10 Weird Things That Predict Divorce, According To Science, Because There's Another Reason ...

Amanda Chatel
April 24, 2015 Lifestyle

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"10 Weird Things That Predict Divorce, According To Science, Because There's Another Reason Your 45-Minute Commute Is Ruining Your Life"

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www.bustle.com...

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According to experts, there are many behaviors that can predict divorce. Some are completely obvious, like when the person you married slept with all your friends then ran off with your sister. Then there are other things, like finances— which is statistically the number-one thing couples argue about. While both these and a plethora of other reasons make total sense in regards to why some people might call it quits, there are other, more absurd reasons people might opt for divorce … you know, like having a daughter.
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1. Having an online affair
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2. Spending More Than $20,000 On Your Wedding
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5. Having A Commute Longer Than 45 Minutes
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7. Rolling Your Eyes At Your Partner [This one is actually very significant--a sign of underlying demeaning disgust with the other person]
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Now, PLEASE folks . . . this is a generic, generalized thing. One could have several such items true in their life and still maintain a durable long term relationship. I say--"could." The odds might be otherwise but there are exceptions to general relationship findings all the time. In other words--avoid freaking out if you score in the critical direction on a few items. Now, more than 2-3, I'd be getting some marriage counseling, if it was me--but mileage may vary.

I think the paragraph discussions of each item are important and give plenty of rational support for why each item is significant toward the risk of divorce.

I am skeptical that correcting any 1-3 items would prevent divorce in and of itself. I think the underlying dynamics involved would need addressed as well as merely stopping the item being true.

Personally, I think that PRIDE, selfishness, self-pity, insecurity are the major causes of divorce. And those tend to come from . . . wait for it . . . ding ding ding--right . . . Attachment Disorder.

I'll tell you three reasons for getting a divorce. One is getting married. Another is getting married too young and finally, not being in love.

Let alone known what love is in the first place. No wonder we spend so much on ceremonies. In lieu of actually understanding love, make a big production of "our love", in everyones eyes its a firmer commitment, look how much they demonstrate their love, what a lavish wedding. They really out did themselves.

The vows especially. I promise to always and never, forever… you can't promise that.
Nobody knows what thick and thin may arise, or if each is capable of forgiving mistakes, until you get there.
Are you honest? "Screw" up and see. Will you forgive them for that?

We'll see…

Everybody makes mistakes, but not in them vows…

Actually learning to love takes a life time. Lust, on the other hand is a young compulsion. You don't make love, you have sex. Everyone 'falls' in love. The marriage isn't a document, commitment or ceremony, its a lifetime of proven, earned tolerance, acceptance and overlooking ones transgressions as long as they are honest and forgiving, too.

a reply to: intrptr

imho, those are excellent points. Thanks.

Feelings come and go.

I like the great book on co-dependency . . . the title: LOVE IS A CHOICE.

WHEN Love is a persistently active choice--to put the object of one's love first--their welfare first--without unfitting self-deprecation--then that's contributive of a long term relationship.

Getting married for the wrong and shallow reasons is certainly a short route to divorce.

Thanks for a thoughtful and meaty post.

a reply to: BO XIAN

i hope it doesn't happen to me!

Good thing I live in a blue state, and am willing to do the dishes (or 50% of other household chores)

a reply to: intrptr

I don't fault EARNEST and heart-felt confession of idealistic vows. Many folks promise grand things and learned by good rearing to back up their promises--virtually to the death--that their word is their bond.

Others promise glibly without any clue about what they are really saying--and virtually no record of a good follow-through at any point in their earlier life. Such folks are an accident waiting to happen in the marriage world.

Our era is full of folks who have no clue about a commitment longer than however long a condom lasts.

Their parents let them down.
Their teachers let them down.
National leaders are/were a farce.
Friends were fickle.
The media is full of dark death memes and cheats.

Where are the ideals left, much at all?

It's an:
--'if it feels good, do it.'
--'If it stops feeling good, stop it.'
--Instant gratification . . .
--If it ain't CURRENTLY COOL, forget it . . .
--If it takes personal sacrifice for a greater good--forget it.
--If they have to focus longer than a twitter tweet . . . forget it.

Folks have little to no clue about real Love and the costs and benefits of it.

a reply to: BO XIAN

I'm not sure there is anything profound in that article. Most of it is pretty obvious I believe.

I was glad to see the thing about expensive weddings on there because it slightly confirms what I have thought for years about that. I've seen people (usually the bride to be) go absolutely nuts over there wedding to the point where it starts to become clear they get lost, focusing so much on THE DAY and forget about the subsequent decades. Once they get past that day, everything just seems, I dunno, dull or anticlimactic to them.

I don't know that I agree too much about the commuter one. It does represent a strain on a relationship, but we've been in a commuter footing pretty much all our active married lives.

We've just never gotten into a situation where we could both find good jobs closer than 40 to 50 minutes one way for him and slightly less the other way for me. We live about halfway in the middle. We agree his job is most important and puts the food on the table but that it's not quite enough to do it alone. His will always take precedence, and we understand that these are the things we do to make it work.

We've been doing it now for almost 20 years.

But if you think long commutes put on a strain ... my parents did a stint while my sister and I were young where she did full-time nights and he did full-time days so that one parent could always be home for us. I would think that would be much more stress on a marriage, but they are still happily together.

a reply to: FamCore

I did about as good as I knew how to do and my RN wife still decided to marry her co-worker.

