Wedding Woes

a reply to: Tarzan the apeman.

Hey even mothers in law have a shelf life. By about their 35 anniversary I bet she's out of the picture. .
Patients all it takes is patients.

I'm going with the elopement plan.

But here's a twist. Pay someone to elope with the MIL - shouldn't cost you much more than the wedding she's hijacking

a reply to: AccessDenied

Good Morning, congrats on your daughter's upcoming wedding to her best friend, that's wonderful and the best way to start a marriage.

Throughout my years working as a floral designer I have seen these types of power struggles over and over, and more often then you might think with the Mother of the groom ! There seems to be some wacky dynamic that many Mother's of Sons go through when their Boy is about to marry. what's that old poem....

"A Daughters love you have for life, a Son's love till he finds a Wife"...lol...it's something like that...but it's makes these women nuts, I've seen it with my own sister and her son who is now in a serious relationship and approaching marriage age. It's an irrational , raw emotion your dealing with, that the MIL most likely is oblivious to herself.

Here are a few suggestions that might help....

1. ASAP plan a casual family event ( at a park, or neutral place ) with both the bride and grooms immediate family , friends involved with the wedding and possibly any "trades" helping with the wedding, depending on their relationship to the family. The stated purpose of this gathering is to bond with the significant others in each others life's, but also to HELP the bride and groom "brainstorm" about finalizing the details and also a "tasting" to finalize the menu.

2. Embrace her desserts, along with the cake....it's lovely to have other selections and perhaps little boxes for guests to take a dessert to go...It's a BIG deal in many cultures to make these extra desserts...lol...my Grandma wasn't allowing any of her kids to be married without Italian wedding cookies ! Give this one to her, make her feel special and important...lol...and keep her busy baking..

3. Ask her and your son and who ever else is involved in possible menu selections and food preparation to bring samples...her sandwiches may be delightful for cocktail hour, your families barbecue is perfect for a more substantial meal .....You're gonna win this one hands down when the MIL can't deny how much most of the family will enjoy the barbecue.....the Men's influence is important on this one too...unless she's a complete nut this should work.

4. Ask the Bride and Groom to each make a "wish list" of how they both see their Wedding Day going.....make it fun, have each one read out loud to the group....from there it opens the doors and changes the dynamics.....presumably now the "group" can give input to support the Bride and Groom , hopefully positive...but again unless the MIL is a nut, she'll yield to the FUN process and stick with the plan to HELP the Bride and Groom Finalize the details and leave HAPPY !

5. Hopefully her 3 granddaughters are involved in the wedding in some way...give her a lot of say so on dressing them and couching them....there's nothing cuter then kids in weddings.....it's an important job only SHE can do right....lol...keeps her busy...:wink:

6. Take a breath and remember that if you help your daughter pull this off and keep her husbands Mother happy, while also claiming her place in his life she will be his hero forever. Your daughter has everything to gain by "winning" this woman over by asserting herself in a way that can allow them both to support the Man they both Love. Again unless she's a complete nut, it's possible...she did raise a son that is good to your child.

GOOD LUCK !!! Feel free to IM me any questions you might have about wedding planning or just to chat.....I've been told I'm very good at this !

My wedding started out this way, and my husband and I more or less eloped.

My mother started planning the wedding and wouldn't hear of letting me pick my wedding party and arrange it my way because ... tradition.

His step-mother wanted the wedding planned in a city halfway between the two families because it was "fair" even though I knew nothing at all about that city.

I had no interest in planning that stupid thing beyond wanting a minister. So that's what I did. My husband was completely supportive after I told him if we wanted the wedding, he could plan it. I was out!

So we got a minister, a chapel, told everyone when we were saying vows, and that was that.

My mother did plan a reception for us later, and we went. It worked.

In the end, you tell your daughter that it's supposed to be her day, and that's she's the one who needs to be happy. If making her mother-in-law happy is what will make her happy ... sobeit. If she needs to do something else, like tell her mother-in-law where to stick a few times, you support that too.

a reply to: AccessDenied

And that right there, is where I worry. Because if she is this way over wedding details...I fear how she will deal with bigger life changes and how manipulative she will be.

Hit the nail on the head

Maybe a touch of BFFT love from the groom is called for ? I love my wife with my very being, I had to step in and cancel all the plans my mother and her's made, our wedding (both of us second time) was myself the cuddle monster, my best mate and hers as witnesses.

The cuddle monster had had her day as a princess the first time around so it was all about us, and I guess that's the point.

US

It's your daughter and future son in law's (sounds like a very fine fellow) day.

To stand up to my mum was terrifying, but I did, and my MIL was mortified that I put my foot down, BUT, they both knew that US was more important than their dreams for our day.

My MIL has a massive respect for me now, trusts me and knows the only interest I have in her daughter is the best I can do for her future.

Cody

originally posted by: MountainLaurel
a reply to: AccessDenied

Good Morning, congrats on your daughter's upcoming wedding to her best friend, that's wonderful and the best way to start a marriage.

Throughout my years working as a floral designer I have seen these types of power struggles over and over, and more often then you might think with the Mother of the groom ! There seems to be some wacky dynamic that many Mother's of Sons go through when their Boy is about to marry. what's that old poem....

