I need some help with a recent PTSD diagnosis, please?

a reply to: Informer1958

Thank you for sharing! Thanks for the informations as well!
I have also come across the description of this therapy, I had it confused with the EFT mentioned in this thread. That's why I was worried about pulling out the baggage. You helped me in more ways than one with this. Both are supposed to be more effective than talk therapy. If I remember correctly, some of the therapists on the Big Island have some experience with one or both of these treatments. I will have to look them up again to be sure of which.

I am so happy for you that it worked so well and so quickly! It's good to know that there is hope to heal.

a reply to: werin40

As I seem to not be the only member who suffers, is there anything you feel comfortable sharing here?

That's part of the reason I still come around here. We are all human and we all suffer. With such a diverse community we can help each other through perspectives that we may never encounter in our much smaller daily lives. It looks like you might need a few more posts before being able to use the u2u system anyway.

I truly appreciate that you want to help! It's much more than "friends" seem to be willing to do. For the record, dedication is no issue, we are ready to uproot and sell off all we have worked for to be where we are today. We are willing to do so just to facilitate the healing process.

originally posted by: woodsmom
a reply to: Night Star

Thank you Night Star!
Hawaii would be heaven! You're always welcome to visit! If anyone knows people working for the County of Hawaii maybe they can drop a good word for the guy applying from Alaska?
Maybe after some healing, when I get my inn/ b&b up and running I will throw an ATS party.🍾🍍🌴

Thank you for the peonies! I just realized how much I will miss them.

An ATS party at an Inn in Hawaii Now that would be heaven

a reply to: woodsmom

It's nice to see everyone reaching out to you and offering their experiences and knowledge.

Did you always have trust issues, or did they only just surface recently (after the accident?)? Journaling helps, and asking yourself questions. How did two doctors turn you down(they rejected you?)? I didn't know that could happen outside of insurance issues. I got help via a well known organization in the area, they provided legal advocacy and all kinds of therapy...

I find that it's hard to invest/give yourself to things when you know it's possible for those things to be taken away at any moment... like why build a house for a tornado to come by and sweep it all away? Why build friendships when they could be taken away at any moment due to any number of incidents? Life is full of this uncertainty, it's everywhere, but it's harder to swallow when it actually happens to you. Because now you KNOW it's possible, because you've actually experienced it. So now all kinds of terrible things are within the realm of possibility, when before... it was maybe just an imagination, a mental construct. Not a reality. Well, now it's reality. And for me... total acceptance is key, and being in the moment because all we have is this moment, so if we must build this house right now and even if we only have it for a moment, it's still worth the adventure, the journey, the time spent together with one another. It is better to have this moment, right now, than to have no moments at all... Some might call this mindfulness. Idk if anyone else mentioned it, but it's worth looking into.

a reply to: geezlouise

I've long had trust issues. There were a lot of abuse and abandonment issues from my childhood as well. When you can't trust your parents it's hard to trust anyone else. I maintained though and lived my own life. I just crashed when the accident happened. It was too much trauma all at once, some of which had to do directly with the birth of my son.

The people who turned me away were therapists. One never called me back after several attempts and the other told me to find someone else. There really isn't anyone around here to deal with this particular set of issues. We basically have a few marriage and family counselors around. I need someone with some compassion and a different skill set than what is available in my rural little town.

Mindfulness is an amazing tool and it helped me immensely prior to the insanity. I've always had issues, but what happened to me when I crashed is an entirely different experience. This was a catatonic state almost. I barely went through the motions of living. It took me a year to even become self aware again. Each time I felt better, I went through several stages, I thought I had kicked the issue.

It took the doctor who ran all of my tests to diagnose me. I was seen by two wonderful ladies last month for other issues that we were worried were cancer related due to my family history and symptoms. Luckily, aside from the celiac disease and the PTSD, I am healthier than I've ever been. It simply brought out other things to the forefront during the visits. Things that need dealing with if I will ever heal. It's coming to the point that I have a hard time in my own home. I'm currently sitting about three feet from where I was when the trooper stopped by to tell us about the accident. Everytime I spend much time in this room my head starts throbbing unbearably, for example. I was unable to even recognize that as the cause several weeks ago before this process was started.

