Aging parents: Your adult kids aren't total ingrates like you think they are

How do we care for our parents when they get older and their health starts to fail? Of course they don't have to be that old.

Text-Caregiving: While 72% of parents expect one of their kids to assume long-term caregiver responsibilities in retirement if needed, 40% of children didn’t know of this expectation. (One surprising trend from the report: A growing number of millennials are providing caregiving support for a parent.)

finance.yahoo.com... ids--more-willing-to-help-aging-parents-than-they-think-160321287.html

Do you want/can your parents to move in with you, can you move in with them?

As we all know there is an entire industry devoted to "caring" for the elderly and sick. So is assisted living the way to go? My experience with assisted living isn't always positive. And it is expensive!

How do you want to be taken care of?

Well, once past the point of existing in a pain free, mentally clear manner, I'd like to get on Carousel a la Logan's Run and burn out in floating glory.

Expecting anyone to wipe butts and listen to the ramblings of a disordered mind is cruel... assisted suicide over assisted living, for me... besides, I never spawned ...so there's that.

But good on the young'uns for stepping up ... having cared for elderly relatives, I know it is not easy in many cases.

a reply to: seasonal

not even a question. My dad died in 2000, and since mom has gone through cancer, chemo, remission, and being bedridden from ruptured disks. She wasn't taking care of herself, and rather than me come by daily to feed her and carry out trash, I just decided we'd move in and take care of her.

Second order of business was to put in a nice backyard garden for her to sit by in the early mornings.

Its been very enriching for all of us.

a reply to: bigfatfurrytexan


I know she appreciates the caring that you have shown her.

My mom passed of cancer 2 years ago, and I assisted in her last horrible months of life until hospice let her slip into the next big thing. Although she had dad to help out, I'm glad I could talk to her and help in the final phase. It was hell for dad.

I would let dad move in with us, we have room, but I don't think he would ever allow us to take care of him like that.

a reply to: seasonal

Do you want/can your parents to move in with you, can you move in with them? As we all know there is an entire industry devoted to "caring" for the elderly and sick. So is assisted living the way to go? My experience with assisted living isn't always positive. And it is expensive! How do you want to be taken care of?

I have worked in the patient care industry for over 40 years. This is a question that most people don't address when there are clear minds, and no immediate need, yet that is exactly the time that these decisions should be discussed and made.

When I was a child there was no other options. You either lived with your aging and frail family members, or they moved in with you. Extended families are what created places like Williamsburg, Jacksonville, and Walton's Landing.

My maternal grandfather, and my paternal grandmother, lived with us, when I was growing up. We all lived in a one bathroom house, that had eight children, at the time. They helped take care of us, and we learned a lot from them. We were taught that family takes care of family. When my mother started having health issues, I moved her in with me, and nursed her back to health. Now we take care of each other.

She makes the circuit every year visiting with each of her 9 children, so she can spend quality time with her 20 grandchildren, and 12 great grand children. She says she wants to make good memories, so they will their childhood fondly. My siblings fight to keep her, but she prefers the woods, so she stays with me.

That is why it is so puzzling to me, why there are so many homeless elderly. Many of these people have children, grandchildren, siblings, nieces ,and or nephews, but they often will tell you quick fast and in a hurry,"I have my own life and family, I can't be responsible."

What I find even more puzzling, is that I hear from children that complain about how horrible their mother or father was to them as children, but they are still willing to take them in, or help them. While many children that were well attended to and downright spoiled, are not always so likely to step up to the plate. I guess the reason for this backwardness speaks for itself.

Anyway, if any of us live long enough, we are going to need help, and we had better plan for it. Many people make the mistake of thinking that Medicare is going to pick up the tab. That is a serious mistake. Medicare is an insurance. They don't pay for any custodial care, even if you are with hospice. They don't cover any services that you need if you are well. That includes housing, rent, food, toileting, bathing; or any activities of daily living; unless your are receiving skilled nursing care, and then it is only an auxiliary service.

Some people pay years into expensive Long Term Care Insurance policies, without reading the fine print, only to realize that they don't qualify for the services they thought they were paying for. Some Long Term Care Facilities will provide basic services, if the elderly person is willing to relinquish their Social Security Insurance payment, but they usually only provide a bed and three meals for the SSI payment.

