Lost ambition. How did I not notice?

I woke up, just a moment ago. I woke up, a bad excuse of a man on my own mothers sofa, just a little while ago. Unlike the other times I've woken up on that same forsaken sofa, this morning I only had one thought when I awoke; "I have lost my ambition".

I don't know why I had this realization this particular morning, but it sure hurt like hell when the thought hit me. I used to know where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. I don't anymore and that scares me.

I realized that I had lost passion too. Perhaps that is something that goes hand in hand with losing ambition. Maybe you can't have one without the other.
For so many years, music had been what drove me to progress in life. To move on. I still love music, but I have no ambition to become a professional artist/entertainer anymore. I gave up on that a long time ago, when I met my first true love. I know, I know; "fish in the sea" and "stars in the sky" but I've had many girls in my life. She was my first "it" and the only one since. She became my passion in life. I messed up. Had a psychosis. Eventually, she gave up on me. I've been... "lost" ever since.

That monster of a life-changing event that was my psychosis ended after several months. Luckily for me it wasn't that bad. I didn't hurt myself or anyone else. At least not physically. Didn't lose my job, only my mind and freedom of thought, temporarily, and her of course, for ever.

So, after the psychosis had ended, I decided to go back to school. Totally worth it. It's easy now. Only one semester left though, and I don't know what I'm going to do afterwards. I know I want to continue studying. I'd love to study history, but what am I going to do with a degree in history? It's not worth much. Considering political science, but why? What's my aim? I don't even know what kinds of jobs I can get after studying political science...

So I woke up this morning, and I realized that I was lost. Not sure General Chit Chat is where a thread like this is supposed to go, and maybe I'm exposing myself too much here, but ATS is kind of like a place to escape a little for me. I thought maybe you guys may have some good advice...

Anyway, cheers.

a reply to: ABeing I wouldn't worry about it. Life could be so much worse. Just go with the flow and try and find out what it is that you truly desire in life. Very few people really know.

a reply to: ABeing

I'm really sorry you feel that way. Have you sought professional help for your problem? Talking to someone who knows all about what you're going through might be really beneficial for you and might help you get that ambition of yours back. Or maybe you'll find out that you want to do something else, entirely, once you do. You never know. Life is full of surprises. Everything happens for a reason--so be happy that you didn't have to find out that she was a flake some other way. I wish you the best and I want you to feel better. What have your parents said about this? Do you think maybe they could help you come to terms with all of this so that you can move forward?

It doesn't matter what it's worth to anyone else besides you. If you want to study history, then study history. I love history, too. It's really cool. True, not much can be done with it. But what about teaching? That's kinda like being an entertainer.

I still live at home, too. I am finishing school, too. I had (have, actually. I relapsed. But am in treatment currently) anorexia and that kinda put a huge stopper on my life as I knew it at the time. I'm 24 and I'm still basically a sophomore in college. Now that's a sad excuse for a person lol But I'm going to finish my degree and then go on to grad school. Don't worry! You can do it! I mean, I don't know what psychosis is like but I do study psychology and if it only happened once and never again, then that sounds like it happened because of stress. Regardless, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

If your parents are receptive, I would suggest opening up to them and being as honest to them as you were to us here on ATS. I think that that would be a fantastic thing for you to do. And I think it'll help you feel a lot better. Now, if you can't talk to them, you need to find somebody in your life that you can confide in--another family member, a pastor/priest/etc, a therapist/counselor--someone. Anyone. Because while we can be here for you on ATS, that's not the same as being there for you in real life. And I feel like you'd benefit from some real support right now in the form of an actual hug.

It's going to be okay. This too shall pass. Your life is just beginning.

You can do it!!!

a reply to: ABeing

i suggest that all peasants study either farming, electronics, chemistry, and history for fun. I love history and literature but when rome falls, what will be valuable?

originally posted by: DOCHOLIDAZE1
I love history and literature but when rome falls, what will be valuable?

