Ladies....little help here?

After almost 20 years, I'm single again. Now, I know there are many who jump right back in to dating as soon as the relationship ends, but I just wasn't ready. I needed some time to .......I almost think "grieve" is the word I'm looking for. A big chunk of my life just went to sh** and I needed time to adjust and put my heart back together. A quickie relationship was not going to replace years of marriage.

But, now, I think I'm ready to get back out there and see if I can find that spark again. It's been about 6 months and I'm more lonely than sad about the marriage ending, so that tells me I'm at least ready to start looking. No, I'm not looking for instant love or in a rush to find "the one". Hell,I have no idea what women are looking for anymore or if I even have it. I'm 50 years old and a bit old fashioned. I've been told I have very good manners, meaning, I still say Ma'm, open doors for ladies, stand when a woman leaves the table or when she comes in, pull your chair out for you.........you know, a gentleman. I'm not pushy, actually a bit shy. Back in the day, if I saw someone at a bar, I'd send over a drink and let her take it from there. If I didn't get some pretty obvious signals to join her, I'd just go my own way. I'm also not sexually pushy,I don't expect a one night stand and don't want it. Why? Well, I know I'm not just so damn hot, she has to have me and if she'll jump in with me, I'll bet I'm not the first and I don't want to be with someone who makes a habit of that. Not knocking anyone who does, it's just not my style anymore.
[ Yes, I've had my share of one nighters ]

So ladies, can ya help me out here? Is just being "me" enough? 'Cause if it's not, it's going to get really lonely around here.

a reply to: DAVID64

So ladies, can ya help me out here? Is just being "me" enough? 'Cause if it's not, it's going to get really lonely around here.

Anybody who would want you for anything else, isn't worth your time. The dating scene will probably be easier for you honestly. You know what you want, what you don't want. What you like in a person and what you don't.

I would suggest just being you. Go out to local places where people your age congregate and chat some ladies up. You'd be amazed how many dates you can rack up with just a quick hello, how are you?

I'm not a woman mind you, but I do have a ALOT of middle aged single women friends and from the sounds of it you sound like the kind of guy they are all looking for.

Good luck!

~Tenth

a reply to: DAVID64

If you isn't enough... you aren't with the right person. Don't waste your time trying to fit something that isn't you because it will just end badly anyway. Be you, always. It's better to be alone than to be fake. Good luck.

Oh and by the way you're not a bad looking dude by any stretch. Go out and do the things you enjoy doing, that's the best way to meet someone.

a reply to: DAVID64

I told my son to join match.com. Hey, it is a revived ancient matchmaking system that gets some of the details out of the way.

Sorry to hear that David.

I think it's the loneliness that causes the sadness.
Kinda going through that now, but nothing like 20yrs of love and effort!


I agree with Tenth & Kali...

If you aren't enough, there is no point.



Have a good day, and good luck on your journey!

a reply to: tothetenthpower

I'm not a woman mind you, but I do have a ALOT of middle aged single women friends and from the sounds of it you sound like the kind of guy they are all looking for.

That's heartening news. I'm just not the type to "put on a show". I don't know how to fake it and have always just tried to be honest and hope for the best.

a reply to: Kali74

Oh and by the way you're not a bad looking dude by any stretch. Go out and do the things you enjoy doing, that's the best way to meet someone.

It's weird, but that's always been one of my biggest problems. I know guys who look in a mirror and say "Hey, I look good" and think they're a chick magnet. I've always looked in the mirror and thought "Uh....yeah...that's my face". I guess it's that old "she's out of my league" syndrome. Ya know?

a reply to: DAVID64

Good for You for going out now to 'look' for someone to fill the void. 20 yrs is a long time to fix. Just be yourself, and stay that way! Honesty will work for you as well! Good Luck on your new journey in life. "Remember, It's just a Ride..." Syx...

I feel your pain, brother. I've been divorced twice, and each time, I thought I'd finally found the 'right one'. My problem was that I thought that the ones I'd married before, were the 'right ones' as well.

After spending several years bouncing around from girl to girl, I realized that for everyone I was meeting, I was trying to be someone else in order to win them over. Here's a tip: Do NOT do that; it's not going to work out in the end.

Be yourself. It sounds cliche, but it's true. If you are authentic, the only question is whether or not they are, which will dramatically limit your issues in finding the 'right one' for you. If you need to play down your own personality to keep a woman interested, then she's not really interested in you, and you're just passing time until the relationship fails.

I am now re-married, and happily so. Seriously, no woman can hold a candle to my wife. Her patience alone, in dealing with a jackass like myself, makes her one in a million, never mind all of her traits that attracted me in the first place.

In short, have fun, but be yourself doing it.

a reply to: DAVID64

That's heartening news. I'm just not the type to "put on a show". I don't know how to fake it and have always just tried to be honest and hope for the best.

Good!

Cause any woman worth their weight in gold will see right through that nonsense.

Sounds like you're already on the right track, just need a little more self confidence!

+1 for being handsome. You won't have as many problems as you foresee methinks.

~Tenth

a reply to: DAVID64

It took me years after my divorce to decide I didn't want to be alone. The reasons for my divorce were probably different than yours, but it does take time to really figure out you... so make sure before you date for a relationship, that you are actually ready for one.

If you are not happy when you are alone, then perhaps you are not ready for an actual relationship, in other words. Now, if life is good, and you are happy in general just bumming around a bit by yourself or with friends, then yes, you are probably ready to go the actual relationship route.

