Meeting my son who I gave up for Adoption 30 yrs ago for the first time.

Ive never met him, but I have been stocking him on facebook for the past several years. I messaged him and told him that when he is ready, I would love to met him. Well, he called. And I will be connecting with him this summer.
Im wondering if any guys on here have experienced this, and what advice you can give me. To him, Im probably just a stranger he is curious about. But, to me, he is a child that I have thought of everyday and prayed for, for 30 years. Im a mom, so I guess I would like to know what he "needs" from me. I desperately would like to know him. I know I cant mother him, but that is what I "need. So, I would like to hear from some of the guys out there and maybe you can help me to know how a man would need his birth mom to react. And maybe some advice from some other mothers too.

Im worried that I am going to fall apart. Im not even sure I can manage to not fall apart. Should I just buck it up and shake his hand? Cause, I really want to count his fingers and toes, and cry and hug him. There just has to be a balance somewhere between, being a blubbering idiot, and cold fish.

I have a video of him and his funny song. He is the one with the beard. www.youtube.com...

a reply to: misskat1

Wow! I can't even imagine what you're going through! I don't have kids so take my words with a grain of salt, but I would just be genuine. Don't think too much about how you are going to "be". Just be yourself. If you cry, you cry. I think any mother would. I would ask him if he has any questions and be ready to answer honestly. I would also ask if he needs anything. Tell him how you've thought of him every day. Just be honest and genuine... and be prepared for him to be angry and understand his anger, if that's how he feels. Don't judge him.

I'm happy for you! I'd love to hear how it goes.

a reply to: misskat1
Re-word what you just wrote in your OP a little, and tell him what you just told us. That honesty you just shared with the membership here, will take you a long way in starting a relationship with him.

a reply to: misskat1

Let him set the pace is the only advice I can think of. Grats on your reunion, I hope everything goes well!

a reply to: misskat1
I am so very excited for you!! I am on the other side...I was adopted. I have since met my birth family and am sooo glad that I did. We have such a VERY special relationship.

1. Don't worry about falling apart. I think that is expected. The night I met everyone I hurt I had cried so much, but ALL happy tears!!!

2. The mom part will be harder. Sorry not a lot of help for what you feel. BUT I listen to my birthmom and respect her as a mother, after all... it took a true mother's unselfish love to give me a better life. This is something that you will have to find the right line for the two of you. My adoptive mom will always be my mother; she raised me and loved me unconditionally as if I was from her womb. My birth mom will always be my mother; she loved me enough to live with the pain to say goodbye to give me the BEST chance.

My advice, met him as a friend. It will not be easy but I think it will be the easiest on him. From there, only the two of you know where this relationship will go.

Here is an essay I wrote some time ago.

Essay posted on ATS: One Mother Was Just Not Enough

Please come back and let us know how things go. And feel free to ask me any questions that I may be able to help with!! Good luck to you!!!

I think it's wonderful that you are connecting. Obviously it is what both of you want.
I was adopted at one year old. I reconnected with my birth family when I was in my early 20s. My half brother was living in Sweden at the time so, I wasn't able to reconnect with him other than by telephone. My birth mom and half sister came to Fl.
I don't know if it is different for a man vs a woman who is the adoptee but, I really wanted to see my birth mom in person. I wanted the cold hard facts about "why" she chose to give me up and keep my siblings. I wanted to know my family history and health history. My half sister and I played together as children and it was never revealed to us the connection.
I did not need or want her to "mother" me although this is just MY situation. We became close and then drifted apart for a number of years. We reconnected again two years ago and soon after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I had the opportunity to go to Seattle and visit her before she died but, didn't. She lost her ability to speak in January and passed quickly. I did communicate through my sister in law to her at the end. She chose not to do chemo and the whole bit.
I was still reeling from losing my Mom in August and it just didn't feel right at the time for to me to go.

Interestingly, after her death, my sister in law mailed me a letter that my Mom had sent my birth mom many many years ago. I didn't know about this letter and it touched me so deeply.

I would say, don't push it. Be available, honest, and your son will tell you what he needs from you.
I will tell you when I turned around in the airport and saw my Mother, our eyes locked and it was truly like something out of a movie. The rest of the people faded away and I saw myself in her eyes....I never understood that until that moment...there is and was a connection...

Good luck to you both!

