Failure To Integrate

Do you feel like you have great difficulty integrating into the social atmospheres created by gatherings involving family and friends? It's a very hard sensation to describe, but essentially it involves feeling like an "alien" or "foreigner" among other humans — even when you know those other people quite well. Is it merely social anxiety? I doubt it, because you are able to hold several conversations without panicking and people comment on how pleasant your presence was for the event. Despite this, you reflect over your participation at the gathering and something just doesn't feel right.

I'm not talking about people doing bad things or participating in destructive behaviour, I am talking about a simple gathering where family and friends meet up for a regular occasion, such as somebody's birthday, and spend most of the evening celebrating the life of the subject, having pleasant conversations and generally having a good time.

So if not the event itself or the people surrounding you, the individual is left with only one conclusion: it's something to do with me. However, if others didn't notice anything wrong or out of place, then why the worry? Perhaps it was just a case of having to step outside one's comfort zone and encountering resistance from oneself as a result.

I wish I could word it better, but it's a feeling I have dealt with for many years and that is probably as concisely as I can express it without going off on tangents.

Does anybody else relate to these sensations?

I would suggest that the sensation may be something to do with what certain people accept as being true to themselves, or in other words, how connected they are within the societal system, or disconnected in some cases.

Most people are programmed into their lives and think nothing of it, however I would also suggest we are now getting to the stage where more and more people are waking up to the falsities and ergo this may be having an effect on them socially.

Not saying this is the answer to what you experience, but it could be a part

a reply to: Zcustosmorum

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate any feedback that helps me better understand this phenomenon.

I feel the same. I have branded myself a trailblazer (for better or worse), and have walked away from all societal norms, clichés and what people generally converse about outside of their own experiences.

Of course it has something to do you, but also much of them. I could be wrong, but many like us just want to connect on a deeper level and talking in a way which opens up that dialogue can sometimes invoke strange or uncommon feelings from the crowd you're speaking to, which might cause you to become uncomfortable.

When I'm in large crowds that tend to make me uncomfortable, the best thing I do to socially integrate in the immediate is to get someone talking about themselves. It's amazing how much and for how long someone can go on about themselves when given the opportunity and an ear to listen.

Sometimes it's worth faking the ordeal, as you form a bond after making them believe that you were genuinely interested in what they said. If they don't show you the same unbiased opportunity, then the lack of integration fall in their lap due by denying you to be free in your exchange.

I could be wrong, but I believe that you demand more than fleeting glimpses into people's minds and all these "gatherings" are doing is pitting you up against too many, to fast, which takes away the ability to intrinsically attach yourself to any one single person's mind. You may prefer a more intimate setting without having too many distractions on the side.

I like connecting with people on a one-on-one basis and in crowds, it is really hard to do that. Just be true to yourself and as kind as possible, remembering not to become something you're not for the sake of another. There's nothing wrong with feeling disconnected or burdened by the task of confrontation. Attempting to remain unique and free spirited has it's drawbacks when the herd gathers.

I've said in the past, you've got a good head on your shoulders and from my perspective, you shouldn't change who you are no matter how uncomfortable the art of integration may be. Acceptance and the like are counteracting forces to a free thinking individual. History will defend that statement.

Thanks giving me a space to share my thoughts.

a reply to: Zcustosmorum

Most people are programmed into their lives and think nothing of it, however I would also suggest we are now getting to the stage where more and more people are waking up to the falsities and ergo this may be having an effect on them socially.

I am fairly active socially and I see more and more people withdrawing from "real" social interactions; and more interested in the content on their smart phones. In fact being drawn into even more programming and more interested in cyber substitution of real human contact.

www.psychologytoday.com...

smart phone addiction....

www.helpguide.org...


The social implications are staggering.

On a personal note, I overcame my social anxiety when I read a book on "How to win friends and Influence People" now it's just a sick, twisted game, I feel forced to play.

I have always felt very much like you describe. I dread most any form of gathering as the feelings intensify with more people present. The constant self criticizing mantra playing in the back of the mind or the nagging worry about others perception of you, convinced they think you stupid. Knowing they do not like you. Call it social anxiety or whatever, it does make you different from others. Never able to fully enjoy companionship with another human because of this negative inner battle. Not much to be done to change this or i have not personally found a way. Maybe we all secretly feel like this I do not know but your not alone.

