Aging parents: Your adult kids aren't total ingrates like you think they are

a reply to: Night Star
My mother is still with me and I start each day, and end each day, thanking God that I was blessed with the gift, of having her with me one more day. I know that one day she will not be.

I am grateful for all that she has sacrificed for me, my siblings, and so many others. The meager things I do for her, will never repay her for all she has done. When she was sick, I feed her, I bathed her. I emptied her drains, and changed her dressings. When she would complain about being a burden, I used to ask her if she felt that way when she bathed me, fed me, and changed my diapers. That would stop the complaints for a short while.

I consider myself blessed, because I know that not all families have the same dynamics.

You were strong and you provided care at a time that was needed, for the person that gave you life, and cared for you. You have no regrets, and you should take pride in knowing that you stepped up to the plate, and did what your mom needed to be done, because you loved her.

If you have children, they will remember your compassion, and your actions, and hopefully will treat you with the same loving care, when your time comes, and theirs in kind. You could call it a legacy of love.

a reply to: Night Star

That is a heart warming story, I keep tabs on my dad. It has been 2 years since mom died, and he is still very independent and wants to keep it that way. I am starting to work on him about getting into a smaller home he doesn't seem too interested. We will see.

a reply to: seasonal
Seasonal, have an old fashion sit down heart to heart with him. Find out what his fears are. Find out how he sees his decline playing out. Have him talk you through a few, what ifs. Have a lawyer or an accountant go over the best way to handle his estate. There are some legal creative ways to stretch his retirement dollars, in conjunction with state and local resources. Like you said, there is a whole industry out there that addresses these issues. You just want to make sure they are working for you, not hustling you.

I usually see two types of people. The slow decline, that starts off with something small, that progresses toward a total decline over months, or even years. The other is very problematic, the one that crashes and burns. They are perfectly fine one minute, and the next minute their whole world is turned upside down. I wish I had ten bucks for every time I sat holding the hand of a tearful, perplexed spouse, asking "What happened"? "Yesterday everything was fine, we even went out to dinner." "I went to bed with my spouse of fifty years and woke up in bed with a stranger."

That is just how fast a total decline can take place. No one is prepared. No one saw it coming, and the blame game starts, because most people need an explanation that makes sense to them, so someone has to be at fault.

That is why I stress so strongly, slaying the issue, that shall not been named. Get it done and over with, well in advance of the storm. Like I said before, if we live long enough, we will all be a position were someone will have to wash our bottoms, and change our diapers, again.

Being prideful only hurts everyone, especially the ones that love you and want to help. Ego and being prideful, regarding something that is as natural as breathing, can destroy a family, at a time when it is important for a family to be together and strong.

No one wants to deal with death and dying, but it is a place we all have to visit. It is never easy, but you can make it easier.

a reply to: seasonal
I apologize for my aggressiveness in your thread. You triggered a visceral response in me. I just left a job as a Triage nurse with Hospice, before that I was a hospital Case Manager. For the last eleven years I have worked with families that were blindsided by the functional decline of a loved one. It can bring out the best in us, and it can bring out the worse.

It was not my intent to derail or take over your thread.

I am sorry if I drifted from the intent of your thread.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

I don't see your post as aggressive, you are and have been on the front line. I always ask questions and gather info before making big decisions.

Both my dad and I were in awe of the hospice nurse that helped care of my mom til the end. She knew so much and was so helpful. Hats off to people who have your talents.

I'm pretty sure that at some point, my mother will eventually come to live with us, much as my wife would hate it. Even with the kids here, we still have a spare room. If one moves out (both want to at some point, but neither will actually DO anything about it), then we'd have even more room.

Financially, wouldn't be too bad. I'm sure her social security would be her rent and groceries, etc.