I can hardly type through my tears, thanks, I will read the essay, and will probably pester you with my questions. You would think that after 30 years and as often as I have thought about this, I would know exactly what to say. I do think the keep it "real" advice is good. I hope I can go with the flow.

Legacy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives, shaped to make your one...
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.
One gave you up ... that's all she could do.
The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me, through your fears,
the age old question unanswered throughout the years...
Heredity or environment, which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling … neither.
Just two different kinds of love.

My parents had this framed for me when I was small....the author is "unknown". Or unknown to me, someone must know! You would be able to find it through a google search though I am sure...

a reply to: TNMockingbird

I copied this to Face book, just hope he might see it. What a wonderful poem. Thank you for sharing it. And Im still trying to dry my tears.

Wow congrats on being able to make a conection with your son. I will tell you my story on a slightly different angle. When I was 14 my mother told me " by the way you have an older half sister who was adopted out at birth and she is coming over to meet us and have a cup of tea" I thought cool I have a sister as I had 2 brothers that I grew up with. My mother got pregnant at 19 and was not married this was looked down upon and my mother was forced to give away her child, she then met my father and had three children me being one of them. Anyway when I was 14 my mother and my half sister began searching for each other, and a connection was made. It turned out she lived about 10 min walk from us. So she came around for a cup of tea, it was amazing she look so much like our mother of course and me, she also laughed just like our mum and me and her had the same body language, I am more like my sister personalility wise than I am my brother who I grew up with. We have a great relationship and I see her more often than I do my brothers. She has a great relationship with our mother. My sister also managed to track down her birth father who we also see once or twice a year when he comes to our country, he is really amazing too. I am so happy and grateful to be a part of my sisters life. So I can't help you with your time meeting your son but I would say be yourself and have open arms. The first meeting may be a little strange or it could be full of amazing moments. Sending you love and strength.

I will say this - My husband was given up for adoption as an infant. He very rarely expresses a strong desire to seek out his bio parents. When he does, he speaks of it in terms of wanting to know what kinds of genetics he has more than anything. He expresses the desire to want to thank her for giving him up rather than aborting him. You have no idea how heavily that possibility weighs on him, that he may have come so close to not having a life at all (he knows she was only 16 see).

But he never tells me he feels that something has been missing from his life that his adopted parents could not provide.

So I wouldn't go in expecting too much, and don't try too hard. You may end up spoiling something that could end up being great if you take it slow and careful. Right now, you feel very connected to this person, but you have no idea how he feels about it or what he may have been told or grown up thinking. Play it safe and stay a bit guarded. Otherwise, you may end up opening yourself to a world of hurt when you find out that what you've been thinking about this is very different than what he's been thinking all along.

a reply to: ketsuko

I will say this - My husband was given up for adoption as an infant. He very rarely expresses a strong desire to seek out his bio parents. When he does, he speaks of it in terms of wanting to know what kinds of genetics he has more than anything. He expresses the desire to want to thank her for giving him up rather than aborting him. You have no idea how heavily that possibility weighs on him, that he may have come so close to not having a life at all (he knows she was only 16 see).
But he never tells me he feels that something has been missing from his life that his adopted parents could not provide.

I read a story about a man who felt and said very similar things about his own birth mother. Until he met her. Then it all changed, and he kicked himself after she was gone that he waited his whole life to agree to meet her, and get to know her. Just a thought.

So I wouldn't go in expecting too much, and don't try too hard. You may end up spoiling something that could end up being great if you take it slow and careful. Right now, you feel very connected to this person, but you have no idea how he feels about it or what he may have been told or grown up thinking. Play it safe and stay a bit guarded. Otherwise, you may end up opening yourself to a world of hurt when you find out that what you've been thinking about this is very different than what he's been thinking all along.

Reasonable advice, but if she's too guarded, he will pick up on it immediately. Openness and honesty, without expecting him to feel the same way she does is good advice, though. Starred.

a reply to: ketsuko

Excellent advice. Your right, I have no idea what he is expecting. And I do hope for his sake that his life with his adoptive parents has been so full and rich, that he has no needs expect curiosity. Well, thats what my brain wants, but I still have a mothers heart.

a reply to: Klassified

I didn't mean guarded as in stand-offish. I meant just take care not to put too much out on the table until you know where he's at.