I cannot stress how important it is for people to sit down with their family. Make out a Living Will, designate a Power of Attorney, and a Healthcare Surrogate. Arrange your funeral plans. The time to do this is while you are in good health, of sound mind, and are positive that you will never need it.

The time to do this is not when people are grieving or mourning. When people are grieving or morning is the time that they need to be close together, not trying to make decision that will rip them apart.

If you love your family. If you want your family to remain intact after you are gone. Protect them. Make your plans now, before someone else is making plans for you that are in their best interest, not yours.

a reply to: seasonal

i know she does, too.

Im no mommas boy in the common sense. but i am absolutely my mothers son.

no one on this earth has earned my loyalty like her (although my wife is right up there)

a reply to: seasonal

I'm not exactly sure what to make of this article....

Fidelity interviewed 1,273 parents age 55 and over (who had investable assets of at least $100,000 and a child older than 25) and 221 adult children older than 25 with money in an IRA, 401(k) or another investment account; the adult kids 30 and older needed to have at least $10,000 saved.

I assure you I'm not trying to be a troll but this seems like a specifically odd survey group. I won't beat that point to death unless you want to discuss.

As for (what I think is) the point of your thread as it pertains to me personally....

Who is going to take care of my parents when the end is near...? Quick background....

I have a brother that is sort of a nurse. That is to say he has the degree and passed the exams and is employed by a hospital but he has a slight case of the aspergers (although never formally diagnosed) so he doesn't deal with patients beyond providing them with scheduled medications and filling out paperwork. (I would like to point out though that he is an absolute "mama's boy." He calls his mommy a dozen times a day to talk about what, I have no idea.

I have a sister that is a legit nurse and is back in school again to add whatever other initials after her name.

For the entirety of my adult life, even though I was the first of my siblings to go out on my own (even though I was not the youngest) I have ALWAYS been the one to take care of my parents. When they are sick and SHOULD go to the doctor and they refuse, I literally have to threaten them with dialing 911 to get them to go. (For my mother, there was a time a few years ago when, if I hadn't followed through on that threat and actually called the ambulance, she would no longer be with us).

Beyond the medical type stuff.... I'm the ONLY one that goes to shovel their snow. I'm the ONLY one to mow their lawn. I'm the ONLY one to make some basic repairs to their house and to make sure contractors don't pull anything when it is work that is outside of my comfort zone.

I'm also the ONLY one that hosts Mothers Day or Fathers Day or 4th of July BBQ's. No, I am not being a martyr here. As a matter of fact, if I don't do these things, they don't happen. I don't do it for my siblings.. I do it for my parents (as ungrateful as they are).

I said all that to say this, I told my brother and sister years ago and have consistently maintained that MY work, at some point, will be done. I've carried my parents and this entire family for FOREVER. When it comes time for mom or dad to have the need to move in with someone for that additional amount of care and/or babysitting.... it's on the nurses of the family. I haven't met much resistance yet but I also suspect that's because, at this point in time, it's purely a hypothetical.

Footnote: Of course if/when my siblings bail, my folks will move in with me and I will be pissed about it. (Yeah, there is some 'family history' stuff behind that statement but I've rambled enough... for now).

a reply to: seasonal

I would let dad move in with us, we have room, but I don't think he would ever allow us to take care of him like that.

That is why you have to talk to him now while there is no need. Once there is a need, he will either be mentally unable to make those decisions, or he will feel he is being bullied. If he is of sound mind, he will feel like a burden.

Assisted Living Facilities are not cheap, and you don't always get what you pay for. If you hire private help it is going to cost you, even at the bare minimum over $8000.00 a month, and that is just in wages for the non-skilled help. You are still going to have to pay rent, mortgage, food, utilities, etc.

Many children out here in the country have built small homes on their property, to house their aging parents that are still independent. Instead of paying all that money to a facility that may or not take care of your parents, a small home in the back yard works well for some. It meets almost everyone's needs, and it is a lot cheaper.

