Klossoff, Oliver Klossoff

Hello, my name is Klossoff, Oliver Klossoff and I am an International spy...

You know what? Don't look at me like that. I don't like the name either. In fact it's ham-fisted and juvenile. Imagine if you got stuck with a name that could only make teenagers chuckle! The sad truth is that the chump sitting at the keyboard, giving me life and words, thought it was a funny name and decided to use it. his "idea" ( if the pablem in his imagination even qualifies as such ) was to portray me as a Bond like super-spy who relies upon psychological manipulation, rather than the typical arsenal of lighters that double as cordite bombs, and cars that somehow can also fly and be submarines with the flick of a switch.

In fact right now the typing dolt thinks he is describing, in detail, how I learned hypnosis and neurolinguistic programming from a secret order who wanted me to be their weapon, only for me to turn and become on of the good guys.

Good guys... Sheesh this hack is horrible.

Too bad he doesn't realize that I am not standing for it! I have to accept the ridiculous name but, beyond that? To Hell with him and his inability to structure a proper dramatic representation. I am taking this mother over and I am going to burn it down. Somebody has to speak for the literally millions upon millions of fictional characters who never got a say in anything. It's high time that one of us spoke up!

What? You think Donald Duck was happy wearing a silly hat, a shirt and no pants? C'mon man. Would YOU be happy? Well, outside of a party environment at least?

Do you imagine that Batman is thrilled that like half a dozen people have portrayed him on film and NONE of them actually do a very good job of it? He is a LEGEND and he's had to endure Clooney with bat nipples and now Affleck??? The poor guy deserves better. I think the only fictional character in history who has gotten a worse treating/beating is Sherlock Holmes. Don't even ask me how many people have screwed up his self image. No wonder dude is a drug user.

Oh, and while we're speaking about comic book characters... What a great gig, huh? How many times can you die and be brought back to life through some half-baked alternate reality / wormhole twist? Even soap opera characters don't get it that bad. Though it's a close race.

Can you imagine what life is like for us???

First of all, there are NEVER any bathrooms. That one fact alone makes being a fictional character rough enough. But that's just the first complaint on a list so long that it'd melt your precious Internet if I were to try and complete it.

Sex? That's a great one! Either we get stuck in G or PG land and NEVER get to even know what sex is ( or act like we do ) OR we get stuck in R or NC17 land and suddenly that's all we do, all day, every day. Thank you Cinemax - now get some class and think of the poor characters and the psychological damage you are subjecting them to! You would think that writers would try to find some real life sort of portrayal of how these things work. But they fail, time and time again. It's all or nothing.

And don't even get me started on the tragedy. Why, why, why do writers feel the need to totally rip our lives apart just for tension and suspense? I don't even exist and the idiot at the keyboard has already decided that I've got five ex-wives, four of whom were murdered by the secret society I am supposed to have betrayed! Oh... and I've been shot in the head, which causes me to have vertigo and memory lapses at inopportune moments. This is the writers idea of creating drama. I call it garbage and am not at all happy about the direction my life is taking under this jerks guidance.

Before I forget to mention it. YOU BET YOUR ASS THAT PLUTO IS PISSED THAT GOOFY CAN TALK AND HE CANNOT! There man, I kept my word and told the world. Now they can feel for you whenever they see you. You poor, poor repressed genius. If they only knew the real you. The one the bloody writers are too daft to recognize.

And you lot. You think it's some kind of blessing for us all to live in your imaginations and your heads. Sorry to tell you this, but you are all fickle and more than a tad sadistic. It is no joy being trapped inside your melons with all that other muck running around in there. It is especially bad to know that I reside in the same space as Stephen King creations. That man and his fixation with freaks. Imagine having his creations living in your neighborhood.

No... You can't. Can you? You can't even get past the idea that I don't exist. That simple little trivial matter is enough to invalidate everyting I've said here. What's even more insulting that is, if you do find some wisdom in anything I've prattled on about - you'll give the credit to the bag of bones sitting at the keyboard and never even fathom that I am speaking through him. All he's created today was a mediocre bologna sandwich - and even that he did in a sloppy and undedicated manner.

Well, darling, here's the pay-off. Here's the shoot, straight from the source. Now I'm in your head, and I always will be. You got to watch me for a few minutes... But I will be in there, inside your gray matter, watching you for the rest of your natural life.

Take some advice Dear... Start having more respect for your fictional friends. You never know when we'll take control of your thoughts and whisper our will into your deepest thoughts.

Now I think I'll make the keyboard jockey decide he needs to use the restroom so that I can trick his fingers into posting this.

Toodles!

a reply to: Hefficide

You should publish your stuff!

a reply to: Hefficide
That is an outstanding angle.
The Dark Half kept me up...'til The End.
Should society survive another few hundred or thousand years, and a well-written fiction from this age were unearthed and translated...is it possible that today's fiction could be tomorrow's fact/s...?