How to avoid rejection and get connection: Marisa Peer at TEDxGoodenoughCollege

Here's the full link, in case the number only method isn't working [there was a space in it]:

www.youtube.com...


Many times, in many situations with a diversity of personality types--and chronically with some personality types--we are accosted by negative, whiny, even assaultive accusations by others.

Sometimes, we need to examine our priorities and how compulsively, persistently some folks are overwhelmingly negative--and then--

to WEED THEM OUT OF OUR LIVES as much as is practical!

There's no constructive point to allow others to poison our beleaguered existence on this planet. It has plenty of challenges without such folks.

I believe this TED TALK by Dr Marisa Peer is excellent in offering 5 statements one can respond with in the face of destructive accusations, assertions from others.

Please seen the link for all 5. They are easiest to copy at the end . . . about minute: 16:39

No one can make you feel bad about yourself if you don't let it in. These 5 statements can help.

These statements must be said in a kind of 'please pass the butter' tone that one might use at Thanksgiving dinner. Tone is critical. No sarcasm.

1. "THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT."

2. "WOULD YOU REPEAT THAT SLOWLY."

3. "ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF?"

4. "THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK BECAUSE I AM NOT GOING TO LET IT IN."

5. "DO YOU KNOW THAT CRITICAL PEOPLE HAVE THE MOST CRITICISM RESERVED FOR THEMSELVES? You are showing me and others how dissatisfied you are with yourself when you behave like that."

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My commentary:

#1. above--avoid allowing it to go further--just a matter of fact politely toned THANK YOU. End of discussion.

#2. The person will typically try to say--oh, never mind . . . Don't let them off too easily. More or less insist that you want to hear it repeated more slowly. That will force them to hear themselves a bit better--and the nastiness inherent in what they said. After they repeat it again--you can say: THANK YOU FOR SHARING THAT. Full stop.

I love the cerebal palsy example as well as the one Dr Peer relates about her hubby and son's exchange.

Many of her other TED TALKS are wonderful, too.

e.g. this one about:

TO REACH BEYOND YOUR LIMITS BY TRAINING YOUR MIND

. . . in part about using the brain's being hard-wired to go toward pleasure and away from pain to overcome problematic habits, fears etc.

Original version of link not working. Try this one:
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www.youtube.com...=399.160708

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Thank you for sharing that BO XIAN ..

Those five sentences will help others, including me. Liked video and saved.

Good to see you posting.

a reply to: BO XIAN

My first reaction was to raise an eyebrow thinking this would be a handful of pithy ways to deflect criticism, but listening closely ... it does address actually address taking criticism.

That said, a lot of people think that someone trying to help them avoid pain are in category 5.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Wonderful post. Thank you!

So glad that you are back, I've missed you!

a reply to: DaphneApollo

Thanks for your kind words. I hope they help in a lot of situations.

So many people feel helpless in the face of destructive demeaning accusations.

I like the video because it gives concrete and effective solutions.

Nice to be posting again.

originally posted by: Pinke
a reply to: BO XIAN

My first reaction was to raise an eyebrow thinking this would be a handful of pithy ways to deflect criticism, but listening closely ... it does address actually address taking criticism.

That said, a lot of people think that someone trying to help them avoid pain are in category 5.

I think it does deal quite effectively with unwarranted criticism.

Not sure what all you mean about folks thinking that people trying to help them avoid pain are in category 5. Maybe I haven't seen the same thing or haven't cast it in those terms. Not sure. Perhaps you could clarify as I'm not tracking your meaning well. Might be my just not tracking well for some reason.

a reply to: ccseagull

Thanks ccseagull,

Nice to be posting again. Just clicking on a star was a pretty muted response!

I hope you and those you love are doing well.

Do you find yourself in situations that those options might be helpful with?

Blessings,

Hi Bo Xian - yes, all is well, all are happy and healthy. Thanks for asking. How about you? (Hugs)

I do find they help. I've already been using a few of the steps with family that have adhd. And it never gets old, the look on their faces as my comment registers and then they get this lightbulb moment and their comment is rephrased with focus and consideration. It's wonderful to experience because you know they are with you in that moment.

The Ted Talks video is fantastic. We all have that inner voice that whispers to us and wants to take the safe and lazy way out. I’ve had a bit of cognitive therapy and it has helped tremendously. I have also been reading about our spoken word and the power of our words. Just as God spoke the world into existence we have that ability to speak life or negativity into our lives. And we subconsciously follow those spoken words.

