I don't trust him

I am so angry at myself that I am at this place, yet once again.

Me and this guy first met 5 years ago, we began as friends with benefits but later began dating and became an item, it was I who wanted that because I began having feelings for him.

I believe the first time we were together almost 1 year.
But during this relationship he wanted sex everytime we met, we only met 1-2 times a week.
There was a lot of pressure, I wanted to keep him so I wanted to give him what he wanted and even though most of the times I wasn't in the mood I gave in anyways.

But he never took me places, we were always at home. I took him out for a trip one time because I wanted a fun memory.

After a while I gave up, he never treated me like a girlfriend it felt like. I ended the relationship. His response, ok.

A few months later he began taking contact with me again, my love flared up, I thought maybe it would be better this time. He asked how I was and then he began talking about all the wonderful sexual memories he had of us.

We gave it a try but this time it was worse than before, he stepped in as if we had been married for 10 years, still wanting sex everytime, it only lasted 3-4 months, the pressure was too much, also I was home all alone during Christmas that year and he didn't even invite me home to his family for Christmas. an invite doesn't mean I would have accepted but it is the polite thing to do if your GF is all alone during Christmas.

It was shortly after that I ended it.

3.rd time. 1 year later, he took contact again, same stuff, sexual memories, how he missed everything we had. And me who fall for it everytime wanted to give it a try, thinking, now or never again.

We sat down and had a serious talk about what our goals were, what we wanted with the relationship.
The good part lasted maybe a month, then it went south again, but this time he had become sick, and I wanted to be by his side, though even with his illness he always wanted to have sex. I just wanted to be there for him, take care of him, let him talk to me and so on. Actually that time was a little better for me because I cared more that time, I wanted to make him better. This time he ended it because he didn't feel he had the energy for a relationship due to his illness and he needed to take some time away.

I got very sad to be honest, but I let him go.

That time I broke all contact, no social media, no phone, nothing, i didnt want to be reminded or have him contacting me again.

But, 1,5 years later he took up contact again, saying he was much better now and how he missed me and all the sexual memories he had.
I was sort of sick of it now, but I missed him. All he spoke about was sex, his texts sex, on social media sex. Sex pictures all the time.
I told him, you have to stop with all of these sex stuff, it's off putting and I feel alot of pressure when I am with you that I must have sex with you every time.

This is on going now, we are not officially together but sort of... But I am at that point now that I just don't trust him anymore.

We spoke again, I said how I felt with the pressure and him being all over me 24/7 and not wanting to do anything else but come over to me and sit on the sofa making out that will lead to sex. I want to have fun, fun memories, short trips, movies, dinner, something, anything.

He wheeled me in this time by saying how much he wanted to have a baby with me, and he knows I really want kids.
So I pictured this whole happy family thing in my head.

Now he tells me he loves me everyday, every hour it is frikkin annoying, when u say it too much it's like you are overdoing it and it feels like lies.
I have only had sex with him 3 times during 3 months, and thats because I wanted it, might sound selfish but seriously, this time I will only give it when I want it!

5 years, I haven't met his parents, he never let me meet them, why?
5 years, he is like a boy in puberty wanting to hump me 24/7 when we are alone, but outside or among people he barely touches me, why?
5 years, never done anything romantic with me, why?

I no longer want him around, I feel almost face raped when he is around, I can't relax. I just don't trust him.

My previous boyfriends took me to meet their families within a month of our relationship and brought me to family gatherings and family birthday parties, took me out on movies, dinners, to their friends, never ever pressured me about anything, I could sleep next to them and feel safe, that they wouldn't try anything with me, that was real cuddle.
They held my hand in public, kissed me in front of their friends and family and mine.

See my point. But why the hell do I keep falling for his trap. Is he smooth with his words, can it really be he is playing me or is he simply a sexfreak and lazy as hell who just don't know how to treat a woman?

But in a relationship you are supposed to trust the one you are with, wanting to be with them and feel safe with them.
I don't with him. I can't help looking back and seeing all the signs.

Before he didn't even talk with me when I was on my period, he didn't come for a visit either. He knows I don't have sex when I am on my period.

Guys, and women... what do you think... is he playing with me or is he just lazy?

Buy him a love doll, one of those cheap ones. Leave it on the door step next tine he comes over.

God what a jerk, men can be such cretins. Sex isn't love, its lust.

Dump him, he doesn't love you, he uses you.

