How to be close and not hurt?

Somewhere somehow have become lost when it means relationship. Whether family, friend, romantics, business.

Therefore in any relationship to humans if I become aproxamitl close to their surrounding area I am afraid. Sudden intense fear I need to leave.

Right now I am sitting in drink some coffee there are no surrounding people in the area but I can see many humans in passing into and out of the store. I can even see a little bit of glimpses of the woman I was close to and lived in the same house for a year. I cannot talk to her or get close to her but I like to observe her from a distance it is good to see her.

Age 1-16 forced isolation
Age 17-20 self perpetuated isolation
Age 21-23 escaped fear of humans through prescribed medical drugs and illicit drugs. Around people but not close
Age 23-24 quit drugs, a year with her
Age 25-now I am more isolation than before multiple attempts to become close to friends family or dating make it so I become terrified.

I am surrounded by people they do not understand me

isolation leads to the loftiest realms of thought which can lead to enlightenment. although i have seen the study where loneliness is as dangerous as obesity.

i suggest hobbies and education into subjects that interest you, to take your mind off of anything that may be bothering you.



i was afraid of other people for a while too, some people say i was just shy others think i had a real social disformality. now i only choose to be around certain freinds and family.

a reply to: sociolpath

Right now I am sitting in drink some coffee there are no surrounding people in the area but I can see many humans in passing into and out of the store.

You probably look just as normal to them as they look to you.

No need to fear others you don't even know. They want to avoid trouble as much as anyone.

Smile and say hi and go back to your device.

a reply to: intrptr

i have human looking appearance, therefore my appearance in this context is not a concern.

if i try to form a connection with a human, my inward appearance is seen and they do not understand it, or do understand it but want to be away from it.

the experiences that form a person cannot be understood, then the person cannot be understood. if no one has observed the things i have observed, they cannot understand me as a living being.

a reply to: sociolpath

if no one has observed the things i have observed, they cannot understand me as a living being.

Try me. Or someone. Anyone. You might be surprised. Everyone is amazed to find others have had similar experiences, this makes them human.

Ultimately you are right, I don't know why you've been through. I've been through some gnarly stuff, too. The internet isn't the place to air some things. Sorry you feel the way you do.

a reply to: sociolpath

Under "ordinary" circumstances (that is, when all parties involved are at least close to well adjusted in some way), there is no way to approach relationships of any sort, no matter how shallow, or how deep, without risking being hurt.

It does not matter whether the relationship is as fleeting as the temporary connection one might have with a barista at a coffee shop, whom one must trust to deliver ones coffee without stealing ones credit or debit card information, or whether one is dealing with a potential life mate. From random people you meet once and never again, to friends, family, or lovers, relationships of every depth require a certain, varying degree of vulnerability.

Consumer or provider, customer or salesman, lover, brother, mother...

Human interaction is all about trust of varying degrees, and trust, as a byproduct of its function, leaves one open to assault. It is for this reason that I fail to understand trite phrases like "you should never turn your back on your friends". If your friends are good, they are only people you want to see your spine well enough to stick a knife in it. Choosing friends wisely keeps your spinal cord in one intact piece. Choosing them poorly winds you up in Steven Hawkings local jogging circle.

But there is, of course, more to it than that. You see, relationships are hard, because trust is hard to earn, and it should be. But half the game is making sure that you, yourself, are worthy of the trust others place in you. You also have to trust yourself well enough with the hearts of people you care about, because if you do not, your fear of failing them may cause that very fate to unfold. Unless both parties trust one another well enough to function the particulars of the relationship concerned, nothing positive can come of the association.

If you never risk anything, you never get anything in terms of relationships. Realistically speaking, that risk is not going to pay off every time, or even most of the time, unless you have certain advantages. In a game of poker, for example, ones hand can be good or bad, and one must balance the risk of playing or folding out, according to the value of ones cards.