I always tell patient's that they are being a much greater burden to their family, when they refuse the help that they need. When you are no longer able to care for yourself without help, pride is a huge burden that has to be dropped or put aside.

Yeah, they come over and move stuff so it will be more convenient. It was there for thirty years, and they moved it. You can't find it because it isn't where it's been for decades.

Kids and their better idea. At least the grandkids leave it out so you can find it, wish they would at least rinse the dishes instead of letting mold grow in them.

a reply to: eluryh22

Footnote: Of course if/when my siblings bail, my folks will move in with me and I will be pissed about it. (Yeah, there is some 'family history' stuff behind that statement but I've rambled enough... for now).

Take this from someone that has been the fly on the wall in the homes of more families than you can count. You are not alone. In almost every family there is the "One" child that steps up to the plate, and does what has to be done. All of the others talk a good game, and are always "going to".

It sounds like you already know how this is going to play out. No matter what they say now, prepare for having to go it alone. I would suggest first off, that you get a handle on the finances. In the State were I live, no transfer of property or fiances will be allowed, for your parents to get any kind of States resources or services, unless there has been over five years since the transfer. Have your parents fill out a Living Will. A Living Will simply lets the medical staff know how much medical intervention they want, or don't want. You can get one of the nurses in your family, or both, to be the healthcare surrogate. It sounds like you may want to be the Power of Attorney, as it is likely that the decisions are going to fall in your lap anyway, so you don't want to be the one doing the work, while someone else holds the purse strings. That would make things awkward, and difficult.

I would stress that a family meeting be arranged, sooner than later. Get the subject that no one wants to talk about, over and done with. It will save you a lot of pain, anger, and frustration in the long run.

a reply to: eluryh22

You have a firm grasp on reality and from your post you don't have any illusions. Well thought out.

I have 5 siblings and only one would be able to help or even entertain the question. Both my mom and dad were extremely independent, and he still is. I hope he will at least move out of his 4 bedroom house into an condo or something more manageable. We will see.

I shutter to think about the mess it will be when dad passes. I hope he spends every last dime he has earned from busting his hump, it will be shark week for last $ with 3 of my siblings if it isn't spelled out in a will.

Oh hell no. No. Not gonna happen. My mother already lives with us. Decided at 61 she'd worked enough and "retired" with zero savings. The woman has never saved a penny in her life (rabid spender) I say this with sarcasm because she's worked all of 12 or 15 years in her life (depends on whether or not you count various under the table jobs) Most of her working years were either farming, or manning a register. So her SS being a reflection of that, is pretty minuscule. She's perfectly healthy & ambulatory, no issues other than entitlement going on. She even trawls dating sites looking for the elusive wealthy idiot willing to marry her so she can be rich.

Right now, we are her retirement plan, and she's taking full advantage of it, which is a massive strain on our finances. It won't be a permanent "plan", we're working towards building credit to buy a home for us & our kids in the near future.

She knows her time is ticking, she needs to get a job and either keep it, or start saving, yet she refuses. If she wants to retire, that's her job to make happen affordably, not ours. With what she gets right now, there's no way she can even afford to be someone's roomie. She has it made here & she knows it.
When we buy, she'll have to figure out her living situation, because it's not going to be under our roof. Like an adult slacker kid being told by their parents, the road goes both ways with self-sufficiency. She's not an invalid in need of help, but if/when she is, she's going to look back & realize she managed to burn that help bridge with all THREE offspring. Now I see what made my brothers drop contact with her.

TL;DR: My mother's financially immature, and more than a little toxic in that regard.

originally posted by: Nyiah
My mother already lives with us. ... My mother's financially immature, and more than a little toxic in that regard.

If that doesn't work ...

originally posted by: Snarl

If that doesn't work ...

*snort* You have no idea how appealing that is XD

The ONLY reason she's even under our roof in the first place was because my late grandmother moved herself, & all of us across the country with her (I think I've mentioned this before on here) We didn't know it at the time, but it was so she could die where she grew up (cancer) My grandmother originally simply said she just wanted someone to be around in case she fell or needed physical help. My mother, and few know this even in the family, only agreed because she gave her access to her savings account. No s#, she agreed to care for her physically frail mother for money access.

