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And They Wonder Why I Don't Have Friends Or Family To Talk To? It Must Be Me! :duh:
page: 2share:
One possibility that, while not a remedy to your problem, might make it more understandable.
You sound like a profoundly empathetic and caring person. While this may be uncomfortable to contemplate, in many instances those who are victims of abuse - particularly by a guardian or care giver, and particularly when young - tend to seek out and latch on to such people because they are so desperately deficient in the kinds of healthy love and relationships they need but have never had. Intensely emotional, caring, empathetic people, in a sense, allow them to overcompensate for those deficits caused by the abuse they suffered. It can become a very co-dependent thing without either party realizing it.
Unfortunately - and I want to emphasize and stress in the strongest possible terms that I am not implying victims of such abuse are themselves abusers, as I don't want to attach or enforce any stigma against them - in some instances, those who are victimized can grow up to be victimizers themselves. The cycle can repeat.
So it may simply be that those who suffer such abuse are drawn to you, and that some of them happen to also be abusers themselves. I can definitely understand and sympathize with how disturbing that would be. I have - to my knowledge, for what little that may be worth - never had the misfortune of encountering the latter in my life to date. I hope I never do. Knowing they're out there at all is already enough to disquiet me if I dwell on it.
That you're married, not bitter, and still maintain those ideals is probably a sign that you're robust and healthy mentally despite these experiences. I would say take solace in that, and in having a spouse you love and family, and let them be the companions you desire. And when making friends, be observant of any possible signs of dependence. It's laudable and wonderful to be kind - but at least in my experience, it's possible to become something to people you don't realize you are, because they need it so badly. Which, you may be more than willing to be for them if you so desire. Just be aware of the potential perils of this.
Peace.
You sound like a profoundly empathetic and caring person. While this may be uncomfortable to contemplate, in many instances those who are victims of abuse - particularly by a guardian or care giver, and particularly when young - tend to seek out and latch on to such people because they are so desperately deficient in the kinds of healthy love and relationships they need but have never had. Intensely emotional, caring, empathetic people, in a sense, allow them to overcompensate for those deficits caused by the abuse they suffered. It can become a very co-dependent thing without either party realizing it.
Unfortunately - and I want to emphasize and stress in the strongest possible terms that I am not implying victims of such abuse are themselves abusers, as I don't want to attach or enforce any stigma against them - in some instances, those who are victimized can grow up to be victimizers themselves. The cycle can repeat.
So it may simply be that those who suffer such abuse are drawn to you, and that some of them happen to also be abusers themselves. I can definitely understand and sympathize with how disturbing that would be. I have - to my knowledge, for what little that may be worth - never had the misfortune of encountering the latter in my life to date. I hope I never do. Knowing they're out there at all is already enough to disquiet me if I dwell on it.
That you're married, not bitter, and still maintain those ideals is probably a sign that you're robust and healthy mentally despite these experiences. I would say take solace in that, and in having a spouse you love and family, and let them be the companions you desire. And when making friends, be observant of any possible signs of dependence. It's laudable and wonderful to be kind - but at least in my experience, it's possible to become something to people you don't realize you are, because they need it so badly. Which, you may be more than willing to be for them if you so desire. Just be aware of the potential perils of this.
Peace.
That's a really anomalously weird incidence of sexual abuse you've encountered there.
Everything is on a bell curve of course. There will be people who have encountered very little, and people like you who have encountered loads.
I think it fair to say the middle of the bell curve is a place where most people don't encounter that much sexual abuse/abusers/etc. So try not to get too disheartened by humanity on that count. It's just a bell curve, you just happen to be one of the anomalous outliers, because all bell curves have outliers.
Everything is on a bell curve of course. There will be people who have encountered very little, and people like you who have encountered loads.
I think it fair to say the middle of the bell curve is a place where most people don't encounter that much sexual abuse/abusers/etc. So try not to get too disheartened by humanity on that count. It's just a bell curve, you just happen to be one of the anomalous outliers, because all bell curves have outliers.
a reply to: TomSawyer
Reading your entire post here, I see you invest a lot of time trying to figure out and specifically "define" what a friend is and how many you should have or not have.
I suggest friends just develop over time. They tend to repeat their inclusion into your life over and over. We've all had acquaintances like in our grade, high school days...and they were surely "friends". But those close-friends-we-will-always-be-for-sure were the ones we hung with or continued to associate with, some even after school.
Even many of those years later...we no longer see or don't know what happened to them...and yet we were so close and thought we'd always be...yet it didnt happen that way.
So, I dont think you can "make" or "build" a friendship where there isn't one. I feel for you, but still think you over analyze too much and need to realize those people who come back into and out of our lives daily, weekly, etc...prove to be what we call a "friend".
Some have many, some have few, some have none. When you mentioned putting something on "craigslist"...I thought "oh-oh...this person is going 180% in the wrong direct". One doesnt "advertise" for friends.
