Subtle Abuse

Subtle Abuse


There are many ways to be abused. The actions of others inflicted upon us can often be in the form of manipulation; subtle abuse.

When I was a child I was abused by someone very close to me. The way they went about it was covert and extremely difficult to recognize as abuse. When you are violently abused there is no doubt about it, there may be some lack of evidence as a result; you may not have seen their face or know who they were.

Subtle abuse is much more difficult to overcome because the memories of the relationship are skewed over time; often buried deep and with a caveat, often the behavior that precipitated the abuse becomes the fault of the one abused.

For many years, while becoming older and growing into my maturity, there was always this memory of a supposed relationship with my abuser. I let it happen. It was my fault. What I felt was my responsibility.

It was so diabolical on so many levels the abuse was so subtle that I blamed myself. Having your innocence taken from you in the blink of an eye, by someone trusted, not just by me but my parents, too, makes it all the more impossible to accept.

My self destructive behavior was never accepted for what it was; it was always the result of rebellious actions from my teenage years, to the adult behavior of a selfish, conceited cry for attention.

It was not until I had a serious desire to end things that I was given the answer; I had a regression memory episode brought on by a desperate attempt to understand why I felt the way I did. It was then that I finally remembered the first encounter, the initial abuse and it was as if an entire book of facts became fiction instantly; I felt this way, not because of something I did or because of my own behavior, but for the "free will" decision at the hands of another, inflicted upon me.

I never asked for this. I was left to travel a very lonely road as a result, full of unspeakable behavior that I will always have to accept, but at least now, I understood it wasn't me, I was pushed down that road by the very subtle actions of an abuser.

This is not an attempt to diminish other forms of abuse, just an effort to put something into perspective. When we know why and how the abuse happens it is much easier to move forward, still hard to overcome either way.

My family for many years only had my behavior to judge me by, they did not realize why I did the things I did and neither did I. I can not change any of it, but they have a better understanding, now. If the abuse had been overt when it happened, I still would have been dealing with it, but the difference is that others would have known about it in real time rather than after 20 years of behavior patterns without any reasoning.

Maybe the abuser would have been caught and brought to justice instead of being able to flee jurisdiction and continue their behavior in another city, as they did before they abused me and after. As it stands, not only did this person rob me of my innocence, they inflicted more than just abuse on me, they changed the dynamics of my entire family.

I lost so much because of this and have spent the remainder of my adult life doing what I can to overcome the results; I had to accept the fact these things happened and that they were always going to be a part of my personality going forward. Who I was before is not who I am now, but it required so much more effort to find positives in order for me to reconcile the actions of another.

I wished death and destruction on the life of my abuser, that itself was the first step to finding positives; I had to not give this person any more power, I had to find a way to forgive. How do you find the strength to do that, forgive someone that caused so much grief and pain and hatred?

It is not easy. In fact, it is the hardest part, not the abuse itself, but finding the positives in order to forgive. That was a struggle for 14 years after I came to grips with the abuse itself. So, to do the math for you, 12 years of my life were wonderful and innocent, 20 years of my life were full of self destructive behavior patterns searching for reasons why and the next 14 years were spent undoing and looking for a way to forgive, not only my abuser, but my family, too.

I was angry and disappointed in my family, especially my parents for allowing this person to stay in our house and sleep in my room the first night the initial abuse happened; they did not do it on purpose, but they allowed the circumstances. Then they added insult to injury by allowing it to continue and abandoning me as an adult.

Forgiveness and searching for positives were paramount for me to finally put this behind me and truly enjoy the life I have now. Again, how do you forgive something so heinous? For me, it became another journey for my soul.

That was the key; accepting that there were valuable lessons gained from these experiences, regardless of how much turmoil there was, I still grew as a soul. I chose to take lemons and make lemonade, still sour, but easier to swallow with the sugar mixed in.

Nothing will ever change what happened, but the only way for me to change the narrative was to write a different version; not the victimized abused child, but the wiser and more spiritually evolved soul with a journey not to be denied.

I made a choice not to allow another to keep me from my ultimate destination; that is how I forgive my abuser and my family, they have their own journey's and their own destinations to deal with and I will not inflict my own victimization on them anymore.

They are released from my narrative into footnotes, reminders, but no longer obstacles.

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

Again, how do you forgive something so heinous?

I'll respond with an equally heinous reply. The possibility exists that you agreed, before this incarnation, to have those things happen. I'm sorry but it's probably true. You may have been learning for yourself, or you agreed to help the abuser (before you were born,) learn lessons that he/she needed to learn. Life is all about advancement and learning, unfortunately, in order to learn something important, you had to experience abuse this time. I know it sounds impossible, but forgive and forget. Ask yourself, WWJD? LOVE

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

I can relate.

My solace comes from the fact that those who hurt me are either dead or soon will be. But the hatred I have will linger beyond that and it has made me a very angry person. I don't want to be an angry person forever.

Venting helps and it can help you to move on.

originally posted by: donktheclown
a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

Again, how do you forgive something so heinous?