My mother was pretty pissed off when they froze the account after she died. She was honestly more mad that she couldn't keep shopping on grandma's dime than she was about having to handle wrapping up my grandmother's final affairs. My mother's had over a year since we let her know our plans & to get her s# together, and not one finger lifted thus far. "I'm not going anywhere, you can keep paying my bills" is her response when we bring it back up. Hubby's had it up to his eyebrows...

a reply to: Nyiah

Wow, sounds like your new house can't come fast enough.

Are you in an apartment? I would imagine there is going to be some major drama when you finally do move. That is a tough situation.

originally posted by: seasonal
a reply to: Nyiah

Wow, sounds like your new house can't come fast enough.

Are you in an apartment? I would imagine there is going to be some major drama when you finally do move. That is a tough situation.

No, single family home. There will indeed be drama, and lots of it. This isn't the first time my mother has lived with us, hindsight showed us it was a poor offer on our part back then, too. Well, this time it wasn't our offer, it was my grandma's. I'm imaging a repeat of a whole lot of move-out crying & screaming, it's going to be a total drama queen event all over again. I'm very tempted to follow my brothers' examples and just cut her off totally. That's what my older brother had to do after floating her for a few years in his house, and putting up with her begging him for money constantly afterward. My little brother simply never let it come to that (that, and he was already many states away living with my dad, still a minor) Speaking of my dad, she's been divorced from him for over 20 years, and still tries to ask HIM for money periodically, too. I'm sure he looks at those emails and just goes "No, you crazy ass, go to work."

Ugh, sorry to hijack & dump a vent, OP. It's been one of those weeks for us & I got carried away rambling.

a reply to: Nyiah

I don't think you hi jacked, this all goes into how we treat our parents and why.

My question to you is if/when your mom is very ill/dying, would you take her in again?

originally posted by: seasonal
a reply to: Nyiah

I don't think you hi jacked, this all goes into how we treat our parents and why.

My question to you is if/when your mom is very ill/dying, would you take her in again?

I don't think I could mentally handle that. Cumulatively, she's been in & out of our home for about half of our 10 year marriage. We really, really need to just have our home to us now. Helping family in need of it is one thing, but when it turns into the proverbial opportunist catch & release, and creates resentment (as the last year for us has) then it's risky to a marriage's health. I don't think it's worth risking this much stress & loathing another time around. I'd be ok with covering OOP expenses for a facility or apartment she can't fully cover if she's unable to work, but that's where I'd have to draw the line. If she can work, she's going to have to to support herself. No more free rides.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
a reply to: seasonal

i know she does, too.

Im no mommas boy in the common sense. but i am absolutely my mothers son.

no one on this earth has earned my loyalty like her (although my wife is right up there)

Damn skippy
seconded

For many years, both my parents were in and out of hospitals. I was always there to go to the emergency room with them and help whoever was at home alone for a while. After my Dad passed away 9 years ago, I was there for my Mother as she slowly degenerated in health over the years. She was able to keep her apartment as I lived in the apartment above her.

I can't tell you how many times I would get a call from her asking me to come downstairs or her life line would call and I would rush down to find her passed out in one room or another. I would sit in the hospital for hours waiting for results and would visit every day while she was there. I went through a lot of that while I was being treated for cancer and exhausted and feeling crappy. One day I just cried my eyes out thinking I'm fighting for my life and I have to see her suffer like this too. It was horrible!!

At home she could still get dressed and do some cooking and care for herself, but often I would make meals and do her laundry and dishes and other housework for her as well as get her groceries. My Sister would help and take Mom for Doctor's appointments and bring her some meals or get things she needed. Towards the end, she could no longer leave the house as she was in too much pain with her knees. Our family would always go to a nice restaurant for Holidays, but when she couldn't get out, I would cook us the Holiday meal and others would come visit later.

I spent time with her every day, checked up on her and kept her company. I never regretted a moment. In October she had a stroke and passed away within days. I always remembered her saying she never wanted to be in a nursing home and even though I myself am disabled, I did everything I could for her and she was able to stay in her home. She was 92 when she died. I can look back now and be proud that I have no regrets, that I loved her with all my heart and helped her when she needed it.