Freaking out at the thought of becoming a "stepfather" again, advice sought.

I find myself in a position where I have moved in with my new partner and she has five (yes 5) kids.

Four of them still live at home 19 year old boy(apprentice mechanic), 17 year old boy (at collage studying business) 13 and 12 year old girls both at school. The 5th is a 20 year old man who lives with his girlfreind.

The thing that worries me is not that we do not get on but that we do on the whole, everybody keeps saying how good it all is and how well it's going and have begun reffereing to me as their "stepdad" and it kind of freaks me out, all but one have dads(one's father died when he was young) and I have never really liked the term "stepdad" and when I was in this situation before always argued against it and tried to make myself "me" and a part of life without the title as it just feels wrong to me.

Everytime I speak against the term people seem to think I am not interested or taking it seriously and that is not the case just that I want to stay away from the sterotypes that can be created with the term.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcomed as it's starting to worry me?

I am a "stepmom" to my daughter, whose mother passed away three weeks before her 2nd birthday.

All I can say is that you have the opportunity to do real good in someone's life.. all kids need a dad.. it's the most difficult but also one of the most exemplary things you could do. You could really make a difference!

Best of luck to you.

-zos

Edit: A rose by any other name.. I wouldn't be too hung up on the title (but that's just me)

originally posted by: zosimov
I am a "stepmom" to my daughter, whose mother passed away three weeks before her 2nd birthday.

All I can say is that you have the opportunity to do real good in someone's life.. all kids need a dad.. it's the most difficult but also one of the most exemplary things you could do. You could really make a difference!

Best of luck to you.

-zos

If they were younger I would feel more comfortable with it but as nearly all teenagers it just feels wrong?

As I said, I am happy to be a friend and role model but the "adopted/fake father" thing sits wrong with me.

a reply to: nonspecific

Whether they choose to call you that or not shouldn't be your choice. It's theirs.

But aside from all of that, in my view, what probably really matters is that you make it your objective to first develop a relationship that stands on its own with EACH child individually...then in various logical combinations...and finally, as a single family unit.

Good luck. You have an awesome responsibility that could be the best thing to have ever happened in you life.

a reply to: nonspecific

Well, that's a perfectly reasonable position. Blended families are really tough- beyond that I truly don't know what to say. If you think they are old enough to hear it, perhaps you could take the kids out (one-on-one) and try to explain your concerns?

a reply to: nonspecific

Just to make sure, you are mostly uncomfortable with the title/label 'stepdad', not so much with taking on the role to some degree?

ETA: NVM, took me too long to post


Did you try to explain it to them the way you did here?

originally posted by: loam
a reply to: nonspecific

Whether they choose to call you that or not shouldn't be your choice. It's theirs.

But aside from all of that, in my view, what probably really matters is that you make it your objective to first develop a relationship that stands on its own with EACH child individually...then in various logical combinations...and finally, as a single family unit.

Good luck. You have an awesome responsibility that could be the best thing to have ever happened in you life.

I agree but it's not the kids but other adults as in friends and family that are using the term and it is like they are putting a responsibility on me that neither myself or the kids have asked for. Relationships are growing naturally and common interests and friendships are developing but it seems that too many adults are trying to assign me a job that I have not asked for if that makes sense.

With my sons mums children we never once reffered to me as a step parent I was always "me" and to them I was just that and if asked they would say that I was thier mums partner and a pain in the arse as would be the one that made sure their bedrooms were relativley tidy and they were never mean or rude to people but also the one that would help them with thier homework or help them do stuff they were interested in.

I do not want to be a replacement or false dad just someone who is there if needed and a good friend with plenty of experience and advice to offer.

a reply to: nonspecific

Oh geez. Once again, it's the "grown-ups" complicating things.

If you and the kids are on the same page, you are in a good place!

First off I'm going to ask how your sobriety is coming along?
A blended family with people not having handled their baggage prior is a recipe for disaster.

That said, having been a step-Mom and my husband being a step-dad to my kids we let the other's kids call us by first names as neither of us was trying to replace the biological parents in any way. Surprisingly the kids in social situations defaulted on their own to calling us Step-Mom, or Step-Dad to others. More surprisingly over time( ten yrs or so) my kids just called my husband Dad as they felt he had truly "lived up to it" and their real father hadn't.

Leave it up to the kids, they will use whatever is easiest for them.
What your called doesn't matter as long as it "isn't late for dinner".

originally posted by: zosimov
a reply to: nonspecific

Oh geez. Once again, it's the "grown-ups" complicating things.

If you and the kids are on the same page, you are in a good place!

I am sure it is not intentional and more that people are happy that my new other half is happy and the kids have someone else in their lives that can bring a different aspect to it and the pressure is of mum!

People sometines get ahead of themselves if left unattended

originally posted by: Caver78
First off I'm going to ask how your sobriety is coming along?
A blended family with people not having handled their baggage prior is a recipe for disaster.

That said, having been a step-Mom and my husband being a step-dad to my kids we let the other's kids call us by first names as neither of us was trying to replace the biological parents in any way. Surprisingly the kids in social situations defaulted on their own to calling us Step-Mom, or Step-Dad to others. More surprisingly over time( ten yrs or so) my kids just called my husband Dad as they felt he had truly "lived up to it" and their real father hadn't.

Leave it up to the kids, they will use whatever is easiest for them.
What your called doesn't matter as long as it "isn't late for dinner".