I'll respond with an equally heinous reply. The possibility exists that you agreed, before this incarnation, to have those things happen. I'm sorry but it's probably true. You may have been learning for yourself, or you agreed to help the abuser (before you were born,) learn lessons that he/she needed to learn. Life is all about advancement and learning, unfortunately, in order to learn something important, you had to experience abuse this time. I know it sounds impossible, but forgive and forget. Ask yourself, WWJD? LOVE

Something is wrong with you. Probably has been for many lifetimes.

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

I t does help to talk about it and this is a very good thing -"They are released from my narrative into footnotes, reminders, but no longer obstacles.".

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

Most of the abused are manipulated and groomed into it much like you described. That's why there is so much shame even when the victims are very small when it happens. That's why many don't come forward if at all for many years down the road.

Most abuse is by those that are loved and trusted. It's manipulative. This is one of the reasons why there are more male victims than is currently reported or even understood(with far reaching consequences).

It's good that you were able to work through things and understand that you were abused. Hopefully you will be able to reach out to others like you to find support as it is a truly horrible situation.

a reply to: donktheclown

Gothard is that you?

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree
I respect that you don't let your abuser define who you are today.

originally posted by: donktheclown
a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

Again, how do you forgive something so heinous?

I'll respond with an equally heinous reply. The possibility exists that you agreed, before this incarnation, to have those things happen. I'm sorry but it's probably true. You may have been learning for yourself, or you agreed to help the abuser (before you were born,) learn lessons that he/she needed to learn. Life is all about advancement and learning, unfortunately, in order to learn something important, you had to experience abuse this time. I know it sounds impossible, but forgive and forget. Ask yourself, WWJD? LOVE

WWJD? Are you kidding or being serious?

I get your new age stance on this post but, SERIOUSLY????????


You could have just said forgive and forget but, the rest of your post is completely unfounded and frankly a bit insulting to the OP.

Just my opinion though.

a reply to: donktheclown

That is certainly possible and in fact something I originally thought, however, I changed that conclusion. I stopped feeling that way because, my higher power informed me that I did not ask for this lesson, it was a free will choice of another that was inflicted on my human condition.

This was not an attack on my soul. It was an attempt to derail my journey. Fortunately, I was able to divert myself back on the path I was intended to be on.

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

This was not about venting. This is about overcoming. This is about releasing the anger and hatred from within. Changing the narrative and allowing for the spiritual path to continue. There is no solace in them being dead, there is no closure, the chapter was written and the book still exists, the only way for there to be a true ending to the chapter is for there to be an actual ending, that has to be written in such a way that the next chapter can begin with a different narrative and not continue with the same muscle memory.

There is real power in forgiveness.
It may be hard, so hard that you'll think is impossible.
I did it once, and it felt like I ripped my soul in two, never felt something so painful in my life.

But the moment you forgive you set yourself free. Free from pain, from hate, from being abused.
Most of the time we believe that we do a great favor to the other person when we forgive.
It is not that way. We do ourselves the biggest favor we can do: we allow ourselves to go on with our life. The other person doesn't even need to know, they won't feel a thing. But you will know. There will be a huge, dark burden lifted from your soul; you may feel that for the first time in a very long time you can actually breath free. Forgiveness is a psychic, emotional and physical relief that I cannot describe.

So if you can, gather all your strength, all your will and forgive from all your heart. Don't ponder over it too much, just do it. You only have to do it once. The forgiveness will heal you like nothing else can do it. You will get your power back, even more than you ever had.
Cross back into the light. You can do it.

a reply to: reldra

Talking is a way to bring the issue to the surface, but the only way talking helps is if you are doing it with the right person. Otherwise, the tools necessary to actually deal with it may not be presented. I was fortunate that I did get the right answer from my higher power and I also received counseling from someone with experience in such matters, but the work still has to be done, daily.

Thank you.

a reply to: OrphanApology

Thank you. However, I do not draw a line with gender over such matters and I did not specifically suggest I was male. This issue is the same for either gender.

a reply to: Mousygretchen

Thank you for the respect, however, the abuse does define me, it did alter my personality, but now it does not impede my spiritual being from the journey I was intended to take. The power that I gave the abuser to control me is gone.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

Well fortunately I did not take offense. My ability to look past those that have no idea what they are talking about or think they can push my buttons is up to me. He was wrong and I came to that conclusion without his input.

This was not an attack on my soul. It was an attempt to derail my journey. Fortunately, I was able to divert myself back on the path I was intended to be on.

a reply to: soulpowertothendegree

I'm glad to hear that. Good luck.

Just my opinion though.

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric
This isn't my OP and I didn't ask for your opinion. You don't understand, that's all.

a reply to: WhiteHat

I said as much in the OP. I did not need to forgive for them, I did not need to contact them personally. The pain and anger and hatred were released and burned. That was for me, absolutely. The power of forgiveness is definitely for the forgiver to benefit from and move forward. My human condition can continue and my spiritual path can be restored by making that decision, it has been in both cases.

a reply to: donktheclown

Thank you.