Although people's minds do not work like a deck of cards unless they have a neurophysiological or neurochemical abnormality of some sort, the analogy is apt in this case. Let me explain.

Some people are blessed from the off. Born with either the genes or the nurturing surroundings necessary to provide them with sensible priorities, good instincts, and moral judgement. Some folk have to fight to gain those things, despite coming from backgrounds either denuded of love, money, or both. Those who are dealt the better of these two hands, have to put a damned sight less effort into understanding their relationships, because the writing describing each, is always on the wall, and is never inexplicably unreadable, or printed in a format which is incompatible with their linguistic centre. However, those who are dealt the worst of these hands have to force themselves to see the writing on the wall, and some times that writing will have come in the shape of a poorly printed Taiwanese translation of a South Korean original document, which itself was dictated by someone's drunken uncle, and contains obscure references to elements of local culture.

Neither hand is a guaranteed winner though. It is only probability which changes. It is often said that where romantic love is concerned, all that is needed is for two people whose psychological problems are compatible with one another, to meet under the right circumstances. I would say that of all the random, fortune cookie nonsense one could possibly hear, that is the closest to being actually accurate.

However, a word of caution. If you let mere mathematical probability own your perception of risk and reward where relationships are concerned, and you happen to have been dealt the bad hand, then you are going to damage yourself far more than you would, by opening up to someone.

Put another way, I have been burned quite badly, and by several people over the years, in various forms of relationships, from friendship to romantic love, the lack of a father figure in my young life, despite having a father who was at least physically present, if not spiritually or emotionally. However, having been burned does not make me shy, just wiser. I still take the risk with those I know I can trust and I will take the risk with someone I do not know at some point in the future, probably not the long distant future either. New associations form daily for many people, folks in urban areas particularly.

But there is no way to achieve anything without risking something. When the other option is loneliness, I say deal em, and let the chips fall where they may!

a reply to: sociolpath

I hold on tight to something each time I walk pass someone
I like to get to know people but fear the attachment
Its like I know you are cool but I already know I won't be there long.. so observing is good .. you get to decide if you likes or not so much

I look like a cockroach if you look long enough ?!? U sure u are people? I love that conversation you guys had.. made me giggle

a reply to: sociolpath

Your fears are not unfounded.

There is an inherent problem to affectionate (close) relationships. You get attached to each other, which can lead to a host of potential problems. Like one or the other feels disrespected, insulted or neglected. And there will be change, and ultimately there will be loss. That is guaranteed.

On the other hand, I wonder if there can be happiness without friendship? It is probably worthwhile to seek out good people. There's probably nothing to fear with good people.

i have realised, that physical distance from ones love is not a description of love.
maybe the pain was that i was causing pain in another. as i do to another, as i am.

to be close to another from physical approximation, is important i am sure. but also coming to think physical closeness to a person is important to avoid if my desire to be close is out of hunger or wanting something.

if i can be close to another being under the secret pretense to share the presense of joy from within, to shine light from my eyes into their eyes. to observe their light and say what a wonderful idea to look at the smile on your face.

i have concluded that until i can be physically close to someone without the idea that arises that i am taking something from them, it is better i do not get close.

if they do not understand me, so what. they do even if they do not know it. for the life inside me is the life inside them. now that i can see through the distances. and hopefully soon all through all the distances... i am close to all life, because i have life inside of me. the details, clutter, and oxidations encrusting each one of us that create the illusion of distance are no longer a factor.

i am not alone, nor have i ever been alone.

i have always been close. the love has been inside of me.

the accepted map of how humans function, has been a delusion. stress placed on physical proximity, physical functions, physical items, items of differently ranked social value, positions of differently ranked social value, positions of differently ranked mental functioning, positions of differently ranked thoughts and believes.

the constant force of seperations. a marraige cannot work in an environment flooded with frequencies that demand seperations.

seperate from everything but life, and the sense of distance and seperation becomes trivial. what you do, and what you think no longer is a big deal.