the incomplete story of a wandering man realizing things

I would like to tell the story of a struggling yet unwavering and determined man. His family is a mixture of ethnicities, predominantly Irish, Sicilian and native american. Old money within his family does not exist, however many of his family members are self made and successful. They believe that personal responsibility combined with a strong faith in Jesus will ensure success, and that if you are to fail or become overburdened they will not offer help, instead they'll beat the drums of ," sounds like a personal problem" or even," struggle builds character". All the while these ideas and life philosophies preached ad touted as undeniable facts, were chipping away at the existential comfort that was provided to him through the sacred faith established between parent and child.


One day this man became homeless after attempting suicide, at that time he only wished to forget the pain of his past and so he left. Offered no help by his family, and struggling not to become resentful towards them, he accepted his circumstance, and ignored the ever growing feeling of discomfort and dread.

In hopes of fighting the rashes, and concrete, and the pains of hunger, alcohol became a logical choice - at least when he's drunk he can smile and laugh. The fear of addiction and its consequences is nonexistent, the silent but obvious truth is that his situation could not get any worse, with the exception of death, but even then such a fate is not entirely unwelcome, in fact the prospect of nothingness has been the source of many nights content. This may sound like he has given up, but that is not so, this is just the beginning.


He soon meets a friend they share similar ideas, though they come from completely different backgrounds, with no better option and nothing to lose they walk the city together, his new friend shows him many resources, and life seems to be getting a little better. One day the two show up at a Christian street sermon, which in all reality is a type of trade - so long as you listen to them scream and act completely insane over Jesus, while telling toothless, emaciated, homeless men and women that they should give money to God, that if their lives are bad now to be greatful, and to look forward to death and the subsequent replacement body and eternity with Jesus. If you can hang in after all that, you will get a hotdog.

At one particular sermon it became especially entertaining as the pastor was continuously interrupted by a drunken, belligerent, ne'er-do-well the pastor unexpectedly lost his Jesus serenity, and began choking out the interrupter. The man and his friend were over come with laughter but the crowd did not share in their humor. The matter was eventually resolved and a hotdog was provided and off they went.

Later that night the ideas that were preached began weighing on the mans mind, he was becoming aware that Christianity is the ultimate slave religion. That the doctrine essentially makes you subservient to the state and an open wallet to the magic men who claim to have some special understanding of Gods word. Even though the message never changes and when it boils down conversion is the ultimate goal. All of that is fine, well maybe not fine, but on its own it at least appears harmless, however once realizing that many churches are in predominantly poor areas, and shamelessly asking for tiding, it becomes something sinister as its targeting disadvantaged people while selling hope- something the man learned quickly, was to ignore and be wary of anyone who sells hope, because hope does not exist outside of oneself, but that hope is the product of past experience and the willingness to stay the course. After the long thought trail he decided that he would challenge anyone who spreads false and poisonous messages to the disadvantaged, and in a rare moment of comfort he fell asleep.

He was experiencing insanity everyday, sometimes it was humorous and other times painfully sad, he was evolving in extreme poverty soon realizing that even freewill is lie. It became very obvious that freewill is simply a primitive doctrine, and perpetuated by religion in an effort to justify wrath from God. The truth is every choice is influenced and does not occur independently of circumstance. Knowing that freewill is restricted cause him even more of a philosophical quagmire, It directly confronted his parents idea that somehow we are able to choose ourselves out of any situation, even in the face of insurmountable struggle. Sarcastically, he couldn't help but think," yea #en right mom and dad" he then playfully exclaimed in an abandoned parking lot surrounded by abandoned buildings," choose your way out of bi polar,mom!" And then addressing his father while yelling," choose your way out of having your hilti stolen! Better yet, once you become aware of your hilti being stolen, make a choice totally independent of that occurence, like spin on your head or something, oh but wait, even then your choice is directly influenced by the realization that your stuff is stolen, yes indeed there's no escape." Building yelling became somewhat regular for him, and the counseling of silence was nurturing.

On another day he began staring at the clouds and thinking about weather ( a passion that he previously loved but in homelessness the time and energy for passions disappear.) As he stared at the sky it dawned on him that nature is the only fair and moral system, that it truly does give and take away but without malice or favor. That it is a process, and in its complexity it gave rise to consciousness from inanimate matter. Its almost laughable to speak of a magic man in the sky when we have super massive black holes colliding in outer space creating gravity waves, which then leads to education. The understanding that education or the lack there of and poverty, are deeply tied together saddened him because he knew that the system in place produces societal casualties, and then aggressive tactics inherently targeting the poor and used by lenders, hope sellers, and police to milk the last drops of value from the disadvantaged. The feeling of dread finally became understood in logical terms and could not be denied, the whole system is a planned process in which those with money will often be protected and have avenues and doors available which allows for security and class mobility; and that poor people will be targeted and taken advantage of,thus rarely escaping poverty, the system just keeps going and going seemingly proving the existence of a perpetual motion machine. ( I have avoided the full descriptions of his daily struggle simply because writing it would be never ending) however after all of these realizations the man was thrown for yet another loop, he met the "secret police".