If not, then it is probably more about needing sex, and you need to differentiate between the two. If sex is what you want and need, more than the relationship, then make sure you are clear about that - up front. If you don't get the difference, then you are not ready for an actual relationship. (Although, if its just sex you want from someone it is a bit easier if you were a woman - but hand a guy your phone number and say you want a one night stand, and he will decide he wants a relationship.. so there is that. Just sex has its problems all the way around)

However, if you are truly ready for a relationship, then upfront and honest is the only way to go. Learn how to profile people... get very very good at profiling.. you will need to if your are going to date again. Some people get divorced and the reasons for that will only be abundantly clear after your get into it, and you don't want to get into a bad thing, so learning how to profile is way way way too important. Some people are just nuts.. lol..

But, just be you, know what your likes and dislikes are, make a list (and check it more than twice) and then get out there some, start looking around a bit.

I don't recommend bars... people who go there looking are just not the best. Look around at the places for people doing things that you also enjoy.

Okay.. that is all I can think of.. Good luck!

a reply to: tothetenthpower

His looks wont matter as much as personality and common likes and dislikes.

Case in point. No one knew what Nenothtu would look like when he came to marry me.. and EVERYONE was totally curious, and well as had their own expectations for what kind of guy I was going to pick.

Mr B (we will call him Mr. B) I guess had his own expectations for what kind of man I would marry.. after Nenothtu came (bit older, bit of a hillbilly in dress..) I saw Mr. B as I was walking home from work one day.. and he stopped and said hi.. then he said.. "Is that really your husband?" and I said yes.. he is.. and then he said "I expected you to go for some young hot body guy" and I said well no.. that sort of thing isn't important to me.. and what would I do with a child anyway! .. (lol)

Then he walked away, shaking his head and said "I never knew I had a chance.. I really had a chance" just shaking his head the whole time he was saying that and walking away..

hahaha.. he was funny.. anyway.. looks are only the first thing people see, but its not that important in a relationship. Most people think they wouldn't have a shot with someone based on looks, age, whatever.. but that is not true in many cases.. at least not in the cases which matter..

I'm not a lady, but I have been through a similar experience.
Get comfortable in your own skin. Pretend you don't need anybody else.
Get a dog. If a one-nighter pops up, go for it.
I've gone from a 15 year relationship to being single for a few years.
It's really not bad at all.
Just be cool. Another one will appear one day, as if by magic.

a reply to: DAVID64

Being you I think is wonderful! I just wish there were more men in the world who are genuine and a gentleman as you are. Stay as you are...you want a lady by your side. Be careful of gold-diggers...there are a lot of them out there...who will pretend to be into you...but really they just want what you can get for them.

What interests do you have? I suggest joining some clubs and/or volunteering somewhere; join a book club etc. That way you may meet someone of quality...such as you are.

You are just fine the way you are...I think someone will find you again...and joy will enter your life.

I think the 2 most important things in life are to love and be loved; I am glad your heart is open again.

As a woman in your age range, I would say that finding 'a' woman will not be difficult. The difficulty you will encounter has to do with finding one that has the same life values and temperament as you do. Lots of women appreciate a gentleman...that's a given....but can you find a woman who isn't needy, jealous, clingy, insecure, and an emotional drain?

Herein lies your challenge. You're lonely, you're used to being married. There are lots of nice looking women out there who can put on a good show of being a true lady...for a while....and then you start seeing things, red flags if you will, that you may want to ignore because you are either enamoured of her looks, or you don't want to be alone and start looking all over again.

I would suggest maybe just casually dating to find out who YOU are, and who these women are. There are good ones out there. Don't ignore the red flags. Don't ignore bad behavior, or somebody who thinks that, just because you went out on a few dates, you're 'together'. As a woman (I know, most think I am male due to my avatar), I can assure you that a lot of ladies just want a man, one to support them, but they have some emotional issues and can make your life a living hell. It's one thing to get a little physical action to ease that part of your needs....it's another entirely to find a woman worth spending the rest of your life with.

Learn the difference. Good luck!

If you consider dating sites, vet them first. I was persuaded to join one a few years ago and it wasn't a great experience, not my sort of thing anyway but it was more fickle than I imagined it would be, and that was already fickle. I got lots of interest on there but never took any further than a few chats.

As a woman, meeting a stranger is a scary thought so bear that in mind if you are looking for a decent woman, and it sounds like you are. Most decent women will think twice about meeting men they don't know. I suggest perhaps join a few clubs where you will meet like minded people.

You are going to have it rough .6 mnths is no where near long enough.You will be comparing every woman to your ex. I'd suggest you build your confidence.work on breaking any bad habits. Take ownership for your breakup.Most of all women absolutely do not find weak men attractive. Make yourself mentally and physically strong.Its very possible that it may be the best thing that has ever happened to you..

a reply to: FissionSurplus

Don't ignore the red flags. Don't ignore bad behavior,

Yeah, I've seen women who try very hard to act like ladies, but bad habits or behavior can't hide. They'll do or say something that's completely out of character for who they're trying to be. Then another slip and another, till you're wondering how the heck you even got involved with this person. I hate to be this way, but I watch for signs like that.

a reply to: DAVID64

My advice is to find someone who shares the same history as you. In other words, someone in your own age bracket.

My mother once told me that the ONE will always smile from the eyes the moment they see you.

My hubby still does that.

You will find her.

Please keep us posted.

Blessings

a reply to: theabsolutetruth

That's why, even if I joined a dating site, I would insist on meeting in a very public setting. There's no way I would meet someone at their house of other private place. There are some crazy women out there too and I don't want to leave myself open for rape or assault charges. Terrible that I even have to plan for that, isn't it?