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A World Unconcealed
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The young girl stood by the arched window, a gentle breeze rustling through the long tresses of her auburn hair, her eyes closed as she allowed the
sun’s light to shine upon her uplifted face while she attempted to reflect upon the events that recently had occurred.
She leant against the window’s edge, an unwelcome tear falling upon her cheek, a hundred thoughts flying throughout the intricate pathways of her mind, and yet none seemed to stay long enough for her to focus upon. A despair she had thought she would never know flittered about here and there, thrumming through her veins and quickening her heart as she struggled to swim through the swift flow of her thoughts.
It was no use. She opened her glistening eyes and stared out across the realm, the once vibrant land now stood covered in an unnatural darkness, a thick mist shrouded all that she had once known, and with a resentful squint of her eyes, her keen vision allowed her sight to travel far towards the distant horizon, where upon an impossibly tall mountain stood His ivory tower.
She would not speak His name; she dare not! For the man was a powerful sorcerer, at his bidding were spells of illusion the like of which the land had never before seen, and only few were strong enough to resist the magical deception that he used to wrest control of the kingdom. The great Protectors of the land had failed, they had been unwilling to fight the mind controlled denizens and instead chose to depart in anguish, and some in anger. Not long after the days of the Protector’s departure a small resistance had formed, and she had been a part of it… but the sorcerer’s power grew stronger, the illusions became reality, and now she stood alone.
The people who had fallen under His spell seemed happy, but she doubted that they knew any better and instead she believed that they had been forced to forget the traditions of the Ancients; the people they had venerated and the customs they had cherished for millennia until but a few months past.
This day was one of her more depressing days… she wondered if perhaps she should forget everything she had ever known, and fall into the falsities that the masses now believed in. She would have family once more, friendship, she would be alone no longer… but was it worth it? Would it not be better to fight? A single woman against the Man in the ivory tower? It seemed ridiculous… and yet… a small hope began to form within.
The rays of the sun beat down upon her face, the breeze grew stronger and her hair flew behind her in a makeshift train. The traces of tears disappeared from her eyes and for the first time in what seemed weeks, a small smile begin to form upon her face, an aura of unfamiliar happiness blazing around her as she stared at the distant tower.
No, she would not fall into the misguided beliefs of they who had once been her kin. She would march upon that ivory tower, a lone heretic, she would face His illusions, and though the people would never know of her great battle, she would have died for what she believed in; a world unconcealed.
She leant against the window’s edge, an unwelcome tear falling upon her cheek, a hundred thoughts flying throughout the intricate pathways of her mind, and yet none seemed to stay long enough for her to focus upon. A despair she had thought she would never know flittered about here and there, thrumming through her veins and quickening her heart as she struggled to swim through the swift flow of her thoughts.
It was no use. She opened her glistening eyes and stared out across the realm, the once vibrant land now stood covered in an unnatural darkness, a thick mist shrouded all that she had once known, and with a resentful squint of her eyes, her keen vision allowed her sight to travel far towards the distant horizon, where upon an impossibly tall mountain stood His ivory tower.
She would not speak His name; she dare not! For the man was a powerful sorcerer, at his bidding were spells of illusion the like of which the land had never before seen, and only few were strong enough to resist the magical deception that he used to wrest control of the kingdom. The great Protectors of the land had failed, they had been unwilling to fight the mind controlled denizens and instead chose to depart in anguish, and some in anger. Not long after the days of the Protector’s departure a small resistance had formed, and she had been a part of it… but the sorcerer’s power grew stronger, the illusions became reality, and now she stood alone.
The people who had fallen under His spell seemed happy, but she doubted that they knew any better and instead she believed that they had been forced to forget the traditions of the Ancients; the people they had venerated and the customs they had cherished for millennia until but a few months past.
This day was one of her more depressing days… she wondered if perhaps she should forget everything she had ever known, and fall into the falsities that the masses now believed in. She would have family once more, friendship, she would be alone no longer… but was it worth it? Would it not be better to fight? A single woman against the Man in the ivory tower? It seemed ridiculous… and yet… a small hope began to form within.
The rays of the sun beat down upon her face, the breeze grew stronger and her hair flew behind her in a makeshift train. The traces of tears disappeared from her eyes and for the first time in what seemed weeks, a small smile begin to form upon her face, an aura of unfamiliar happiness blazing around her as she stared at the distant tower.
No, she would not fall into the misguided beliefs of they who had once been her kin. She would march upon that ivory tower, a lone heretic, she would face His illusions, and though the people would never know of her great battle, she would have died for what she believed in; a world unconcealed.
edit on 29 6 2016 by kaelci because: (no reason given)
a reply to: kaelci
I like your writing. I think this could be expanded into a longer piece. It's a timeless theme: the underdog faces impossible odds against a seemingly invincible foe in a world gone terribly wrong.