It was my midwife and my internalist who had the patience and the compassion to sit and talk me through this. I literally broke down when I saw my midwife again. She spent almost four hours with me in her office the first time I saw her again a couple of months ago. She referred me to the other lady who recognized what was happening after we made sure it wasn't cancer. A colonoscopy is no fun. Fortunately it is simply celiac related. Unfortunately, I do have physical symptoms from that and the depression and anxiety are also heightened by it.

It's going to be a journey for sure. The amazing people who have reached out to me just today strengthen my faith in humanity. I'm proud to be part of such a community. This has proven to be a stronger community than the one I live in. Thank you for your kind words!
You are absolutely right about the adventure being worth it. That has taken awhile to recognize as well.

a reply to: woodsmom

Thank you for sharing! Thanks for the informations as well!

When my new therapist introduced it to me, I was skeptical at first, however at that point I was willing to do anything.

How my therapist did it.

When I was a kid, there was a time my father beat me for three hours, until he busted my head wide open and knocked me out with his fist.

My father was a 20 year military man and an alcoholic. I began to hate my father, before I got away from my family I couldn't stand my father, I hated him more then anything.

As the years dragged on I was having side effects from many of the beatings.

The three hour beating for instance: My father was building a shed and lost his level, I had just got off the school bus and the front yard was torn apart and tools and dog grates where slung everywhere in the yard. I noticed the kids on the school bus all looking out the bus windows and everyone was commenting the mess in the yard, it looked like a tornado went through the yard.

My father was in the back yard sawing on some wood and as I approached him he shut off the saw and punched me in the face without questioning anything.

My drunk father was wearing his military watch and told me you have 10 minutes to find my level, every ten minutes I was beaten not only by my father's fist but by a horse wip.

My father thrashed me until I bled all over my body even my face.

Three hours later my mother stuck her head out the back door and called my father to come eat dinner. My father told me that if I had not found his level after he was through eating I was going to get more thrashings.

As soon as my father walked into the house, I ran away. I was found two weeks later by police and I still had dried blood all over my clothes.

Police asked me what happened to me and who had beat me, I told them nothing, because my mother and father told me years ago it I talked to authorities about the abuse my parents would kill me and bury me in the back yard and they would report me as a run away.

At that time I was scared to death of my parents.

As the years went on I suffered extreme PTSD and all the side effects.

For instance: if any one asked me to look for something I would go in a rage, even if I lost something and I couldn't find it I would become so angry I would go into a rage, I didn't know why.

Years later during therapy, I found out why I would get angry when I would look for something it had something to do with my father and that beating over his level.

If I smelled human sweat and saw dust I would go into a fit of anger, because my father was sawing wood that day.

If I smelled alcohol on anyone I would go into a fit of rage because my father had been drinking that day when he was thrashing me.

There was many other odors that would cause me to go into a rage including certain TV shows, that were on in the living room while my mother and father took turns beating me with a horse wip.

Years later, if I was at a friends house and they had the TV on and one of the old TV shows were on, I would flip out and I could not understand why I was so angry.

This story is only the tip of the iceberg and I lived with this memory every day for 42 years it would play in my head all day long. I had trouble with being around people and holding a job.

I barely could function. I am 57 years old and I do not suffer any longer and I can haply go look for lost things without getting upset. I can watch the old TV shows without get upset now.

Now to show you how the therapist used EMDR.

My therapist pulled a chair in front of him and ask me to sit in it, we are face to face.

My therapist asked me to rate my anger towards my father from 0 to 10. I told him it was defiantly 10.

My therapist said good, now lets bring that anger level down to 0. So he told me to relax and not move a muscle in my body except my eyes.

