I was lost in a beautiful delusion

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

What part of 'illusion' escapes your understanding?

a reply to: nwtrucker

This OP is asking for support. Can you not understand that the relationship MAKES THEM BOTH HAPPY and is functioning positively?

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

Drugs? Really...? Which drugs exactly? Man, I was expecting you to say he cheated on you. WOW! I certainly hope it wasn't marijuana, because then I'm going to side with the guy.

Oh wait, I see you were in law enforcement... Carry on..

a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Your measurement of 'degree' isn't germane. Hers is. It's her relationship AND future of her children that is relevant.

Fortunately, for her this was exposed before marriage. It makes her choice far easier and one I agree with.

If they were already married, and taken their vows, then that would make for a different scenario. She'd be obligated by those vows to help him as best she can and if that help failed, then decide whether to divorce or not.

IMO, not telling her/withholding the drug usage is the bigger 'sin'.

No matter how it is spun. The 'beautiful, loving relationship' was a fraud in her eyes.

The only thing I'd comment on is the 'poor me' thread. She should count herself truly lucky this was aborted before matrimony and move on.

a reply to: BuzzyWigs
I think that I feel this sort of betrayal because of the fact that he did not confide in me.
I have to take a bit of a laid back approach to him because of his lack of life experience and his tender spirit.
I don't and have not talked to anyone about this issue as I have no one to confide in. I guess that's why I posted it on here. To get some feed back and possible direction. And to vent. Definitely to vent.
I value him to too much to slander his name or degrade him.
I know a lot of the drug he is using. I printed off information. Read to him and told him of the dangers. I told him stories of people I used to know that got caught up in the same thing. I don't think he really knew of what he was doing to himself. He just enjoyed the ride.
My plan right now is to continue daily communication with him on this subject. Its all out in the open now so maybe that will help him to deal with it and he is talking freely about it.
He is having some withdrawals and I am being patient and supportive. Keeping the fridge stocked with good veges, fruits and juices and making sure he gets plenty of hugs and "i love you's".
I will get over the hurt in time. Not because I have to but because I want to.

a reply to: nwtrucker

She should count herself truly lucky this was aborted before matrimony and move on.

She IS MARRIED to him. Read the OP again.
And she loves him, and they have built a life together that they have both enjoyed.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

I know a lot of the drug he is using. I printed off information. Read to him and told him of the dangers. I told him stories of people I used to know that got caught up in the same thing. I don't think he really knew of what he was doing to himself. He just enjoyed the ride.

Well, he's not the "people you used to know" who got caught up and had negative outcomes.

And if he's been doing this for 16 years, he obviously manages it without it being a real danger to himself.
Keep up the communication. I'm glad to hear he is talking freely about it - that is an AWESOME first step. It says a lot about your partnership. Remember to TRUST that he is the expert on himself, no matter how long you've known a person, you can never know EVERYTHING.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

I have to take a bit of a laid back approach to him because of his lack of life experience and his tender spirit.

??? So, you think he's too immature to man up? Sounds to me like he DID man up. Maybe he was protecting you from feeling hurt - "lack of life experience"??? He's 45 years old. That's a lot of "life experience."

He's not your child. I can understand the "laid back" thing, believe me. But you aren't his mother. Have you and he both investigated the prognosis together? Surely he knows something about the 'dark scary world' or he'd be dead by now. Or in jail.

a reply to: nwtrucker

So your advise is she should spend the rest of her life alone and miserable, simply because she caught her bloke getting stoned behind her back?

Man, that anti-drug logic really brings out the common sense in people.... Do I need to point out that I'm being completely sarcastic here? Probably, lol.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

I think that I feel this sort of betrayal because of the fact that he did not confide in me.

What would you have done if he HAD confided in you?

And conversely, what did he THINK you would have done?

a reply to: BuzzyWigs
Oh no, Hes all man! He was just extremely sheltered . Living in the sticks with his family, limited outside communication, seriously everything was limited. He had never had a girlfriend for more than a few months at a time and not many of those. No need to get his drivers license until 28 yoa. A simple life with simple responsibilities is what he knew before we moved from our hometown. I cant help but wonder if the shock of moving to a big city had something to do with it. He did mention that he felt like he couldn't keep up with the energy level that was needed anymore.
There will be lots of talks to "figure it all out".

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

There will be lots of talks to "figure it all out".

Good. Perhaps some exploration into family systems will help also. There are no "do-overs" when it comes to how we are raised, and it's important for him to think about the way his parents were brought up and why they raised him the way they did....

a reply to: BuzzyWigs
I would have talked about it with him just like I have done with any other issue that has ever come up.

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

She's happy? Really? She was happy...until reality sets in. just in time, I might add.

I merely suggest to her that she's LUCKY to have found out in advance, count her blessings and move on.

Your giving her 'support' is valid. So is pointing out the positive aspects of this situation.

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

I would have talked about it with him just like I have done with any other issue that has ever come up.

Okay, good. And what did he THINK you would have done? Surely that issue needs to be addressed. You said you were an LEO. Would you have turned him in or dumped him if you'd known BEFORE you got married?

a reply to: nwtrucker

I merely suggest to her that she's LUCKY to have found out in advance, count her blessings and move on.

*sigh*

DUDE.
They are MARRIED. What part of "read the OP" do you not understand?

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

Drugs? What kind of drugs?
At least he isn't a rapist or serial killer. I mean, things could be a hell of a lot worse.

a reply to: BuzzyWigs

Ah, then I missed that. Still, it's her call.

In that case her vows do come into play. Even if the trust side of it has been mangled, I'd say that he merits her help in overcoming the usage-that's assuming there's a willingness desire to change his usage and the mentality that withheld that usage from her.

If there is no willingness-and he knew it was not right as he withheld it from her- then it's her call.

She needs to get over it. Either with the compassionate support as the other poster said or the move on, your lucky it went no further south before you found out approach or a bit of both.

Simply put it's over. Done, End of chapter.

Those of you who would go farther in your support in the attempt to regain what was lost, good on you. May you never be put in that position...

a reply to: sassymcsnickerson

I feel that I must be the most stupid, oblivious, naive idiot in the entire world.

You're not the deceiver, the drugs are in control of his behavior.

Drug addiction never ends well. If he continues to use and defend it, you have two choices. Let him take you down with him and suffer all kinds of travail or let him go that road by himself, sparing you and the kids.

Remember he has misled you all this time, keeping secret what he knows is unacceptable. He can't be trusted to tell you the truth, now.

As hard as this is, you need to make arrangements to end it in preparation for confronting him one last time about it.

He has to seek treatment or you're gone. An intervention may be in order if there are enough caring people and an agency to help with it.

a reply to: Subaeruginosa

Are you OK?

who said anything about being alone and miserable for the rest of her life? Oh, that's right. you did!

There's a saying in the trucking industry, " I was looking for a job when I found this one"....as he walks out the door..

In case your high, I will simplify, she back to square one...but a little bit wiser.