Product of an excersise.

This short story was for my girlfriend until we broke up. At the time I'd written the story we were both learning some pretty crazy stuff, and one night I needed to flex the muscle outside my book work, so I came up with this little bugger.

You guys can read it in the link below. I don't really know the rules of posting, and it won't fit unless I do some serious format fixin' and spread it over multiple posts. It's four pages and it should open in your browser.
dl.dropboxusercontent.com...
Let me know how average or bad it is .

As a writer, I like it. It is very descriptive, but I might say a little too complex or overly descriptive for the average Joe. I hate to say "dumb it down", but you may want to simplify it more. Make it more of a story than a poem. Do you get what I am saying? Make your descriptions more compatible with what the average Joe is capable or willing to follow. Be more balanced in your matter-of-fact along with your poetic descriptions and you will be a top-notch writer. That is my constructive criticism.

originally posted by: HillbillyHippie1
As a writer, I like it. It is very descriptive, but I might say a little too complex or overly descriptive for the average Joe. I hate to say "dumb it down", but you may want to simplify it more. Make it more of a story than a poem. Do you get what I am saying? Make your descriptions more compatible with what the average Joe is capable or willing to follow. Be more balanced in your matter-of-fact along with your poetic descriptions and you will be a top-notch writer. That is my constructive criticism.

I think I know what you're saying. Thanks for taking the time to read it and provide feedback.