Psychiatry, Psychology, and/or other Mental Health Care -related Fields

...and here's the rest of my e-mail to my psychologist:

Over these past six months I have been calling various phone numbers that were given to me by people telling me that I'd be able to come in contact with an attorney who can help me. I've already called over twenty different phone numbers including the following: the County of Los Angeles Info Regarding Health and Social Services, City of Los Angeles Info Regarding Health and Social Services, Los Angeles County Bar Association Smart Law Information Tapes, Los Angeles County Bar Association Attorney Referral/Consultation, Protection & Advocacy (for disabled citizens), Los Angeles County Department of Mental Service/Intake (Patient line), Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health Administrative, Santa Monica Lawyer Referral, Lawyers Referral Service, Legal Aid Foundation of Los Angeles, Doctor Misconduct/CA State Medical Board, Legal Aid Society of Orange County, Neighborhood Legal Services of Los Angeles County, San Gabriel Valley Lawyer, Lawyers Referral Service, Orange County Bar Association Lawyer Referral Service, SmartLaw Lawyer Referrals, State Bar of California Attorney Complaints. I've called several of these places, spoken to several different people, repeated my questions and concerns, been transferred over to other numbers and referred to several different people and places, been given the run-around, been hung up on, and so far everybody has refused to answer my questions and give me any real advice. One person told me that they'd only be able to help me if I had insurance (which I don't.) Another person told me that mental health care workers are professionals and that they know what is best for me, then I was disconnected very quickly after. An attorney told me that he could only help me if I showed up to his office in person with a check for $950 and my medical records and that I'd probably end up paying more later. What could I do when not even the law is willing to help me?

I can't do anything right. I couldn't get my high school diploma. I couldn't do a simple mall cop job. I continue to fail at every aspect of my life: socially, romantically, economically, academically... 

Ever since I saw “delusional disorder” on my MedRec, I find myself constantly questioning everything that I see, hear, think, and feel. I am not certain about anything anymore. How was any of this ethical? How does any of this make any sense?

A few hours later I received the following e-mail from him:

It is very simple: What you ask of me to do is not a service I provide.

I don't know what to think anymore. I realize that e-mailing my psychologist in this manner was incredibly inappropriate, but I couldn't help myself. I'm so desperate for legal help here, and he was the only option that I could think of after I've already exhausted all of my other options. And so now I'm alone. I can't tell if I'm genuinely losing my mind or if I'm being #ed with here.

I realize that, ultimately, my therapist (or, in this case, my psychologist) isn't really my “friend-for-hire”, because I shouldn't really think of these people as my “friends”. They're paid professionals, and they make very poor substitutes for friends. They're paid to fake empathy. So for me to have ever put my trust in any of them was a very poor decision from the start.

I basically wasted $700 so that my psychologist would write me a psychological evaluation report which is now completely useless to me. My psychiatrist is ignoring everything that was written on it, so it serves me no purpose. And my psychologist wants me to start my psychotherapy treatment with one of the psychotherapists that work under him... which would be $100 per week, for 6 months... so it would be like $2,400 in total. That's one helluva an investment for a “treatment” that might not even “cure” these “disorders” that my psychiatrist admitted to me are probably not even “real”. And my psychologist told me to let the psychotherapist do most of the talking, and to not bombard her with my questions because she will not answer them. I already know how that's gonna go.

Now that my psychiatrist put down “Delusional Disorder, erotomanic type f22” on my MedRec, I wonder what he will put on there next? Maybe the next time that I see him this month, he's gonna decide that it's not “Delusional Disorder, erotomanic type f22” after all, that maybe it really is “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. And then the month after that, he's gonna change his mind again and say that it's “Borderline Personality Disorder”. And the month after that? Maybe it's “Bipolar Disorder”. And then? “Schizoaffective Disorder”? After that? “Schizophrenia”?

