Am I wrong about this?

originally posted by: Sillyolme
Some things are just inappropriate. This is one.
We have a couple across the street from us who we are close friends with. I will often go over and talk with the husband on their front porch. If his wife is not home I don't go in the house. It's not that either of us is untrustworthy. It's just the right thing.
Remember when Harry told Sally that men and women can't be friends because the sex gets in the way? Rules to be happy by.
Men can have women friends but only with their wives present. Women can have men friends also. And in the company of their husbands.
Why can't his friend come to your house?

I agree with you 100%.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

My response may be biased as I am a woman, and I have myself cheated many times on many people, before realizing that I just wasn't ready for commitment and preferred to either be single or openly available at my own leisure. (Yes I know, I'm a bitch, I unintentionally but selfishly broke many heats and hurt feelings and destroyed the trust in some, moving on...)

Now, I'm not accusing your husband, and I hate to say this because i don't want you to assume that its the case for him, but I will offer this insight:

I would say or get as angry as I had to at any cost to go spend time with whoever I wanted ALONE. So that's a red flag to me that he is insisting on going alone, getting defensive about it and becoming irritated.

I don't think you are wrong for not wanting him to go alone. There should be no reason that you couldn't all hang out. I would never tell any of my male friends their wives or girlfriends could not tag along if we had a strictly platonic relationship.

Some had crazy girlfriends or wives that I just did not like and refused to be around, and that's my right. In those instances, I would gradually end the friendship because I would never make someone I had a platonic relationship with choose me or their S.O. If I didn't like the partner, I'd just stop asking to hang out. I wouldn't go out of my way to make plans. Avoided them really.

But every guy I ever was friends with that I was also "more than" friends with, OR if they wanted to be "more than" friends with me, they would never bring their girlfriends around me. That was also a good hint to me that they were wanting something else out of our friendship. I was always right. Every time.

Now, I'm not that girl so I can't say she likes your husband, and I can't even say he likes her, because everyone behaves differently, but using MY OWN experiences as a basis for my response, I'd say keep your eyes open and don't let someone play you. Don't get overly aggressive either and accuse him of anything without evidence, because then he might think you've gone off your rocker and he'll certainly run for the hills then.

It could just be a case of, hes been making you feel pushed away or distant lately, and you're nervous, and he may be completely innocent. Don't let that allow your marriage to spiral out of control.

a reply to: butcherguy

She has no car, well no functioning car. More importantly she has no drivers license.

These are the exact values I was raised with though. It's fine to be friends but it's not cool to be alone inside a member of the opposite sex's home.

I did just send him a message and told him I wanted to come to a compromise that would make us both comfortable. And I apologized for being emotional and unable to explain my reasoning without blubbering like a fool. Hopefully he will respond to that and we can engage in a better discussion tonight.

He quite honestly would not be bothered by me going to a male friends house alone because he trusts that I won't do anything. I really do trust that he won't cheat. I think I just wanted a reality check for myself. I know I can be unreasonable about somethings and sometimes it helps me to get an outsiders opinion. Even the comments warning me about his actions have helped.

I know text isn't the best way to have a conversation as well but I can usually formulate a less emotional response and be more logical. He doesn't respond to emotional very well but he does when I am logical and can leave my tears out of it.

a reply to: NerdGoddess

The girl is perfectly nice. I wouldn't at all mind hanging out with her and him. Personally I don't have many friends at all. Most of my friends from my younger days have families of their own now and have moved far away or unlike me, the stay at home mom, have jobs they have to be at. I am home to take care of my kids everyday of the week by the time night comes around I don't have much interest in hanging out with friends. I want to talk with my husband and play video games and relax. He is pretty much the same way most of the time.

I really appreciate your perspective alot. In fact it helps me with some facts that I can use in our conversation later. Thank you!

Thank you all for the responses. Especially you men type folks! Wish me luck and cross fingers I can keep my emotions in check tonight.

originally posted by: Pillywiggin
a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Just my two cents, but I think he should spend Father's Day with his children, not a friend of either gender.

You got it. It's not even so much of what we think he should or shouldn't do. It has everything to do with what he WANTS to do. A father of three wanting to spend fathers day with some broad that is not his wife says a few things (in my opinion, of course).

Not enough info to analyze the relationship as a whole so I'll let others do the speculating.

Edit to add: This also says something about the other woman as well.

Men can have female friends, that is not really the issue. Having a female friend that you spend time with is fine, even if it's alone. By alone I mean meeting for lunch, or going to a public event. I'd think most people would agree that's fine and acceptable.

But when you read it this way.

He has a female friend, that he wants to go to her house and hang out with, just the two of them, on fathers day, leaving his wife and 3 children at home.......