But I am also thinking about how his step mother handled things the first time she met him. His own adoptive mother died of cancer when he was in college, and his father met and married an old college friend who had coincidentally lost her own husband to cancer about a year after the loss.

The first time he went home after that, he was expecting to meet her as a friend and was prepared to like her as someone who had consoled his father and brought him unexpected happiness after the loss of a long-time wife ... then the very first meal, she tried to cool down his soup with an ice cube and it went downhill from there because she had decided he was that little boy she had never had. She just tried too hard.

a reply to: Klassified

Considering that neither of his birth parents have come looking for him, it's not like there is anything he is putting off. I let him make up his mind on that.

a reply to: ketsuko

I have reached out to him through the years. It was an open adoption, and I chose his parents. So, I have stayed in contact with them for all these years, getting pictures, and hearing about his life occasionally. Also, my other children have reached out to him, and he actually is getting to know them.
I also, have a friendship (dont hang out, but we do email once and awhile) with his birth dad, and his siblings on that side. Im actually pretty close to the birth dads other son, and I went to Hawaii last year to see him and his wife, he has called me momma Kat for years.

a reply to: misskat1

One thought you could do is, as a Plan B if things don't go well, write out a letter and tell him everything that you've wanted to say and that you think he'll ask. Be honest and sincere, and do it in your own handwriting to make if very personal. Even if things go better than you could have ever hoped, he'll have that to remind him of you every day that he wants to look at it. Include a few pictures of you from the time he was born up until the present, so that he can imagine the things that you did and the way you looked as you changed and aged.

Something as personal as that would be cherished by him--even if something goes bad and he wouldn't admit it, he'd want a piece of you to take with him through the rest of his life.

I wish you and him the best. I can't imagine what emotions you are going through, but when the time arrives, just be who you are. Cry if you need to cry, stare at him for a long, creepy duration if that's what you need to do, but just keep in mind that it's just as awkward for him as it is for you, and if you're both honest about it being awkward, it should go very smoothly.

I look forward to your second post, after the meeting.

Best Regards.

I haven't seen my father in more than a decade and I am 27. He visited NY (he lives in CA) last summer to meet his grand daughter (she's almost 3). I haven't spoke to him for a number of reasons, mostly for abandoning us when we were young men needing a father figure. My mother raised us very well and I'm fully thankful for that, but a boy and his father is an entirely different bond. As much as I longed for that, I still had no emotions when I spoke with him last summer. We hung out every day for the 2 weeks he was here. We spoke like adults and conversed on a range of topics. Laughed, joked, talked about man things. I felt like he wasn't ready for kids but could handle me as an adult.

Moral of the story is don't think about it, just do it. He doesn't have an emotional attachment or memory of you, but he may ask you questions you aren't prepared for, maybe digging into why you let him go. Be honest, tell him what he wants and don't sugar coat it. Treat him as the adult he is. If you need to cry then cry, hiding your emotions at a time like this would be impossible by the sounds. Enjoy your time.

a reply to: misskat1

Dear misskat1 - I am so excited for you. You're bursting at the seams to hold him, love him, show him you want him to know how much you feel for and love him.

Don't worry about crying or having an emotional moment - that's completely normal. The only thing I would advise is don't be clingy and let him make all the moves. Sort of like a first date - you don't want to come across as all over the place and overwhelm him. Of course he may do exactly that himself and then go for it!!!

Yes, as others have said, write out your heartfelt words and put it into a sealed envelope. Whether it goes well or not give it to him when it's time to end the visit. I think it will be healing to his heart and it will express your true self.

You will be just fine and after the first meeting who knows where this could lead you both? This is a huge meeting and one's inner voice always goes crazy anticipating all sorts of stuff - just ignore that. And when the time comes to visit just be yourself because that's the person he wants to know.

a reply to: SlapMonkey

I actually did write him a very long letter thirty years ago, and tucked it into his mothers hands, to be given to him when he grows up. I dont know if she did, and I cant remember everything I said. Im not sure I was even willing to be honest with myself at that time. So, much changes in 30 yrs so Im sure I will say different things today. I am going to write a new letter.

When I was searching for adoptive parents, I looked for people who were involved with music. His adoptive parents were music ministers at their church. My grandpa played the fiddle and several siblings play guitar, drums etc. I used to play the Sax, so it did my heart really good to see him with a guitar and singing.