Is it cheating?

Top of the evening ATS,

I come to you with a dilemma I have found myself in. I don't like to discuss personal matters with direct friends and family because I don't like to air the dirty laundry unless I personally need help with something.

In this case, I don't really need any help. I just want to hear what others think. So, here's the rundown.

Earlier this week, I discovered that my fiancé was having an affair of sorts. We both openly share our laptops and tablets. I hide nothing from her and she hides nothing from me. We even share an email acct that's found on all our devices. So I wasn't prying of snooping. I was searching for an email we sent to a vendor when I found an email she sent to her boss.

The email was part of a "homework assignment" he gave her. It included a link to a pornsite with a video of a Boss/Secretary scenario. It was personal. It was done with intent. I consider it cheating.

Here's where it gets tricky. They both work for a certain 3 letter agency that's notorious for dealing emails. He's relatively high up in this location. She's still very new. She said that he has said inappropriate comments to her for as long as she's worked there but she never paid it much attention. Occasionally, she says, she would flirt back with him to get him off her back. I consider that enabling the situation. She claims that because of his high rank, she couldn't turn him in for harassment, she couldn't ask him to stop, and she didn't know what else to do but play along in his fantasy. But she also doesn't deny that she didn't mind the attention from the boss.

She denies there ever being any physical contact. I'm inclined to believe her because outside of work we practically spend every minute together to include living together. She says she's not unhappy in any aspect of our relationship, she still loves me and would be devastated if her actions ruined our relationship.

I was irate when I discovered it. I have no tolerance for cheating. But I kind of feel like it's in a grey area of sorts. I have no doubt that he has applied enough pressure over time to lure her into it. I know that her lack of self confidence allows for a sense of vulnerability.

For perspective, since I confronted her she's denied nothing and didn't lie when I purposely tried to catch her in a lie. Also, she's taking all the right steps (so far) to fix it...even going so far as getting a life coach to help with her self esteem issues.

So...what do you guys think...is it cheating?

Oh geez....as a rule, if you have to ask, the answer is yes.

I'll grab my popcorn and await the caveats and justifications that are sure to pour in.


Sorry this happened.

I would also be irate, but given that she had made no attempt to hide it and has even mentioned his advances, take it with some salt.

Try to walk through it in her shoes- I've never known a beautiful woman to not use unwanted advances to their advantage. Flirting back without following through is a bluff, or a lie- but aimed at them, not you.

She claims that because of his high rank, she couldn't turn him in for harassment, she couldn't ask him to stop, and she didn't know what else to do but play along in his fantasy.

Yes she can, harassment in the workplace is not tolerated.

Absolutely not.

Support your partner and go after the problem (the boss). Nail his scummy arse to a wall. No reason this dbag should come between you and your soon to be spouse. She clearly bent around his whims to keep herself gainfully employed. She was sent some crap and denied none of it.

Lets say you signed up for a purchase offer or a survey or some other random internet thing that required your email address. Then they sold your address to some other company that in turn sent you an offer to a porn site? Is that cheating?

Quick tip. You being her fiancé is her biggest help to her self esteem.

a reply to: kosmicjack

I totally agree with CosmicJack on this one..
If i was cheated i'd kick them to the curb.

Don't waste your time on someone who uses you then discards you like unwanted crap.

Be Kind, and do unto others and all that

@KosmicJack
@Encryptor

Where did she cheat? Did I miss something in the OP?

The warning flags are there.

Use your best judgment, but don't be surprised when more comes of this later...

In my experience, affairs tend to start off in the emotional and mental realms for women. We men are so much more primitive in our needs...

I'd be highly pissed in your shoes and would likely be at least in contact with a divorce attorney. ( I'm married )

Best of luck.

a reply to: JinMI

Then why didn't she cop to it until she was confronted? It's game-playing.

nope that`s not cheating but it WILL lead to cheating, why? because of this:
"she would flirt back with him, because of his high rank, she couldn't turn him in for harassment, she couldn't ask him to stop, and she didn't "
she "couldnt"? or she wouldn`t? and when she does cheat( and she will) those will be the exact same excuses she will use for cheating.
if she really does believe that she has no control over stopping someone from making unwanted advances toward her then she shouldn`t be anywhere near that person,because unwanted advances WILL eventually become unwanted sex,guaranteed.She will give in to the unwanted sex for the same reasons she is giving in to the unwanted advances.

