Wedding Woes

I suppose this could equally qualify as a rant...but I'm more frustrated than angry.
My daughter is getting married this July to a wonderful man who started out as a best friend to her and literally treats her like gold. On all accounts, he has my seal of approval...except one....his mother.
When my daughter and her boyfriend announced the wedding, it was because she insisted upon a wedding. Now she is also pressuring for grandchildren. (She has three grand daughters who live with her as does her daughter). When it comes to planning the wedding,she wants everything to be how she wants it because it's her son. Where it takes place, the reception, the food , the music..all of it has been a fight, struggle, argue and compromise, all to please her majesty. My daughter has had moments where she was so frustrated and overwhelmed that she and her fiance nearly eloped. I have tried to be supportive and suggestive for my daughter's sake, but I'm a hands off type of parent when it comes to these types of situations. I feel more it is her fiancee's responsibility to stand up to his mother, but she is childish and manipulative and on more than one occasion has threatened to not come to the wedding at all . It works with him every time, sadly.
At first my daughter asked for help from both of us to make the plans, create the menu, etc. But she refused to work with me on a one on one basis, and would send messages (demands) through my daughter to me. So I just gave up. I love my daughter, and I wish to support her on her most special day, but I can't work with the drama this woman brings to the table and I fear for the future years, of family gatherings, and when grandchildren come into the picture that it will be a battle royal between her and I and our poor kids in the middle. I don't know if there is any advice out there on how to deal with this, but I just really needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

a reply to: AccessDenied

I understand and sympathize.

Sounds like she's a bit of a control freak.

I'm probably not the best one to offer advice but it seems like you have two options; bite your tongue and ride it out till after the wedding or sit down with her and tell her how it is.

Me, I'm a straight talking sort of guy and would probably be pretty blunt......but that may not be the best approach.

Being the sort of fellow I am, I'd have to tell her face to face that this isn't her wedding and that she needs to back off.

Since when is a wedding more about the groom than the bride? Most grooms don't care how it happens as long as it happens.

a reply to: AccessDenied

Oh boy, that's an ugly situation.

My advice to you would be to just step back, bite your tongue, do whatever you're told (by whomever barks the orders at you), put on your fake happy smile whilst lending a helping hand in what ever it is you can do, and just let it be water off of a duck's back.

And keep reminding yourself: the wedding will be over and done with soon enough and you won't have to deal directly with "Motherzilla" any further.

This is your daughter's day, so the best thing you can do for her is to be her calm rock in the storm.

Another words, she'll need you as her sounding board for every time motherzilla drives her crazy between now and the wedding day... someone who can bring her back to sanity amidst the chaos.




Either that, or.....



Light a pale pink candle at the stroke of midnight during the full moon, rub a quartz crystal counterclockwise around your belly button three times...

And pray to the cosmic gawds that the kids decide to elope instead.

WARNING....WARNING...THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!


Tell your daughter she needs to nip this in the bud FAST. Yes, even to the point of the mother skipping the wedding. If she does not stand up now, the mother will run their lives and make them miserable.
Mommy has her little boy around her finger and will continue to manipulate him the rest of her life.
I speak from experience of having a mother in law like that and it will ruin the marriage if he gives in to her all the time. And, from the sound of it, he will. The trouble is just getting started and if they let her get away with this, she will keep doing it and I can almost guarantee it will end in divorce.

Mother in laws!!!

The day will come when your daughter will have to stand yup for herself. You can't do it. It will only cause issues between the three of them. Let your daughter handle it and when she has had enough, she will finally snap and take care of it herself.

Trust me... I've been there. It took me a few years. Since then I have had ZERO issues.

Meddling from you may cause issues between her and her fiancee whether it is warranted or not. I know it's hard to sit back and watch it, but your daughter is a grown woman now. She will have to figure out how to deal with this person she will see often. She may be able to get her husband to do it, but it will never stick until she does it herself. In my experience, respect came out of the ordeal.

Folks like to lord authority over those that will take it. When your daughter stops it... she will stop. Right now your daughter doesn't want to have to do it, but she will. The day will come when she has had enough and the MIL can like it or lump it, but her husband can forgive her for it faster than he can forgive you if you do it.

Good luck. It'll happen.

Thanks for all the replies and advice...
A control freak is an understatement. The fact that her daughter lives with her with three kids of her own, speaks volumes of how she manipulates others. I had a feeling that now is the better time to bite my tongue, and just be the listening, sympathetic ear for my daughter. The day of the wedding will tell for certain how well that goes...face to face with her, if the MIL ruins the day, I may not be able to keep myself in check. she is so twisted though, that would likely turn the blame on me. Ugh...
Cranial Sponge...I like your magical idea, and I might just put that thought away for future use...
I know this for certain..at some point this woman is going to go one step too far, and I'm going to go all "mama bear" for the sake of my daughter and let her have it. I guarantee it won't be pretty. For now, I'll be diplomatic. Double UGH.

Good morning!

