"I know exactly how you feel"

This must be the most irritating, and anger provoking things someone can ever say to me! How can anyone possible know how another feels? What makes the other person think that they know how someone else feels? I hate this statement!

But the most angering thing is that most of the time this statement is thrown at people after a relative or a loved one dies! I know that many people have lost someone, and many times it was under similar circumstances, but that is where the similarities of the tragedy end! Every person is different, both the person who loses a loved one, and the loved ones as well. If I lose a relative, that does not mean that someone else that has also lost a relative had the same kind of relationship with that particular relative! Even siblings will not go through the exact same thing when losing a relative!

I really hate this statement! It is an insult to me when someone tries to say that they have me all figured out and know every single thing about me, and all of this in a hard time of my life!

I know how you feel, it bugs me too.
I try not to ever say those words when discussing the death of a loved one as it bothers me to say it, and hear it.

a reply to: IndependentOpinion

perhaps you are taking "ikhyf" to literally. When people say it to me, I understand that it's just their way of being compassionate and consoling.

Sounds like you are looking for something to just be pissed off about.

I know exactly how you feel!



Honestly I do, I hate it as well!

a reply to: olaru12

I have no problem with people saying "I may/can understand what you are going through", because that speaks more to the situation.

I remember when I was first diagnosed with a brain tumour. I remember people saying, "I know how you feel "or "I understand" , I would usually just take it as people not really knowing the right words to say, understandable, but in my head I was like you haven't got frickin clue how I feel right now.it was quite upsetting at the time, because it really showed me people didn't know how I was feeling at all at that time.

a reply to: IndependentOpinion

I know exactly how you feel.

But what's worse is when someone says "I'm sorry" as an obligatory sentiment. There is nothing wrong with the gesture but when you are going through a tough time those two words can be more unsettling than comforting.

The day after my father died I went on school camp and all I wanted to do was read a Michael Jordan biography and try to move on-and that's kinda hard to do when every two minutes a kid comes up to you and says "I'm sorry" because their parents told them to say that.

To this day those two words irk me and I won't offer those same two words to anyone else when they are grieving. I'll give my support or let them know that they are not alone, but I won't offer a false sentiment just because it's customary to do so.

a reply to: Thecakeisalie

I agree with "I'm sorry" is not something you should say.

When my grandfather died, the day after his death, when I went back to campus, the only things that were said to me were "If you want to talk, just ask", and that really showed support.

a reply to: IndependentOpinion

So it bothers you that other humans empathize with you and seek to relate to your situation....because, presumably, they have care or concern for you on some level?

Would you rather no one acknowledge your pain or loss or predicament?

a reply to: IndependentOpinion

In a relative way many others do know how you feel. Maybe not 100% exactly, but close enough. There are some very difficult rites of passage in life that are universal and shared by all - eventually. Losing loved ones is one of those events. Saying "I know how you feel" is no different than saying "I've hurt as well, and I get it". It is part supportive and part affirming that what you are going through is natural and normal.

Can it feel patronizing? Absolutely. Especially when one is grieving. But, as far as words go, the phrase is as good as any other to express compassion and concern. It is an easy way of saying "I have dealt with similar things, the door is open should you want to talk or should you hit a wall you just cannot get past"

It's when you find yourself in a position so uncommon that nobody else gets it that you should worry.

a reply to: kosmicjack

Know this wasn't addressed to me, but answering it anyway. YES!!!
Not saying anything is a million times better than saying the wrong thing for the person at the time. You may not even know what you are saying is the wrong thing, understandable but still JUST DON'T DO IT.

There are times when people are raw, and even the mention from someone not close is too much.

I've heard "I'm Sorry" lots and my first response is, Why?
You didn't know "the person" and more recently didn't know either of us in the past, so ???????????? I'll admit it's socially acceptable to say but for the love of god why???

Just move along in the conversation after a "Oh I didn't know" and let things lie.

Everyone respond to things their own way, there are CLUES people!! Someone may need you to express regrets, sympathy etc, but many do not. Some losses are private, personal and just not up for comment. Believe it or not just because someone had to do the socially acceptable thing you've now put the other person into a position of having to respond. THANKS HEAPS!!!