That's quite spooky to me....good luck.*
PS There is a saying about the number of friends one has. If you can count the number of people you can call a friend on one hand, youre a very rich person!
Reading your entire post here, I see you invest a lot of time trying to figure out and specifically "define" what a friend is and how many you should have or not have.
I suggest friends just develop over time. They tend to repeat their inclusion into your life over and over. We've all had acquaintances like in our grade, high school days...and they were surely "friends". But those close-friends-we-will-always-be-for-sure were the ones we hung with or continued to associate with, some even after school.
Even many of those years later...we no longer see or don't know what happened to them...and yet we were so close and thought we'd always be...yet it didnt happen that way.
So, I dont think you can "make" or "build" a friendship where there isn't one. I feel for you, but still think you over analyze too much and need to realize those people who come back into and out of our lives daily, weekly, etc...prove to be what we call a "friend".
Some have many, some have few, some have none. When you mentioned putting something on "craigslist"...I thought "oh-oh...this person is going 180% in the wrong direct". One doesnt "advertise" for friends.
That's quite spooky to me....good luck.*
PS There is a saying about the number of friends one has. If you can count the number of people you can call a friend on one hand, youre a very rich person!
a reply to: justchilling
It's exhausting
Did you know
Mobile-friendly - "The fastest of the rabbits and hares, Jack rabbits achieve speeds of about 70 km/ h (about 45 mph) and can …." 20 m/s.
Can a cheetah catch him? She is very tired
It's exhausting
Did you know
Mobile-friendly - "The fastest of the rabbits and hares, Jack rabbits achieve speeds of about 70 km/ h (about 45 mph) and can …." 20 m/s.
edit on 31-1-2016 by justchilling because: (no reason given)
Can a cheetah catch him? She is very tired
edit on 31-1-2016 by justchilling because: (no reason given)
a reply to: TomSawyer
Ever try listening to others. Or perhaps getting along with people who are, in fact, different then you? How about getting off-line and doing something in the way of service to others in real life.
You cannot change others (or the world) to suit yourself but you can change yourself to function productively with the world and her people as they are.
Ever try listening to others. Or perhaps getting along with people who are, in fact, different then you? How about getting off-line and doing something in the way of service to others in real life.
You cannot change others (or the world) to suit yourself but you can change yourself to function productively with the world and her people as they are.
Join some kind of club with people who have similar interests. It takes time to really get to know someone, but don't expect them to all be like the
one's who have disappointed you. There are plenty of good people out there who would truly appreciate a friend like you. I wish you luck.
a reply to: TomSawyer
Sounds to me like your are little overly focused on what many may regard in some way that is off putting to people.
Ask your self if you are just as focused on 2-3 other things as you are in this one way that has been identified to you in this experience? if the answer is yes then perhaps you might like to think about spreading your focus onto a greater range of issues.
Sounds to me like your are little overly focused on what many may regard in some way that is off putting to people.
Ask your self if you are just as focused on 2-3 other things as you are in this one way that has been identified to you in this experience? if the answer is yes then perhaps you might like to think about spreading your focus onto a greater range of issues.
Are you trying to make friends at Chuck e Cheese, or the British parliament?
Just kidding.
That's really weird that you feel you have met that many child molesters and "crap humans".
Being a spiritual person and a lurker/member of ATS for about 12 years now, I also find it hard to have discussions about interesting or deep topics with 90 % of people, especially spirituality wise.
I think this is because we are in a sort of video game. When you gain knowledge and understanding of the world and try to change, it tests your seriousness of actually personally changing.
I have a really really big group of friends. I've noticed that groups split off into smaller groups who think like mindedly.
For instance: most of my friends are snowboarders cause thats my passion and thats what i've been doing my whole life.
From the snowboarders group, we have the pro's that whether they know it or not, maintain focus on being a professional snowboarder and having a very positive attitude towards life.
We also have the partiers. Some happen to be pro's as well but we get a lot of the drinkers mixed in there as well. These people are genuinely happy with life and have a positive attitude towards everything but lack the focus and discipline that the pro's do.
There are also the outdoors type. Who are pro's , like to party, and drink occasionally, but really just find passion in the out doors enjoying nature and camping.
Then there are "crap people". These are the people who weasel their way into the group of friends, or are already in it and find themselves making terrible decisions, usually related to drugs, and slowly fall away from the friends while everyone is trying to help them get better.
This is just a couple examples. But I believe this is how groups of people work. For the most part, everyone is friends, and the more you talk to people about things the more you will find you have in common.
Finding someone with the same spiritual beliefs is nearly impossible due to masses being brainwashed by religion. So keep an open mind and remember everyone is on their own spiritual journey of awakening. You most likely will have to take a leadership position in explaining things to people you want to be friends with.
My advice to you is to find your passion and try to associate with more people who enjoy that.
Just kidding.
That's really weird that you feel you have met that many child molesters and "crap humans".