Shovels and friends.

a reply to: nerbot

i was thinking more like being in the right place at the right time

You are having growing pains. Time to look over your life and make changes to get where you need or want to be.

To wake up on your mothers couch is a great place to wake up. I can think of worse places to wake up.

When Rome falls we will need History teachers to educate our children.

Above all, enjoy life. It's a wonderful trip.

a reply to: ABeing

You're not lost man, you're just on the cusp of a new stage in your life and it's giving you the jitters. 'What happens next?' is one of those questions that can unsettle the strongest people. Being reflective and thinking about where you are in life is part of that process of thinking where you're going.

Your mum's sofa is proof that someone loves you and you have somewhere to stay. If you really had lost ambition you wouldn't be on here asking the question, right?! Right? It's true. You haven't lost ambition and your life is moving forward.

You should be congratulating yourself.

a reply to: ABeing

Just one thing to say man

Be special..................................Be yourself

Cody

a reply to: woodwardjnr

I know what I want.

Little cabin in the woods, few acres, pond or stream nearby...close enough. Colorado-ish. No phone, no pool, my critters.

I've had enough of the rat race....they won years ago.

Don't go with the flow, because the flow stops and you become lost due to relying on something other than your own motion.


In 2004 I was facing 10/15 years in prison for selling drugs. The two years I went through whilst it was going through court was the hardest thing I've ever been through. Homeless, skint and nobody to talk to because I pushed everybody away.

Then half way through 2005 I had an epiphany. The very society which I claimed to be a product of, was merely molded by me - I was an embodiment of the environment. It wasn't given to me, I embraced it and it resided in me because I allowed it and portrayed the very characteristics of it. So I changed my life, for me.

I joined a library and started reading philosophy books & self helping books. I got back in touch with my mum and apologized for everything I put her through with the police, school and people looking for me. She put me up for a year whilst I found work and was able to save money. I worked a #ty job for 4 years and even though it was a #ty job, I was still happy - because I learnt to appreciate things, which is what I've learnt make you truly happy. I used to be a person which would be happy and find success in materialistic things, big watch, nice shoes, nice cars, expensive clothes, fine dining and expensive holidays - But I learnt that defining your happiness off of something like that is silly, because you will only ever learn to want more, then happiness becomes unattainable because you are forever in pursuit of something more than what you have.


So I've learnt to dream, appreciate, love and above all - take care of your self, your mind and soul and the world will take care of you. You shape your environment. 10 years ago i thought I'd be in prison, but something took my side in fate, now I'm working as a Team Leader at a big UK gas company, a mortgage, a lady thats been with me since I started the journey 10 years ago (who is soon going to be my wife but she doesnt know yet shhh) a 5 year old daughter who is smart as #, another girl on the way 22nd this month.

It could have gone two ways, homeless for ever and become a bum - Or realize your potential and control your environment.

If you ever need a chat for giggles or exchange day to day #nings, feel free to u2u me brother

a reply to: NewzNose well at least you know what you want, now just aim to get there, maybe you could find work in Colorado with the Green rush there, then work on finding a small plot of land or maybe work in the many businesses open for the winter ski season. When I say go with the flow, it's only because you can't escape the flow. The flow is just the unfolding of time from moment to moment. It's impossible to escape that, so trust it, you have no choice in that matter. So to worry or get did heartened would be fruitless.

a reply to: ABeing

One of the most respected of men in my county was a historian. No degree, though. People took to him like ants at a picnic. He was a handshake kinda guy. He worked hard at his job, served his country for 2 tours when he was lost, got out after realizing what G.I. really means, and settled down.

Respectable enough to run for governor, but waay too smart for that. Dabbled in local because he just couldn't turn a blinds eye. Honest to the core.

He gave his time to charitable organizations as an orator. He would meander about and lend a few "Didja know...?"s .
He lended himself out as a walking encyclopedia of history. Talk about anywhere, anyone, at any time.

When he passed away, the city dedicated a building to him...a library.

JD discovered that ambition doesn't need to make you rich, it just needs to make you an honorable man.

