Stuck in limbo between life and death

I just wanted to check in to see how you are doing today... I hope you managed to get some sleep last night. You are on my mind and in my prayers.

How are you?

Hey all just wanted to stop in real quick and ensure you all I'm still here, alive and well. Won't really be on til later though.

Thanks all!

A word about suicide. Although I'm a firm believer that if someone is in enough pain (especially unremitting, unresolvable physical pain) that they have a right to check out, (it's the ultimate form of self realization, is it not?) it's also a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

The longer you live, the more you realize, 'the difference one day, one hour, one minute can make'.

Get enough sunlight (cloudy, rainy, snowy climates can be very depressing to some people and if you've never lived anywhere different, you wouldn't know that); also low Vitamin D can cause depression and various aches and pains. Your idiot doctor will never test for it, but for not much you can supplement with high potency D3 and up your levels over time.

Go for a walk first thing every day.

Get away from the 'glowy doom box' - speaking of which, time to water the plants!

Puppy, I see you have received some wise and beautiful advice and sentiments in here. I hope that you are able to get the help you need to see your way through this. Please know that I will be keeping an eye on this thread and your posts. Wishing you the courage and strength to face whatever comes your way. Take one day at a time and know that your ATS family loves you.

a reply to: Puppylove

You remind me of me. Or who I used to be.

I was stuck. Not knowing which direction to go. I felt broken as well.

Then I realized that though my life may not be perfect, and by all accounts FUBAR, it's the only one I'm gonna get.

Find something that makes you happy and do it. Or find something that will allow you to be happy in the future and do that.

You are the main character in your life's story. So live up to it.

Your post shows your knack for introspection. And that is an ability a lot of people lack.

a reply to: Puppylove

Yes pets can be the absolute BEST for many ailments... especially depression. When my son died last year my cat, Sweety, who was never a "lap" cat, began to sit and stare at me as though doing an assessment. He then started getting up right beside me, laying down and purring much more loudly then usual. He'd steal glances at me, half close his eyes and remain by me for long periods of time. He never talked to me, just sat, observed and purred. Just this act of care and kindness from a supposedly "dumb" animal did so much to calm my feelings of the devastation I was in. So, by all means see which one of the kitties seem to connect with you and encourage a bonding. Truly, it can be of tremendous help. Medication can help, but it can take so many trials before the right one is found...and even then they can come at a big price...for me it was a 50 pound weight gain! I had to quit the meds for a number of reasons and so away went the weight.

Have you applied for Medicaid? If not you should immediately. At least that way you can get your medical and mental/emotional needs helped, if not met entirely. They can point you in many helpful directions.

You sound so much like me with how you're feeling. Depression is a horrible, devastatingly strong enemy to fight. I've been in that battle for much of my life, but I know it CAN get better. I know there are people you can talk to for free that can help in many ways , even give you a referral to professional counseling. You can ask about "sliding scale" fees... charges based on income. Even though you're not employed right now the Medicaid can get you through...it was a godsend for my youngest son. I don't know if your state offers SCI (State Covered Ins.), but look into that as well because it is totally free in your case.

You made a positively HUGE step by putting everything you're feeling and are faced with here online. The time, organization and how well written it is points to your obvious skills and intelligence. Just that alone I see as your start on a healing journey. Please keep going on that journey. It may be a hard one in many ways, but as someone else said, just LITTLE steps, LITTLE accomplishments like you've just done is a tremendous thing...so, please view it as that...a thing well done and accomplished. Take pride and confidence in that.

It would seem that the depression runs in your family since you mentioned there have been several suicides among them. It sounds very much like an inherited thing. Just know that it's not your fault for having these feelings, but that it CAN be overcome with the help you realize you need and moreover seem to truly WANT. You obviously love your family and don't want to hurt them by causing your own demise, another GOOD sign. And you're cared about by total strangers here who are all on your side and offering up so much to you. Accept all this care that many in "our" situation don't have because they didn't or couldn't reach out. Take it and run with it! Listen to all these GOOD people, they're reaching back to you as well.

Take care Puppy...and keep us in the proverbial loop.

Rubi3

Alright everyone, now for today's failures and accomplishments, sort of.

