Hernando's Hideaway. Another Thread "almost certainly not for you."

a reply to: DISRAELI

Yeah, how true that is!

Hey, welcome to Hernando's, you look like a first timer. Don't worry, I can tell you've got the right spirit about you. Speaking of spirits, the bar's got pretty much anything you could want. Mind an opinion on your questions? (I can't wait until the ladies get back, they'll have better insight.)

Don't let anybody know I said this, but I wonder if women care to pass along any concrete information. I don't think that matters much to them. (Of course, that doesn't work for ThePublicEnemyNo1.) Emotions are important to them, and they use words in a strange attempt to convey emotional states.

When she says "I'm feeling much too upset to receive visitors," put the stress on her emotions. Read it as "I'm really, really upset, I feel terrible. So much that I'm just beside myself." Guys hear the "no visitors," and think that's the important part. Even if she absolutely can't see another human of any description, you're still expected to call.

As far as Mothers? Understanding them is impossible for a guy. Try to make sense of one of the ladies' answers if they offer one.

I see some faces that I know wont take offense to this, sooooo;

Why is 'happy wife, happy life' the general rule? This fits into the whole 'you can either be right, or happy.' Is it because the emotions of 'feeling' right become more important than actually being right? I know of several women that say that emotions are truth, so I could see that maybe the feeling takes precedence over reality. I actually do think that this disconnect results in a lot of disagreements simply because it doesn't seem limited to couples or even family. I always thought 'happy everyone, happy life' but I just have been laughed at by men and women alike.

Many years ago, when I was a kid, I did something that embarrassed my mom. If I remember correctly, it was something like taking her scarf and giving it to someone needy. Later that day, she requested an apology for this act, but I said 'I could say it, but it wont be sincere. I am not actually sorry.' She said 'I don't care whether or not you are sincere, all I care about is hearing the words.' (Story may or may not be accurate)

Now, this is just one event illustrated. I have seen the same thing time and time again. What is actually happenening in these discussions? Does the need to feel good and be right take precedence over reality, or is there something else going on?

a reply to: Serdgiam

Serdgiam! Hi, there pal! Come on in and sit down. Can I get you anything? Naw, the people here won't take offense, or if they do, they'll be civilized about it. Good folks here.

Until the regulars start coming by, it looks like you and me for a bit.

Why is 'happy wife, happy life' the general rule?

I can give you an opinion for that part of your post. A married guy often hopes to get something from a relationship. If nothing else, some relatively pleasant, constant, companionship. Whether the companionship is pleasant or not is going to depend on how the wife feels about the whole thing. If she hates your guts, you'll know about it, and you'll know about it every day. That husband will not be happy anywhere in his life.

The rest of your post is a little trickier, at least for me.

This fits into the whole 'you can either be right, or happy.' Is it because the emotions of 'feeling' right become more important than actually being right?

I think it's possible to be right, but at the same time pay more for it than it's worth. Think about a thread in which you know, absolutely, that you are right and there are three or four certifiably insane posters who are screaming that you're wrong. Is there anything wrong with just saying, "OK, I give up, bye?"

It's important for you to know that you are right, but not so important to argue about it without a good reason.

I think women say "emotions are truth" because they are much more powerful than truth. Drop a compliment or insult on a woman and she'll think about it for days (at least). Show a woman the truth of the Pythagorean theory, or anything that is simply "true" without an emotional hook, and she'll forget it before you leave the room. (I'm being extreme here, I know, but it's to make the point easier to see.)

Mom's making you say "I'm sorry?" Could be good or bad. Maybe a control freak attempting to terrorize, or maybe a thoughtful adult who knew that too much pride and self-esteem can be dangerous.

Now, this is just one event illustrated. I have seen the same thing time and time again. What is actually happenening in these discussions? Does the need to feel good and be right take precedence over reality, or is there something else going on?