If I may be so bold: the story starts with sunshine beating down on the young girl's face, but in paragraph three there's a thick mist covering everything she'd once known. It might be neat to lead with sunshine barely and intermittently breaking through the thick mist in paragraph one. It's a very "textbook" move, but doing so would allow the protagonist's conflict and the weather to develop parallel to each other. By the end of the scene, she has decided to face the enemy (rather than live out a shamed, assimilated existence). This would be a great time to let the sunshine burn through the mist.
Take it with a grain of salt.
I like your writing. I think this could be expanded into a longer piece. It's a timeless theme: the underdog faces impossible odds against a seemingly invincible foe in a world gone terribly wrong.
If I may be so bold: the story starts with sunshine beating down on the young girl's face, but in paragraph three there's a thick mist covering everything she'd once known. It might be neat to lead with sunshine barely and intermittently breaking through the thick mist in paragraph one. It's a very "textbook" move, but doing so would allow the protagonist's conflict and the weather to develop parallel to each other. By the end of the scene, she has decided to face the enemy (rather than live out a shamed, assimilated existence). This would be a great time to let the sunshine burn through the mist.
Take it with a grain of salt.
a reply to: MiddleInitial
I agree her writing could be expanded. I wanted more story. She knows how to get people!
I agree her writing could be expanded. I wanted more story. She knows how to get people!
a reply to: MiddleInitial
No, no. I value all critique and ideas! Thank you for taking the time to make a suggestion.
I'm undertaking the grand quest in hoping to one day be a published writer, and I'm happy to read all critique and criticism.
This particular little story was just a quick thing to fill my time with, I have a little mind blank with the story I wish to write, so just wrote this to keep my brain moving.
No, no. I value all critique and ideas! Thank you for taking the time to make a suggestion.
I'm undertaking the grand quest in hoping to one day be a published writer, and I'm happy to read all critique and criticism.
This particular little story was just a quick thing to fill my time with, I have a little mind blank with the story I wish to write, so just wrote this to keep my brain moving.
a reply to: MiddleInitial
You seen like a writer. You should write your own story. I bet it will be good! I can't wait!
You seen like a writer. You should write your own story. I bet it will be good! I can't wait!
a reply to: kaelci
That's excellent! I'm a writer of a sort as well, so I definitely understand that sometimes writing something (or anything) is just what I need. Like a shark, you either keep moving, or die.
I look forward to reading more. Godspeed to you in your quest.
That's excellent! I'm a writer of a sort as well, so I definitely understand that sometimes writing something (or anything) is just what I need. Like a shark, you either keep moving, or die.
I look forward to reading more. Godspeed to you in your quest.
a reply to: tikbalang
She would rather not be another pawn in His game. She knows that if she were to shun her beliefs and fall into delusion, the Man in the ivory tower wins. The hatred that she feels for this man, for his corrupting influence upon the realm and the minds of they who had once been her friends, will not allow her to simply forget that which beats within.
She must face him. It may be a losing battle, or perhaps it may be a fairytale ending; she does not know. But she would rather die for what she believes in rather than be another faceless serf ruled by illusion.
She would rather not be another pawn in His game. She knows that if she were to shun her beliefs and fall into delusion, the Man in the ivory tower wins. The hatred that she feels for this man, for his corrupting influence upon the realm and the minds of they who had once been her friends, will not allow her to simply forget that which beats within.
She must face him. It may be a losing battle, or perhaps it may be a fairytale ending; she does not know. But she would rather die for what she believes in rather than be another faceless serf ruled by illusion.
a reply to: 5leepingWarrior
Yep, just a quick thing! An hour's work while my son was having a nap.
I'm hoping to have my proper story completed in a year or so! Have only been actively working on it for the 12 months or so, though it's been in my thoughts and mind for mucccchhhhhhhh longer, almost 20 years now.. about time it leaves the recesses of my mind and finds its way onto some paper.
I'd like to finish it by end of next year, and then send it in for an appraisal and edit, and then fingers crossed with snagging a publisher so I don't have to worry about self-publishing. And then you shall read it! And everyone shall read it! And I'll be in my glory happy that people are finally reading my long awaited work!
Wheeeee!
(long reply is unnecessarily long, sorry )
Yep, just a quick thing! An hour's work while my son was having a nap.
I'm hoping to have my proper story completed in a year or so! Have only been actively working on it for the 12 months or so, though it's been in my thoughts and mind for mucccchhhhhhhh longer, almost 20 years now.. about time it leaves the recesses of my mind and finds its way onto some paper.
I'd like to finish it by end of next year, and then send it in for an appraisal and edit, and then fingers crossed with snagging a publisher so I don't have to worry about self-publishing. And then you shall read it! And everyone shall read it! And I'll be in my glory happy that people are finally reading my long awaited work!
Wheeeee!
(long reply is unnecessarily long, sorry )
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