And since he's going to stop prescribing Adderall, what's he gonna he prescribe me next? Is he gonna try prescribing me that antipsychotic Abilify that that male nurse practitioner tried to prescribe me earlier this year back in July? Is my psychiatrist just gonna run me a through a cycle of a bunch of antidepressant, anti-anxiety, and/or antipsychotic medications with even worse side-effects which will basically leave me in a vegetative state for the rest of my life? So I'm just gonna end up like all those homeless people living a short walking distance east of here in Skid Row where their senses are so deadened that they've simply stopped giving a #? And I'm gonna be right there with them, feeling like #, looking like #, smelling like #, barely coherent... until I just find some hole to rot and die in?

I have never felt more alone in my life.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Quasiscientist
More importantly what do you think of their diagnosis?

I do not know what to think anymore. My psychiatrist has already admitted to me that he does not believe that any of the disorders that I have been diagnosed (Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) with are “real”. He cannot guarantee that any of his treatments will work. That is what is written on the “SERVICE AGREEMENT” that I signed when I was filling out my Intake Paperwork back in the first of July of 2013:

Treatment Outcome. The treatment of mental disorders, relationship problems, and other mental conditions require different tools such as medications, therapy, after-session assignments, support groups, and habit changes. There are ample evidences that these tools work for some people some of the time. However, there is no guarantee that any of these tools will work for my specific condition. I'm willing to accept that fact going into treatment.

I doubt that my psychologist can make the guarantee to me that the psychotherapy treatment that he is recommending to me is going to work.

I have just seen so many doctors these last few years that I have gotten sick at how they just kind of rush me along, like I am on an assembly line. They shoot down almost everything that I say. And then when something does not go well, like when that antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication was making me feel like #—I get told to not blame them or anybody else because it was ultimately my decision to make and nobody forced me into it. I am sick of being influenced, pressured, and/or bullied into making rushed decisions that can make permanent, negative, life-altering changes. I do not know if it is because of compassion fatigue, but just about every doctor that I have seen seems to fake empathy.

Pretty much every doctor that I have seen (psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists, neurologists, GPs, ENTs, optometrists, etc.) is only willing to speak to me for about fifteen — twenty minutes. Some of them only put up with me for about five minutes or less, even one GP going so far as to telling me: “OK. Close that mouth” while I'm describing my symptoms. I do not really have much of a choice on the matter. I cannot tell them: “could I maybe speak to you for about one or two hours so that I could tell you my symptoms, my concerns, my entire medical history, my life story?” Only my therapists and psychologists are willing to put up with me for that long. Even they sometimes could not up with me for that long. One therapist cut the session short after only about fifteen minutes.

My doctors will disagree with each other about what is or is not the right treatment. If there is something that one doctor cannot quite figure out, something that they do not specialize in, they simply tell me to go see a different specialist. But then I wonder... if my neurologist did not believe that psychiatry was “scientific”, why even bother sending me to a psychiatrist at all? He did tell me that he believed that my essential tremors and insomnia were being caused by my anxiety and depression. So then, are things like “anxiety” and “depression” considered: “neurological” problems, “psychiatric” problems, “psychological” problems, or all of the aforementioned? How are such things supposed to be treated, and by who? Neurologists? Psychiatrists? Psychologists? Psychotherapists? All of the aforementioned?

If a patient is prescribed all sorts of medications that are supposed to help their symptoms improve, that are supposed to help with their: anxiety, depression, insomnia, essential tremors. etc.... but none of the medications work, then what else is the patient supposed to do? If a patient has already met with all of these doctors... neurologists, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists... and the patient is still experiencing the symptoms, what else is the patient supposed to do? If disorders such as “Major Depressive Disorder” and “Generalized Anxiety Disorder” and “Social Anxiety Disorder” and “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder” are “physical” things rather than “mental”, things of the “body” rather than the “mind”, if such things have “mechanical underpinnings”... then why can't such disorders be identified by scans like MRI, MRI, CT, CAT, PET, EEG, etc.? If such disorders can't be identified physically, then who is to say whether or not they are “real”? Who is to say whether or not they are “mental”? If these disorders truly are “all in the mind”, then why should the patient need to take expensive medication or go through expensive psychotherapy for things that might not even be “real”? Why can't the patient simply use their own “will power” to “overcome” these things that may really all be in “their head”? Is there even such a thing as “will power”? Is there even such a thing as “free will”?