However, I didn't know how to have FUN in bed. I don't think she did, either. And, he was a much more MACHO type guy. Knowing what I know now--had I known it then--I might have been able to make it last. I knew a lot. Tried a lot. But I didn't make the grade. She did say, on signing our last joint tax refund a year later: "You're a good man." Was better than her saying the opposite. LOL.

I do think that WHEN FOLKS--BOTH FOLKS are determined to stay together and grow together--they will find a way to do that. If they get toooo intense about the 'cost-benefit analysis,' then they are in trouble, headed for more trouble.

Sometimes one side can court and woo the other side into a deeper commitment. I think that takes a LOT of humility, self-sacrifice and servant-heartedness.

a reply to: eluryh22

Good points.

I think, too, the bride may be all gah-gah about the

idea of love and marriage.

The emptiness in her gut/soul is temporarily filled by all the drama, expense and hoopla. And she pretends that

THAT'S evidence of love.

No. It's evidence of Attachment Disorder neediness filled with shallow fluff and drama.

It's like a grand wedding briefly proves to her that she's FINALLY worth breathing air and taking up space.

No. It doesn't. It proves you succeeded in manipulating a grand wedding out of some money pockets--who may have been coughing the coins up because of their own guilt over loving the daughter insufficiently all her growing up.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Folks have little to no clue about real Love and the costs and benefits of it.

True love, like true friendship is earned, imo. its proven over time. I think the whole ceremony in a church before god and everyone puts too big a demand on it.

If it was more casual like, hey babe lets get together and see how it goes, then they can relax and try to grow a firmer commitment over time. Just declaring eternal love from the gate ruins it. People stay in a bad relationship too long because of them vows they took. Instead of saying whelp hey, we gave it a shot, thanks for the ride and moving on.

Theres all this stigma with marrying and divorce, people are too serious, its too programmed, like everything else, an education, being saved, a career….

geez, lighten up.

Again, in my opinion.

a reply to: ketsuko

I think that it's like most things in life

it's our RESPONSEs to them that makes the critical difference.

In an already strained tenuous marriage . . . a long commute could break the camel's back.

a reply to: intrptr

I'm not sure what statistics show currently.

They used to show that folks who shacked up before marriage, had a much higher divorce rate than those that did not.

It's sort of like . . .

Hey, yeah, I'll move in with you and share my whole body with you and we'll see how well we scratch each others' . . . itches.

Just keep in mind that I'll always have one foot out the door and I know you will, too.

How's that a set-up for maximum length of the relationship?

a reply to: intrptr

Ah, but how much of that is society and social conditioning?

How often do we see the "happily ever after" trope played out in media where the guy and the gal get together and after no time at all they fall into love/lust with one another and at the end of it all the screen fades to black with the implication that the two will have sunshine, rainbows and roses forever after? Just that simple?

In reality it takes time (usually ... some of us DO have love at first sight, but it's hardly typical) to get to know someone and you shouldn't be taking any vows of undying love before then. If you can't stand to be together as friends (not lovers, friends), then you don't stand a chance after the first blush of lust dies, and it will.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Just keep in mind that I'll always have one foot out the door and I know you will, too.

How's that a set-up for maximum length of the relationship?

Well then you know that person isn't the commitment type (if thats what you want) and move on. You find out beforehand.

originally posted by: BO XIAN
a reply to: ketsuko

I think that it's like most things in life

it's our RESPONSEs to them that makes the critical difference.

In an already strained tenuous marriage . . . a long commute could break the camel's back.

I tend to agree with that. Well, not that commute would be the final straw, but in general, ANYTHING that causes stress on a frequent and recurring basis has the potential to chip away at a marriage simply by the fact that anything that puts person A in a bad mood is going to be unwelcome to person B.

a reply to: ketsuko

Ah, but how much of that is society and social conditioning?

Like everything else…

…stuck in Platos Cave. Interesting, you mentioned the happy ending on screen, sorta like shadows dancing on the cave wall.

a reply to: BO XIAN

I think the biggest cause of divorce is when one or both parties stop working at the relationship.

My relationship with my wife is not the same when we were both young. It has evolved and grown. But we still work at it, we still put up with each other and we are now looking forward to being old together.

a reply to: ketsuko

But if you think long commutes put on a strain ... my parents did a stint while my sister and I were young where she did full-time nights and he did full-time days so that one parent could always be home for us. I would think that would be much more stress on a marriage, but they are still happily together.

That is precisely where my better half and I are.... I'm in construction so I'm 7AM to 3PM and she's working in the hospital working 5PM to 1AM. The most stressful part for me are those days when I'm simply exhausted and as soon as I walk in the door the kid is rip-rearing to go. THAT is tough.

However, overall I can't say the arrangement is really stressful. It's a very ODD existence at times. In a way I think it actually helps us in the sense that we have a chance to miss each other. Absence makes the heart beat fonder, and all that.

a reply to: BO XIAN

i vote money since it is the root of all evil and all, also based on personnel experience

Don't give up!

Couples need to seek marriage counciling before getting married, it's not easy or all romance, passion, roses, forget it.

As my grandma said "It's hard work child" and she put in 36 years of it, a mixed bag of problems, but still stayed and they both matured together.