Being a spiritual person and a lurker/member of ATS for about 12 years now, I also find it hard to have discussions about interesting or deep topics with 90 % of people, especially spirituality wise.
I think this is because we are in a sort of video game. When you gain knowledge and understanding of the world and try to change, it tests your seriousness of actually personally changing.
I have a really really big group of friends. I've noticed that groups split off into smaller groups who think like mindedly.
For instance: most of my friends are snowboarders cause thats my passion and thats what i've been doing my whole life.
From the snowboarders group, we have the pro's that whether they know it or not, maintain focus on being a professional snowboarder and having a very positive attitude towards life.
We also have the partiers. Some happen to be pro's as well but we get a lot of the drinkers mixed in there as well. These people are genuinely happy with life and have a positive attitude towards everything but lack the focus and discipline that the pro's do.
There are also the outdoors type. Who are pro's , like to party, and drink occasionally, but really just find passion in the out doors enjoying nature and camping.
Then there are "crap people". These are the people who weasel their way into the group of friends, or are already in it and find themselves making terrible decisions, usually related to drugs, and slowly fall away from the friends while everyone is trying to help them get better.
This is just a couple examples. But I believe this is how groups of people work. For the most part, everyone is friends, and the more you talk to people about things the more you will find you have in common.
Finding someone with the same spiritual beliefs is nearly impossible due to masses being brainwashed by religion. So keep an open mind and remember everyone is on their own spiritual journey of awakening. You most likely will have to take a leadership position in explaining things to people you want to be friends with.
My advice to you is to find your passion and try to associate with more people who enjoy that.
edit on 1-2-2016 by booyakasha because: (no reason given)
I know why this is happening to you. You being a good person has nothing to do with it. You doing good things for people will have no effect on
changing who you meet and end up befriending. Because the problem is in your subconscious. There is a stream of thought buried deep in your
subconscious that attracts you to people who are not of good character.
You can't hear this stream of thought and your conscious is not aware of it, but it is there. The only way for you to fix your subconscious so that you aren't drawn to people who are toxic is to go to a hypnotherapist who can reprogram your subconscious. This can be a very costly and time-consuming endeavor but it is worth it.
Do research on this and discover the truth for yourself.
You can't hear this stream of thought and your conscious is not aware of it, but it is there. The only way for you to fix your subconscious so that you aren't drawn to people who are toxic is to go to a hypnotherapist who can reprogram your subconscious. This can be a very costly and time-consuming endeavor but it is worth it.
Do research on this and discover the truth for yourself.
a reply to: TomSawyer
Keep being positive and keep in the mind the type of people you want to be friends with. Don't let your kindness drag you into relationships with negative people who are going to bring you down. Also, dont let your bad experiances with relationships affect your new ones.
Also, you might find it helpful to find someone that is an open book. If you meet alot of people with dark sides to them.
Anyway, theres my generic response i felt i had to write. There is alot of negative and nasty people in the world but if you can keep being positive, I think youll meet the right people. Good luck!
Keep being positive and keep in the mind the type of people you want to be friends with. Don't let your kindness drag you into relationships with negative people who are going to bring you down. Also, dont let your bad experiances with relationships affect your new ones.
Also, you might find it helpful to find someone that is an open book. If you meet alot of people with dark sides to them.
Anyway, theres my generic response i felt i had to write. There is alot of negative and nasty people in the world but if you can keep being positive, I think youll meet the right people. Good luck!
I wish i had that problem. I donthave any friends and tat is the way i like it. When you have a friend they always want something or disturb and
impose on my life I am happy with just my family and thats all i need. I usually have one person in my life that is not family and it is usually
female. That is enough. When i bump into somebody i know i say hi and keep walking. If they stop me and want my phone number i just give them the one
i have dedicated to people like this. I always make sure nobody finds out where i live because as i have found out the hard way they keep coming over
and are hard to get rid of. I even had to punch one guy in the head to get the message through. You are blessed not having friends because as you
have also found out the hard way, they all have problems which you do not need. So just give it time and that one person will pop up and thats all
you need and if he or she will have no friends aswell then your relationship will last many years. You just need one companioin in your life and
thats it. To hell with friends, who needs them, they always need you. When you are alone your one companion will always pop out of nowhere but it will
not last unless they also have no friends. Also go chillout with a bunch of guys and you will soon see that you are mixing with a pack of dogs. Just
wait patientlyly for your companion to show up and they soon will. you dont need to look they will find you. just wait and see that i am rightPeople
smell desperation and avoid it and when you dont how interest in people, everybody wants to know whats so good about your life that you dont want to
share and be a part of it. This is my experience anyway. I hope i have helped and good luck not finding friends as you dont need them. Sit back and be
good to yourself and they will all need you and you wont want them just like the others you mentioned. Actually you said you had a wife??? What do you
want friends for?? Id he has friends she needs to give them up and spend time with you so you dont feel the need for friends. You have
all that you need and if you do not have children yet maybe thats what its time for in your life. All the best for the fuiure
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