How to Break Up Gracefully

a reply to: Profusion

Seriously?

There's no such thing as breaking up "gracefully". That's only something delusional people tell themselves when they break someone elses heart.

a reply to: Profusion
I see.
Her truthfulness was only a lie. I feel you bro.

a reply to: peppycat

I think that's excellent advice, thank you.

a reply to: luciferslight

My conclusion concerning the woman I wrote that email to was that nothing she told me could be trusted.

originally posted by: SlapMonkey
I really think that you're overly worried about the affect of your break-up on this ex-gf of yours. There can be myriad things that happen in someone's life that can put them in a relative funk, and you may not understand something that she may be going through at this time. Remember, according to you, she tried to break up with you before, so there was obviously some sort of indication on her behalf that showed that the relationship wasn't meant to be.

Correlation is not necessarily causation. The fact that they seem like a totally different person could be an act or it could my personal opinion being wrong. I got to know that person very well over a period of time approaching two years. Over that time their personality was very stable. No personality change happened before. They told me their life is going "very well." I can't say for sure, but I see enough warning signs to be concerned.

a reply to: Lice000

That doesn't make sense to me because it brings no closure in an efficient way. It seems cruel too.

a reply to: eletheia

We communicated via a forum, private messages on a forum, instant messaging online, email, phone conversations, and mobile-to-mobile text messages. The whole thing was very intense via instant messaging, but I think it all turned when we spoke to each other on the phone. The sound of her voice had me hooked. It went way beyond being pen pals. We spoke on the phone for around 10 hours in total.

a reply to: kosmicjack

I experienced a graceful breakup with my ex-wife. It was fairly clear for about the last three years of our marriage that we were getting divorced, so we were able to break apart truly gracefully. We have remained friends since our divorce with no problems. It's a good friendship.

I usually just play this.. real loud.. while dancing and setting things on fire.

Online relationships, like the one you took your email break up from, don't count as real relationships to me.
I guess I am old. I've just seen that my online relationships tend to have an element of narcissism because of the lack of physical exchange.

I mean, when you are talking with someone, there is another exchange happening at the same time-
through body language, tone of voice, smells, your subconscious's are exchanging and commenting; emphasizing or de-emphasizing, confirming or invalidating, the words coming out of your mouth.

Like your conscious awareness/ego is the husband having this bragging, bluffing, exchange with the other husband... while the wives are having a quiet and sincere exchange based more on empathy than hierarchy, power, conquest.
They tell each other- "he's exaggerating on that", "he's lying, that isn't what happened", "what he isn't saying is the really kind act he did in that event"...or "he didn't mention how much he loves that kid he is complaining about..."


You keep the wives (the subconscious of each person) from talking with each other, all you got is a lot of locker talk, and very little sincerity and emotion.

I know a guy that is around fifty now, but can't seem to keep relationships going for long. He has been through the most amazingly beautiful women, one after the other...
One of the problems they have with him is that he is so nice, it is hard to make a good clean break. He breaks up with excuses of having leftover feelings for the one before, and they leave it at "friends" but the girls can't get over him then!

I've become friends with many of these, and they usually end up pissed off because he won't let them hate him.
He just doesn't want to have anyone hurt or bitter, but in the long run, it is worse when they can't be with him, but they can't be mad at him either.

Let them be mad, sometimes it is better than just being sad. When people are mad, they feel strong, when sad, they just feel powerless and helpless.

originally posted by: Bluesma
Online relationships, like the one you took your email break up from, don't count as real relationships to me.
I guess I am old. I've just seen that my online relationships tend to have an element of narcissism because of the lack of physical exchange.

I mean, when you are talking with someone, there is another exchange happening at the same time-
through body language, tone of voice, smells, your subconscious's are exchanging and commenting; emphasizing or de-emphasizing, confirming or invalidating, the words coming out of your mouth.

Like your conscious awareness/ego is the husband having this bragging, bluffing, exchange with the other husband... while the wives are having a quiet and sincere exchange based more on empathy than hierarchy, power, conquest.
They tell each other- "he's exaggerating on that", "he's lying, that isn't what happened", "what he isn't saying is the really kind act he did in that event"...or "he didn't mention how much he loves that kid he is complaining about..."

I had a similar realization when I was in the middle of that relationship. It led to the following thread.

Online Romantic Relationships: Doing Everything in Reverse

What I attempted to convey in that thread is similar to what you described. Your description went far beyond what I could have even contemplated. The situation with the email was my first and almost certainly my last attempt at an "Internet relationship." It was a huge wakeup call for me.

As to the rest of your post, there's a lot to think about there. I don't know about leaving people mad over leaving them sad. I suppose it's picking the lesser of two evils in a no-win situation. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I still think a graceful breakup is possible.

a reply to: Profusion


So where do you find these keepers?

a reply to: Profusion

To be fair, I think that you're focusing on the wrong part of my comment--I think that the more important point that I made was to be open with your communication and just ask her about what is going on and about your concerns.