I have already gone back and forth from one doctor to another... I went from a neurologist, who then referred me to a second psychiatrist, who told me to go see a therapist (and that same psychiatrist later told me to go find a different psychiatrist), the therapist told me to go speak to a psychiatrist... so I returned to my first psychiatrist, and then I was told by the psychiatrist's practice that he would be too busy for the next several months and so I should go see the practice's DO, and then when I tried to see that DO again I was told that she was no longer with their practice so I ended up making an appointment to see a NP, and when I went to see the NP I was told by his practice that he could not make the appointment so I ended up seeing a different NP... and then when I tried to make an appointment with a geneticist I was told that I could only see the geneticist if I was referred to them by another doctor first, so I ended up telling the NP about this only to have her refer me to a PCP, but then after I went to see the PCP he told me that he couldn't help me with seeing a geneticist and that I would have been better off asking a psychiatrist instead... and then after seeing that NP for nine sessions nearly every month for over a year I was suddenly told that I was allowed neither to see nor speak to her anymore, so I ended up with yet another NP only to be later told by this practice the same thing about him not being “comfortable” near me, so now I'm allowed to only see this practice's psychiatrist... and when I first went to see my second therapist to see about getting tested for personality disorders she told me that she didn't really specialize in that sort of thing and that she could refer me to a psychologist who could help me, and then when I went to see the psychologist he told me to start seeing one of the therapists that works with him so that I could start my psychotherapy treatment...

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Quasiscientist
More importantly what do you think of their diagnosis?

So I am left wondering: what is a person to do when they no longer have the luxury to be running around in circles, constantly going back and forth seeing and speaking to all sorts of different doctors who disagree with each other, being repeatedly ignored, shot down, turned away, given the run-around... when that person's time is limited, and their source of income is unreliable and could end at any given moment? Who can that person turn to, when the only people willing to give him any time will only do so if given money? What can that person turn to when science and medicine have failed? Philosophy? Spirituality? Religion?

And what of all of those other people out there in the world today who don't even have the luxury to access all of this knowledge... to access all of the knowledge that may be available in science, medicine, philosophy, spirituality, and religion? What if a person never had access to all of this knowledge due to unfortunate circumstances? What if a person once had access to all of this knowledge, but due to a series of unfortunate events lost it all? What if a person felt that they were on the verge of finally losing it all: financially, socially, physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, mentally? That they were on the verge of losing: their privacy, their security, their possessions, their freedom? If this person did decide to turn to philosophy, spirituality, and/or religion, how can they be certain that they could trust their own intelligence, their own logic, their own intuition, their own judgment, their own senses, their own perception of reality to be able to truly comprehend everything that they have read? If this person really did have a deep, underlying, undiagnosed severe mental disorder all along (like schizophrenia), how could this person know to trust in himself? How could this person possibly know where one draws the line between reality and fantasy? Who in the world has the authority to draw that line, and why should they have that authority? How can anybody around this person possibly trust in any of his words and/or actions? What is this person supposed to do then?

Who can that person turn to, when not even God is willing to understand his pain, because God is probably not even there to listen?

In the interest of keeping it simple... you didn't answer my question from page one:

One symptom of add is not paying attention, not listening to others or short attention span. Do you think you have a problem paying attention?

originally posted by: intrptr

In the interest of keeping it simple... you didn't answer my question from page one:

One symptom of add is not paying attention, not listening to others or short attention span. Do you think you have a problem paying attention?

In a way I did answer this particular question in one of my earlier posts, but yes, I guess you could say that I do believe myself to have a problem with my attention span. I mean, that was one of the reasons why I decided to see a psychiatrist in the first place. I figured if anybody would know whether or not I actually do have a problem with my attention span, it would be a psychiatrist. But, as you know, that first session with my first psychiatrist went by ridiculously quick and the guy prescribed me Adderall like nothing. I'm not even sure if there even really is such a thing as "Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder", as the neurologist that I met with back in 2013 told me that he didn't find anything unusual in my MRI scans. And my attention span (with or without Adderall) actually seems to be better than most people's, although people (especially people within my own family) tend to focus a lot of their attention on what they perceive to be a "poor attention span" on my part, while ignoring their own flaws.

a reply to: Quasiscientist

That sounded really reasonable, so whats the problem? My family doesn't like me either. Doctors would say I'm anti everything 'acceptable' in the main stream. So what? I think they are all crazy too.

