Being Married To An Alcoholic... My First Rodeo

Hello ATS...Over the years I have found advice from ATS to be helpful... and boy oh boy...do I need help now.

Quick breakdown for context:

Both of us are in our early 30s. We dated for one year and have now been married for two. During the first 2 and a half years, everything was completely fine. We have no kids. Upper-middle class. I work 9-10 hours per day at an office and she stays home all day going to school and working from home.

Fast forward to Jan. 2016 everything changed literally overnight.

Wife started drinking and I mean DRINKING.

I feel this is a little different than a "typical" alcoholic. She drinks herself to the point of complete blackout. I honestly think she would drink herself to death but the alcohol puts her out before she dies. Since Jan. she has been to the hospital 6 times.One time, for 5 days. Her BAC at the hospital has been as high as .67

For the last three months, her day is (no joke) wake up, walk to liquor store, buy alcohol, down as much as possible as fast as possible, spend the next 20 hours in bed, and repeat.

As you can imagine, our relationship has been completely derailed. I have done the typical "newbie" caring loved one behavior. Yell at her. Beg her to stop. Try to cut off her access to alcohol. Tear the house apart looking for bottles. Pouring out bottles. I can't even describe the mental fatigue.

Now, I just found out back in Feb. that she has actually gone through this exact situation before.

It perplexes me to no end because for over two years we drank like normal people do. Her reaction to alcohol was like anyone else. Typical hangovers. Typical behavior when she would get "buzzed"...but this is something different altogether.

Everyday I have to prepare myself that I may come home to a corpse...its exhausting.

I have been obviously doing as much research as possible and thinking about joining an Al-Anon support group. From what I can read is, you essentially let the alcoholic be an alcoholic. Don't cover for them. Don't help them. Basically, the silent treatment.

Does ANYONE have any experience with this? Is the "silent treatment" method really how I should deal with this? How concerned should I be for her safety? Whats the chance she will recover? We are already at the point where she basically HAS to drink because the withdrawal could kill her. She has to accept treatment (can't be forced).

God, I want to help her and go on to help other struggling with the same thing. I never knew how bad alcoholism was and I never thought I would be involved with something like this.

Any advice would be helpful.

Thanks ATS

Find out what pain she is trying to subdue. Something is hurting her, and she cant handle the pain

originally posted by: YayMayorBee
Now, I just found out back in Feb. that she has actually gone through this exact situation before.
Any advice would be helpful.
Thanks ATS

First let me say I'm sorry for both of your struggles.
I've been around alcoholics and addicts my entire life and I don't have the 'key'...

I wonder, though, as you say this has happened before do you have any insight as to what may have triggered those past episodes? And what stopped it?

Some folks can't 'drink like normal people' ever...ever...

Are there alcoholics in her immediate family?
Depression?
Mental Illness?

Good Luck to both of you!

a reply to: YayMayorBee

She needs to be admitted to a Treatment center....now!

a reply to: YayMayorBee

She probably has something on her mind - something so hard to face that liquor is the only escape.

Before she started drinking, was she bored to death? Did she look stressed, or depressed? Perhaps a bit of psychiatry would be required? I'd recommend you find a shrink ASAP...

a reply to: visitedbythem

I understand and appreciate this but right now, shouldn't i focus on keeping her ALIVE?

It tough when I havent seen her sober for three months. Can't have any kind of lengthy conversation, especially a real heart-to-heart.

In the times when she is functioning sober, I am suspecting to believe that her mental state is rapidly deteriorating.

a reply to: olaru12

I don't know if its different state-to-state but she has to agree to go. You cannot force someone in our state.

Trust me, she has been in the hospital 6 times and I can't tell you how many social workers I have spoken to. If I could make her go with a simple signature.. I would.

a reply to: swanne

Once again, I 100% agree with you, but its near impossible at the rate she is drinking.

She is basically "dead weight" blackout drunk everyday I come home.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

AA for you is a priority! They can help you and even give you guidance to help her. She may need to go to a treatment center to keep her alive! Remember you can't force her to change her ways she has to want it or it will be a disaster. Perhaps seek out a counselor who specializes in addiction for both of you. These people are there to help you. Please seek them out! Addiction is a big deal and very hard to handle by yourself.

The whole thing comes down to why does she feel the need to drink.
What part of her existence makes her compelled to escape her reality or dull it through use of alcohol?
Been there, done that.
Until she is ready to confront those demons, I'm afraid you're powerless. Because even if you put her somewhere against her will, she will not respond to treatment.

If she won't go into rehab voluntarily....

Get her family involved, old friends, even the courts to have her committed as "insane"

Her life is at stake and your well being as well.

a reply to: the owlbear

This is essentially what I have landed on and the question still stands; silent treatment? Let her hit that "Rock Bottom"? Take her safety net away (me)?

I agree, she wont respond to treatment. The most out of the hospital visits we have gotten was 5 days of sobriety. Her withdrawal (I believe) is now the primary culprit of the current drinking problem. There was definitely a mental factor or 'demon' but now I believe the drinking is mostly physical dependence.

From my understanding of your situation, you need to get medical help.

Why is she hurting so much do you think? It seems very emotional.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Well if you know she's going after the bottle, why not progressively dilute the thing so that she doesn't get any more drunk? You could seize the opportunity then to have a talk.

Have you considered an intervention?

a reply to: YayMayorBee

.67 BAC?!? If true, she's very lucky to be alive.

As noted by others, she's hurting and she'll never recover until the source of that pain is uncovered.

Good luck and many blessings.

a reply to: IAMTAT

I have looked into it. Quite frankly, being in the situation is so much different than the TV version. Professional interventionist are very expensive. Furthermore, we are the point where she drinks to curb the physical withdrawal of the alcohol. She is not a "functioning" alcoholic (which I believe is more appropriate of an intervention [but I could be wrong])

originally posted by: visitedbythem
Find out what pain she is trying to subdue. Something is hurting her, and she cant handle the pain

My first thought as well. Either something happened to her recently or something she has been carrying for a long time, and when it reaches the surface she goes through this until the cycle resets itself.

She need to confront whatever the underlying issue is.

a reply to: swanne

Trying to trick an alcoholic or outsmart them is extremely moot. I learned quickly that trying anything "logical" for a situation that is illogical only makes it worse which is why I have landed on my "silent treatment" method.

a reply to: YayMayorBee

Find out from some of her friends if she has ever been to AA meetings prior to meeting you. And if she has try to find what meetings. Go to them meetings and find someone who new her and see if they can help. An intervention may be needed at this point. You may need to go to an Alanon meeting some people there may be able to help you.