I think not. Worst could be a lack of openness in communication, but it seems that she didn't attach much importance to these events and as such, not worthy of mention. I would assume your conversation included expectations regarding future communications of a similar nature.

ganjoa

a reply to: kosmicjack

Maybe she didn't/doesn't consider it a big deal. Clearly it's a serious matter to the thread maker but possibly she doesn't see any harm in what she's doing.

Women have used their assets to their advantage in the workplace for a very long time. I'm sure most women have put up with varied levels of jurkish men for a very long time and handle it in different ways. I'm saying perhaps her line was not yet crossed.

Is there a time line between the email and when the op found it? Was it long? I guess that could have some sort of impact.

a reply to: Tardacus

So flirting equals sex? Man, I've missed out on so many opportunities!~~!

In seriousness, since we don't know the OP's finace, we have no clue where she draws the line.

a reply to: JinMI

It's mental, which is where it starts. But really, that's only as far as he knows...based on what a sneak has told him. She should have/could have told him the first time there was the first hint of anything inappropriate.

And geez - an agency? On government dime? With all kinds of filters and checks? Puhlease. This isn't innocent. Blackmail is a real concern in those places too. Everything about this screams "more to the story".

I feel for the OP. It's a pickle and his happiness hangs in the balance. I would get it if he stayed and I would get it if he bailed.

My mistake:

I was searching for an email we sent to a vendor when I found an email she sent to her boss.

I misread that quote. Yea, some serious thoughts and conversations need to be had.

Sending the boss that niche of porn says a lot.

originally posted by: JinMI
Absolutely not.

Support your partner and go after the problem (the boss). Nail his scummy arse to a wall. No reason this dbag should come between you and your soon to be spouse. She clearly bent around his whims to keep herself gainfully employed. She was sent some crap and denied none of it.

Lets say you signed up for a purchase offer or a survey or some other random internet thing that required your email address. Then they sold your address to some other company that in turn sent you an offer to a porn site? Is that cheating?

Quick tip. You being her fiancé is her biggest help to her self esteem.

She has already opened up dialogue with the EEO department. They're assisting her with it. Part of me not leaving is under the premise that she brings attention to his behavior or I do.

I'm going to be supportive of this part of it because I don't know what it's like to be a woman in the workforce. I told her I'll support her in addressing that part of it but I want full disclosure and as much access to the process as I can. After that, we can address our relationship.

originally posted by: JinMI
a reply to: kosmicjack

Maybe she didn't/doesn't consider it a big deal. Clearly it's a serious matter to the thread maker but possibly she doesn't see any harm in what she's doing.

Women have used their assets to their advantage in the workplace for a very long time. I'm sure most women have put up with varied levels of jurkish men for a very long time and handle it in different ways. I'm saying perhaps her line was not yet crossed.

Is there a time line between the email and when the op found it? Was it long? I guess that could have some sort of impact.

It was sent on a Saturday. I found it the following Monday.

a reply to: Assassin82

My opinion is that she is being sexually harassed and due to the circumstances of her job, the fact that she wants to keep her job, and the struggle women face when powerful men make unwanted advances, she opted for the awkward "string him along" Defence so that he doesn't turn on her.

That's my take. She's in a really awkward place, she goes along with it, let's the fantasy happen, or she might see her career options decline. I can't say that was her only option but I can understand why she made that choice. I hope it doesn't escalate on her. She should be careful. Perhaps at some point put up a boundary of "hey that was a bit too far?"

I feel bad for her. Then again, if it's an actual affair and she's lying, time will tell. You have a right to be uncomfortable with it, that's for sure!

Boss Man is totally taking advantage of her, most likely, from what you say.
A B

a reply to: Assassin82

Please see my above post. My posts before that are kind of invalid based upon my wrong assumption.

Unless you, her and her boss are very open and liberal with your sex life, sending porn is a massive red flag on a few different levels.

If you are pretty private people who have a very separate work life and home life, I would seriously question the motives to sending a pornographic video to the boss.

IMO you have a very hard decision to make.

So sorry