I am who I am today because I got to work with this man. An historian.

originally posted by: ABeing
I used to know where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. I don't anymore and that scares me.

Maybe I can comfort you that you are still somewhat better off than me ...I never even knew any of this (who I was, what I wanted to be - I choose my profession regarding to what I was good at shool in and the proximity to the place I live and not so that I would do something I like [didnt even figure that out until today] and all seems pointless for as long as I can remember.
Most of my life I woke up (funny enough also on the couch of my mother but even worse because I hijacked my mothers apartement after she got married again :p), went to a work that I didnt like (and then dropped it ...one of my best decisions ever) then came home to my one-and-only-love-today which is a fkn CAT AND I SWEAR SHE WOULD KILL ME Iif she could only figure out how to open up the locker to get the food herself (no actually she is really cute ..but nonetheless my arms look like I am a heavy drug addict after "cuddling" with her ...tiny, sharp teeth and claws xD) ...and I dont even have ambitions to add an actual girlfriend/wife to "our" household because I stopped playing the "girls-game" years ago (...honestly - I always try to be a nice guy to almost everyone and if that isnt appealing enough for "modern-women" then I will not change myself only because they want to be "conquered" ...I remember that one girl that I really liked and she tried to make me jealous because she wanted me to "fight" for her but I did just walk away - am I the only one that gets disappointed rather than encouraged in such a situation?! For me emotions will never be a game I can play ...) ...yea and I also remember my first love years ago ..but she dropped me so I cant blame myself (or maybe I should because my psychosis lasts until today :p).

Well ..after reading this again I am almost sure that it wont help you but I also exposed myself quite a bit so at least you may look down on someone else who is even worse ...I heard that many humans get satisfied by that :p

a reply to: ABeing

You have two choices.

Collapse in a screaming heap.

or

Suck it up and move forward.

See - simple !

Now make your choice and go hard at it !

You'll make the right choice for you ...

See, this is exactly why I felt comfortable posting a thread about something as personal as this. You guys are great! Most of your replies gave me some perspective, which most of the time is really the only thing in need of fixing.

I really appreciate a lot of you opening up about your own experiences and sharing important lessons you have learned in life. That kind of gift, which is what I consider such sharing of experience to be, is invaluable. Thank you all for that especially!

I will take the time to reply to your posts individually soon. My holidays are over now so I'm heading back to school in a moment to begin my last semester there. Thankfully, I've got my trusty guitarr with me to relieve me of stress when I'm in need!

Thanks again guys, I'll get back to you all soon!

Having ambition does not mean that you crawl back to the corporate state in order to jump through their hoops so as to meet their definition of success.

That's the problem with "ambition"--so often it is characterized by how deeply a person is indoctrinated into "the system", and how well they pursue the prescribed goals of that system. If you don't want to participate, it may not necessarily be that you lack ambition...

It may simply be that you cannot abide bulls#. This is healthy.

It's hard as hell to face the reality of your life, especially when you are responsible for it. The fact that you are mature enough to acknowledge your issues and speak them aloud is a great first step. Just don't stop there. Keep moving forward.

One thing is true, we only hit what we aim for, so pick something and shoot for it. Best case scenario is a trade of some sort. Some skill that you can take with you and do, anywhere you go. History really isn't a "trade". A trade would be more like teaching.

Maybe you can find a trade and pursue history/political science as a passion?

Best thing to do is get off the couch and get out into the real world to wake you up some more...meet people...share your past dreams with them and hopefully get that spark into your life again.

Networking is where it is at my friend. A few times I lost my drive...but all it took was to meet a couple people in my industry to start the fire under the kettle and reignite my passion and dreams....

I ditched all the negative people around my life...ran away from them. Stopped hugging the tv, and starting exercising and reading useful literature related to my adventure.

Good luck my friend...

Don't give up. Just keep practicing a little each day and document what you have done and whay you are doing with a blog. Write tutorials if nothing else. I was unemployed for about three months and started writing a blog with a new article every two days. Within two weeks, I had found work.