Softball with AugustusMasonicus

ATS has a well-known reputation for fighting the powers that be, particularly when it comes to law enforcement. This is likely the result of most of you not knowing the secret Masonic high sign to get out of traffic violations, that you just got caught in your basement meth lab which you wrongly think is legal (looking at you Skid), or possibly you’re some Freeman on the Land tool bag trying to beat a jaywalking ticket.

Regardless, I decided you needed someone on the other side to set you straight. So, this Monday’s guest is sure to get your po-po lovin’ juices flowing. It is none other than ATS’s own donut-gobbling, dog-shooting, blue-wall-of-silencing, I-forgot-to-read-you-your-rights-before-I-smashed-your-head-into-the-squad-car flatfoot; Shamrock6. Welcome Shamrock, I hope you brought your pepper spray.

AM: Okay, so you’re a cop and your screenname implies that you’re Irish, do you realize you’re a walking cliché?

SH: I am indeed Irish and do recognize my cliché status. Going back to my paternal family's entrance into the country we've all held pretty cliché jobs for a bunch of micks. In our defense, none of us have perpetually red noses.

AM: How many bros have you tazed?

SH: Five. No, three? Three, sire. All of them deserved it. As did the unladen swallow.

In all seriousness, only a couple. Despite how it appears on TV, most of the time folks know it doesn't feel amazing and once they know that it's an option, they don't want to find out first-hand how amazing it isn't.

AM: So, what brought you to ATS, are you just trying to keep us down?

SH: I don't remember exactly what I was searching for when I stumbled across ATS but it was something to do with aliens. My first exposure was a fairly lengthy thread on Area 51 and I spent quite a while farting around on similar threads. I joined, thinking I could offer a different perspective on things since I consider myself a skeptic that wants to believe. Over time the board changed so my participation shifted.

AM: When you say your participation changed are you trying to tell us that when you discuss aliens now it is the illegal type and how you don't want to cooperate with ICE and deport them?

SH: ....yes. That is precisely what I meant. lol

I think we can all agree that the focus has shifted into a more politically-driven board over the last couple of years, so I started participating in more of those types of threads as the "alien-centric" ones seemed to be fewer and fewer and mostly consisted of a SecureTeam10 video being posted and "what do you guys think?" as the entirety of the OP.

For a time I also liked to discuss things in the PC forum but that's fallen by the wayside as of the last few/several months.

AM: Posse Comitatus? Interesting. In that vein maybe you should share what size jackboots you wear and if you find them comfortable when you are trampling on the Constitution?

SH: Kali actually hooked me up with some very nice jackboots. They even have tassels on them, and have a smiley face in the tread so that I can leave smiley face imprints on the necks of the hippies.

AM: She's good like that. What is your favorite right to violate?

SH: All of them.

But if I had to pick one or two absolute favorites I'd say the Third Amendment and, when possible, the 22nd. I'm still hoping Obama will cancel the election and declare himself President for a third term.

AM: Have you grown accustomed to people spitting in your food?

SH: I generally ask that they find somebody who's chewing gum to be the one that does the spitting so it adds some actual flavor to things. The guys at Waffle House are usually pretty good about keeping gum handy.

AM: I'm sure all the broken taillights you dished out educated them on what to keep handy.

When you zap people with your radar gun do you make *pew* sound effects when you pull the trigger?

SH: I work a plainclothes unit so I don't even have a radar in my vehicle. At this point in my career if I've pulled you over, you've done something magnificently deserving of it.

I will neither confirm or deny as to whether any *pew* *pew* happened earlier in my career, though, and definitely have never stolen the meow game. Ever.


 

AM: Speaking of getting pulled over, stupidest excuse you’ve been given to get out of a ticket or being arrested?

SH: "I'm lost and I always speed when I'm lost." Never did understand that one. While less humorous, I've also had the "I have a sick whomever or some kind of emergency going on and need to speed" card pulled on me which is pretty stupid when it's a lie, since it's pretty easy to follow up on.

AM: So how do we get out of a ticket? Cash? Crying? Both?

SH: The usual stuff. Talk about policemen's balls and how we don't give tickets to pretty girls. If it's on YouTube it's totally going to work, for sure. The other suggestion is to jump out of your vehicle and run towards the officer's vehicle. That pretty much always works.

AM: Thanks for the pointers. Your politics are surprisingly middle of the road. Does this mean you are really good at hiding your fascism or that you telling us the truth?

SH: It's funny, when I take that quiz that shows you where you fall on the chart/graph thing, I'm one or two grid squares off of center and one or two above it. I generally believe people should be left alone for the most part but I recognize that a centralized government is necessary for some things. In my opinion, anyway. I lean right on some issues, lean left on others. That's a big reason I got out of patrol - I'd rather spend my time dealing with "big-time" criminals than dealing with the out-of-work mom who stole formula for her new baby. Plus I can wear my Superman tights to work now, whereas you can't when in uniform.

AM: Finish the sentence. Sheriff David Clarke is…

SH: ...a guy with sweet taste in hats. And mouthy. (That could describe your fearless interviewer as well)

AM: When you watched the Bad Boys movies did you wish you could shoot Will Smith, Martin Lawrence or the goddamn studio for making them?

SH: Why would I do that? They're 100% accurate. Might as well have been a documentary.

Not really, of course. But no, I didn't. I've never been one of those guys that gets all worked up over stuff like that. I enjoyed both movies for what they are: movies. While I'm not above rolling my eyes at some of the more ridiculous things we see on screen, I can still find entertainment value.

AM: Good point to segue into the Softball segment. So, what is the best cop movie?

