My Panic Disorder story.

Chapter I
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Hi everyone. I just feel a strong need to get this out of my brain. Its about to explode otherwise...

In the years of 1998-2003 I did alot of unhealthy things. Drugs. I will not go into detail as it is against the TOS.
In 2005 I started to get my first real problem from those years.
It was a panic attack. It happened on the bus on my way home from work. Without any precaution or anything.
I was listening to music on my headphones and in pretty good mood.
But it struck me like the shills on a bad acid trip - panic. Fear. Incredible discomfort. Discomfort you can not know or realise, if you not yourself have experienced it.
So if you havent, consider yourself lucky.
The panic attack was so severe I had to immediately get of the bus.
The next stop was 30 sec away so I endured until then.
Those seconds were like I was fighting Mike Tyson in the ring and he was about to bite my ear off.
Jokes aside, it was extreme.
It was almost like an intense bad trip on acid.
This is of course what I thought at the time. That I had had a flashback. An intense one.
But the panic wouldnt subdue. And worthy of mentioning; at that time I had NO CLUE what a panic attack was.
I hadnt studied psychiatry even one bit. Didnt know anything basically. I was young and dumb.
Anyway I got off the bus.
It was summer.
Walked straight forward, from the bus stop, into the park which was close by.
I sat on a bench in the park and lit a cigarette. I tried to compose myself but it was futile.
I thought for sure I was about to have a psychosis. Right then and there.
And there was nothing I could do about it.

I threw the cigarette away, and rushed off to the nearest Liqour store*1.
I had to do something to end or at least ease this discomfort.
I was truly truly desperate.
Anyway, I walked into the shop, grabbed some liquor, payed, and got out.
As soon as I got a bit from the city centre, I poured that # down.
Like it was summer and I hadnt had any water in hours.
Which was basically true, btw.
Anyway.... The liquour had its effect, and the panic attack*2 subdued.
I could think again. I started asking myself questions.. What the # just happened?
Did I have an Acid Flashback?
That was all I could think of to explain it..
So that is where my mind went ..

3 months later-

I had now had panic attacks daily, hours upon hours, weeks upon weeks, months upon months.
I was EXTREMELY close to ending my life - the ONLY thing that kept me from doing it - was my mother.
I knew that if I killed myself, my mother would not be able to endure the pain and suffering that would cause.
Neither could my sister endure the pain and suffering that would cause our mother. So I couldnt end it.
I had to live, for their sake.

This gave me strength - but to be honest, I wished every single minute that they would die so that I could die calmly.

It was horrible.
I had never been so sad, desperate, and alone.
And I was truly alone. I cut all cords with my old friends. I threw away my phone since I couldnt speak in it anyway - hearing my own voice triggered immense panic.
Everything did.
But some things more than others. Speaking on the phone was one thing I just couldnt do. Impossible.
I threw it against a wall and it broke and I was glad.

It was still summer at this time, and I spent alot of time at the beach. I lived in Malmö - which is Swedens third largest city - and its located right at the shore of southern sweden.
Its a beautiful city and the shores and beaches are very nice.
Naturally I found myself enjoying beeing there. Looking out over the ocean is a feeling of intense freedom.

I had started to use alcohol very heavily during the past months as it was the only thing I knew that helped for these incredibly strong panic attacks*3.

Alcohol however, causes anxiety in and of itself and also causes a depressed mind to become even more depressed.
At the time I had no clue about any of that though so I drank and I drank.
I listened to alot of Linkin Park in my headphones so I related to alot of their songs like Easier to Run, Numb, Crawling...

I cried alot. I was at the beach at night time, when very few people was there.
I used to drink myself completely wasted, listening to linkin park, crying and shouting. I must have looked completely insane..

Many nights I walked into the ocean, to where I had the water at my chest.
And I was contemplating whether or not to "do it". But I always looped back to "I cant" cause of my mom and sister.
So those nights usually ended with me shouting myself empty. Crying myself dry.

...continuing tomorrow

*1 = In sweden, selling liqour and beer over 3,5% is legal only in special shops called Systembolaget. The government sells alcohol to us. This is actually pretty good, and nothing we complain about. Its not North Korea, sweden actually has a pretty good government
*2 = at this time, I didnt know what a panic attack was. So I couldnt calm myself telling myself I only had a panic attack and that nothing was dangeourus and I wasnt about to go insane. Instead I thought I WAS going insane and I WAS about to #ing loose my #.
*3 = again, i didnt know what panic attacks were, I thought i was going insane all the time, and that alcohol helped me to keep it at bay.

Listening to stuff like Linkin Park would only complicate your thoughts on the matter. Music that is simpler is much better.
But I know the feeling. Words don't do justice to the creeping terror of a panic/anxiety attack. You can't be faulted for using booze to cope. In my experience, the more I warped my mind, the easier it was to deal with possible freak outs.

a reply to: alienDNA
Hope this helps you feel better
youtu.be...

I've been in a very similar situation you were in. It sucks

Although I know you are continuing your story I hope you are doing better. My daughter gets severe panic attacks and unfortunately for her its genetic. It is a chemical imbalance.

I have spent many hours on the phone with her talking her through them. She is taking something now that has helped her greatly. Have you found something that helps you?