You need to think of men like food.
If it's not good for you don't have it around.

a reply to: spazze

I think your playing with you. I mean it is obvious that he doesn't want to be seen with you. Even if he is 'out' with you he acts like you both aren't together,get real. I can't believe people put up with the nonsense they do. Have you ever heard of 'lines in the sand'? Rules in a relationship you and him put down that if broken are deal breakers? Relationship is over then kind of thing.

I think more importantly is you need to lay down rules that you have to follow for your self esteem. I am not trying to jump on you and be mean.Hell you have done a better job of that yourself right now.You need to decide what is best for you and accept no less. I am not talking about,"I want a guy to carry me around on a satin pillow" type nonsense.Just rules of things you will and won't accept out of ANY relationship. You should have cut his apron strings to you in the beginning and didn't. Then it became an obsession it sounds like. Keep sex fiend out of your life permanently and find someone that wants you for who you are,and to start a new life with. Like the famed columnist Ann Landers always said, "people can't use you for a doormat unless you let them".

The fun in a relationship can go quite quickly when one side wants to get more "serious"

a reply to: Dimithae

I would state the same as you to others to be honest.
But love makes you blind I guess.
However I am beginning to see now though want others to verify my suspision.

He is very good with his words and I am easily manipulated by them I suppose.

However, thank you for your response.

a reply to: intrptr

Thank you.
You're right hehe.

a reply to: Bluntone22

Haha, that was a good one =)

I have asked others but they say that I should give him more sex and accept him for who he is.
And this from women. They called me a bad person for not having sex with him.

So I thought I'd try this forum instead.

a reply to: spazze

coming from a guy who loves females a good deal more than he likes guys, this dude is using you. I've been with a girl in in love with and we hook up every few years and we have a similar relationship. meet up, hang out, hook up. thing is, she and I both know what it is. I love her, she likes me, we aren't compatible... but solid manority or perhaps a small majority of guys don't care how you feel, they'll tell you what you want to hear and tell their friends differently. One thing you should do is figure out if he is an introvert with other ex's, if not that should validity my stance.

Sounds to me like he has someone else and is using you. Sounds like, even if he doesn't have someone else he is using you. You deserve a hell of a lot better than that. Find someone who will treasure you and treat you like you should be treated.

a reply to: spazze

Although there is a lot to comment on regarding your post, if I had to pick one deal-breaker, from my perspective it is that you don't feel "safe" with him. Feeling "safe" with your significant other is so, remarkably important, in my opinion.

Although physical safety is, of course, a must. I think a person has to feel safe all-around. Meaning that they feel safe to talk about their feelings or issues or opinions or wants and so on.

That is insane. I honestly do not understand women being in relationships wirh the guys they are.

And you seriously are telling me your women friends simply said to have more sex with him? What a joke.

I am a sex fiend. I could go for a love session with my lady multiple times a day everyday. But i do not. Not even close. I do not ask for it or expect it. If i want sex, i gotta put in Work and turn on the moves. That is just how it is.

I take my girl out on dates and activites ALL the time. A few activities a week at least.

I meam back in high school sure. Me and this same woman, we would come hang out and have sex every single time we did hang out. But times change, our relationship consists of alot more than just sex now.

Basically OP. Dump this man. If you can handle that much sex pressure, i PROMISE you there are many guys out there more than happy to spend some money on spoiling you and taking you out for dates if it includes sex. This man you describe simply wants Sex but without the effort. Think about it. He puts in less effort than somebody married for 40 plus years. That is just sad, he deserves nothing but his palm to wank with IMO.

You could have a fun active relationship with no Sex obligation - the best and most healthy.
You could have a fun active relationship with occassional sex obligations. -intermediate.
Right now you have a boring AND unfulfilled relationship WITH constant sex obligations - literally the worst of both worlds.


Apologies for any harshness in this. I just am so sick of guys getting and using great women.. Guys like this put in 1% of the effort and Probably get laid damn near as much as guys who do it right. Not cool.

Honestly girls should hold out much more often. Dbag guys do not deserve to get laid and this world would be better without all the easy as hell casual sex.

I am not talking about you here OP, i Know you have years and years with this.man.

rant off

You have just described a textbook Socioopath. You need to cut off all contact and never talk to him again. You cannot fix this person. He is a emotionless predator.

He is charming, manipulative and only wants a superficial relationship? He uses you for what he wants? Does he try to make you feel sorry for him? Does he abuse drugs or alcohol?

a reply to: spazze

I'm going to say I'm sorry you fell into his trap. For real, if you don't trust him then you should walk away. Trust is a huge factor in any relationship. I've been married for 11 years now and it's been up and down and all around but we are finally building up our trust because we do love each other.

