Losing my marriage... not sure how to feel.

a reply to: Lovely1973

I'm sorry you're going through this. You might want to start by writing a plus and minus list of things he has done. As you have detailed them in your post, he has betrayed your trust on multiple levels multiple times and has used and exploited you. My advice would be for your to contact an attorney to learn about your legal rights and start divorce proceedings. You should also establish a support group of people other than your family to whom you can turn for emotional support and, potentially, protection. You need to be concerned that he might take one or more of the children and leave the country. For that reason, you might want to speak to the attorney about establishing a legal arrangement under which he can visit his children under supervision by an agency designed for that purpose instead of going to your home and leaving with the children unsupervised.

I'm sure you do love him but, as you've learned, love can not be demanded, bought, or even earned and, as hurtful as it is to you, you must accept that he does not love you. Think of your attachment to him as an emotional addiction. Right now you are going through withdrawal. The longer you continue to allow him in your life, the longer the withdrawal lasts. The best thing you can do is terminate the relationship. After some time, you will stop suffering emotionally and things will look much better. You might want to join a group of women who have gone through this and come out the other side so they can assure you that it does get better -- much, much better. Good luck.

a reply to: Lovely1973

Sorry you're having this to go thru....but you will be stronger for it in the end...and I know the doesn't help right now.

I would like to contact you here with a u2u privately if you'd agree, but don't want to overstep any boundaries...

Let me know, and I will. If not...then God Bless....Time heals all...
Blessings

MS

Dump him. Maybe you can get your life back together again. I know it is hard with four kids, but it doesn't actually sound like you are benefiting at all from him being there anymore and he is going out with other women. You haven't been in a marriage in a while. You can still be friends somewhat, kind of like divorced parents are supposed to get along for the sake of the kids. Most times that doesn't work right either though.

The guy seems to be sticking around for pure personal gain on his behalf, the roof you put over your head is nothing more than a half way house to him where it's convenient for him to see his kids, and when he is to lazy to go buy his own food or sleep in his little bed room.
The guy made bad life decisions, and most likely lost his marbles along the way and is in pure survival mode, and getting involved with another women isn't helping either.
My advice, this is one of the situations where an ultimatum needs to be presented, come forth with a heart to heart talk, ask him if he loves you anymore and if he gives the cold shoulder, separate with him and seek council on divorce. As many others have said, he is nothing but a negative influence on your life and your children's lives directly, he needs to smarten up or move on himself, this guy sounds like a selfish egomaniac at the moment.
You love him, but he doesn't seem to love you anymore, let him go.

Sounds like you are already raising 4 kids on your own.....and kids do pick up on attitudes and behavior. So be careful of that , as their father seems to have an attitude with them. In my opinion, cut him loose....., he's cheating on you, you can't trust him, and he lies about you to his family. That is not a good man ...and not a good man for you or your kids. And he's already gone ( mentally), so dump him, divorce him and move on. No sense in everyone being miserable just because he is....BUT...be very protective of your kids, make sure he doesn't steal them in the middle of the night or while driving them to school. ...I'm sorry your going through this. Be strong, and dig deep for that woman power you have!!!

well.. i think when you are finally free of him you are going to be flooded with such a sense of relief and security and serenity, you will not know that you have been living without it for so long.
There is some awesome advice in this thread. Totally agree that the home visits need to stop now. Go about it wisely so he doesn't do something completely irrational. Honestly, I can't see counseling helping at all in this case. I also agree with Randy.. please be careful. I'm getting a creepy scary vibe from your story. I hope you can get free of this disaster and please stay safe!

Consider that you're currently setting an example for your children. If you have daughters, you're teaching them to tolerate abuse and exploitation from a man. If you have sons, you're teaching them to abuse and exploit women. Set a different example for your children. Show your daughter(s), by example, what to do if they ever find themselves in your situation.

a reply to: mysterioustranger
Hi
Thanks for your reply - a u2u is fine, I wouldn't consider it overstepping any boundaries - thanks for your interest

a reply to: Starcrossd

Yes Randy gave great advice and thanks for your reply. The creepy scary vibe....its been troubling me too but I can't put my finger on it...he has never physically hurt me but there'san under ccurrent and I dont know what it is. Not sure if its just me being so unsettled by the situstion. Interesting that you picked up on that.
Thanks

a reply to: MandrI appreciateid7
The feminist comment made me chuckle really...its OK, I'm not a feminist - I don't think I'd have survived in the Middle East for four years if I were! But each to their own, feminists have their point of view too - I'm just not one of them.