(goes about business)

Its not necessarily a bad thing the world rejects you. Ambition, success, celebrity, all carrots hung in front of our noses to get us to struggle to earn, consume, pay tax, be accepted.

There was this surfing guru in Hawaii, he was native born Hawaiian. He said when he was very young the Americans that occupied his homeland told him that he was going to have to learn english. Why, he asked. So you can go to school. Why. So you can get an education, so you can graduate, so you can have a degree, so you can get a job, so you can have a career, so you can earn a bunch of money, so you can afford a house, with a two car garage... and two cars.

No thanks, he said, and went surfing.

Stop worrying. You march to a slightly different drum beat, its okay you don't fit in, maybe don't belong. Appealing to the system to save you, the system just wants more minions and good earners to support it. In exchange you get a lot of money and stuff to maintain and pay for all your life. What a headache.

If you find some little niche that satisfies your basic needs and are careful how you treat others, just live that life, its all thats required.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Quasiscientist
That sounded really reasonable, so whats the problem?

My problem is that people will never let up. People will never be satisfied with the person that I am. People will always find faults in me to point out, and will make sure that I never hear the end of it.

What I'm starting to see now that the harder I try to "perfect" myself into the well-adjusted, productive member of society that people want to see... the harder people will try to find faults. They'll make sure to find any flaws (even if they don't immediately notice any, they'll just make something up and call it a "flaw" that I need to work on), and point them out to me, in the loudest, most critical, most humiliating manner possible for everyone within earshot to hear. People will find any reason whatsoever to hate and mock me.

I used to be fat. People used to mock me for being fat. People used to tell me that I deserved to be mocked because I was a: "gluttonous, greedy, lazy, fat sack of #." Two years ago I used to weigh 286 pounds, nearly 300 pounds... once I started taking Adderall back in January of 2015, I very quickly started losing weight as I would get bored and antsy sitting around all day in front of my computer, so I'd go outside for long walks, and sometimes go an entire day without eating anything. By August of 2015, I already weighed around 160 pounds. But people didn't care. They'd just find other flaws to mock me for, to hate me. Nobody gives a single # that I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder... to people these are just "made-up disorders", they're apparently just "excuses" that I'm using to excuse my behavior that they perceive to be "bad".

When people say that "nobody's perfect", it implies that there's such a thing as "perfection". That "perfection" isn't some arbitrary human construct. That "perfection" is something that is reachable, and is something that every human should strive to. But there's really no such thing.

My judgment informs me that this world is not a pleasant place for people like me. When a person is diagnosed with a "disorder", it's like they're having a big label stamped on their forehead for everybody to see that states "WEAK" or "LAZY" or "CRAZY" or "STUPID" or "EVIL". And so, people take advantage of this. They see a person who is unfit for this world. They see a person who is deserving of all the hate and mockery. I finally understand now. It's schaudenfreude. People get off of the misery of those that they perceive to be weak. It's a victim-blaming complex. People blame the victims for their misfortunes. That's how people in the world this world survive. That's the impression that I get.

originally posted by: Bluesma
keep taking a drug that the psychiatrist thinks you should be weened off of. (that you yourself pointed out is often used recreationally).

Oh, come on. How does that make any sense? So my psychiatrist wants to cut me off of Adderall because some people take it for recreation? So then why did my psychiatrist decide to prescribe it to me in the first place over three years ago back in July 1, 2013, if he suspected that I was displaying drug-seeking behavior trying to get myself diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder so that I could be prescribed Adderall? Why is he suddenly deciding now to stop prescribing me Adderall, after I've been taking it nearly every single day for almost two years? Why is he completely disregarding everything that was written by my psychologist on my psychological evaluation report, in particular the three following snippets?:

Some of his vegetative symptoms appear to be somewhat mitigated by the prescription of a psycho-stimulant (Adderall), which has been used on a regular basis.