SH: Oof. That's anything but a softball question, so many of them to pick from. Denzel puts iTraining Day on the list. End of Watch. Heat. De Niro and Pacino made Righteous Kill a good watch despite the movie itself not being all that amazing. Pride and Glory with Farrell and Norton is another one that although the movie itself isn't spectacular the performances in it are amazing. Who doesn't like Clint in Dirty Harry? Hell, even Judge Dredd is a good watch.

AM: Shamrock ends up on death row for all the C.I.'s he's whacked, what's his last meal?

SH: I dunno, what do you want? (Interviewer's note: This is how you turn around a question)

AM: Dunkin, Kripsy or Horton’s?

SH: Sadly I'm too far south to get Horton's but if I could, that would be my pick. Beyond that, whatever is closest is acceptable in a pinch.

AM: Favorite television show?

SH: I don't watch a ton of TV really. At least not "current" stuff. I can wear out Netflix, though. I just finished Cosmos with Neil deGrasse Tyson for the second time through. Parks and Recreation (Ron Swanson is a hell of a guy), Sherlock with Benedict Cumberbatch.

AM: Favorite book?

SH: Anything by W.E.B Griffin or Clancy. Beyond that, I can't narrow it down any further than "the Bible and my copy of the 2nd Amendment."

Some of that was a joke.

AM: Whose music do you not feel bad paying for?

SH: I can't stand bluegrass or R&B. Other than that, my playlist contains everything from the hardest of gangsta rap to dubstep to Johnny Cash to Queen to, embracing the walking cliche again, traditional Irish stuff.

AM: Final question. Who most inspired you to become a cop, Ponch or Jon?

SH: Clarke, actually.



Shamrock will not divulge any personal details other than to say he was born "west of the Mississippi" and currently lives "east of it." In between then and now, several relocations happened. Shammy is divorced and has custody of two male offspring, leaving him one short of a fire team, sadly.

Hobbies include but are not limited to strong pornography, Johnnie Walker (any label is fine), chess tournaments, martial arts, and various sporting activities. Occasionally sleeping. (He left out Macing octogenarians in the eyes).




That wraps up our interview for this month, hope you enjoyed how I spoke truth to power, that fascist thug had nothing on me. But in all seriousness, keep your hands on the wheel, don’t ever make sudden movements and make sure you keep your dog in an off-site kennel at all times.

Thanks Shamrock for playing along today, I appreciated your participation and your parting gifts this afternoon is a $3 gift card to Starbucks (which will likely get you a ¼ cup of coffee) since we need to get you some coffee culture and a pocket Constitution so you know exactly which of our rights you are violating. Until next time.

Heh, what’s that red dot on my chest?

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Oh my god I can't even.

I've had a super crush on Shamrock6 since day one.

I loved this so much!

a reply to: geezlouise

Oh. Ehm. Gee.

Me too!!!!!!!

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Twas fun, though I still haven't received my gift card. I was told there would be a gift card. Have you seen my gift card, Augie?

Maybe Louise has it. Is it like grade school where she takes my stuff because she likes me?!? ZOMG

originally posted by: geezlouise
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Oh my god I can't even.

I've had a super crush on Shamrock6 since day one.

I loved this so much!

I understand.

To be honest, he had me at this line: "It is none other than ATS’s own donut-gobbling..."

jacy

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Well I can't blame you or anyone for having the hots for such a stud.

And ty so much for sharing him with us, that's very caring.

Also a special ty to Shamrock6 for letting yourself get shared, ily for real forever. No matter what.! Lol.

a reply to: Shamrock6

Yes cause I want your attention.

a reply to: jacygirl

Lol.

a reply to: geezlouise

Then why do you keep throwing things at me whenever I stand under your window and serenade you?!?

originally posted by: jacygirl

originally posted by: geezlouise
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Oh my god I can't even.

I've had a super crush on Shamrock6 since day one.

I loved this so much!

I understand.

To be honest, he had me at this line: "It is none other than ATS’s own donut-gobbling..."

jacy

I've been known to share donuts. It's a rare occasion and Louise might beat us both up, but I mean...

a reply to: Shamrock6

Hahaha.

Just playing hard to get and if you endure and fight for me then that will show me that your love is really true.

a reply to: geezlouise

There's only so many times I can get brained with a lamp, sweet cheeks. Eventually I'll forget things like which house to go to

originally posted by: Shamrock6

originally posted by: jacygirl

originally posted by: geezlouise
a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Oh my god I can't even.

I've had a super crush on Shamrock6 since day one.

I loved this so much!

I understand.

To be honest, he had me at this line: "It is none other than ATS’s own donut-gobbling..."

jacy

I've been know to share donuts. It's a rare occasion and Louise might beat us both up, but I mean...

You know about Louise?
Wait no...this is a trap!

"I" am Louise..."she" is Thelma.
*whew*...I'm onto your tricks, you!
jacy

a reply to: jacygirl

When I attempt to pull the two of you over before you reach the cliff, please comply citizen.

ATS would suck without y'all. Augie, too. I guess.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

Pay no attention to the red dot. Or the cute ankle bracelet. They're just fashion statements.

a reply to: Shamrock6

Oh I see what you're saying. I can't have you wandering to Jacy's house by accident and it be my fault. No way Jose!

originally posted by: Shamrock6
a reply to: geezlouise

Then why do you keep throwing things at me whenever I stand under your window and serenade you?!?

Was that what it was? I thought it was two tomcats fighting (and they do use terrible bad language, y'know.)

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: geezlouise

Oh. Ehm. Gee.

Me too!!!!!!!

...get a room, you guys.

originally posted by: Byrd
...get a room, you guys.

Again?

a reply to: Shamrock6

Oh my god that is like my secret fantasy.

Pull me over you big stud, you.