And to be even more fair, if this is/was an online thing, I would argue that it's easy not to really know an individual in those circumstances. Plus, like I said, there may be new events going on in her life that are causing her to seem this way, and may have zero to do with you.

In any event, open communication is ALWAYS the best route to take.

originally posted by: randyvs
a reply to: Profusion


So where do you find these keepers?

There are two very different situations that I discussed. In one case, it was a real-life relationship. I knew the woman in real life, and the entire thing was based off of real life. In that case, I don't see how anyone can criticize what I've written about her in this thread. She tried to break up with me twice over the year and a half plus we were together. I was able to change her mind both times. I think that's really nothing unusual.

In the case of the Internet relationship, the exact place I found that person is irrelevant. We're all completely in the dark online when it comes to strangers. I was shocked and horrified as I found out about that person, but I still wonder how much of the story they told me was a lie. I'll never have any way of knowing. In other words, they may have been a "keeper" in real life, but they just played a game with me for whatever reason.

a reply to: SlapMonkey

We have the same view of the situation. Inductive logic can never answer any question with certainty. Asking people why they're acting a certain way is usually futile in my experience because most people aren't aware enough of their emotional makeup to know. Even if they know for sure, they lie about it a lot even to themselves. Unless we're talking about a Vulcan-type person, why even ask? Even if they are a Vulcan-type person, they still have to be willing to tell you.

Revenge Your Ex
Each day hundreds of men and women seek revenge on their ex-mates for a variety of reasons, usually because they got
dumped or where cheated on.Revenge comes in many ways. It typically starts by using social media to vent, and then
escalates from there. Now sites like "Get Revenge On Your Ex" for a fee will help you get pay back or revenge.
So what is the best way to get revenge besides slashing her tires, posting nude photos of her and so on.
The best way according to the web site Right Choices 101 is to live your life well. This is true no matter who you
are seeking revenge on. Coworkers, past bosses, bad friends or ex-lovers. Put your energy into succeeding and
enjoying your life, not wasting your time, energy and resources on revenge that can end up costing you much more.
Plus, when you seek revenge, you send them a massage that you have not gotten over the relationship. It's much
better to show you are indifferent and don't care. According to Kenneth Agee of A Foreign Affair, a service that specializes in
helping men find young beautiful foreign women, "The best revenge is to date or marry a women 10 years younger than your ex.
This will piss her off to no end. No woman ever wants to be replaced with a younger, more attractive woman. Just like a man
never likes to get replaced by a guy who is wealthier or more successful.I will never forget one of my first clients we took to
Saint Petersburg, Russia." says Agee, "The client told me that two days on our tour was better than two years of therapy.
Having hundreds of attractive women fighting over you gets your ex out of your mind pretty quick. I personally went through
break up when my ex ran off with another man. But a short time later, I met a new lady who was ten times better. I ran into
that man who stole my ex and I gave him a big thanks. In fact, I could not thank him enough. He was stuck with an older nagging
women, while I was now with a young, beautiful, caring women. Plus, my ex had gained about 100 pounds. I don't look at that
fellow as any kind of enemy but as the person who saved me from my ex and years of suffering." This is the best a revenge
when you win without lowering yourself. Other sites like "Get Over Her Now" give practical advice and tips for getting over a past relationship.
Top Tips from Get Over Her Now: Start making platonic relationships with as many women as possible, old, young, skinny, fat, cute or ugly.
This greatly helps you get back in the game of socializing with the opposite sex. And it opens up lots opportunities to meet their cute attractive friends
in a more relaxed environment. This also helps you build your game and confidence. Improve yourself, start working out, get up early every day and exercise.
Buy new clothes. Dressing better makes you feel better and improves your confidence. Focus on work and getting a promotion or raise. Don't let a break up effect
your work negatively. Put that extra effort into work and it will pay off with a better position and more money. This will also build your confidence
and help attract better quality women. Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. When you feel depressed, don't sit and watch
TV and then sleep-in late. Get out and do something that will make you feel like you've accomplished something. Take a class, go hiking, fix something you've
been putting off. Don't start drinking. Drinking will always have a negative impact on your life. Don't drink while depressed or when you are trying to get over some
one. After all, drinking is for celebrating. So if you are not celebrating something, don't drink. A quality women is not going to be attracted to
someone who drinks a lot or has a drinking problem. Don't sleep in; sleeping late increases depression. Get up as early as you
can and go for a walk, take a hike, or go to the Gym. Research shows getting up early and exercising can eliminate depression. You will have no game be
depressed. Conclusion, the best revenge is when you improve your life so well that she realizes she made a big mistake. And satisfaction comes when you meet
someone so much better, you are glad the ex is gone. After all, if you are seeking revenge, how great could she really have been in the first place!