He was advised to continue to attend his regular meetings with his psychiatrist (currently, Dr. Ch) who prescribes Adderall

There were no questions raised regarding his reality testing, no hallucinations reported, and no delusions noted either, failing to support a psychosis hypothesis (including all Schizophrenic disorders).

This is what my psychiatrist wrote for our session of the 17th of October of 2016:

101716 md150 30 min rc
O: Confronted patient about all of the accusations and conclusively denied all of the accusations. Depression 9/10. Anxiety 5/10. Irritability 2/10. Happiness 3/10. Calmness 6/10. Gratitude 9/10. Appearance: wearing dark sunglasses, wearing a hat, and carrying a backpack. No AIMS. Constricted affect as before. Linear thought process. Has delusions concerning Dr. Ude's behaviors. No hallucinations. Limited insight. Fair judgement.
A: Delusional Disorder, erotomanic type f22. R/O Schizotypal Personality Disorder. ADHD
P: Will taper patient off of Adderall XR and switch him to a different medication as we're not sure if Adderall XR is accentuating his delusional thoughts. Decrease Adderall XR to 20mg bid, #60. Informed patient that he should not be obtaining Adderall XR from other providers while we taper his Adderall XR and if he did, then we could no longer prescribe him Adderall XR. He understood and agreed.

This goes against what he wrote for our session of the 9th of August of 2016:

080916 md150 20 min rc
S: He went to see a psychologist Dr. Vai, PhD. ---.---.----. Dr. Vai doesn't think that he has a personality disorder, but he has schizotypal personality style. Dr. Vai doesn't think that he will develop schizophrenia and that it's OK for him to continue to take Adderall XR which will help with his mental state. He's diagnosed by Dr. Va to have MDD, moderate, recurrent, GAD, and Social Anxiety Disorder.

[...]

A: ADHD
P: Adderall XR 20mg tid, #90 for 2 months with EFD 9/9/16. Recommend meetup.com for him to increase his social circle.

Why did he change his mind from one session to the next? How many more times is he gonna change his mind? Now that my psychiatrist put down “Delusional Disorder, erotomanic type f22” on my MedRec, I wonder what he will put on there next? Maybe the next time that I see him this month, he's gonna decide that it's not “Delusional Disorder, erotomanic type f22” after all, that maybe it really is “Narcissistic Personality Disorder”. And then the month after that, he's gonna change his mind again and say that it's “Borderline Personality Disorder”. And the month after that? Maybe it's “Bipolar Disorder”. And then? “Schizoaffective Disorder”? After that? “Schizophrenia”?

And since he's going to stop prescribing Adderall, what's he gonna he prescribe me next? Is he gonna try prescribing me that antipsychotic Abilify that that male nurse practitioner tried to prescribe me earlier this year back in July? Is my psychiatrist just gonna run me a through a cycle of a bunch of antidepressant, anti-anxiety, and/or antipsychotic medications with even worse side-effects which will basically leave me in a vegetative state for the rest of my life?

I sincerely doubt that my psychiatrist cares about me. I mean, come on. It's right there on the "SERVICE AGREEMENT" form that I signed (which I had no choice but to sign if I wanted to see this psychiatrist) back in the 1st of July of 2013:

Suicide. I will not attempt to end my life while I'm under the care of My Doctor. If I have strong urges to end my life, I will call 911 or go to the nearest Emergency Room so I can be evaluated and treated before I do anything to harm myself. My family and I will not hold My Doctor liable if I attempt to or succeed in ending my life.