Thanks for your reply Mandroid, i appreciate it. My children were all planned and made in what was a loving relationship - in a million years I would not have predicted or wanted this outcome for us.
Sorry you went through this too - its nice to hear that the end of the world feeling does go...right now I can't see it but in time i might - thanks x

My sympathies, but you need to take care of yourself.

A couple of cautionary notes.

1. Seek proper severance with an agreed plan to manage the children, including your spouses' access. Don't end up using the kids as bargaining chips.
2. Be aware that if the kids end up in Jordan you may never see them again. There are myriad depressing stories of children being sucked out of he UK and never seen again.
3. Don't give in to emotional blackmail. Be clear about your objective.
4. If your spouse is not a UK national then take legal advice to ensure he has no claim on the kids. That may sound heartless, but it is better to be prepared.

Regards

a reply to: Lovely1973

I'm so sorry that you are facing this. It's not a fun spot to be in, at all, and it almost seems nothing will ever get better or "normal" again. You're at a fork in the road, and it's time to pick one direction and move on. It's time to put *you* and your children first, and start making some positive decisions for your future. Based on what you have written in your op about your husband, it doesn't seem your happiness is his priority. He has basically kept you hanging, and stuck in a holding pattern to see where all of it is going. Round and round we go.... where we stop, nobody knows, is the most uncomfortable and unstable way to live each day.

He is using you as his safety net. His place to fall on, should things "out there" not work out for *him*. It doesn't seem if he cares about what you, as a woman want for yourself and your life, and has little appreciation for his children.

He's treating you like you and the children are an option. You are not an option.

If you are truly ready to take back your life, and I think you are... because you posted here, then start taking some steps in a positive direction. It will feel odd and uncomfortable at first, and you might even feel scared. But it's better than being an option, waiting in a holding pattern to see what someone else is going to do. This could go on for years.

For starters, implement a complete separation of physical space and set up some boundaries. This means, it's time for him to pack all of his things and remove them from your space. He can take all of these items to *his* space. This also means, he can't sleep, eat and use the space anymore. He can sleep, eat at his home. You are no longer his landing spot, his safety net and his option. You are a human being with a right to be loved as you want to be loved, and he's merely taking advantage of your good will and kindness.

At this stage of separation and removal of items, he may beg and plead with you to not do this. He may even says he loves you and play upon your emotions. He knows you are a loving person, who cares. He needs to understand boundaries. Tell him you are done with the back and forth, and that you are ready to move on. He may not think that the children know what is taking place, with his slipping in and out of the house and showing up at school time, but believe me, children are very intelligent and intuitive, so if they don't know now, they will soon enough. His behaviors are more damaging to the children, as they are. Time for him to leave.

Next step, set up visitation with the children. I don't believe a father should ever be kept from his children, unless he is abusive with them. I don't believe children should ever be used as pawns when a relationship has been lost. Tell him you want to set up a reasonable schedule for him to visit with his kids. Taking them to school in the morning, picking up after is great, if that is what he chooses. Then schedule other times that he can take them. Listen to him and understand he's going to worry that you'll keep his children from him. Reassure him that you will not do so, and that he may take the kids, at reasonable times.

Next step, hire an atty and start your divorce proceedings. Expect that he may fight this every step of the way. Losing one's landing spot, or safety net might becoming frightening... and he may say anything to stop you. But if you are ready to move on, then proceed.

If he promises he will change and to give him another chance, then, that is strictly up to you OP. If you believe he is capable of change, then step back from the divorce, but continue a separation with boundaries and visitations with the kids to see what happens. I would NOT allow him to sleep and eat at the house. Period. He is a grown man, not a child.

Good luck to you.

a reply to: berenike

Your reply really struck a cord with me - I think that's exactly the situation - in more humble moments he has admitted he feels a huge failure and this mixed with the cultural role and expectations of an Arabic man is too much of a shame for him to be seen to have caused. That's why he blames me - to save face. It makes perfect sense to me.
That's one reason I keep feeling that I am wrong to give up on the marriage - am I a better person to ride out the rough times until he gathers his integrity? Or will he ever return to that?