My therapist told me to follow his finger in front of me only with my eyes and keep my head straight. My therapist would hold up one finger in front of me and move to the right then to the left, as he was doing this he asked me to recount the event of the day my father lost his level and beat me for three hours.

At some point the therapist would asked me to stop talking about the event, and asked me to rate my anger towards my father, and the first time he did I replied back saying I believe my anger level was an 8.

The Therapist continued and would always asked me to start over and tell my story to him while my eyes followed his finger.

The Therapist would asked for me to stop talking and rate my anger again, I remember saying I believe it is a 6.

The Therapist said lets do it again and we did I remember telling him a few minutes later my anger level was at 2.

He said lets do it again, tell me what happened that day, start from the beginning. This time while I was telling the Therapist what happened to me as my eyes were following his finger, I felt this huge tightness in my chest release it self, I felt so light that for a moment I thought I could float right out of the chair.

I felt calm for the first time in my life, I remember watching the Therapist face as he smiled, all the stress and anger was gone. I had reached to zero in my anger towards my father, I no longer hated my father and was able to forgive him later.

All the PTSD I had was all gone and no side effects to this day.

EMDR really works, I am a new person today, and have accomplished a lot of things and I live a very happy fulfill life today.

Yes, the memories are still there to all the thing my parents did to me, however they do not bother me the lease.

My understanding is the Red Cross uses EMDR on rescue workers who have to go to airplane crashes and rescue missions, it is very traumatic at air crash scenes.

I put myself through 16 years of Therapy but it was the EMDR that cured me of the PTSD.

a reply to: woodsmom

I hope you find someone who will talk to you! But just reading your responses here, I feel like... despite all the terrible awful things that have happened and the scary changes that are coming, I feel like you're more than well equipped to take it all on. You're one articulate and strong lady, and not hostile at all which is amazing and I love you, and you're not as lost as you might feel!

My body committed suicide on me not too long ago in the form of an auto-immune disorder, too. I was told that emotional/mental trauma is common for adult onsets like myself. I went through terrible episodes where I would cry for hours and kick things, and I still get pulled into near catatonic states where I have to just let myself feel whatever I'm feeling. I'm sorry you're going through it, too. And it'll never be ok, the things we've been through. But we can still... be better. Right?

Right arrow, three, full stop.

a reply to: Informer1958

Wow oh my god! My heart hurts for you.
But I'm glad that you're ok but still.
None of that was ok.

Thanks for sharing and sorry for butting in here!

a reply to: Informer1958

I'm so sorry that you ever had to live through that. Children deserve so much better from their parents. That was brave of you to share. I understand the torment of being scared of your parents. My dad once beat me with a flyswatter until all that was left of it was the inch he had in his hand. Though still nothing like you endured. It was still a constant being told how worthless and #ty I was. That isn't helping right now. When something like that is beaten into you, it doesn't just go away. It rears its ugly head when you least need it.

It's incredible that it worked so easily after so many years of torment. I really wish I could hug you right now. You are amazing for having overcome and even forgiven.

I will be seeking out someone who uses this technique.

a reply to: geezlouise

You didn't butt in sweetheart!
And yes, we can get better! Thank you, I love you too, for reaching out and sharing!
It's tough when your body and mind turn on you. It has to be dealt with somehow to heal. And true healing is needed by so very many in this world.

I do like my punching bag for those needed moments of release!

Eta, the next change coming is probably the most welcome in my life! I used to live out of my backpack and wander wherever my feet took me. I was lonely though. Now I get to return to paradise with the love of my life and our beautiful babies!

a reply to: woodsmom
Hey, first I want to let you know that there is ways to deal with this and things will get better. It takes time to decompress. I had severe PTSD and I still deal with it, but not at the level I used to. I don't want to get into it here, so I will send you a U2U and you can read it and decide if you want to talk I will be glad to. It is the one thing that helps over time. The psychiatrists refuse to get involved with me for other reason as to the cause of my PTSD.