So, it turns out secret police have setup illegal gambling/drug rooms in primarily poor areas. They are frame and sting operations, in which they sell drugs, investigate, harass, and intimidate poor drug users. It appears that their motives (I know this sounds crazy) are to eradicate the homeless/undesirables from society, by either imprisonment, death, and their personal favorite insanity.

In an attempt to frame him, he was surrounded by police in a car for seven hours, they were waiting for him to take the "baît" having refused he was released, and then followed by plain clothed officers who were attempting to appear normal but they were anything but.

To be continued later this evening...

a reply to: TechniXcality

Hope the next installment is not too long in coming.

Kind regards,

bally

a reply to: TechniXcality

Thanks. Will wait to see if the young man is like a young Eckhart Tolle, or a budding Buddha of sorts.

a reply to: TechniXcality

so you are talking about yourself then

a reply to: TechniXcality

It is obvious that you are intelligent and have a talent for writing. Your goal--beyond the bottle--could be to simply make life better for yourself. Troubling yourself about religion/life/philosophy should not take up too much of your thoughts at this stage. And it seems that you are at a critical stage.

I have a son almost 50 years old that loves being the out-cast, the Black Sheep of the family and to the major society. So he lives at the edge, skimming into normal society long enough to provide that beer/joint and a free existence in his own terms. "No body is going to tell me what to do," he told me recently. "Fine," I said., "You got me again for a decent used vehicle to drive, fines paid and a place to stay, but you can't live here in the way you want to live." So he left.

There was no "Do I stay or do I go" song playing in his head. He thinks he knows what he wants and is not likely to change. His favorite refrain is to blame everybody and everything but himself.

What about you? You don't seem too satisfied with your current lot. What can you do about it without wanting to blame family or social institutions?

originally posted by: Aliensun
He thinks he knows what he wants and is not likely to change. His favorite refrain is to blame everybody and everything but himself.

I've seen this in my own kids. They know, for a fact, they're on their own. Bad mistake on their part. I call it, "Broken Trust" and they'll never sleep under my roof again. I'm hoping the OP is a better man.

Hope you're ok, Tech!

When did all this stuff happen?

Looking forward to reading the rest.

Thanks for sharing, can't wait to hear the rest.

a reply to: TechniXcality
You are a fantastic writer. I am glad you decided to write this down. I can't wait to read more. It reminds me of the style of Thoreau.

a reply to: Aliensun

I would like to take sometime to address this post, also if you would grace me with the understanding that my opening post is not nearly complete and I will work on that over this next week. I would like it to be understood that this is not an attempt to differ responsibility from my self or to gain sympathy. This is however a serious indictment of our society and the control mechanisms in place that inevitably produce societal casualties.

I am able bodied and for the most part sound minded which means I am more advantaged than many or perhaps even most of the homeless and poverty stricken population. So the people who literally cannot help themselves, who without hyperbole have no shoes on their feet while walking through glass, or those who suffer grave mental disorders are being targeted and taken advantage of by a system that claims a moral high ground, this ultimately the direction I am going. With all that said I'm sorry to hear about the relationship you and your son have, clearly there is pain and guilt there I hope it resolves, in the same way I hope I can avoid resentment towards my family.

Thank you for your response and if you give me a little while I will hopefully write a compelling evaluation as well as a personal story.

I have told you to get off of the street. To stop trying to help other homeless people. You are only getting dragged in deeper. One day you won't be able to continue this thread.

The writing is fantastic, but I can't abide your wandering in self destruction. I am scared of the day you stop skyping. Sometimes I don't answer because it is too hard.

If anyone has offered help, please take it.

a reply to: reldra

I'll be alright, I promise

originally posted by: TechniXcality
a reply to: reldra

I'll be alright, I promise

You better promise

Mindy this ones for you... I'm giving a kidney away two weeks from now to a homeless man in kidney failure, hopefully that makes up for some of this bull#.

a reply to: TechniXcality

are you ever gonna continue this story?

sept 12: ...my opening post is not nearly complete and I will work on that over this next week....

I guess the Secret Agent Man had to leave, hope you're doing ok guy.

Dude Wtf...where are you. Wherever you are I know you have internet access.

a reply to: JonnyB16

Johnathan haha its you man, im in plano i left once that # got to stiff over there. Im in a hotel its good to hear from you, email me or give me a number i can call you on. I didn't realize it was you i should of when you said "secret agent man" if these guys only knew lol.