He can't possibly be that obtuse, or insensitive. If it where me, I would have acknowledged your feelings and either not gone, or had our activity take place outside of her home in public. But I probably never would have made plans that didn't include my family on father day either.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

My Ex wanted to be alone in closed facebook groups. I was ok, till she became distant.

Then I found out she was posting nudes and flirting with other sleazy pricks, posting poems about the dicks and all sorts of other things, having her tits rated...

Yeah, I'd be worried.. when they need to be alone, it means they can't tell you something.

a reply to: butcherguy

Finally we find common ground...whoda thunk it would be over a morality question? We are more alike than different friend.
See ya in the....gotcha...cooking threads. Bet you thought I was gonna say political threads LOL

originally posted by: schuyler
You are not wrong. Nothing good can come from this relationship with another woman. It's not healthy for your relationship, and if he is this emotionally involved to get into a debate that makes him angry, there is serious potential for an affair here. It's just a matter of time. You KNOW he will be complaining about you to this other woman. She'll sympathize, and away they go. This is CLASSIC behavior.

It's nice to think it could all be platonic, but that is completely unrealistic. Why does he not want to hang out with you? It makes no sense. I wouldn't trust him a bit. I hope you don't have kids together because this is not going to end well.

Exactly. Spot on brother...

Another point, If I may.

It sounds like she may be the more assertive one, judging by the comment about their phone conversation and him asking permission.

Sounds to me like that means she invited him over.

Him stating he needs to ask your permission is him acknowledging that it is most likely inappropriate, otherwise there would have been no need or even thought of asking permission.

He might be a great guy, and very faithful. However, men put into certain situations can have a difficult time suppressing natural urges. While he may not see the danger and be sure in his commitment to you. If this women comes at him hard enough, even the best can be seduced.

Look, there's no place I'd rather be then on the Enterprise, it's the pride of the fleet. But when you have a big old pair of Klingon warbirds pounding away on your face it's kind of hard not to surrender.

originally posted by: Bennyzilla
I don't think it really matters all that much what you say or do at this point. If he wants to go he will find a way.

Like Schuyler said this is classic behavior and I've never seen it not go south.

There's no way he's not aware of the situation he's putting you in yet he's still sticking to his guns which implies he doesn't care about your situation - just his own.

I also think if you trusted him completely you wouldn't have made this thread.

it's the "Im not doing anything" thing that betrays you when they are revealed. Even as hard or as innocent they try.

And it's better to break it off than end up betrayed..

Been there too many friggen times now..

Lol I am almost surprised by how many men have responded to this! I don't know why it surprises me but it does.

Like a pp said I don't mind him hanging out with her in nearly any other venue. Go to lunch, a movie, whatever. Just don't hang out in a home alone or a hotel room.

Well, I have to be getting off of here for now. It's almost time for kids to come home from their last day of school and I am betting they will be carrying a fully loaded bookbag each.

I promise I will update this tomorrow in case anyone is curious how things work out. I know I always want to know what happens in things like this.

A reasonable compromise would be to all hang out together, he could go pick her up and take her home again. THey get a bit of alone time for their friendship in the car, and you all get to be friends together.

It seems you have your answer. Of course showing him this thread will amount to ganging up on him so I don't recommend that.
However you did say that your agreement about this friend was that you and the children get top priority and his wanting to trash fathers day for time with her doesn't sound like he's keeping his half of the agreement.

originally posted by: Sillyolme
a reply to: butcherguy

Finally we find common ground...whoda thunk it would be over a morality question? We are more alike than different friend.
See ya in the....gotcha...cooking threads. Bet you thought I was gonna say political threads LOL

I am cooking black sea bass for dinner tonight.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi

Seriously, when I am in a relationship my girl is #1. This is just me but I would never ever want to be alone with another girl If I was in a relationship.

I would not want my love telling me she is going to hang out at a guys house alone. Nope no way. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Tell him your going to hang out with a guy alone at his house and see how he feels. Ok I am done!
Edit spelling

a reply to: butcherguy

Hmmmm.
No I won't..I won't go off topic. I hate those PMs....
Start a thread recipes for fish.

They boning.

a reply to: YachiruKusajishi
Girl, from one Shinigami to another, I think you're right.

I would feel the same. You are his real best friend, not her. I would ask him why she means so much to him. My fiance would never do this. I have hung out with our mutual good friend (a guy) alone, but that is different because he's like a brother to us. Men are very visual, so then going to hang out with a girl alone is a red flag. I think you need to sit down and nicely ask him to tell you the truth. Be like, you can do whatever you want, but don't lie to me. And go with. But be careful, I have watched crime shows and one of them involved something like this and the girl in your position ended up getting killed by the other chick (who turned out to actually be a man who had a sex change, funnily enough). Just be careful and have your wits about you.

a reply to: rukia

Great thinking and advice!👍🏽