Meth addicted spouse. Kids involved. I need advice.

My daughter in law has been struggling with a Meth addiction since she was 14. She is 30 and the mother of my two grandsons. My son has tried to take the boys and leave, but she flips out so hard, he is afraid to try again. 2 yrs ago he tried to leave and she got pregnant (we arent sure its my sons) and had an anchor baby so he couldnt leave. They are not married, but have been together for over 10 yrs. She doesnt have much of a police record, but she did have a dirty test while pregnant with her last child. She is really abusive. She actually put a cigarette out on his back and he has a scab the size of a quarter right now. Its a roller coaster, she has a sister who has 5 kids and is addicted to meth and that is where she gets it.

Several years ago, I tried to have a pow wow with her mom and dad, to possibly have a tough love intervention, but I ended up being the bad guy because I didnt protect her dirty little secrete and now my daughter in law hasnt spoken to me for the last few years. I only know what the truth is because not only does my son tell me, but one of my nephews went up and stayed for a week. And the horror stories he told me are just over the top. She refuses to allow me any contact with the kids.

My son can no longer think with his own brain. He lives in constant fear of her and her escapades. Does there come a time when a grandparent needs to step in and get the authorities involved? Im worried that my son will loose the boys. Because she doesnt have a solid meth related record, and they are not married. Although he is listed on the birth certs as the father. And because he has been stuck so long trying to help her stop and in my opinion he is now a part of the problem because he has enabled her for so long, and I dont think he is thinking clearly from the abuse.

Im constantly helping them financially, because she steals the cash and then someone has to keep the lights on, and its me that is picking up the slack. I feel that Im enabling her. So, Ive decided that I will not help them anymore. Only because, I think the only way out is to let their life fall apart. If they get evicted, and the whole thing goes bust, then that gives him a way out. And its really awful for me to be supporting a family I cant even get to see and grandsons I cant enjoy. But, I hate to drag my grandsons through more trauma.

At this point, my son needs to grab the kids and run. But, he is so abused he cant even get a plan. My 18 yr old daughter just wants to go steal the kids and go to my sisters in Oregon. But, I dont want her to go to jail for kidnapping. I own a rental property that is vacant right now, Ive offered to give him the house just to get him out of there. But, he is afraid to move into it, because he knows she will burn it down or something horrid when she is tweeking.

My daughter in law is RH negative, and we all have abduction experiences, including my 8 yr old grandson. I know she is self medicating. We all have endured some really bad missing time, abduction experiences. www.abovetopsecret.com... But, no one can fix it for her.

Ive read a lot of online forums on the subject, but havent found any real solutions. Has anyone been through this? We are not the type of people to throw someone away because they have problems, and I can personally assure you have have done everything in my power to get her help. She doesnt want help. She wants to sleep until 3 pm wake up like a horrid dragon, make sure everyone is miserable then go back to bed on come down days. On up days, she is up all night going through drawers and making a huge mess so my son has to clean it up. When my nephew was there, he had cracked a doz eggs and whipped them to make scrambled, she came in the kitchen, grabbed the bowl of eggs and in her rage threw them all over the kitchen. Raw eggs, everywhere, cabinets, floors, appliances, everywhere. So, the whole kitchen had to be cleaned. You cant let a small toddler play in raw egg. She went back to bed so my nephew and son had to scrub the whole kitchen to make it safe for a toddler. My son is disabled he wrapped his car around a tree 15 yrs ago, but he is the one struggling to take care of the home and family.

Should I just call the police? What if she isnt tweeking when the go check on the family?, and I look like a vindictive mother in law? Will we be believed?

a reply to: misskat1


Have your son file a PFA on her for the children maybe? He would need some proof though. If that doesn't work, is she tweaking while she is with the children? If that is the case he has EVERY right to call the police and have her removed from the home because she is a danger to the children.

After that if she refused treatment, he would EASILY be able to get custody of the children, assuming he doesn't have any skeleton in his closet that may bite him.