So then, basically, my psychiatrist can do whatever he wants and nobody can do or say anything to him about it. And if a patient commits suicide, the psychiatrist is not legally obligated to take responsibility for the patient's suicide. So my psychiatrist can prescribe, say, antidepressant medication to a patient suffering from Major Depressive Disorder and the patient says that they genuinely feel much better and are much more functional and productive in life... but then the psychiatrist can simply decide to force the patient to quit taking the antidepressant medication cold turkey, for no real reason whatsoever (or for completely bull# reasons) and he knows that the patient can't do jack # about it. So the patient relapses into a deeper depression and then commits suicide, and nobody can do anything about it.

And the patient can't make any complaints because they've already been labeled as "mentally ill", and so everything that they do and say can and will be used against them, because the psychiatrist has the authority over the patient. The psychiatrist can just say that the patient imagined everything, that it was all a delusion, or a hallucination, or a confabulation or whatever. That the patient is at the onset of schizophrenia. So the patient's complaints are simply disregarded.

How is any of this ethical at all?

Does anybody here understand the point that I'm trying to get at?

a reply to: Quasiscientist


Here is my take on it. I believe that most psychiatric "illnesses" stem from one's environment/circumstances, as opposed to stemming from one's on mind.


The lie that mental disease is passed through genes may be an example of the insanity perpetuated by the modern field of Pyschiatry, and I can prove my point with an extremely simple example.


Take any given baby and place him/her into a toxic environment that's been mired by things like domestic violence or drug abuse. Certain "illenesses" are likely to stem from there.

Take said baby and place him/her into a loving, healthy, nurturing, wealthy environment and he/she will thrive.


I believe we are products of our circumstances up to a point. I also believe in that "It matters more where you're going, than where you came from".

a reply to: Quasiscientist


I know for a fact that altering one's thought patterns can have an emotionally regulating effect, and that this is more powerful than any anti-depressant. I am living prove of this.

Also, the long-term effects of psychiatric medications are proven to wage damage to the patient's physical body. Organ damage, the thickening of blood just being two examples.

a reply to: Quasiscientist

You have to learn to let go of your anxiety about what people think of you. I know how hard that seems, but the more your worry about wether people like or accept you the more some people will find fault.

And some people love to find fault with others. These aren't your friends, get away from them.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: Quasiscientist
You have to learn to let go of your anxiety about what people think of you. I know how hard that seems, but the more your worry about wether people like or accept you the more some people will find fault.

And some people love to find fault with others. These aren't your friends, get away from them.

That's just the thing. I don't even have any friends. Everywhere I go, I get pushed away. I can't do anything right. I screw up everything that I try doing with my life.

I couldn't do a simple mall cop job for one month back in 2011. I tried getting the “adult high school diploma” by taking some adult school classes last year, and I couldn't even do that. I seriously doubt that I could handle college, if I couldn't even handle high school. Right now I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with me. Why I'm such a screw-up. Why my childhood was so #ty. Why I didn't have any friends. Why I don't have any friends now.

It's like the world is telling me: “you got to be 27 years old, and yet you're still unemployed... still haven't finished high school, still don't have any friends, still don't have any job experience, still don't have any references... it's almost as if you're at retirement age right now at 27! You don't even have any credit! That's just as bad as having bad credit! If you're like this right now, it's doubtful that you'll be any different by the time you're 65! Pack up your # and go. You're not even a human #ing being. You're less than human. You're an invalid. # off and die. You'd be doing the whole world a huge favor.”

My whole life I've had people telling me that I'm: “crazy” — that “there's something seriously wrong” with me — that I “need to seek professional help.” And now that I've actually gone out to seek “professional help”, nobody actually seems to care. I'm starting to see now that everyone else seems to know as much about the world as I do. Which is... nothing, really...

...but then again maybe it's my mental illness trying to convince me that I'm not crazy, that it's everybody else that's crazy.

a reply to: Quasiscientist

That's just the thing. I don't even have any friends. Everywhere I go, I get pushed away. I can't do anything right. I screw up everything that I try doing with my life.

Thats impossible, don't exaggerate. If you get up in the morning, make breakfast and don't fall down the stairs you're batting a 1000. I can't keep answering someone who is 100 percent negative.

Stop setting the bar so high. Just let life unfold, instead of pissing in your own cheerios all the time.

Woe is me.

Try the worm song.