Lack of confidence and trouble getting out of my comfort zone.

The desire to meet someone is there, I long for it.
I can't seem to escape my comfort zone, and muster up the confidence to even say hi.

I've always been shy, but lately it seems to have gotten worse. I've been isolating. The fear of rejection is a huge hindrance for me. It shouldn't be right...?
Who cares...move on, they say.

I haven't even taken the opportunity to get rejected.

A little about me:
24 year old guy...I have a job, car all that crap. My mom says I'm handsome..hahaha.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, 60 days sober.....I would isolate and drink myself stupid frequently. I drank a lot, everyday.

My head is clear, and things are generally going great in life......but NO confidence. None. Zero. I don't know why.

It's not like I have been unsuccessful in the past....
I'm not trying to be pitiful....I just want get out of this comfort zone.

What have you done?
Any advice?

Thanks.
Llmacgregor

I was always a shy guy myself.

For confidence I've held on to two mantras: The first being my dad telling me I am smart enough to do whatever I want.
The second being "Everyone is making it up as they go along."

More than that general advice I wont give in a public thread. But feel free to PM if you want to talk.

I am going to give you an answer here that will get a whole lot of negative reaction from a mass majority of this site, but maybe the insomnia is just getting to me.

1. Find a faith, ANY faith that you can tolerate.
2. Participate Do not worry about finding love, It will find you.
3. Get to the point you are enjoying yourself with out Destroying yourself.
4. If your doing it because you found enjoyment the way you will look to others will change, for some messed up reason when your having fun women (or Men if that is your thing) seem to find honest fun to be Sexy (not put on fun and fake smiles and laughter but honest fun) I have not figured that out but that seems to be the key.

The reason for Number 1 which is counter to many of the domga of the "intelligent" is not really the worship of things unseen but the Socialization of being around others. The reason I said ANY faith, it can work in any faith if your around those who believe in not the letter of but the spirit or intended meaning of the faith (shock of all shocks even when drilled otherwise any faith can be good and any faith can fail, the key is that is what you trust and believe with your heart and soul... the faith of a mustard seed and all that yada yada) then you will find a strange calm around them and find you can relax enough to start having real fun.

Number 4 is the secret, but number one is the tool to relax to the point that number four can happen. It is a rare person whom can relax with out being around others of a similar mind set.

Something to chew on while enjoying a Java... not going to recomend a your on the wagon, and KUDOS for that.

CoBaZ

There seem to be a lot of people like you out there. Hell, take a chance, the worst someone can say is no. Then move on to someone else and try again. If you stay in your comfort zone you won't get anywhere, but if you take that chance, you may just end up happy and fulfilled.

You're no different than anyone else, you put your pants on the same way as anyone else. LOL People are people, no better than you. You are just as worthy of love as anyone else. Find that tiger inside and let him out! Go get 'em tiger! Sorry, feeling a little silly tonight, it's late.

Honestly, find that confidence! It's in there somewhere. There may be someone who is already interested in you but are too afraid themselves to approach you.

You sound like myself. My peers are largely boring so I seek the company of older people for conversation, primarily on this site. How to find love, or for love to find you? Well, I can't say because I don't think there is an absolute truth, but from personal experience it seems being yourself works.

Start Jiu Jitsu (or I guess some other martial art). Seriously. It takes you completely out of any comfort zone you have and gives you confidence. Not the confidence that you can defend yourself (that comes later), but the confidence that you can go into a room with a bunch of people you don't know and do things that are wildly uncomfortable. Just get through the door and try it a few times. If you don't get hooked by the 5th time, it's probably not for you, but I guarantee if you can make it that many times it will boost your confidence level, even if you stop. Especially if you're out of shape. Boxing, BJJ, Muay Thai, Judo, do one of the good ones and you will build confidence if you stick with it, and even if you only do it a few times most people aren't brae enough to get that sweaty and close to someone else they don't know.

