am i right to actually hate my sister?

let me start 5 years ago when it was my mothers 60th birthday.

i,ll try put this in shortest term as possible cause i know people really hate reading a novel.

i have 2 sisters and for my mothers 60th we agreed to get family together and go for a meal to celebrate,now when that night came around one of my sisters with my brother in law didn,t show up,their excuse for it later was they had no money and didn,t want to appear when they didn,t have money to contribute even tho they were told money doesn,t matter.

now we,ll roll on to two christmases ago when once again this sister and brother in law didn,t turn up on christmas day with the gran kids,no message or anything,it was fine cause me and my other sister with the grankids were there and we still had a good day.

now lets move it forward to tonight when its my mothers 65th birthday,my sister who has always been there just happens to be on a holiday with her one and a half year old child and won,t be back till saturday.

now i spoke to my other sister on saturday and said i,m going to take mum for lunch or dinner will you come? shes like of course i will but guess what today comes again and no sign,not even a txt to my mum to wish her a happy birthday,tried to phone and guess what no answer.

i,ve spent full day with my mum and even my aunt and uncle(my mums brother)who suffered a stroke not long ago managed to travel 8 miles on a bus to wish her a happy birthday.

my gf was working so i ended up taking my mum myself,she says it doesn,t bother her my sis once again didn,t contact her on a special day but i,m not convinced.

so as my title asks do you think its right to actually feel real hate for my sister?

I think hate might be a bit strong, but you've every right to be annoyed.

Probably the best thing would be to have a quiet word with her when things have cooled down and explain that her behaviour has been hurtful.

After that, just carry on with family events with the attitude that it would be nice if she turned up, but don't expect it.

a reply to: berenike don,t think a quiet word would go down too well with her,shes kinda head strong.

i can carry on just fine,mean if she doesn,t want to show then to me thats her problem but as much as my mum keeps telling me it doesn,t bother her i,m pretty convinced it hurts her quite alot .

a reply to: sparky31

Hate leads to the dark side bud , just let her do her own thing and be there for your mother .

I just missed my mothers birthday because my sister and i do not get on ,but i am the one who does all the running around after her most of the time .

Anger, disgust, disappointment, are all understood emotions, but hate seems too strong.

My advice to you would be to stop calling her, stop inviting her out to the birthday parties or family get together's. Right now she is riding on the feeling that she is wanted, perhaps even needed. She needs to know that life is fine without her. She will either come around, or she won't, but hate is not needed. She is your family, be there for her with love in your heart if she turns around. If not, at least you won't have a heart filled with hate.


I have a brother who refuses to have anything to do with anyone in the family because some of us are Conservatives and some of us believe in god. I had a hard time with this at first, still do at times. I wish him well though. He is filled with hate, I cannot stop that. If he comes around I will be there with love, if not at least I wasted no time hating.

I'm going to assume there is more than just a lack of attendance that leads you to feel this way about your sister, but assumptions aside, and with the information we have to go from, I'd say hatred is a bit over the top here.

Clearly what she is doing is extremely rude. Saying you're going to be there and then simply never showing up without a sign would disturb me beyond belief as well; especially to that consistency. However, some people just lack specific traits that makes them feel it is necessary to commit to their word.

Of course, it could be something totally different. She is quite obviously a very to-herself type person, and she may simply be too embarrassed to confess that she totally forgot about the birthday and had previous plans. Might seem far-fetched, but there are personality disorders that could really contribute to her actions.

I actually hate my entire family, but it's not just one particular thing that they do that gets to me. It's essentially their entire mentality that for some reason I simply cannot stand, or even handle to be around. I'll exclude the details and leave it at that.

Then, of course, we can always come to the conclusion that some people's personalities simply do not coexist well with other people's personalities.

it annoys me even more cause she knows my mums lonely since my dad died and like last year i think she saw her maybe 3 times out whole year,my other sister comes down and visists but its like maybe a couple of times a month.

i visit 3-4 times a week,i,m not saying i have a problem with that but think when your mums less than 10 mins away even popping in for ten mins is not exactlly to much to ask.

