9 Signs You're Being Emotionally Abused In Your Relationship, Because Love Shouldn't ...

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9 Signs You're Being Emotionally Abused In Your Relationship, Because Love Shouldn't Feel Manipulative

Elizabeth Enochs
July 14, 2015 Lifestyle
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www.bustle.com...

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With the widespread public outrage over recent celebrity domestic violence cases, it seems that, while we obviously still have a long way to go on this issue, our society is becoming more aware and less tolerant of how prevalent physical abuse is. And we should be. What's not talked about as often, however, is the fact that emotional abuse can be just as damaging to a person's health and overall well-being as physical abuse — and it's even more common.
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1. Their Mean Jokes, Criticism, And Judgement Are Constant
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2. You Feel Guilty All The Time
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3. They Refuse to Communicate [at least in any true dialogue sense]
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There's a number of very serious and true items on this short list.
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I hope abused folks take a real close look at it and ponder each item carefully if there's any chance they are being abused.
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Some of the items are immediate DEAL BREAKERS--to me--i.e. MOVE OUT IMMEDIATELY, if true.
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I'd consider #'s 1., 2., 3., 4., 5., 6., 7., 8., 9. to be deal breakers. Hmmmm . . . all of them. Wow. Some I feel that way more strongly about but all of them could easily be deal breakers for me. 9 is particularly telling as is the guilt flinging one and any !!!!CONTROL!!!! stuff.
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Please note the NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:
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1-800-799-7233.
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Police consider domestic violence cases the most dangerous situations they are called to. And, they figure that the typical abused wife will call them to that home at least 7 TIMES before she'll FINALLY leave.
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Be wise and safe, folks.
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Yes, wives abuse husbands. I don't recall who kills whom more often. That's a good question. IIRC, I was shocked at how common it was for abusive wives to kill their husbands.
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a reply to: BO XIAN
I have enjoyed your recent "signs of" threads.

Thank you.

I am blessed with my best friend as my wife.

Thankfully we can not relate to this list.

I feel sorry for those that have things like this in their marriage and would encourage anyone who does to seriously re-evaluate their relationship.

ETA:

6. They're So Jealous It's Scary

It is so nice to be completely confident in your spouse. Never for an instant does worrying about who she is with cross my mind, or hers as she tells me.
I had an ex who was manic with jealousy and it always made me wonder what she was hiding.

I do NOT miss those days.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Good post. My younger brother is going through a divorce right now. His soon to be ex exhibited pretty much every behavior listed.

About 2 years into their marriage he started drinking, got in big trouble from poor choices and behaviors, but cleaned up, and has been sober and successfull for the last 5 years. The better he became the more resentful, and abusive she became, and left him for an abusive alcoholic.

I think he's learned his lesson though, and will make better choices in a partner this time around. Evidently she's got what she wants. A drunk, unemployed looser who has already cheated on her after only 2 months, and she's not leaving him. I wonder how that much stupid can reside in one head.

Went through #'s 2, 3, 4, 7, & 9 with my ex-fiancé for almost two years about two years ago. Don't know how I didn't notice it, considering most of how my dad, who noticed how my ex-fiancé was, was and has been; 1-5, & 7 (still trying to do 7 as much as possible). Just because you're smart and went to college doesn't mean much on recognizing when you are being mentally abused.
Mentally abusive partners, they often slowly sneak in these 9 abuses. They're so nice in the beginning and slowly start to manipulate you and your perceptions. So it's easy to get trapped into such a situation even if you believe it cannot happen to you because you are smart and ready. Went into another relationship last winter where #1 started creeping in only after about 3 months but she broke it off before she could really start to putting me down for wanting to join a light saber club.

originally posted by: misterhistory
Went through #'s 2, 3, 4, 7, & 9 with my ex-fiancé for almost two years about two years ago. Don't know how I didn't notice it

I would posit that many abusers aren't even aware themselves that they are doing it initially. Not many people go in to a relationship with that as their initial intent. These posts are good for people recognizing some of these bad qualities in themselves too.

S&F

a reply to: BO XIAN

It's easy to fall into an abusive situation... Emotional and physical alike. Once in the cycle, it's hard to see a way out. If you are lucky enough to make it out, you'll likely be scarred and have to explain certain seemingly "irrational" behavior. Try finding someone who knows and understands the struggle as there will be times you need support and if your so can't understand, things will likely get bitter very fast.

a reply to: BelowLowAnnouncement

That would be the case for sure with my parents. My dad can't even consider the fact he's being verbally and mentally abusive. He can't see it, probably from being in so much pain every day for years and years.

My ex-fiancé, not so sure. Could be that she was spoiled, not financially, but acted very spoiled from what I remember. Or some odd belief of being a victim and believing that she's owed for her victimization. No idea whatsoever and don't care.

a reply to: Binder

WOW. Alcoholism is a realllll deal breaker in such a list of ways.

Sigh.