Get some confidence. Dude that 60 days of sobriety is AWESOME! I have trouble with a week. Take that and turn it into other confidence boosters, you fought that crap off for 3 MONTHS! Now Start working out for 3 months. reddit.com/r/progresspics really helped me lose weight and put on some muscle. Confidence boost. Starting to see stomach muscles.

Take some classes at a local community college. I'm the creepy old man at 31, you have an opportunity to meet some cool people, some nice girls, and learn something. You can take night classes, if you can't afford it I bet there is a program that will significantly decrease the cost, and worse case scenario you get to learn something!

Volunteer. You'll feel better about yourself, and you'll meet people. Maybe a nice girl, maybe a guy that has a sister.

If you have a car, a job and a Mom that loves you, you're doing a lot better than a ton of your peers. That should be a confidence boost.

Oh and dude, the worst thing that can happen is that you get rejected. WE ALL GET REJECTED! No one cares. Your friends will give you a hard time for a minute, you'll feel embarrassed, but at least you aren't the guy that was always too scared to try.

Tell us about your Mom and Dad. Its very important. Tell us who was the boss in your household, and how they behaved toward each other.

a reply to: llmacgregor

1. Reading up on Attachment Disorder e.g. with

ATTACHMENTS: WHY YOU LOVE, FEEL AND ACT THE WAY YOU DO

www.amazon.com...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1461130803&sr=1-1&keywords=ATTACHMENTS+CLINTON+%26+SI BCY

2. There's a lot of TED TALKS on youtube about improving relationships. They are worth your time and research.

3. I don't know if assertiveness training is still available at local Jr Colleges etc., or not--it's worthwhile.

4. You can do a lot on your own. But it takes determination and persistence.

I used to tell my students the first day--"If you are shy, and want to become less shy, this is a great class for you. I guarantee that if you try even half the things I suggest in our class time, you will be significantly less shy by the end of the semester. If you are shy and want to stay shy--you need to drop this class and take a different professor. I REQUIRE participation."

All such students WERE significantly less shy by the end of the semester--usually so by mid-terms.

I insisted on putting all the chairs/desks in a horseshoe and no student was more than 3 seats away from me as I roamed around in the middle of the horseshoe teaching--often by making things happen in class that the text talked about.

(A) FORCE YOURSELF to initiate conversations--initially where it doesn't risk so much on your behalf--clerks at shops and restaurants. Compliment them on the color of their clothes; their smile; their helpfulness etc. In classes, work areas, churches, clubs . . . initiate a conversation about shallow, safe things before and after the formal time with at least one individual. Talk about them. Draw them out.

(B) Perhaps keep a diary for a week of the negative things you say about yourself in your head. Then the next 30-90 days--refuse to allow those thoughts air time in your head. Just stop them immediately on realizing them and focus instead on 1-3 things you are good at or good achievements etc.

(C) Write a diary in a bound book about 5 things you are thankful for each day.

(D) Read edifying biographies about folks who overcame horrible odds to achieve good things.

(E) Phone one relative a week that you really like but rarely see that much. Thank them for being in your life. Draw them out about their recent experiences.

(F) Pay attention to folks you can identify with and how they handle successful conversations, dialogues, interactions. Notice their tones of voice and facial expressions. You can practice those privately.

(G) If you are in no social groups--join some--whether clubs, sports, arts, crafts, . . . whatever. Initiate conversation with someone in the group at least every other time, if not every time. It doesn't have to be exhaustive, lengthy or particularly vulnerable. Just initiate it and carry it on for 1-5 minutes.

(H) If someone has taken a great pic of you--put it on your bathroom mirror and in your bedroom in at least a 5 X 7" size.

(I) Think about your primary values, joys, good skills, good habits, favorite movies, most important goals, best achievements, favorite hobbies, places you'd like to travel to. Be ready to say at least 3-5 sentences about at least 3-5 such items.

. . . Ask me if you want more such suggestions as are in this A-I list.

5. Avoid negative people who are critical of you, put you down, don't understand you, don't show you genuine caring and healthy affection. Spend more time with those who show authentic caring and healthy affection.