Having said that, I am 100 per cent committed to our children's wellbeing and won't jeopordise that for anything.

I want to thank you for taking the time to understand my situation...thanks x

a reply to: Tangerine

Agreed 100 per cent. I need to hear that - thank you x

Also - I would be cautious and not allow him to take the children back to Jordan with him, or to see his family. Not at this juncture, when everything could explode. He may try to kidnap them. If he gets over there with the children, he can file for divorce over there and be granted full custodial rights over your children and you may not see them again.

Love, in reading what has been written by you, I have to say your strong for your kids. But you need to get rid of the bum. He has screwed you over several times, and is taking advantage of you. Kick his ass to the curb ASAP.

a reply to: Tatanka

Thank you - really helpful advice. Every word helps, truly.

I want to say I'm struggling to acknowldge very reply - and everty single one is so helpful - but i have 3 sickly little ones at home this morning.
So if I can't reply, please know I'm so grateful.
That's why I love ATS - diversity and intelligent people. I couldn't think of a better place to seek advice - much love x

a reply to: Lovely1973

Sorry to read about your situation. But you are very strong although you don't feel it.

I suspect your worry is that he may take the children back to Jordan and you won't see them again. I would get legal advice on this one matter particularly and do whatever it is to protect them and yourself from this problem.

However, something I noticed when we had arab students was that they were all invariably doing what their parents decided, had no sense of being in charge of anything and were, from a western point of view immature. (No offence intended buy that is how they were). I suspect his father or some of his family have a shrewd idea what he is like and that is why he is in the UK as he doesn't seem to be able to make his own way in Jordan either. He appears to be blaming others and not looking at himself in order to make changes and mature. It sounds as though he may also have depression but, were this the real case, I doubt he would be womanising he would turn away from everything which he doesn't appear to have done.

You can sit in your situation for as long as you wish but it doesn't seem to be doing you or your children any good. He also doesn't seem to be the ideal role model for your children either. Your little family are entitled to happiness and not the adulterous and indifferent treatment you are receiving. I hope you can dig deep enough into yourself to get the strength, now that you fully understand your situation to deal with the inevitable ending.

Another poster said to you that he has already left you and - if in your heart you know your marriage is dead - then you have to move on at some point. Someone who is destroying themselves slowly is also destroying your family day by day and you need to protect your children and yourself. Many children have an extra closeness to a parent who gave their all to bringing them up on their own after a failed marriage - you have a lot to gain and a chance for a new future so the sooner, rather than later you protect your children's residency with you and move forward, the sooner you will all start to heal and feel better.

You will always be the outsider with his family and as he is from a different where the man rules etc you should be aware of the anger he will have - again you will know if he will walk away or fight you tooth and nail - however you do have your family.

Its never easy but you are gutsy and worthy of love. Very best wishes Shiloh.

a reply to: Shiloh7

Thanks Shiloh - what you say about Arab men, I think particularly of my husband's generation is, in general true. His Dad (who died in 2005, hence the inheritance) was a very successful and well respected man. He was and is idolised in the family and it was he who sent his son to study in the UK where he and I met. It seemed that when he died, my husband talked the talk but never committed to anything and made, as another reply said, unwise decisions.

A good American friend of mine, who is also unhappily married to an Arab man hit the nail on the head too, where her and my husbands are concerned. They come from wealthy-ish families and are very pampered by mother and sisters and have maids to meet every need. Their successful fathers provided for them and they ride on their reputation but when the father dies, they struggle to make their way in life because they never had to.

I by no means wish to slate Arabic people - I immersed myself in the culture and loved the Jordanian people. Its my country too as I got dual nationality from marriage, but its, I think, a valid observation.

LoL I don't know what it is with some women.

Sharp as a knife in every department...except when it comes to choosing a mate.

You're British (presumably white caucasian) married an "Arab/Muslim" and didn't think your life was going to go to hell??

You had no inkling as to how they treat their womenfolk?

Sorry, I've got no sympathy.

I have no idea why some women marry outside of their own ethnocultural group

...and into the worst possible one imaginable.

Total mystery.

If I don't say it no one will.