PTSD can be a hell of a thing. I've been living with it for 31 years now - as well as helping others who suffer deal with their own issues as well.

I say it's a Hell of a thing because PTSD has some nearly universal traits just as it is also normally highly subjective and unique to each person. We could all sit in a circle, here and have many, many moments of head nodding and understanding as others discussed their experiences and feelings. Their symptoms. We'd all pipe in to say "With me, I also have this and that... but in my case this symptom you mentioned isn't there and is, instead, replaced with that symptom..."

Where the universality really falls to pieces is in treatment. Benzos work incredibly well for some, but not for others. SSRI's and SSNRI's the same. Meditation, hypnosis, self hypnosis, biofeedback, socialilzation, desensitization, talk therapy, herbal remedies, diet, exercise, vitamins, supplements - any and all combinations of the above... All things that one person will swear by only for the next person to say that they got no relief whatsoever from the very same thing.

Trial and error seems requisite.

For me very light benzos ( Clonezepam or Xanax ), taken once a day ( at night ) and daily exercise ( long, long walks mostly ) work best. Socialization also helps. Even when I have to literally pull myself up and out of the house by my bootstraps. I've been fully off of medication for a year and a half now and am coping. Not doing great, but surviving. I've learned that, in my case, surviving might be the sweet-spot in the risk/reward lottery.

Now, with the dry breakdown of personal experience out of the way, some words of encouragement. Time does help. Even if all that time offers is familiarity with the illness, that still helps. Many people with PTSD improve over time, many others get worse. I suppose the severity of the traumatic experience comes into play here. In my case it's the latter. The older I get, the more constant the anxiety and symptoms. Thirty years ago I was having intermittent and very severe panic attacks but was totally free of anxiety otherwise. Today I rarely have panic attacks, tend to have much lighter ones when I do have them... but I am always anxious. It's always there.

Is the constant anxiety with lessened panic attacks better than the infrequent but massive attacks? I think it is. On two different occasions, over the years, panic attacks caused my blood pressure to spike so badly that my life was in immediate danger. And the worst thing in the world is to be in a panic attack and watch doctors and nurses start to panic over your condition. Yeah... not good.

I'm always sorry when I hear of other people also having similar problems. I'm naturally empathetic. But PTSD kicks it into overdrive. I mean I can empathize with a person in a wheelchair, for example... but since I am not in one it's an abstract sort of empathy. Here it's absolute and direct. Mainline empathy.

Thus I am so sorry you are going through this. If there is a takeaway from my rambling here... let it be this.

Thirty-nine years ago I had a cardiac arrest that led to my having severe PTSD... yet here I am, rambling to you about the subject nearly four decades later and doing so while medication free and happy.

There is during and after a PTSD diagnosis. Wonderful life.

originally posted by: BigScaryStrawman
I have a close friend with wartime PTSD. To be frank, I recommend Xanax. I would find a psychiatrist that lists PTSD as a specialty before moving to Hawaii though as well as immediately when you get there. I've been to 6 or 7 pschiatrists in my time & you're best bet is to go to as many different ones as possible to learn what you do & don't want in a Doctor.

Sidenote: I have lived in Hawaii & you should move there asap. What island are you looking at?

As s nurse, I would never recommend Xanax. Maybe for panic attacks or the rare, really really bad days, but never for everyday use.

I would keep looking for a psychotherapist who specializes in PTSD. You may have to drive a little ways to find the right one.

You might also reach out to the V.A. Maybe they can steer you in the right direction and hook you up with someone who treats civilian clients.

As far as moving, I totally recommend it. We uprooted for Colorado last year. Best decision I have ever made!

Good luck.

a reply to: woodsmom

Thank you for the kind words.

My mother was a authoritarian. She was from England.

My mother would tell me on a daily base that I was worthless and a wast of oxygen. I was her kennel boy. My mother raised dogs and had a grooming parlor. At the age of six I was pretty much thrown into the dog kennel and was her slave.