I still haven't gotten up the courage to talk to anyone. BUT I did find a prospective job as a Home Health Aide to look into. Looks like it might have potential if I can get it. One issue though, my car insurance is a couple weeks late on payments. Will need to borrow money from my roommate so I can get myself legal again. Something necessary to get the job. Still it's something I'm kind of excited about making work. I helped my mom volunteer a couple times at a VA hospital and enjoyed that because I could tell the vets appreciated it. I hope I can get the job, I think having a job I can feel proud of, that makes a difference to real people might help a lot.

On the 5 htp, I found it, but wouldn't you know it, I was 1 dollar short from having enough to afford it. Was roughly 9 bucks, I have like 8 and that's after change scrounging. But that's ok, I don't need much more so hopefully will be trying it soon. Looks like if it works will cost me about 18 bucks a month. Two bottles at 9 bucks a piece for 30 days worth.

So while I haven't technically accomplished anything, I have set up the ground work for at least beginning to do so. I'm satisfied with that for today. Even that little bit is more than I've done to improve my situation for months, so it's a start. At least that's what I'm telling myself. If I can get that job, I'm really looking forward to it. Helping people that need it, I think I can live with that. It might not be much, but I'll be making the world a better place in my own small way.

Course then again I might not get it, and be right back to square one. But there are other similar positions somewhat close I can maybe look into, so this one job isn't the end of the world. Don't want to put too many hopes on it.

I want to thank everyone else for their well wishes that missed me last night.

This is what I've done for today.

Oh and I slept just fine last night, thanks all!

a reply to: Puppylove

But you DID accomplish a lot!
You really did and I hope you are able to feel proud of that.

When the home health aide would come to the house to visit my Mom (only a few days a week) she would be so excited to be able to talk to someone new. She had me and the kiddos but someone new excited her.

It's sad but so many elderly/homebound/ill individuals have no one checking up on them. You may be the joy in someone's life and in turn that may bring a new joy to yours.


I can't wait to hear the rest of your story as time goes on.

a reply to: TNMockingbird

That makes me want the job even more!!!

I've never had issues getting along with older people. I've never understood why a lot of people seem to avoid old people like the plague. Most older people I've known have been great.

When I grew up we had an older neighbor I used to visit often and talk to all the time.

Years and years later I was back in my home state for a visit, and took the time to go visit her. We had a great talk. I found out she died later that year. Her family tracked me down to let me know and tell me that my visit met a lot to her and she was so excited when she told them about it. Alice was a sweet old lady and is missed. I'm just glad I could bring her that moment of joy in her last year of life.

At family reunions rather than spend time with all the other kids I tended to spend time with the older people. Played bocce ball with them, it was always a blast. The cheek pinching was annoying, but otherwise was great, and only one did that anyway.

a reply to: Puppylove

Home health aide jobs are generally in big demand and aren't that difficult to qualify for. I worked for one doing the scheduling for the aides visits, and the women who worked there were absolutely wonderful, truly caring and always made a difference to their patients.

The company will train you and really pretty much all you need is personality and a dedicated caring attitude...which you seem to possess in abundance! I sure hope you get that job. I think you'll be a great asset to the company and a hugely appreciated and welcomed addition to the lives of the people you will attend to. The self satisfaction you get from that job will be such a great boost to for you!

GOOD LUCK! 🙌 🌟

You might consider putting your application in at all the home health companies in your area just to cover all the bases.

a reply to: Puppylove

Wishing you the best of luck in your job search! You would be making such a big difference in people's lives, something that you would gain great satisfaction out of. Keep us posted Honey!

I know I'm late to your thread, but wanted to say 2 things:

1) There's something seriously wrong with SOCIETY today, not with you. I've worked in corporate America for a while, and have seen my share of authentic, honest, hard-working people either leave on their own because it was grinding the humanity out of them, or stay and wind up strung out, exhausted and panicked. You are not alone. Not by a long shot.

2) Don't ever, ever feel guilty about not being this or that. Be you. All the time. Be what you need to be for you, and only you. Society needs more authentic human people. Just keep going until you find your niche. Its out there. Probably a lot closer than you think


Cheering you on!!!

hey Puppy how ya doin'?
The home health aide position sounds like a wonderful match for you! I used to work in office for a company that provided health aides. If you are compassionate and caring, and already are familiar working with seniors, they would love to have you I'm sure! Let us know how it goes if you reach out to them.
I don't have much $ either but if it's allowed I will send you a (new, unopened! ) bottle of 5HTP.