Off soapbox, but seriously...look & listen to who you are addressing. Heed the body language and micro-expressions.
If you are truly reaching out instead of doing or saying something for yourself you'd just stop for that split second and maybe actually do what that person needs, instead of whatever makes you feel, appear better.

a reply to: IndependentOpinion

Man if people innocently offering empathy is what you have to be pissed off about, I'd say its time to get a back pack on and see the world a little, find some perspective.

They are trying to be nice and say something consoling without knowing exactly what to say. They have probably been taught to say "I'm Sorry' or 'I know how you feel" or 'It's all for a reason' ... all the typical responses.

The 'it's all for a reason' remarks to me seriously tick me off. But I (usually) don't hammer the person saying it because they don't mean anything bad by it. They think they are being helpful so respond to it in the spirit of how it's meant.

I know how you all feel.
With your fingers.

a reply to: FlyersFan

My personal disclaimer....I haven't maimed, kicked or even been rude when this happens. But I do have my own views on it. Making someone feel bad for doing their best isn't me but there are other views on unsolicited empathy.

a reply to: kosmicjack

I do not have a problem with people showing their support, Actually I need support, but if someone do not know what to say, or how to say it, it is better to say nothing. For me that is a sign of empathy.

For me, all I want is for someone to say "If you want to talk, just call me", because that shows (for me) that that person know that the wrong words can make me feel even worse, and would rather say almost nothing to prevent that.

This can be used in sales training to overcome objections. fake empathy and manipulation.

It goes something like this.

customer " i think the price is too high"

salesman " i know exactly how you feel; and i feel the same way." However.......(overcome objection here)

so, I know exactly how you feel-only different

originally posted by: Thecakeisalie
a reply to: IndependentOpinion

I know exactly how you feel.

But what's worse is when someone says "I'm sorry" as an obligatory sentiment. There is nothing wrong with the gesture but when you are going through a tough time those two words can be more unsettling than comforting.

The day after my father died I went on school camp and all I wanted to do was read a Michael Jordan biography and try to move on-and that's kinda hard to do when every two minutes a kid comes up to you and says "I'm sorry" because their parents told them to say that.

To this day those two words irk me and I won't offer those same two words to anyone else when they are grieving. I'll give my support or let them know that they are not alone, but I won't offer a false sentiment just because it's customary to do so.

When there is a loss I am a big fan of ((genuinely)) saying. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

It IS an ill advised comment meant to comfort/share and resulting in more isolation/alienation.

If one really knows "exactly" how you feel, then they'd be you.

But cut the poor people a break.. .they're trying... and people actually trying to make you feel better are rare.

a reply to: IndependentOpinion

It's a shows sympathy, empathy and compassion. It's an attempt to connect and let you know you're not alone. Also, people don't always know the exact right thing to say when someone else is in pain. Like now - in this thread. I doubt anyone that says it means it as an insult - and I also doubt that anyone that says it is being dishonest

I know that when we're suffering if feels like we're suffering alone, it can be almost unbearable. Saying something like this feels dismissive. I've been on both sides of it (I think most people have). That is to say - I know how you feel. I'm not saying it to be mean

Edit to add something: I just read through this thread - and a lot of people had already said what I just said and better. That should teach me to read the thread first - but I never learn

So, I'll tell you something that happened to me once. I had just learned that my dad's cancer was terminal. The doctors told me there was nothing left they could do - and believe me, they had tried everything. I was pretty much inconsolable. I remember I was out in public (though I can't remember where now)sitting on a bench - numb. I'm sure I must've looked a complete mess because a woman walked up to me and in her perkiest voice said: Cheer up honey - nothing could be that bad

I was devastated - and so angry. But that moment taught me that you should always cut another person some slack - that awful waitress, the man at that shop that was so angry for nothing - the woman that's snapping at her kids...you get the picture. You never know what someone is really going through at that moment. But the truth is - even though we don't always say the right thing at the right time, we usually mean well - and intent is everything