Glad he is doing better.

I think we are learning in recent years . . . that the attachment disorder that fosters all addictions . . . is best helped by facilitating folks becoming ATTACHED [DOH!] to mentors, grandfather figures etc. etc. who sort of help reparent their emotional being into more of an adult status.

a reply to: stosh64

THANKS TONS for your encouragements.

Congrats on being married to your best friend. That's a wonderful goal and ideal. Great to see it realized in some cases!

Much appreciate your comments on this thread.

originally posted by: BelowLowAnnouncement
I would posit that many abusers aren't even aware themselves that they are doing it initially. Not many people go in to a relationship with that as their initial intent. These posts are good for people recognizing some of these bad qualities in themselves too.

S&F

Thanks for your encouragements.

That's an interesting issue.

I do not think that abusers are brain dead about their abusing, either. I think that their insecurities, resulting pride, anger, deep hurts, deep unfilled love-buckets etc. result in many such feeling ENTITLED to get whatever they feel they need to feel good or feel happy--and failing that--WELL--SOMEBODY'S GONNA PAY, BY GUM. And the handy spouse gets targeted.

I think they probably rationalize and relabel their abuse to facilitate their denial that they are abusing.

a reply to: SomeDumbBroad

AGREED. Well put.

Spouses need to realize EARLY ON that the jig is up--that things are rotten to the core--and GET OUT or at least get quality therapy.

None of this--it will get better stuff. None of this--Oh, but he's so nice afterwards when he's so guilty and sorry.

Sigh.

He's also a danger to your very life if things just "happen" to come down a critical way on one of his 'bad hair days.'

a reply to: misterhistory

Have the kids tried setting up a video camera in a corner on a tripod? or even hidden if legal . . . or merely just an audio recorder.

He'd quickly forget it and business as usual would go on. I'd guess a week of recording would reveal some powerful examples of his abuse.

Preferably with a therapist in a sort of family intervention kind of setting--then show him the video of him abusing your mom.

At this point, it's probably worth some extreme efforts to bring such BS to a halt. Certainly the mom does not deserve it going on and on endlessly until death.

imho.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Yes, and no to abusers being self aware of their abuse. Their is the concept of emotional and mental capacity. I have discovered there are people who truly lack the capacity for significant self awareness. Others are aware, but have leanings to the sociopathic side of the spectrum, and simply lack empathy. A good spouse/life partner consists of both emotional intelligence and empathy.

Every thing about my wife that annoys me I can trace back to a true desire for our mutual well being
I simply disagree on a very few fine points. Overall she is a genuinely wonderful person, and has the heart of a saint. (And the body of an angel, but I am shamelessly bragging.)

If you consistently doubt that your significant other is less than totally vested in your best interest, you are in the wrong relationship. Disagreement is unavoidable, but when you know your partner's heart they don't become major issues, or deal breakers.

a reply to: Binder

ABSOLUTELY INDEED.

EXCELLENT POINTS.

CONGRATS ON SUCH A WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP AND SUCH A WONDERFUL WIFE!

Sounds like she has a wonderful hubby, too.

I love your perceptive insights. They ring true, to me.

Certainly there are folks who wouldn't recognize an insight if it hit them upside the head with a 4"X4" pole.

Their self-awareness seems to almost be in the minus column.

It's a wonder they can tie their shoes or chew gum and walk straight--pretending that they do walk straight.

They can rail at their partner up one side and down the other at a shrill screech and volume

and then act so innocent and incredulous that their partner would have some angst about their screechy performance. Sheesh.

Thanks for your great contributions to the thread.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Less directed at my mom than at us "kids." For an intervention to work, his brother and sister would have to stand up to him as well and they are likely to just let him be because they don't have to deal with it as regularly as I do. He can't even understand how his words can hurt people, very hard time empathizing with people. It's an apparent trait from his father, both of which never seemed to grow out of one the later stages of development as described by psychology (don't remember which one but I'll look into my psych book later).

Also, I believe if there is a higher power, my dad is completely ignoring its constant signs and warning to him that he needs to change. I've never seen anyone go through so much trouble with practically every thing they do. Half of it is his own fault but some of it just boggles the mind how a person consistently gets into situations.

a reply to: misterhistory

imho,

It sure SOUNDS like he's experiencing a LOT of reaping what he's sown. And maybe even some generational stuff tumbling down hill like a snowball.

Sad. Very sad. My dad may well have been quite similar . . . oblivious--seemingly--to his negative impacts on people. Yet, at times, there were glimmers of guilt and sorrow over his chronic harshness.

Have you seen Marisa Peer's stuff.

I think it could be very powerful with your Dad. At least the 5 statements would effectively neutralize the poison in his words and he'd have to realize that at some level. That alone would alter the "game:"

www.youtube.com...

The 5 statements are on the thread hereon about her and that video. Maybe I'll track down the link after my shower.

Thanks for your kind reply.

Cheers.