One of my best friends who incidentally was a world class salesman once said to me people bore the heck out of him. He could get along with just about anyone and be friends but underneath he was bored to tears.

My family always spoke of "things" instead of people.. After mother died and dad remarried one of the things his new wife said to me after a family get together was how we all spoke of things (world events, scientific breakthroughs etc etc) instead of the latest gossip about what kind of barbecue sauce the neighbors purchased.

Most people talk about other people which bores me to tears also; outside of gossip about other people they tend to be very limited in their thought processes.... true if some acquaintance got killed or has some drop dead disease their name will be brought up but the endless chatter about other people and what they are doing is not worth my ears to listen much less my time.

So just because family and friends have a get together does not mean you are fully engaged in their presence or conversations. Just means you are there and trying to be engaged in their lives; bored or not.

originally posted by: 4runner96740
Maybe we all secretly feel like this I do not know but your not alone.

a reply to: Dark Ghost

The more people are around, the more I cringe.

For me however, I feel like when people gather they immediately have a heard mentality and just like in a litter of dogs, there's always one runt (don't take that the wrong way, I will explain).

I was always the "runt" of my family, like you mentioned always being on the sidelines, and I always chalked it up to anxiety.

As I got older, I realized that it's not anxiety, I just don't like other people, and the more people there are the less happy I become.

My thought is that it's because I've been treated like # by a lot of people and I see that reflecting back in almost every other person I see; I have only a few friends and I am very distant from my family because of it.

I now have a child on the way and because of that, I'm trying hard to break the cycle of being emotionless and cold like my parents were with me.

I want my child to be comfortable interacting with people of all races and genders, despite what I myself have gone through..and I think it all starts with them knowing that they are loved despite what anyone else says or does.

Maybe you're just an introvert?

I've never been overly fond of other people and the shallow crap they seem to be consumed with. I could care less about who did what on the latest episode of popular TV show X, who wore what to what celebrity function, etc., but that seems to be all the rage.

Several years ago, I went out to lunch and was privileged to listen to a whole table of what looked like young professional types spend an entire hour digging deeply into the meaning of the latest episode of Jersey Shore. It was appalling, but this is what people talk about.

Who knows? Maybe everyone is bored to tears with it, but those are the only "safe" topics of conversation left to us in divided America these days.

I have felt like that since first memory.Later i could put it in words for myself.Like i was left behind,on a world that was not my own,among a species i felt little but contempt and dislike for.

Still i knew from childhood that there was nothing to do but make the best of it.I could form friendships, but i preferred having just one friend,not being in a clique.In high school i had one friend,in every school i attended.But the popular girls who hung around in qliques were always friendly ,always greeted me pleasantly even though we didn't talk.

As an adult i am fairly hermitish,i have one good friend,and not really one for social gatherings at all.In fact the most i will do is a bbq with my husband's friend and his wife.

Luckily i don't have to worry about big family gatherings-my husband has only parents and a sister,and we cannot stand each other,but they live on the other side of the country.I was adopted by older,strange people,whose extended family always reacted like a dangerous wild animal walked in when i entered a room,being an empath i could sense their acute discomfort to be near me.Weird weird people.But they're all longtime dead by now.

a reply to: 727Sky
You really spoke to me. I was always a shy child. Somehow by fate, I took a position teaching, then speaking to large groups; which I was quite successful; shockingly. However, semi-retired, I detest small talk or family gatherings-like fingernails on a chalkboard-it is so boring. These days, I only willingly spend my time where I can have discussions with others who talk about more than their kids, gossip about everyone or their boring jobs. Been there-done that; gotta go.
I just have a hard time acting like I care. I had to do it with my job, other couples socially and I don't want to do it anymore. I like to be around thinkers-I want to learn so I am in school-expanding my masters- into the sciences-so much knowledge to be learned and I am so thirsty. So not much of a social bird-but a thinking one and have have really come full circle with who I really am and I feel fine with it. So, I really relate.

I wish I could word it better, but it's a feeling I have dealt with for many years and that is probably as concisely as I can express it without going off on tangents.

Does anybody else relate to these sensations?

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Something like this? www.sunfell.com...

a reply to: Dark Ghost

What are the differences between you, and them, ever wondered? Social anxiety doesnt find its root in the vacuum, it got reasons to exist, true existential reasons that if recognized, can lead to profound changes and even inner balance, meaning self control, peace.