Obviously you have identified a pattern of behavior yet haven't adjusted your expectations. Perhaps your mom did long ago. I have a family dynamic with equal dysfunction. In my opinion,don't hate your sister...don't waste the energy on her at all...Because without a doubt your hate would affect you more than her. I doubt anyone else's feelings would be on her radar screen. That may be judgemental on my part,but as a mother of adult children,if they couldn't find the time to say Happy Birthday,yes,I would be sad,but I wouldn't want a family feud to start over it. Focus on yourself,and your relationship with your mom and let sis mend her own fences.

I think what she does is very hurtful. I agree with you and am sure your Mother is hurt when your Sister does that.
One day Mom won't be there anymore, and by then it will be too late for your Sister to make amends.

a reply to: sparky31

so as my title asks do you think its right to actually feel real hate for my sister?

I think you have no right whatsoever. I think that should be between your Mother and Sister. Have you ever asked your Sister why this is the case? If not, it's simply a matter of perspective, and you aren't aware of your Sister's or Mother's, really. They are the only ones who truly know what there perspective looks like. I understand being pissed, I guess I would be as well, but get to the bottom of it with your Sister, for your own well being. You may view things differently after that. Good Luck

No one can tell you it is OK to hate your sister but you. No one is responsible for your feelings but you. You are not responsible for your sisters actions or your Mother's feelings. Be there for you Mother if you feel you need to. That is all you can do. You cannot control your sister, nor should you. What she does is really none of your business.

Send her invites if you wish, but know that she will probably not show up and just let it go. By now you should expect her not to.

Or you can go on the rest of your life stressing over what your sister does and does not do. It is a waste of energy if you do though. Ultimately it is your decision.

a reply to: sparky31

Perhaps it is you she doesn't like. You're over at your mom's 3-4 times a week? Maybe you should cut the cord. Just kidding, but do you think that your relationship with your mother might be a bit too much for her? If she feels any of your hate, perhaps she just feels judged.

its getting late for me and i,ll thank everyone for their replys but got to admit i,m kinda shocked by some of them,yeah its fine saying let your sis get on with it or let your mum and sis get on with it.

maybe times have changed but knowing my mums that upset even tho she trys to say she isn,t but shes my mum so can read her like a book and think its cool and just let them get on with it?

really has kinda shocked me,was always brought up to respect my mother and sorry someone upsetting her that much i,m not going to like very much.no matter who it is.

a reply to: Woodcarver well when u only stay 5 mins up the road from her in your own town then popping in for an hr 3-4 times a week doesn,t seem eccesive to me. 4hrs a week out of 168? yeah its way too much for her.what is wrong with people these days?even visiting your own mother is too much?

originally posted by: sparky31
a reply to: Woodcarver well when u only stay 5 mins up the road from her in your own town then popping in for an hr 3-4 times a week doesn,t seem eccesive to me. 4hrs a week out of 168? yeah its way too much for her.what is wrong with people these days?even visiting your own mother is too much?

Some people just have different priorities in life. You clearly have a very close connection to your mother, your sister doesnt hold that same value. Simple as that.

originally posted by: sparky31

maybe times have changed but knowing my mums that upset even tho she trys to say she isn,t but shes my mum so can read her like a book and think its cool and just let them get on with it?

really has kinda shocked me,was always brought up to respect my mother and sorry someone upsetting her that much i,m not going to like very much.no matter who it is.

Why not just take at face value that your Mother is not upset like she says she isn't? If she says she is not upset she probably isn't. She probably realizes your sister is not going to show up and has accepted it. If you want a more relaxed world then perhaps you should consider it as well. Unless you just enjoy the stress and drama.

a reply to: Baldryckwow you asked me that?do you know your mum?shes my mother i know when shes upset and just trying to put a brave face on,thats what mothers do but its also pretty obvious when shes upset.

its same as the girlfriend,when shes upset or pis*ed off,you just know,well i hope you do cause not being able to read a woman will be more stress and drama than you could handle in a life time.

a reply to: sparky31

You know nothing about me or my life. I choose not to air my family dirty laundry on the internet. I do know I live a drama free life though.

a reply to: sparky31

i hate my sister too. But i love her to death forever, therefore i only hate some of the things she does!!

what you're feeling is resentment.

now, the real question is what drove her to have those sentiments toward the family. i dont mean to intrude, but i feel like there are some stones unturned in this whole story.

Don't even waste your energy hating her, just stop asking her to show up.

Doesn't sound like she's worth having around anyway.

Then talk your mum into cutting her out of the will.