(I’ve seen your Avatar before…so pretty!…You are like gift wrap, and I wonder what’s inside.)

Note to self…focus, woman…(I’m rushing to my computer, uncombed hair, stinky, fighting all the way because I forbade myself to post this morning!!! I’ve got to move out of the old place and paying double rent…)

Focus…

You have great advice above! Their life together will be a different matter but right now...the wedding...

I had a mother from hell and then a mother-in-law from hell. I know that’s not nice to say, but sometimes the truth isn’t nice….um…don’t like that…everything happens for a reason and I wouldn’t be here, writing this to you if they weren’t part of the journey…

The thing is, they had never met and were going to meet at our wedding. Talk about sweating bullets. They both thought my breathing was a waste of fresh air and they bonded over their mutual disdain. I had to pretend that none of it bothered me, as that was my only containment tool on them.

The issue was this thing about big reception tables and the large table for the bride and groom and the other VIPs of the wedding, meaning pretty much starting our first meal in a poison sandwich. That was the one thing that I lost the most sleep over. I could just see myself sitting there, looking miserable…and then I had an idea…

I arranged, in the midst of all these big round tables to seat eight (thank God, our friends loved us both) to have a tiny, romantic, square table for two set up smack dab in the middle of the room. It had the same flowers that all the other tables had, but less and in a smaller vase. To make it more special, even though everyone else had nice wine glasses, we purchased two very beautiful glasses to drink from on our first meal together as husband and wife, and then, we continued to toast our life together on every anniversary with those same glasses. What was an unexpected benefit was that I couldn't see, hear or feel all the nasty comments off to the side "grown ups" table...all I could feel were those tables of friends around us and all I could see was the man I loved, smiling at me. That was almost 42 years ago and counting...but it was yesterday.

Anyway…you might run that idea past her. Our mothers actually accepted it when I told them that we wanted to have this “romantic table” of just the two of us. Years later, someone told me that they hated weddings but ours was the best they had attended. Lots of funny stories about it, but…

Good luck! You can always PM me if you need to vent privately…


CF

My future mother in law tried to get too involved in the wedding process.

A quick application of the camel clutch made her a bit more understanding and compliant. Now we joke about it.

The wedding that is, not the camel clutch.

a reply to: ClownFish

Thanks for the reply Clownfish, and my first smile of the day at your post.
I LOVE the idea of a table for two...now just to convince the bride and groom that MIL's seating arrangement just isn't going to fly...
The biggest hang up right now, is agreeing on a menu. The guest list is small, about 75 people, as is the venue.
But in that list we have some that need gluten free, and some are strict vegan. The rest are ordinary meat and potatoes people. Considering it's July, a big hot sit down meal just doesn't seem feasible. SHE offered to make simple sandwiches and extra desserts, only. UGH So I guess a gluten free, vegan diet includes meat sandwiches in her world, and I totally don't understand extra desserts when there will be a professionally made wedding cake. My son (who is a professional cook) offered to make a variety of salads and dips and my husband and I offered to bring our BBQ and a choice of meats so as to cater to all... but she didn't want that. I'm at a loss... and at this point I'd PAY for the kids to elope...

my advice: get out of the middle and stay out.

even better: sneak some cash into your daughters hand and encourage her to elope with her husband. it'll make her marriage better in the long run if the two of them establish a strong boundary for the MIL

But NEVER come between a momma and her boy. unless you are the boys love interest. Thats the only one that can stand a chance against mom.

originally posted by: bigfatfurrytexan
my advice: get out of the middle and stay out.

even better: sneak some cash into your daughters hand and encourage her to elope with her husband. it'll make her marriage better in the long run if the two of them establish a strong boundary for the MIL

But NEVER come between a momma and her boy. unless you are the boys love interest. Thats the only one that can stand a chance against mom.

BFFT..I'm quite happy to stay out of the middle...I just wish SHE would. His relationship with his mother is not my concern...her trying to run/ruin my daughter's life is. I can only be the shoulder to cry on for so long before I'm going blow. As for them eloping ..I'm all for it, but the groom wouldn't do that to his mother I'm sure, because she would throw a tantrum of epic proportions, and use extremely ugly tactics to garner sympathy for her poor little feelings over it.

a reply to: Kangaruex4Ewe

my father in law loves to apply catholic guilt to his family. After being married to my wife for 20 years, i can get away with making fun of him when he starts the old 'oh poor me, you guys never come to see me" crap. something like "You know Joe, you're right. We had a real good streak going, and now we've ruined it".

When the wife and i first got married, she'd come back from her parents house for an evening visit crying on occasion. Maybe once a month or so. She wouldn't want to tell me about it because she knew it'd piss me off. After about a year of this, i put it all together and called my FIL.

what started as a polite request to treat my wife with common respect ended with me bluntly telling him, "If she comes home crying again because you wanted to guilt trip her, you will eat my fist while your ass eats my foot"

Never another issue out of him. He didn't take it quietly....and it made visits over there awkward for a few years. but it also made my MIL love me just a bit more. I was over there last weekend installing a camera security system for him, making sure he had it on his phone, too. So it ended well.

a reply to: AccessDenied

In my eyes a wedding is all about the bride, call me old fashioned but it is her special day, her time to be a princess to her prince.