6. Spend 1-3 minutes each evening before sleep picturing in your mind--how you'd like to look, sound, act if you were the opposite of shy.

7. When you speak, initiate conversation, dialogue--INSURE, MAKE CERTAIN that the volume of your voice is loud enough to be heard clearly within 3-5 feet.

8. Practice making eye contact. First--with those you feel closest to and safest with. After 2-3 days--practice it with everyone you meet, talk to.

9. Make a list of questions or statements for those you initiate conversations with e.g. clerks etc. e.g.

--You look like you're having a busy/ challenging/ interesting day!
--I'm not in a big hurry. Thank you for helping me today.
--I hope you get some time off this weekend and do something fun with those you love.
--Are you planning to do anything interesting this summer?
--Does this organization treat you fairly?
--What would you rather be doing today?

10. Some research seems to indicate that shy folks tend to end up with lower paying jobs; less job fulfillment; lower status spouses and less marriage fulfillment and satisfaction. Even though shyness seems to have a huge genetic component, one can learn to be the opposite or at least significantly less shy.

I was so shy and insecure growing up and even in my undergrad school and the Navy--if someone looked at me harshly, I might go hide and tear up. My students would hardly believe that. But it was true.

Please let me know how it goes. If you have any further or more specific questions, please let me know.

Blessings,
BoX

a reply to: CoBaZ

I've been trying to understand faith and what God is to me...through AA. I enjoy it, it is the only thing that gets more out of my head when I want a drink.

a reply to: Night Star

Thanks.

Ya know, it's easy to sit here and say to myself "tomorrow's the day!, no opportunity will pass me by"
Then tomorrow comes, and well....where'd my balls go...
Sigh

a reply to: Tiamat384

I usually am being myself....unfortunately, shy.....otherwise once I open up I will talk your ear off.
I just don't initiate

a reply to: llmacgregor

Just remember when things get bad call your sponsor, and rub your coin for luck ok.

a reply to: Domo1

I've actually been meaning to start up some kind of physical training to fill up the time that I would otherwise be drinking 60 days ago.
I'm in pretty good shape, but the stress relief, and mental aspects are appealing as well. From what I hear.

it helps me to think " at least i can look back at this and have a good laugh later, but for now i got to do it first." without those rejections and experiences you wont get anecdotal fun stories.

a reply to: visitedbythem

Mom and dad divorced when I was 6. Dad moved away shortly after, I see him about once a year. They were both alcoholics.
My mom raised me and my 2 sisters.

2001 Mom got re married, big sister moved out and my and my little sis adopted a step dad.

Don't stress, youngster. In 14 years you'll be married, have kids, own a home, divorced, have nothing, start over, get a new gf, have another baby, buy anotber home etc, etc. Lol What I wouldn't give to be your age again. Don't focus on finding "the one." This stage of your life is about discovering who you are. Have fun. Take risks. Be comfortable being yourself. And if you're really lonely, Internet dating works and it's almost too easy. Might not find "the one" but you'll find enough to stay occupied, trust me. Pop your collar, get your swag on and put the mack down young buck!

Best of luck. 24 is young in this world.

I had a friend who was well off, had goals in his life outside of his career and potential. He was also terrible with woman. He kept meeting woman online and failing

I finally told him that if he focused on his goals and not finding a mate that a great woman would come along and see all the things that he was doing and consider him to be an amazing guy. Not because of his car or his money but because of his ambition and kind heart.

He ignored my advice, met a woman online across the country, packed his stuff and left his career in the rear window. Friends too. For a woman that he'd met face to face twice. Our friends didn't know he was gone until we all looked up his status on his business page.

So my advice, no matter what it is that you like doing, go do it with other people. Find others who are better at it then you and seek advice. Strive to be better at that thing you love today than you were at it yesterday. With time the right woman will notice you. If you rush then you will be wrong.



My 7 rules to asking a woman out... from experience.

