Help Take the "Market" Out of "Telemarketing"

You've been called by a telemarketer, right? Well, I'm sure you have. But don't buy that tele-zapper just yet, have some fun first!

Premise
Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you
talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you're selling.

Counter-tactic:
Waste as much of their time as you can. Each minute that you waste
means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make
telemarketing unprofitable. Hanging up only increases the chances for
them to make another sale. Don't let this happen.


Basic points system:
Each minute spent on the phone..............................10 pts/min
Getting transfered to someone who makes more
than minimum wage..........................................15 pts
Each minute spent on the phone with person making
more than minimum wage.................................25 pts/min

Bonus points:
Getting answers to stupid questions.........................15 pts ea.
Changing the subject............................................50 pts
Making the telemarketer angry..................................175 pts
Making the telemarketer hang up................................750 pts
Call back, get his/her boss on the phone, and tell
him/her the telemarketer hung up on you.................1,500 pts
Getting their 1-800 number......................................20 pts
Checking the number a week later and it's busy or
disconnected............................................5,000 pts

Rule #1: Don't be humble or sympathetic towards them, telemarketers don't have feelings.
Rule #2: Never hang up on them! You want as much time as you can get. Let them hang up.


This one is my favorite:

[Me] Hello?
[Them] Hello? I work for (...) and need to know if you would be interested in buying (...)
[Me] I am so terribly sorry, but you have the wrong department. Let me reconnect you.
(press any number, and then wait a minute or two. don't even try to play music)
[Me] Hello?
[Them] Hello? I work for (same as first time)
[Me] Oh, no. Not again. (mumble something they can't unerstand) I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, we have a new employee working at our help desk today, and she must have connected you to the entirely wrong department. I will connect you back to her/him again. You must to tell her you need to reach line #427.
(press a button, wait a minute or two, no music)
[Me] Hello?

You can see where this is going, so just use your imagination and try to keep up the conversation as long as possible! Remember a minute wasted is a customer lost.

Wonderful ideas you have. I usually don't try to gain points, because regardless of the amount of damage these things will do, it is still a waste of my time. However, if I was drunk, this might be fun to do.

I wonder how many people actually entertain telemarketers beyond the introduction? I know I dont.

Next time a telemarketer calls i'm playing a game

lol why isnt this is in the jokes puns and pranks section.. non the less ill have to test that out and see what they will say lol

[edit on 30-12-2004 by ShadowMan]

I just remembered another great idea for telemarketers:

If you know another language, use it. Then when you finally "understand" that they are speaking in English, speak in a very confusing English, and repeat often. That way they are still thinking they could make a sale with you, until after you think they've had enough say "Sorry, not interested. Bye!" and hang up.

I know it breaks rule #2, but still it's a whole lot of fun and it wasted a solid 10 minutes when I tried it.

Or you can just politely ask them to hold on for a second, put the 'phone down and walk off, carry on doing what you were before.
Jack

I like to talk in circles. I say
"where are you based?"
"Pheonx Arizona"
"Hm Whats that?'
Pheonix arizona, sir"
"Phoenix isnt that in Alabama?"
"No sir"
"Then where is it?"
"Arizona"
"What you say?"
etc etc etc