Best of luck, but if he won't protect the children nor anyone else, the burden falls on you.

a reply to: misskat1

Addicts will steal the happiness from everyone around them. Call family services and let them call the cops.

a reply to: misskat1

Get him and the kids into a safe house....far away. Then call the police.

I can count about 10 laws being broken. And if you know about it and do nothing...then you are breaking a few yourself.

Please...please. Do it for the kids...and him...and yourself. Please...
Break the cycle....

God bless you

a reply to: misskat1

It's all about the evidence, collect solid evidence before you take any legal actions. Tell your son to grow some balls, it seems he's afraid of her, she is taking advantage of his fear.

I do feel like I have allowed it too long. And I am sure she tweeks around the kids. I know an addict will exude meth through the pores of their skin, so I am very concerned about the baby.

a reply to: misskat1

Sometimes we have to make the choice we don't want to make but we know needs to be done.

IMO you should get the family services authorities involved in getting the children into a safer environment, in this case it seems your son is a good father and would be willing to do what it takes as a single father which is good.

You are also helping as much as you can but right now financial support won't have the impact it needs, it never does when someone is addicted.

Furthermore I think that if you get the authorities involved, find a place for the children to be away from the house if you can, no one needs any sort of freak out to occur in front of the children, their mental state has already been impacted by the negative behaviour they see.

Finally, as someone who will be having a child soon and has had issues with addiction in the past, if it ever happened again I hope they would go and leave me behind until I could become the person they need me to be.

She needs to become the mother her children need her to be, or she can't have them around, that's my thought.

a reply to: ChemicalAli

He has tried to collect evidence. He pretended to be her on her phone and texted back and forth with her dealer about the drugs. But, she found it and erased it before he could copy it. He sent the conversation to her mom, hoping she would stop being in denial. But the mom erased it too.

For a couple of years he didnt know what was going on. So, I had him get a calendar and put an x on the up days and an O on the down days, it helped him figure out it was a cycle and then he found her crack pipe, and figured it out.

I'd get a DNA test on the baby in question just for peace of mind, turn her in to child protective services and have your son take custody of the kids. She needs help and she needs to have a reason to be clean. Right now she doesn't have a reason. She has everything she wants. Her kids, her man, and her drugs. Until she wants to change, change won't happen. It will suck badly, and there will be pain, but in the interest of saving the kids from a horrible life, it will be worth it.

We have a fellowship here in the UK called Al anon it is for families and friends of addicts.
He will likely find someone with similar experiences and will get invaluable support and advice on a 1 to 1 basis.
The groups are anonymous and free for anyone.. This would especially help him on an emotional level also.

Good luck

Thank you for the "go to the authorities" validation. I know its the right thing too.

Do whatever you need to do to get the kids in a safe environment. If that involves the police, so be it. Your son needs help too, but he is an adult that is choosing to not do anything. The kids should not be put through that.

My inlaws have a similar situation- their son is married to a woman that is addicted to pills. He is likely using too. However, the mother (not the wife) of the child is also on/off with pills. It's such a fracked up situation. And her two homes vacillate between the lesser of two evils. The child is very damaged- even strangers pick up on her void of emotion, she has been sexually abused by her brother (and that is only what is known). Her stepmother could have gotten clean and her and the father would have full custody, but she wouldn't do it. I'm sorry, I'm rambling, but it makes me very angry.

Point is, try to get those kids away to minimize trauma.

eta: I don;t think your son is a bad father, he seems to be emotionally crippled. I can only imagine watching the person you love, the mother of your children, take this path. And to fear them

a reply to: misskat1

I advise if he has full custody to take the boys and run.

If not, he may have to sort that out first, but perhaps there is somewhere safe he and the kids can stay until the court proceedings are over...

