I never cry when they die. Same, this time.

When someone I love dies, I never cry for some reason. Maybe it says something about my emotional control that I adopted at an early age as a boy who felt less than loved (even though I was loved).

Some weeks ago I posted about one of my sisters, very sick. Her liver and her kidneys weren't functioning, liver cancer was suspected. And then the surprise news came that she didn't have liver cancer, and we were so happy, and we hoped the kidney problem could somehow be solved. But today I got a phone call that let me know my beloved sister has aggressive cancer, is in a coma, and has at most two days to live.

Maybe I should cry for her, but I can't. But I know I love her a lot, and I appreciate having known her. There are many flawed people here, but she was not one of them. I can't remember a single time when I observed her and thought, "how petty or mean she is". She was and is a total sweetheart, kind, thoughtful, spiritual but not religious.

Death is so powerful. When we are young, it is just a concept. But when it happens to people we love, it becomes something very real.

I love you sister! I always will.

a reply to: droid56

I'm really sorry to hear your sad news. Sisters rock.

I cry for people I don't know, and the closer I am to someone the less tears. People just react differently, nothing to worry on. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

Zazz

a reply to: droid56

But today I got a phone call that let me know my beloved sister has aggressive cancer, is in a coma, and has at most two days to live.

Right now you are in the first stage of the grieving process. The grief will come at some point, for everyone the grieving process is different.

Link

Oh Sweetheart, I am so very sorry to hear this! People have different ways of expressing their grief and sorrow. Not everyone cries. My heart breaks for you. I know how it feels to lose family members. You are not alone. HUGS!

a reply to: droid56

I am so sorry to hear about your sister. Please don't read too much into your lack of tears at this time. Everyone responds differently at different times during the grieving process. When my dad died I didn't cry. I too wondered why I couldn't cry. Then 5 years later when one of my friends was talking about having a hard time deciding what to give her father on Father's Day, out of nowhere, I started crying inconsolably for so long I couldn't breathe and passed out.

I lost my brother a few years back. No one ever mentioned the black hole of pain you fall into when losing a sibling. It hit me so hard, and not being prepared for it, threw me off the edge and into a clinical depression for about 4 or 5 months.

I tend to freely weep with joy and laughter.
When I am grieving to the core, I tend to be completely stoic when around others who are grieving.
It is not that I am cold hearted, I just prefer to not share grief with others. I do it alone.
Sorry about your loss.

I don't cry initially either. When my dad died, the closest death to me so far, I didn't cry until two months later, when I was doing a very normal thing (an action he would have had something to say about) - and the fact that he wasn't there to say it made me cry for hours. Then, when I was in a deli and his fav food was front and center - waterfalls again. There is no right or wrong when it comes to this stuff.

Sorry for your loss, but her body is gone, she is not. ^^night star's ^^ post says it best.

Heya Droid..

I speak only for myself here, but here it goes.

I can cry at the most crazy things. Fight Club makes me cry because I see it as the dysfunctional love story of my time. When it comes to the death of loved ones, it's more collective. My family is a support network. I am there just as they are there to support one another in these times of loss. It's not until much later and after the collective loss of loved ones that I break down. It is in those moments that I realize a part of my support group is gone and the water works flow. Crying is overrated. I seem to save up and cash in when it is warranted in regard to loss. I know that the particular loved one wouldn't want me to grovel in grief, and so I don't in most cases. There are some that I know will kill my soul with their passing, and it is only luck that I haven't had to face those yet.

There is nothing wrong with grieving. We just all do it differently.

I wish you the best. I hate that any of us have to endure loss and grief.

In the end, I just focus on the peace that the departed feel. That is one thing I look forward to. It helps me to think of it that way.

In universal love.

I can remember being 5 years old and visiting my grandmother on her death bed. She had cancer and bad diabetes.
She told me she was dying and I broke out in tears.
She asked me if I was bleeding.
I said "No." a little confused.
She told me she doesn't want to see me cry if I'm not bleeding, or else, "I will give you a reason to cry."
Tough ass old gal with a sense of humor to the bitter end.
Damn, my eyes are getting wet.

I lost my sister nineteen years ago, she was only forty years old. I don't cry either. I feel that if I did, it would be like releasing the feelings, feelings I would rather take with me through life. They are part of who I am.

I feel sorrow for you and your family. It sounds like she is a good woman. Life is too short. By the time we realize the best things in life are the times spent with love ones, it is time to go.

The love of my life was brutally murdered. Beaten to death. I became a hermit and cried alone for months.
Her spirit came to me and told me to stop being a pussy.

a reply to: droid56

I too have recently lost a loved one. My partner passed just after new years day, in her sleep after a long struggle with an illness. Her ashes will be released in a national forest near here during the spring equinox, as her wish was to return to nature. She is a child of the universe.

a reply to: droid56

When my brother in law died i never cried either but when his eldest daughter died I could not stop crying. I supprised myself by how much I cried. In the 40 years I knew my brother in law I never had one word in anger with him.

a reply to: droid56

Death becomes very real when it happens to people we love... scary thought, but interesting.

I think so much depends on the relationship you had with the person and if you are at peace with the way you treated them.

Somehow, it makes it easier to let go if there are no regrets.

Death isn't just abut the loss of a person, it's about the loss of any chance to make them happy or fulfilled. Not so much about what they could do for you as what else you could have done for them.

I suspect that the death of a loved one - or anyone else - is easier for those who believe in an afterlife of some sort. That the body is just a vehicle and that the real person survives.

Death can be a relief for many and this life is but one step on their journey - when they are ready to move on, they will find the way out.

Your sister has enriched your life and if she knows how much you care for her, you can let her go without regret. Maybe you can show her what you wrote about her - it would be a beautiful thing to take with her.

I think, once you get over the initial shock of losing a close relative, there isn't that much grief if you are a mature, rational adult.

It's part of the life cycle and a reminder that your own turn is coming.

Of course we would love it if the story of life weren't so tragic, but wishing doesn't make it so.

Suffering from a terminal condition myself, I've often asked myself how I would like to be remembered... Not by unconsolable crying, but rather with fondness, with just a sad tear. I dont want to be remembered by a bunch of sad people, but rather by happy people, people that can remember the good times we had together, not the sad times.

for me some of the saddest people I've seen is those people that cant let go.... For years after, they keep on crying over their loss. I view that as a form of insecurity in themselves. Heck, I would die a lot more guilty if I know there is somebody that would cry for years and years over me. If I die and people can remember me in fondness, that would make my passing so much easier....

But coming back to the OP. Let your emotions go, have a good cry, and get it over with... Just don't pent uour emotions up, trying to be brave, and years later you still feel attached. Let your emotions go, and afterwards just remember the good times you had together.

Your post makes me think of something I read by Stephen King. I've remembered it, because it matches my reaction when a loved one dies.

“That was the value in not crying. Crying was like pissing everything out on the ground.”
― Stephen King, 'Salem's Lot

Haven't cried for a family loss since 1997, I was ten.



Doesn't mean we don't love them, it's impossible to explain.


Maybe it has something to do with the comforting feeling that they won't suffer anymore & they're in a better place.



Sorry for you pain, droid!


Prayers for you both!

a reply to: droid56

Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief.

The lack of tears does not equate to a lack of feeling-I never cried when I lost those closest to me and for a long time I thought that I was heartless for not grieving in the traditional sense i.e crying.

You are the only one who can understand what you are feeling right now; Do what you feel is right.