Jay Leno quotes!, page 1

- A new poll shows that 54% of women said they would rather have a perfect body than a genius IQ. I guess with a genius IQ, they can do whatever they want. With a perfect body, you can get somebody else to do whatever you want.

- According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

- A new study finds that women use their whole brain when listening and men only use half of their brain. You see, men use the other half of their brain to come up with excuses. I don't think women use their whole brain when listening. I think they use half of it and the other half is used to memorize what men are saying so they can use it against them 10 years later!

-Al Gore has challenged Bill Bradley to a series of debates. That should be exciting. The one who is still awake at the end will be declared the winner.

-George W. Bush now says he opposes same-sex marriages. President Clinton said today he also opposes same-sex marriages. But, see, in Clinton's case, he means he opposes sex with the same person you're married to. I don't think he understands the issue.

- A group of women recently stripped naked to spell out peace in protest to the war in Iraq.... They got the right idea, just wrong president.

-Nabisco announced recently that ... it's coming out with new bite-sized Oreos that are easier to eat. How lazy are we getting in this country when people are too exhausted to eat [a regular-sized] Oreo at this point? Who eats an Oreo and goes, "Let me wrap the rest of this up -- I wish they were smaller."

-Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what Clinton said in his State of the Union address ... He is creating high paying jobs for young people.

- In Australia a doctor has discovered a female patient whose sleepwalking causes her to go out and have sex with total strangers while she�s asleep. ... They could have diagnosed this years ago, but no guys ever complained.

-The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

-John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her � at her bank.

-The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why � with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

- Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?

-John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician.

- John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox.

-In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.

-They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!

- John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man.

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