We have to re-learn how to be conscious in the moment and that way maintain control of our thoughts and the power of those and the words that sometimes follow. Some of this is in conjunction with our carnal mind and our spirit mind (Christian speak but I do believe it all ties in together).

As well, we are not our emotions. Our emotions are nothing but reactions. We can control them by giving thought and choosing not to let our physiological response control us.

It's all doable and learning these techniques/knowledge has changed my life and enhanced my relationships.

originally posted by: ccseagull
Hi Bo Xian - yes, all is well, all are happy and healthy. Thanks for asking. How about you? (Hugs)

THX. Double hugs back at you and those you love. Doing tolerably. Pacemaker is now 4+ weeks old. Doing well with it. Wound almost 100% healed. Still itchy from bandage adhesive allergy reaction. Wheeee. Doc said arteries were fine; ecocardiogram was fine and latest EKG was fine. Can't quibble with that. PTL.

I do find they help. I've already been using a few of the steps with family that have adhd. And it never gets old, the look on their faces as my comment registers and then they get this lightbulb moment and their comment is rephrased with focus and consideration. It's wonderful to experience because you know they are with you in that moment.

ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL! HALLELUJAH!

THANKS FOR SHARING THAT! TRULY! LOL. You blessed me a lot with that news.

There's nothing quite like having a return communication demonstrate that you are both on the same page and in connection with one another--a congruent, mutually respectful, supportive page.

The Ted Talks video is fantastic. We all have that inner voice that whispers to us and wants to take the safe and lazy way out. I’ve had a bit of cognitive therapy and it has helped tremendously. I have also been reading about our spoken word and the power of our words. Just as God spoke the world into existence we have that ability to speak life or negativity into our lives. And we subconsciously follow those spoken words.

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about the SPOKEN WORD. And I need to pay more attention to that, myself.

Cognitive therapy has been PROVEN in a number of studies to be much better than meds:

1. No side effects.
2. Works for a lifetime.
3. Works thoroughly.

Alas, it does take a lot of work and discipline over 90 days or so to establish the new neural pathways and let the others wither.

We have to re-learn how to be conscious in the moment and that way maintain control of our thoughts and the power of those and the words that sometimes follow. Some of this is in conjunction with our carnal mind and our spirit mind (Christian speak but I do believe it all ties in together).

As well, we are not our emotions. Our emotions are nothing but reactions. We can control them by giving thought and choosing not to let our physiological response control us.

It's all doable and learning these techniques/knowledge has changed my life and enhanced my relationships.

YEA BIG FOR THAT! CONGRATS for your application of such--successful application of such.

I think a lot of the Ted Talks are great. And that was one of them.

Have a blessed evening and week. Thanks for your kind replies.

a reply to: BO XIAN

Hi Bo Xian - wow, so had a tune-up (ha, ha). I am praying for healing over you! Yes, PTL for all the good news about your heart.

It really is mind blowing how when both partners want to work towards something - whether a partnership or marriage (I do consider marriage to be a partnership as well as a sharing of life) and there are so many ways to work towards the common goal. I just wanted to mention that I read your other post about how to phrase things to each other and yes, it does feel odd at first, but it becomes natural after a while. To see your partner work towards being understood and work harder at making sure that his/her spouse knows they are being heard - this brings a whole new level to the relationship. Anyone can say words that agree with what the other is saying but you know the effort and intent when your other half is working to ensure that the common goal is really their intent. And so, it may sound odd to someone who hasn't had that therapy/cognitive awareness, but it really becomes part of you and a natural tool.

I should have answered in that post but just wanted you to know. I might cut & paste this answer there tomorrow. For those who were saying it's weird, etc.

Thanks Bo Xian!

a reply to: ccseagull

I just saw your wonderful post.

THANKS TONS. Well put.

Yes, it does take practice to become a natural, easy-flow thing--at least for most people.

And, YES, it is encouraging--usually right away--when each partner sees the other one making earnest efforts to hear and to be hearable. It can give hope where hope had grown thin or died.

You have encouraged me today.

BTW, I think you might like the Matthew and Lisa Jacobson stuff on this new thread:
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www.abovetopsecret.com...
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