, and this energy is sent away from the conscious mind.

But it is still there, and it comes out in times of conflict with present day people.

I would like to think that it is possible to totally transcend a dysfunctional childhood, but I believe it is a very rare event.

Molested at 6, raped at 10, introduced heavily to alcohol and Marijuana at 10, lost my best friend to suicide at 17, lost my girlfriend of 10 years at 28, as well as most of my friends due to alcoholism.

Sounds like you had a nice life if all you had to deal with was some negativity from your pops. That shot was the least of my worries.

But, to answer your question: yeah, life is your choice, and any relevance my story has is minutiae to yours and how it revolves around you. Don't worry so much. You won't find answers here.

a reply to: kaelci

Love your realistic replies. I feel what you're saying.

I like to think it is the opposite in my family and yet, as you know, my daughter has struck out on her own tangent.

In this respect I feel a loving caring family can fail.

My wife and I don't do any drugs. Sure, we have a drink or two on the weekend but in moderation. There is always food on the table for the 6 of us.

I wonder at times if we took another path (drugs, alcohol, gambiling) would our daughter be better off. Methinks no. Perhaps dead or worse.

You have risen above all. Good on you mate. Wish I could use your experience as an example to my daughter.

bally

We cannot let other dicks turn us into dicks also.

originally posted by: IsntLifeFunny
Molested at 6, raped at 10, introduced heavily to alcohol and Marijuana at 10, lost my best friend to suicide at 17, lost my girlfriend of 10 years at 28, as well as most of my friends due to alcoholism

Every 'cloud' does a silver lining, Toto!

(Your 'one-upmanship' was far from productive.)

You won't find answers here.

When the soil is fertile, seeds spring up in the strangest places!

i didn't talk from the age of 5 until i was 7 or so. My father was a real piece of work. I finally was able to emotionally disconnect and disown him when I was 13.

Yes, you can overcome a dysfunctional childhood. Matter of fact, its all up to the individual. My own personal experiences give me little reason to accept excuses from others about how their childhood effected them.

a reply to: droid56

I was the victim of eleven years of brutal physical and psychological abuse by a step parent, and I transcend that crap every day. People who don't simply tell themselves they can't. Plain and simple. Everything is a choice. Choose to leave that behind and you'll rise above. Choose to dwell on it, and that's where you'll stay forever.

a reply to: IsntLifeFunny

Sounds like you had a nice life if all you had to deal with was some negativity from your pops. That shot was the least of my worries. 

When an individual tries to keep score on how sh!tty their childhood was compared to others, and that individual is a grown ass adult, such behavior is highly indicative of a person who enjoys being a victim. A person like that will never let it go and move on, because the dynamic is that of a symbiotic relationship with the abuse that translates into a very unhealthy sense of superiority: My pain is more important than yours because I suffered a longer list of injustices, therefore I am better than you.

Sorry, but no. Pain is 100% subjective, and cannot be measured by anyone but the person experiencing it. Therefore, you have zero right to tell another person that his or her ordeal was less important or less traumatic than your own. People who treat others that way do so because they don't want to let go and move on. They like being victimized, especially if it makes them appear more victimized than anyone else...hence the practiced laundry list of all their misfortunes thrown out there as a way to minimize or outright dismiss the suffering of anyone who might challenge their lofty, narcissistic position.

A true badge of honor would be for that individual to use their experience to lift others up who have also suffered abuse and hardship. People who tear others down and use past life experiences as a vehicle by which to do so have already made the choice to languish in self-pity rather than move on. Nothing is holding you in the past except for your own unwillingness to simply let it go. Refusal to do so is not a mark of superiority. It is a mark of weakness and stagnation. Strong people get past adversity in life...weak people lash out at others for being strong and rising above unfortunate circumstances. They choose to remain a victim. It is a choice.

“You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun.” ― Shaun Hick

My sig and new mantra