Just as thought why not encourage to elope secretly with those the THEY want at their wedding, and do what THEY want to do, just let the MIL know at the very last possible minute.

Hey presto dream wedding, OK one really miffed MIL, but hey she'll get over it and learn not to mess in the relationship at the the same time.

Like I said just a thought

Cody

a reply to: AccessDenied

The dreaded mother in law.......dun dun dunnnn!!! The only advise I can give would put someone in jail. We'll just leave it at that.

a reply to: AccessDenied

Okay...you're going to get me in so much trouble here, but my hair's combed at least...now I'm forbidding myself to open the ATS site for the rest of the day...well, maybe 'till noon...damn I can't lie...maybe five minutes?

Try putting something like this into your own vernacular, while relaxing you jaw muscles:

"I had a laugh this morning and I wanted to share it with you." (Inside, her jaw will drop, but you won't see it, but that's good, because you've got her off balance, pun intended, and you have her open curiosity...so, now continue...) "We have something in common. We both love our children, we both want the best for them... and we both see each other as the mother-in-law! Custom dictates that the bride's family makes the arrangements but we want to include you...(Don't forget to relax your jaw, especially here!)...Let's do this. We'll have two buffet tables. We can use your expertise in preparing a vegan buffet and we'll be responsible for the meat lover's buffet."

Now, she'll know, or suspect, that's code for, "growl" so time yourself and gather your most sincere relaxed jaw moment, and quickly add, "That would be great, because we can direct the allergy problems to you, too! What do you think?"

I had to force myself to add that last sentence. But it is inclusive rather than exclusive, and I think that's her biggest fear, which is already manifesting...but that's another thread. You might need two responses ready on either side of your jaw: "That's great!" (Don't accidentally say 'growl')...or..."You know, I'd hate to see them elope..."

And then be dead silent. Let her say whatever she wants. Just smile, but in dead silence...unless you feel an embraceable transformation taking place.

I do know how you feel! When you see that golden opportunity to cremate your opponent, well, that's when you have to muster up the best you have. Some call it "burning everything that isn't love"...but that's another thread. You are obviously an intelligent woman. Use your talent and imagination to challenge yourself into turning this into a memorable occasion, in a good way, mind you -- and keep a sense of humor. Trust me, sometimes that's all you've got!


CF

originally posted by: cody599
a reply to: AccessDenied

In my eyes a wedding is all about the bride, call me old fashioned but it is her special day, her time to be a princess to her prince.

Just as thought why not encourage to elope secretly with those the THEY want at their wedding, and do what THEY want to do, just let the MIL know at the very last possible minute.

Hey presto dream wedding, OK one really miffed MIL, but hey she'll get over it and learn not to mess in the relationship at the the same time.

Like I said just a thought

Cody

I agree Cody, I'm of the old fashioned sort...and my daughter's fiancee really is like most men, and feels his only task for the wedding is to show up. lol So that leaves my daughter having to try to compromise with how she envisions her special day, and how the MIL is dictating it will go. So far my only action has been diffusing situations between the two and trying to make alternate suggestions to disagreements. Yay... Not how I pictured my role in the process at all. In my opinion she is truly overstepping her bounds as mother of the groom and treating the wedding as if it is her own. My daughter sadly feels the same way. She bends to her will to avoid a conflict between her fiancee and his mother. And that right there, is where I worry. Because if she is this way over wedding details...I fear how she will deal with bigger life changes and how manipulative she will be. I have no idea how she raised such a fine son, and to be sure his sense of loyalty to her is somewhat admirable...but there are just no boundaries to her involvement. Lord help me get through the next 90 days and keep somewhat of my sanity...

a reply to: ClownFish

LOVE the way you post Clownfish...and think! The idea of two buffet tables is genius! All this time we have been trying to agree on one menu for all. I think that is the best solution all around and hopefully will diffuse any further disagreements. Of course I can fully expect her to be changing her mind over the course of the next couple of months, but I'll be sticking to my guns and that is that. She may have dictated everything else, but she cannot tell me what food to bring to my own daughter's wedding. Thank you so much for your suggestions Clownfish, and I will be discussing the table for two idea with my daughter today. Glad you at least got your hair combed while dealing with my drama...and watch that ATS addiction...trust me it sneaks up on you, and before you know it hours are gone and you don't care about the hair on your head at all.

a reply to: AccessDenied

Tell her traditionally the bride's family has all the say so as they usually pay.

a reply to: AccessDenied

Don't give up. Your daughter is only going to have this one big wedding. Don't let the monster in law ruin it for her. Don't you let your daughter fight this battle alone.
The two of you sound sweet and mild and it's time to embrace your inner bitch. Pull her out and mop the floor with the witch.
Otherwise there will be regrets to live with.
Be the mama bear, be the mama tiger.