Alright people, update time. I've been sick the past week, turns out we've got a mold problem on top of a few other things. Up to and including suffering from a bit of an infection. Have had severe headaches and trouble keeping food down. Headaches are gone, but food is still an issue.

So there's the bad. I'm still getting over all that. But now onto the good news.

I won't say who, because I respect their privacy, but a member here has gone far above and beyond to help me out of this dark pit of despair. Thanks to them I'm now up to date on my car insurance payments and soon to be a legal driver again once my insurance is reinstated, not only that but I'll be a bit ahead. As of today it is my second day of trying out 5-HTP, so I can't really say how effective is or is not being but when I bought it, it was buy one get one free, so hopefully this is the good stuff you all say cause I ended up with four months worth for the cost of a single bottle. Glad I didn't buy from the first place. Would have had 1 months worth for a greater cost.

Now the job situation. Having relooked today I found the same job, but the office is literally right around the corner. A three minute walk, and they are hiring and do walk in interviews, so I'm confident I can get the job, only thing I need do now is wait on that reinstatement to be official, and get healthy enough to stop throwing up everywhere.

Physically I may feel miserable, but thanks to everyone here, the patience of my understanding roommate and that one special member who's reached out to help a drowning woman get a brief respite, I have now for the first time in a long time hope. I may be physically a disaster, but emotionally I am content.

I love you all so much,
Puppy Love

Will keep you updated on the job situation, cross your fingers!!!

a reply to: Puppylove


What wonderful news! I am so happy to hear this Puppy!

Great news Puppy!! Feel better soon!

What is the one thing that you've felt you've always lacked from other people? Something you always seemed to want or need from them, but it always seemed to fall short from a very young age all the way up to now?

After looking very closely at those two questions... look to see what you have always given to other people freely without question.


I don't want to spoil it but it's true for everyone what you have always needed and lacked if honestly looked at is exactly what you have always given other people. You are a master of it, try giving some of that to yourself... and your purpose here will be uncovered because you are no different than that.

Once you start giving yourself your purpose having uncovered it? You'll become whole and it only gets better from there utilize that hidden talent and spread it, as it is boundless once you become whole. it is the very wellspring that gives you your life that no one would ever hand you want to know why? You were already so full of it they never thought you needed it.

Keep looking and you'll see that some people did but very few and the reason why it will seem like others may not have, is because oneself is one of the most difficult things to see... but other people show you that mirror and blind to that is what you are and what you give so very much of which is your true self? You never even recognized it.

Crappy update of doom. I'm still seemingly ill, which is getting frustrating. That said symptoms have improved some. I have an amazing understanding roommate though who's helping me get through all this with selfless understanding. I'm glad I finally told him everything. I still feel bad for falling short. I don't deserve a supportive friend like this. I'm not sure what I give back that's worth them sticking by me like this.

Also, it's odd I think the 5-HTP has made me a bit more aggressive in my posting, either that or it's the frustration of wanting to move forward but being disabled by sickness. Either way I feel like I'm more grrrrrrr and less mellow. At the same time though I also feel kinda more grrr about the things that upset me and less, the world is so horrible why can't I just die. So I want to acrtually get out and help. Which I guess goes back to the illness frustration.

I'm in a cycle of grrrr, but in a way it's a welcome respite from a cycle of overwhelming despair. So actually not so crappy so much as frustrating. Spent all of today bedridden. I know odd for saying I'm getting better since haven't been bedridden, but I'm not throwing up, my sores are healing, I haven't had a headache in days. I'm just.... feeling icky. Which while debilitating is different from the kind I was feeling.

So I think I'm on the mend. Fingers crossed.

a reply to: Puppylove

That's the spirit when you get sick and tired of being tired that sickness will become tired and you'll walk right out of it because it cannot keep up... you know this but have just been struggling against the shell like a baby bird slowly grinding away against what has been holding you back with the egg tooth ready to burst forth dry out those tears instead of drown in them and fly free.

Take heart you can do it.