This guy seems to only want sexy time with you and that's not healthy in my opinion. You know the answer in your heart ... Do what would benefit you. You are more precious than he is and you have to take care of yourself. I hated reading that everytime he contacted you again that he would bring up sexual memories of you two.. That made me angry and thinking he is a very selfish person.

I know love can make a person blind and then when you finally see clearly you realize what's in front of you. I wish you the best of luck and seriously think about leaving this guy for good and blocking him out of everything so there can be no more contact.

Much peace to you -nat

a reply to: Antipathy17

The only thing I know about one of his ex the one before me is:
They lived together, they spent time with his family and hers family and was with each other friends a lot.

Me however, 5 years in, only met his brother one time and his best friend one time and it was in the first year.
He does spend time with his friends, family and those he work with a lot. Have a bunch of "friends" on FB who he talks with on social media every day.

He might like the home life more than going out doing stuff.

All I know is, he didn't feel he got enough out of his ex becuase she didn't have sex very often with him as they did in the beginning of the relationship.

At that time I thought, well, sex once every 3 months or so, but if he wants that much sex and maybe he gets it once a week then that is little to him.

5 years with me and not even tried moving in with me. Last time we looked for apartmetns, I was the one looking, he wasn't involved at all. Those I wanted us to look at he found excuses to why we shouldn't take them.

a reply to: lightedhype

I do agree with you.
And as a woman, being treated like a woman, be taken out on dinner, getting some flowers, going to a movie once and a while makes me happy, "turns me on" or whatever. Makes me feel this man wants me.

They always say happy wife happy life... that includes girlfriends too.

I know, I am waking up to the reality now, I don't know why I feel sad about it, I guess I wanted to be wrong, maybe it was me, I know it sounds stupid and I know what I think when others are in a bad relationship and says the same stuff and now I am in that situation.

Silly.

But I will end it.

I have givven him so many chances over the years and he NEVER does anything, only speaks very well.

Lady,
You need to learn to respect yourself first.
If you don't, no man will.

a reply to: Metallicus

I dont know about charming, but he KNOWS my weak spots.
I love my pets, so he tells me often how much he loves them and loves to cuddle with them and they are so cute, ask me about them almost all the time and pet them a lot. I mean, he might like animals.

He knows I want a baby, so this time around he says that a lot, wheeled me in with that.
AND when we have sex he keeps saying oh I long for us to MAKE a baby, I wonder how it would feel like to come inside you to MAKE a baby.

Not to HAVE a baby, to make one, and he only wants to feel what the sexual feeling is like.
That has actually rubbed me completly the wrong way when he says that. During sex also.

He tells me what a great mom I would be and so on.

Hmm, makes me feel sorry for him, well, he uses his words, so now i know I would feel sad to break up with him because he tells me how much he loves me and misses me everyday, but sorry for him... Not that I can think of.
No drugs or alcohol that I know of.

He might be a light weight sociopath, I have actually been thinking about that for a few days, hense the reason why I don't trust his words, he never lives up to it, and it feels off somehow.

He seems to only want a superficial relationship, we don't do anything else when we are together, except watching tv but that ALWAYS ends up with him trying to get me to have sex with him, I can see his eyes change, it is scary to be honest. He holds my face really tight sometimes when we kiss and then try to move me on top of him, even though I told him I am not in the mood, I only want us to spend time together.

originally posted by: slowisfast
Lady,
You need to learn to respect yourself first.
If you don't, no man will.

Ha... tells a woman she needs to respect herself, calls her "lady"..

surely Darling or Sweetheart would have sufficed?

OP, you are best off without him. I am surprised you have given him this many chances. I know what it is like to want to be with someone so much that it kills you to see how they really are, watch them do the slow fade, ignore you. You want to do anything and hope they just see you.

They don't, won't. And they move on quicker than you can say "What just happened?"...

To almost be kept a secret, used only when they want, never caring about what you need or want. It's a soul destroying situation, you - no one - deserves that...

a reply to: laminatedsoul

Thank you!
Yes, now looking back I am also surprised I have givven him that many chances.
He is like a cold that after you have gotten rid of it, it comes back after a while.

Though this time I can really see it now. Because of all of the serious talks we have had about mostly the sexual stuff but also about how I want to be treated and how we should go out and do things together, several months in still nothing.

He hasn't even asked if we are an item. I don't think he even cares to be honest.
Love makes you blind sometime, hope too. It's been too many times now. It has to stop. because I am not happy in this at all!