Thanks for asking, my sobriety was under control and had not drank for a while but nowdays I drink but never for the wrong reasons, tonight I am having a few beers and happy at that as it's Saturday evening and everything that needs to be done has been so

The girls have already figured me out and in the same way someone would call a mum a mum and a dad a dad unless they wanted to get their own way and then make it mummy or daddy(despite thier age lol) will when required add a y to the end of my name in the hopes that with a sheepish grin and some fluttered eyelids they will get what they want which unfortunatley works.

on the whole, it seems to me they are trying to make you feel comfortable. Think of how it would be if they all decided you were a brazen interloper set to "take over" their Mom and thereby lessen the affection she has for them. Now THAT would be bad juju. I'm a step-dad to two and a step-grandfather (though they don't know the difference) to six. This is one time when it really is not about you.

a reply to: nonspecific

My advice:

DO NOT ADOPT!

DO NOT ADOPT!

DO NOT ADOPT!

Had a guy I work with marry a lady with 3 children. She conned him into adopting them (instead of legal name changes and other options).

A year after he adopted them, she left him for her loser ex-husband and financially devastated him. He now gets to pay child support to his "wife" and her "ex" for years to come.

a reply to: nonspecific

I understand why you would be uncomfortable with being called step-dad. That title is usually used when a couple is in a long term relationship or married. I'm sure you both want a long term relationship but the adults around who are calling you step-dad are doing a disservice to you and the children.

It's still early in your relationship so the kids feelings have to be taken into account. Just by calling you that they are saying you will be a permanent fixture in their lives. If the girls are already calling you daddy sometimes seems like they are craving for a father in their lives.

I would speak to the other adults who are referring to you that way and just remind them that you're not their step-dad yet but want to earn that title. Maybe ask them to refer to you as mom's partner/boyfriend. It will difficult though since they've already given you that title.

Good luck on your new relationship. Everyone deserves happiness. Seems like the kids are welcoming you with open arms so you must be on the right track.

I am SO PLEASED FOR YOU!!!

It's great to hear things are going well in your world!
HUGGS!!

I will guess the only reason the label has you freaked is because you take the job seriously.
My step kids never called me MOM and that was perfectly fine. I saw it as their way to keep their relationship with her special and plus...in reality I'm not their Mom. I never brought it up, as I left that decision up to them.

Stand strong in the face of the Wheedling!!
or at least pretend too....LOLOLOL!
Make them work for it! It builds the bonds of loving memories for when they are grown.

You have to be very careful and wary in this situation, especially if it's a new relationship. A smart mum is going to take a long time to vet a guy before even introducing them to her kids let alone living with them. If it feels like it's too fast and it's too much pressure it probably is and you should pull back before being pushed into a situation you're not comfortable with.

She may be the coolest girlfriend in the world but there's also a danger that you're going to end up being a walking wallet that is paying half her bills so you need to do some vetting of your own so you can go in with your eyes open.

It was a year before I even met my partner's kids and 3 years before I took the plunge and moved in.

The relationship and title is largely what you make of it. I think viewing it in terms as a fake/false father is a bit erroneous. Nor does it have to be a replacement. My dad is still in my life, and I see him everyday. At the same time, I call my stepdad "dad" and have zero issues doing so. I spend enormous amounts of time with both.

Now, he came into my life when I was quite young, so that does change things. But, these things are always at least a bit different from family unit to family unit.

Its just a unique situation that is tricky to understand without being involved in it. The way i see it, my parents are two dads and a mom.

Maybe go into it without preconceived notions about what you think it's supposed to be? It may turn out to be utterly unique and one of the best things in your life. Sometimes we can mess things up if we try to force it into how we always thought it should be, despite having zero experience, instead of letting it just form naturally.

Do be careful though, if its still early in the relationship.

a reply to: nonspecific

Oh goodness.
First, congratulations on your new found happiness, I so hope it works out for you.

Okay, here's my take on it.

Four of them still live at home 19 year old boy(apprentice mechanic), 17 year old boy (at collage studying business) 13 and 12 year old girls both at school. The 5th is a 20 year old man who lives with his girlfreind.

Three of the children are, basically, grown. The two younger girls may, in time, want to call you some form of 'father' but, when/if that day comes you three need to sit down and discuss what that means. To you AND them. Then, decide if you all agree that YOU fit the 'bill' for the duties that they think that 'title' requires and if you can meet those demands.

I heard this in a movie..."Don't take my daughter's hand if you don't mean it".

Everytime I speak against the term people seem to think I am not interested or taking it seriously and that is not the case just that I want to stay away from the stereotypes that can be created with the term.

You may recall that I adopted my three nephews when they were 10, 13 and 14. Their mother had passed away and their father had lost custody. For almost 4 years they lived with me as my sons, equal to my birth daughters. Not once did it cross OUR minds to refer to each other in any way other than we were accustomed. Them by their first names and referred to as my nephews and me as aunt Shell. As it had always been.

I was not their mother. They had one of those. She was a loving and carefree soul who I miss, along with her children,, everyday of my life. She changed so many lives by her presence, even now. I was their (my nephews) caretaker, their guidance counselor and their Aunt.
It was even funny, at times, if someone 'assumed' I was their mother. We would look at each other and laugh.

We have a lifelong bond that began before they were my children and it will carry on now and forever.
Children need someone to believe in, someone to trust and someone who will always be there separate from the love one feels for their parents, IMO.

So, don't worry too much about what others think, tell them to bug off or have the missus do it. Or, politely say I am ____(insert name here) and I am their 'handler'. We use to say that with my oldest nephew (big strapping football player, wild boy) and folks would laugh. It is personal decision between all of you and with the blended families, of all sorts, we have today in this modern world...folks need to be open minded and understand, IMO what folks (especially the children) are comfortable with and not.

Remember this, don't take their hands if you don't mean it.

Good luck, my friend!
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