1. Never a friend's ex
2. Never an ex's friend
3. Never hit on a woman at her job
4. Never believe a woman that's hitting on you at yours.
5. Never, ever, ever go looking for love on the internet.
6. Clarify her dating status before asking her out.
7. Never pass up the chance to ask out a pretty girl who does not apply to rule 1 through 6.

Seriously #7 is the key.

I followed these rules for years until I met my wife... randomly at a bank.

Be patient and get to work on those goals of yours. You'll be great.

originally posted by: llmacgregor
The desire to meet someone is there, I long for it.
I can't seem to escape my comfort zone, and muster up the confidence to even say hi.

I've always been shy, but lately it seems to have gotten worse. I've been isolating. The fear of rejection is a huge hindrance for me. It shouldn't be right...?
Who cares...move on, they say.

I haven't even taken the opportunity to get rejected.

A little about me:
24 year old guy...I have a job, car all that crap. My mom says I'm handsome..hahaha.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, 60 days sober.....I would isolate and drink myself stupid frequently. I drank a lot, everyday.

My head is clear, and things are generally going great in life......but NO confidence. None. Zero. I don't know why.

It's not like I have been unsuccessful in the past....
I'm not trying to be pitiful....I just want get out of this comfort zone.

What have you done?
Any advice?

Thanks.
Llmacgregor

In response to your title, your sense of feeling your lacking in that area is not a lack, but a restraint to stay put, family/mom, job and recovery. Read, write, pray, meditate, create something. Art, music.

Congrats to you on sobriety. Stay the course. Intimate relationships are too messy to deal with out there. Know yourself first to avoid an intimate relationship based on desperation. Too many pitfalls to drag you back down in there right now. You just are getting used to being you, but moving forward to be a new mature you which has to stem from you; not validation from intimacy with a girlfriend, from you.

a reply to: llmacgregor

CONGRATS on your sobriety.

I encourage you to ask God to make Himself real to you in clear terms that you can have confidence in and walk forward in your life in--through thick and thin.

I wouldn't expect a burning bush experience but I could be wrong.

And, I wouldn't expect Him to answer necessarily in your time frame nor per your prescription--but in my experience, He does answer and the dance can then begin more meaningfully and intimately.

I don't know if you've ever heard of the classic devotional

MY UTMOST FOR HIS HIGHEST by Oswald Chambers--actually his short-hand taking wife. It's heavy duty. I can't take him more than a week to a month or 3 at a time. But he's full of meat that brings real life to one's spiritual walk.

I encourage you to seek God and His face--and avoid all the pharisees of whatever flavor . . . Virtually all the pastors I've ever known have been rife with serious attachment disorder problems resulting in their being control freaks, arrogant etc.

And, I think sometimes that many churches are more destructive to individuals' walks with God than many bars are.

If a group has a humble leader; teaches, reads, practices the Bible more or less earnestly and straightforwardly . . . and is warm, loving, friendly--that's way above a lot of doctrinal hair splitting and pontificating.

IF there's a good, balanced, humble, vulnerable men's group--that might be worth seeking out. If AA is filling that role sufficiently--great.

You might seek out a mentor--someone you could look up to because of their spiritual walk; tender-hearted strength etc.

However, any/every individual--even the best of us--will eventually fail you--do something stupid and hurtful in the relationship. Forgive and go on. This dimension has no perfect relationships. Learn from them and go on--with forgiveness and graciousness as you'd like to receive were the shoe on the other foot.

Thanks for your candor and vulnerability. You seem to have been growing from AA.

originally posted by: llmacgregor
a reply to: Night Star

Thanks.

Ya know, it's easy to sit here and say to myself "tomorrow's the day!, no opportunity will pass me by"
Then tomorrow comes, and well....where'd my balls go...
Sigh

You know, my Husband was terrified of asking me out because he thought I wouldn't be interested in him and that I must have had a boyfriend already. Was he ever wrong! And years later, meeting guys I used to know, they would tell me that they would have loved to have dated me but thought the same way as my Husband did. So really, don't be shy, and never assume a woman is already with someone else or that they may not be interested.