I saw you said she physically harmed him.... She will do it to the boys as well, if she hasn't already, make no mistake about that. If he continues to allow her to treat him this way, she could very well end up killing him. Abuse is not something to take lightly, especially when combined with an addiction.

Please please please get him to get out of there. Save himself and importantly, save your grandbabies. She has to go, its gone too far, and she needs to either get help on her own, and MAYBE come back, or she needs to be removed from the picture completely.

Just my two cents.

Best wishes regardless of the route your family chooses.

-Alee

You can't negotiate with a tweeker. After just a few uses, it turns them into sociopaths that will tell you everything you want to hear to get you away or to pay. The brain gets permanently rewired.

As well as a 97% relapse rate, or some other redic rate. Sometimes you have to just cut your losses.

I was beaten and stabbed by one, they don't live in reality, and develop schizophrenic behaviors, as their brain rots. Sounds like she is at that point.

Don't underestimate their lack of emotional control. This is a perfect situation for her to harm the kid out of spite.

I would talk with your son, and make a gameplan.

He knows her best.

You two can go to the police and talk to them, tell them the situation.
You will head off any fake domestic assault claims against your son.

A tweeker is always around their tweek. Use it for jail forced treatment. You and your son can speak directly with the prosecution and judge, relay the problem and they will often force in-jail treatment for her. Treatment in some states takes months to get in, and she will sit in jail on a small possession charge until an opening. This waiting period can ba adjusted with a request to the county prosecutor.

Hate to be a rat, but I have seen the damage this garbage causes first hand.

As hard as it is to stay idle as a parent, I would say make no moves without your sons direct consent, that could really backfire. And if you guys do make a move, you better get the kid in your custody first.

My 2`

Good luck

a reply to: misskat1

First of all, this property you have. I hope no one has been stupid enough to tell the problem person where it is?

If not, then the offending individual cannot find it and burn it down, unless someone in your family or social circle has no understanding of the term "operational security". Get your son, his kids, and bundle them up into that place, and at the very same time, call social services and alert them to the presence in the original abode, of a meth addict who has been physically abusing her significant other and failing in her duties toward her children.

This is a risky option.

The better alternative is to have your son take the kids to the local office of the child protective service, explain his situation, show the attending officer his wounds, recount his situation to the officer, request assistance and alert them to the fact that he intends to protect his children, and find out what his options are from there.

I am pretty sure there are anonymous helplines for these situations which might be a better source of information and advice than you will find here on ATS.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Unfortunately I lived in the rental for long time, she knows exactly where it is.

Your son needs some therapy support. Are there support groups for the partners of addicts there? He needs to hear from other people this simple truth:

An addict does not love anyone. An addict simply loves the thing they are addicted to.

This woman does not love him. If he thinks she does, he is deluding himself.

(I speak with some experience on this issue.)

It might help him to hear other people stories who are in similair situations to his, which will help him take the steps he needs to take to get this creature out of his and the childrens lives.

Good luck.

a reply to: Painterz

I agree he really needs a support group, however, he is the only one taking care of the boys and the house. He cant leave them alone with her, she wont let me babysit and he could never get away for a support group without her flipping out on him.

a reply to: misskat1

To be frank, that was going to be the worst option. The last thing you want to do, is make it look like the kids have been rendered somewhere outside the reach of the mother, unless the state clears it first. The reason I say that, is that it is all too easy for something to fall through the cracks, and the father to appear like the bad guy! That can result in cops encircling and laying seige to a place and god knows what other horrors. Not what you want.

Get your son to pack up the kids and visit the local offices of Uncle Sam's government with his problem, and see if there are any emergency measures that can be put into action to help from their end.

a reply to: [post
That is exactly my fear. And why I havent called yet. But, its gone too far. And Im giving my son ultimatums today. He either do something, or I will be forced to do something. And it would look so much better if he takes control of the situation. If I step in and call, then it makes him look like he isnt protecting his kids either. And at this point I dont think he is protecting them from this crazy person.