I was beaten all the time by her and yes, she loved to use the horse wip on me as well.

No matter how good I clean the dog kennel it was never good enough, never.

She would always find something wrong. My mother and I never bonded and she and I hated each other until I got away at the age of 14.

My mother is a Narcissistic and in her eyes she really believes she is perfect and never does anything wrong, when thing go wrong it was always my fault or the world's fault but never hers. She is still alive and has never changed.

I have a sister who also went though a lot of the abuse but not as bad as I went through, however my sister and mother bonded so things were a lot different for my sister.

My sister still stays in contact with mother and she tells me things about her, but one thing she did tell me recently was that mother is still the same and she is frighten of you, meaning me.

Mother raises Doberman Pinchers now and I asked my sister why, her answer was mother is afraid you might find where she lives and kill her. Talk about the tables turning, wow.

Mother knows what she did to me, she destroyed my childhood and my developing and cause me to have stunt growth, she called me every name in the dictionary but my given name. Her favorite names for me were ( It or swine ), mother would tell my sister almost every day that I was a bad boy.

I learned in therapy that she was the one with a mental illness. After 16 years of therapy I was able to forgive her, although I do not speak to her, I asked my sister to tell mother that I forgive her, My sister did and mother response was ( for what? )

Like I said in my above post, I am 57 years old and the last time I saw mother was in a court room when I was 14 years old.

I beg a family court Judge in front of my mother and father that I do not want to ever see them again, you have no idea what they have done to me and if I told you everything you would never believe it.

This was in the early part of 1970's when child abuse was unheard of, or spoke about.

I wish no harm to my mother. I realized many years later while in therapy I was to learn something very important. Had I never been so abused and never put myself into therapy I would have never have learn to forgive.

I believe that was one of my main missions in this life time, to learn to forgive. When I started therapy I remembered my first session my therapist asked me perhaps I need to learn to forgive my parent. I blew up that day screaming at the therapist there be a cold day in hell before I ever forgive them to what they did to me.

but after 16 years of therapy I did and I am so glad I did, when I decided to forgive them a peace came over me that I cannot describe.

I remember when I was in my 20's and 30's before going in to therapy that I did not deserve to be around decent people or have nice things, my self worth was very low, and I never developed self–esteem, something normal children develop with normal upraising.

I was 34 years old and in therapy and started to developing self- esteem for the first time, I remember I wanted to take on the world back then.

Anyway I met a good man in the early 1990' in Atlanta Georgia, yes I am gay, however I had been in several nasty relationships that were really abusive because I had believe that's what I deserved.

My wonderful new partner worked with me with all my therapy and supported me in every way.

As the years went on my partner and I opened a computer shop and we became the number one computer repair shop in our county for five years, at the same time we had an antique business and did the big antique show twice a month in Alanta becoming the top ten best in the Don Scott antique multi million dollar show.

We specialized in antique telephones by Western Electric, we sold and restored the first phones developed by Western Electric from the candle sticks to the very first desk sets.

Years later we get a call from the Smithsonian museum in Washington if we would kindly donate two of our early desk sets made by Western electric, to finish out their collection, of course we did and it was an honor to be selected by the Smithsonian.

I was never so proud of that accomplishment, that my name will be in history forever.

My partner of 20 years died a little over 5 years ago and I truly miss him today. I am now in a two year relationship with another wonderful partner and couldn't be happier today.

I am now retired and I am an artist, I create soft sculptures of a rare breed of dog called the Bedlington terrier. I also make one of a kind brooches of the breed, my work has sold all over the world and the demand keeps me busy.

a reply to: Informer1958

Your story is heart breaking and inspiring at the same time. I am speechless.

a reply to: Hefficide

Thank you. For sharing and for the encouragement!
By everyone's responses, I'm glad I chose to reach out here.