This sensation must have to do with an unease about other humans in one or both ways, quite vague maybe. It could be uncontrolled empathy, psychic vampirism (basically strong egos drains lesser egos of their energy), an inability to connect with them because they are sheep and narrow minded, forcing you to lower yourself to their level because of fear of their reaction? With the latter, i can see how it would create unease. Solution? Seek like minded people.

It can also be a lack of self confidence, doubt and hesitation arise and if you let yourself enter this spiral, it leads to anxiety. In the end it's all about self control and good priority management. Dont do things that you know are going in the opposite direction of your deeper beliefs?

Or accept that loniless is a myth and learn to enjoy your own presence alone? Nature is forever present anyway.

Ive had issues dealing with people, be it family or friends, or co-workers my entire life (43)... I see the train wreck occurring in our country and people are more concerned with Game of thrones or the kardashians... it drove me nuts for years.

Finally a bit before I met my wife I sad F it... I will be myself and the world can go hang if they dont like it. Now I do have a lot fewer acquaintances... but I think thats for the better because the people I still associate with on a regular basis are dialed in with how screwed up the world is; kinda of like how I feel.

Oddly enough.. conservatives, liberals, moderates... all fall into my circle of friends now.

Life is much simpler and easier when clean the gutters (so to speak) every now and again.

a reply to: Dark Ghost

I think the first and second generation has difficulties with adjusting to a new home.. Everything takes time, thats how the world works..

a reply to: Dark Ghost

I think I understand what you mean. Perhaps it's more a case of not being sure you are accepted? Feeling out of place, because you don't know if you fit in?

a reply to: LadyGreenEyes

It's funny you should say that. At the end of the day, I was talking to a relative of mine and he stressed how nice it would be if I attended these types of gatherings more frequently as I am "such a nice person" and "people enjoy being around you". I thanked him for the compliments and tried to explain that it's difficult for me to attend events like these because of my struggles with depression and social anxiety.

He said "it's all in your head! You showed today that you CAN do it quite easily. You are not going to get along with everyone, but that shouldn't prevent you from coming out more."

To some, his response might seem uninformed, but a part of me does agree that all my worries are due to the battle within myself.

a reply to: Dark Ghost

You know,speaking of depression,i have always,since i was a kiddie,felt that my depression stems from having to be Here,in this world.I have suffered from major depressive disorder since i was a small child.Because i have always felt trapped in a bad dream,having to live a life in this world,among this race.

Now before anyone gets the idea that this is about a superiority complex-it is so not.Although the human race is a violent,depraved,abominable and fairly disgusting race in general,there are some very wonderful,kind,compassionate,empathic,unselfish individuals among them too.Fine people,fine souls-better souls than me.

But there is a Barrier.Idk how to properly explain in words.I am actually an extrovert by nature and confident and assertive when i need to be.But i am also an empath,which means crowds or large gatherings are extremely unpleasant to me,and except for going to the capital city once a month,i avoid crowds like the plague.But it goes deeper than that-even just socialising with a small group of people that i know,although i can laugh and chat and even find things in common,mundane things-it always feels like an ACT.Like there's an invisible barrier or something.Like i'm just acting human.Idk how to describe it,words fail me on this one.

I guess best way to explain it would be to say-i feel like a deep undercover agent set among the human race.And no matter how hard i try,how nice the other person/people are,and no matter how much i like and respect them-there is an invisible barrier that seperates us,that i cannot break through.

It sounds horrible,i know..I am friendly to people,i have much compassion in my heart towards the beleaguered human race,i get furious when i hear of child and animal abuse,i hate injustice with a rabid hatred,and to see how the "average" citizens of this planet are downtrodden and enslaved by the disgusting filth at the top..but i just do not feel like i am a part,a bona fide member of the human race.Since earliest childhood i have felt this way.I feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing,but that term has such bad connotations.Picture a good wolf with a kindly soul who hates injustice and wish it could right all the wrongs and brutalities visited upon the poor punchdrunk human race,fight for them and defend them.

a reply to: Dark Ghost

The more people you put in a room the less you can talk about and the more pointless the gathering becomes. Well, this is my opinion. I don't like social situations much although I enjoy an intimate gathering with one or two people.