"A Daughters love you have for life, a Son's love till he finds a Wife"...lol...it's something like that...but it's makes these women nuts, I've seen it with my own sister and her son who is now in a serious relationship and approaching marriage age. It's an irrational , raw emotion your dealing with, that the MIL most likely is oblivious to herself.

Here are a few suggestions that might help....

1. ASAP plan a casual family event ( at a park, or neutral place ) with both the bride and grooms immediate family , friends involved with the wedding and possibly any "trades" helping with the wedding, depending on their relationship to the family. The stated purpose of this gathering is to bond with the significant others in each others life's, but also to HELP the bride and groom "brainstorm" about finalizing the details and also a "tasting" to finalize the menu.

2. Embrace her desserts, along with the cake....it's lovely to have other selections and perhaps little boxes for guests to take a dessert to go...It's a BIG deal in many cultures to make these extra desserts...lol...my Grandma wasn't allowing any of her kids to be married without Italian wedding cookies ! Give this one to her, make her feel special and important...lol...and keep her busy baking..

3. Ask her and your son and who ever else is involved in possible menu selections and food preparation to bring samples...her sandwiches may be delightful for cocktail hour, your families barbecue is perfect for a more substantial meal .....You're gonna win this one hands down when the MIL can't deny how much most of the family will enjoy the barbecue.....the Men's influence is important on this one too...unless she's a complete nut this should work.

4. Ask the Bride and Groom to each make a "wish list" of how they both see their Wedding Day going.....make it fun, have each one read out loud to the group....from there it opens the doors and changes the dynamics.....presumably now the "group" can give input to support the Bride and Groom , hopefully positive...but again unless the MIL is a nut, she'll yield to the FUN process and stick with the plan to HELP the Bride and Groom Finalize the details and leave HAPPY !

5. Hopefully her 3 granddaughters are involved in the wedding in some way...give her a lot of say so on dressing them and couching them....there's nothing cuter then kids in weddings.....it's an important job only SHE can do right....lol...keeps her busy...:wink:

6. Take a breath and remember that if you help your daughter pull this off and keep her husbands Mother happy, while also claiming her place in his life she will be his hero forever. Your daughter has everything to gain by "winning" this woman over by asserting herself in a way that can allow them both to support the Man they both Love. Again unless she's a complete nut, it's possible...she did raise a son that is good to your child.

GOOD LUCK !!! Feel free to IM me any questions you might have about wedding planning or just to chat.....I've been told I'm very good at this !

Thank you so much for offering your expertise. I really appreciate it. I can understand the mother/son dynamic, as I have adult sons as well. A get together before the wedding was in the plans, a rehearsal dinner...but we have not finalized any details. Yes, the grandchildren are involved in the wedding. So far we have incorporated everything my daughter wishes the day to be, extras were added to please the MIL. *sigh. I'm breathing still..but likely won't exhale on the day of the nuptials till it's over...

a reply to: cody599

After reading the replies in this thread yesterday, I spoke with my daughter last night. A couple of the suggestions made by Clownfish went over very well. I believe it has come to the point for both my daughter and her fiancee to be assertive , and it may be the first step, but an important one. I don't feel it's my place to do so, just yet..but theirs. Perhaps little by little MIL will back off and realize her adult son has every right to make his own decisions and choices. I'm sure she will back peddle a bit here and there, but one can have optimism.Thanks for your support Cody.

a reply to: AccessDenied

You know I'm always here AD

Glad to hear that some of the advice here went over well, I think you're right to stay away for now, very wise. But yes you are correct, it's time for them to be assertive.

After all every mother should be proud the day her son truly becomes a man.

I'm sure mine will be

Cody

a reply to: MountainLaurel

I heard a son is a son til he takes him a wife a daughter is a daughter all of her life.

As mother of the groom I was more than happy to sit back and let my daughter in law and her mother plan the whole thing.
All I had to do was buy a new dress.

And it's MOM FOR THE WIN!!!!
Houston...we have an elopement!

a reply to: AccessDenied

YAY

Common sense prevailed

Congrats and wishing them well.

originally posted by: AccessDenied
And it's MOM FOR THE WIN!!!!
Houston...we have an elopement!

It's a small step for man..................... A giant leap into manhood

Cody

ETA: Congratulations to the young couple..........................Your daughter chose wisely, may their future be full of love, life and laughter.

a reply to: AccessDenied

I used to be a wedding planner and floral designer.Bottom-line...
It is your daughter's and her fiance's wedding.What they want
should be considered,not momzilla.

nothing i love more than sticking it to the man. and elopement is absolutely sticking it to the man.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
nothing i love more than sticking it to the man. and elopement is absolutely sticking it to the man.

I wholeheartedly agree!

Wedding is the bride's day (and yeah, the couple, but really the bride's).

What she wants, she gets (assuming whomever can pay for it)....

Simple as that really.

If someone's being a controlling bitch, need to call her out on it.
If she's the one footing the bill....a bit more difficult, but then a decision needs to be made.
Her way, or the bride's way, and you pay for things another way, etc.

In nearly every case, the controlling one will capitulate to again be involved in the planning, but now with boundaries.