Things have been getting worse lately, and physical. It's what finally forced me in to see the dreaded MD's. It was good that I did. I found an advocate in my midwife and my internalist. They both have the desire to help more, but are limited by their fields.

I need to get better by pulling myself up by the bootstraps. It worked for awhile, but I seem to be losing that ability at the moment. I'm determined to work with this though, or preferably through it. Just talking about it since yesterday morning has allowed some pressure relief. It started so bad yesterday, and it's been turning around. I got more done last night than I have in the last week.

I'm happy you are here rambling and doing well! I've missed seeing you around the boards when I find myself here lately. I thank you, and offer many many hugs!

a reply to: lovebeck

Thank you for your encouragement!
I am trying to avoid any meds if possible since I've already reacted badly to low dose SSRI's.
Thanks for the VA tip, I hadn't thought of that, it's a good idea with the large military population up north of us.
I've had people here reach out and offer help as well. This is an amazing place full of amazing people.

a reply to: Informer1958

Thank you for reaching out with your incredible experiences.
I'm so happy for you that you found your love, and I'm only sorry you lost him. Congratulations on your ability to find love again! Love is the only thing in this world that is worth it, and it's so lacking at times.

Congratulations too on the Smithsonian! That's awesome, to be forever remembered in such an institution is great! My sister in law is native Inupiat and her aunt made dolls. She presented one to President Bush (I think) and it resides in the Smihsonian as well. I know what a source of pride that is for the family!

The old telephones are neat. Both of my grandfathers worked for Bell. I have some old promotional photos that my mom's dad was in. I cherish them.

I kept trying with my parents until a couple months ago. It was New Years that I dealt with the last of it. I'm done. We don't have to let people destroy us no matter how they are connected to us. I need to work on the forgiveness part. It was almost a relief to have the last blowout though, I have no more desire to keep my parents in my life. It removed a stress. I never had to deal with the courts but I also ran away, at 16. Got dragged back home and left a year later for good. I preferred being homeless in Alaska in the winter over the insanity.

You are amazing for talking through it and overcoming so much. I may be repeating myself, but it bears repeating! This world is crazy, but life is meant to be lived to its fullest with love and joy. You deserve both! Everyone does! Congratulations on your work! That's great it keeps you busy!

I'm becoming more convinced that an ATS gathering in Hawaii is a necessity! We will have to have a PTSD retreat as soon as I get things up and running. My husband was even open to the idea when I talked with him last night. Now that job just has to come through to get us out of here!

Many, many hugs!!!

Oh my gosh, so my mom calls me all phony and nice because she heard we were trying to move to Hawaii. I'm not even sure how. "I'm jealous "she says. She then proceeds to tell me that they will come visit before we go so I flat told her that I can't handle my dad anymore. I'm done. She was snotty when I told her about my diagnosis and flipped out on me because I didn't bend over and kiss her a##.

They only come around when they want things from people, they are never wrong. And when someone else is having a problem it turns into a f-n pissing match over who's more miserable. I can't handle it anymore. I think I just officially cut them off. I did after New Years but now they know I guess.

Sorry, had to vent. I officially discovered another trigger.

I love you ATS, you have been more of a family and had more compassion in the last couple of days than I have ever received from my parents.

a reply to: woodsmom

Just cause they are family, it don't mean they're good people. Or does it? Some people would lie and steal and cover up for their families, like how institutions protect themselves (church with perverts, for example). But I really don't think I would do that. I understand that even as part of an institution, corruption is kind of inevitable and the best any of us can do is continue to address corruption, and re-adjust ourselves... not to just turn a blind eye to it and pretend like it's not happening! But am I wrong because I wouldn't lie for my family? Cause I wouldn't. If they're bad people then they're bad people, nothing's gonna change that. Not even all the lying in the world. So eff that.

You're just a totally different type of human being than they are. And I think you're seeing things the way they are, which is admirable. And I will totally go to an ATS ptsd meeting in hawaii, LOL! Name the date!