Time for me to bail out. Let's see what the ladies have to say. I wonder if this quote helps a little:

I think a gentleman is someone who holds the comfort of other people above their own. The instinct to do that is inside every good man, I believe. The rules about opening doors and buying dinner and all of that other 'gentleman' stuff is a chess game, especially these days.
Anna Kendrick

Can I get you a refill, this really is a nice little place. I'm glad you found it.

With respect,
Charles

originally posted by: charles1952
I can give you an opinion for that part of your post. A married guy often hopes to get something from a relationship. If nothing else, some relatively pleasant, constant, companionship. Whether the companionship is pleasant or not is going to depend on how the wife feels about the whole thing. If she hates your guts, you'll know about it, and you'll know about it every day. That husband will not be happy anywhere in his life.

I think my confusion comes in more when it is used as a psuedo threat. I am also of the mind that we find happiness within. It can be spurred on by external things, but if we don't know how to find it ourselves, its a roller coaster. Perhaps my view that a couple ahould help each other to learn and grow is out of place. I always liked 'a happy couple is happiness doubled' myself

I think it's possible to be right, but at the same time pay more for it than it's worth. Think about a thread in which you know, absolutely, that you are right and there are three or four certifiably insane posters who are screaming that you're wrong. Is there anything wrong with just saying, "OK, I give up, bye?"

It's important for you to know that you are right, but not so important to argue about it without a good reason.

Yeah, it is important to be able to walk away. I was speaking more about the extreme though. Like, when you see someone jump to making someone elses life difficult at the slightest sign of challenge or difference of opinion. I don't think this is just women either, but the 'catch-phrase' is generally heard in regards to couples. And, you can only walk away for a short time from ones partner.

I think women say "emotions are truth" because they are much more powerful than truth. Drop a compliment or insult on a woman and she'll think about it for days (at least). Show a woman the truth of the Pythagorean theory, or anything that is simply "true" without an emotional hook, and she'll forget it before you leave the room. (I'm being extreme here, I know, but it's to make the point easier to see.)

Well, I am glad you went to extremes because that's where it gets confusing for me! Emotions are powerful, no doubt about that. However, my 'truth' is that emotions are only a part of who we are. The 'truth' for them (as it was told to me) is that emotions are everything and the only thing that is true at all. I had one woman tell me that anything outside of her emotions was from the devil. I guess I just don't get that?

I wonder if this quote helps a little:

I think a gentleman is someone who holds the comfort of other people above their own. The instinct to do that is inside every good man, I believe. The rules about opening doors and buying dinner and all of that other 'gentleman' stuff is a chess game, especially these days.
Anna Kendrick

I figured out a solution to the door thing! Open it, -walk through it first- then hold it open behind you. It seems no one is offended by this process. I dont have to worry about the rest Well, at least, for the dinner part. A lot of these things don't just affect couples, they are part of general social interaction.

a reply to: Serdgiam

Because when married if wife not happy she can ( and they often will ) turn your life into a living hell .. they will use all sorts of tactics to do so - it can range from showing the black face around you .. arguing over every little thing .. show no affection .. withholding sex .. or whatever else they can come up with to make your life a living hell if theyre unhappy ..

If wife is happy then all is golden and you have a happy life ..

They tend to think theyre the dowager empress .. heh had palace revolution and the empress was deposed and exiled from the palace ..

In regard to your other questions .. still attempting to figure out .. theres some things in this world that are beyond the understanding of men .. one of the biggest being the thought process ( or lack thereof in some cases ) of women ...

a reply to: charles1952

Good morning ( its 0410 here just getting home after night out )

Omelet sounds good .. you should try some sriricha on it if you like spicy food .. though tobasco always good
..
But the original flavour tobasco tried one of the other flavour tobasco it didnt measure up to the original ..

Nice place here at hernandos .. good to have a place where people can relax and learn .. still learning new things even at my age as learning is lifelong ..

Anyhoo hope everyone has great day ..

I will weigh in on the male/female thing with a personal observation. Having been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome shortly before we met, one of the first things that I told my soon to be wife Patti was that if she wanted me to know something, just come out and tell me, don't hint around and hope that I'll figure it out. She thought it through and agreed, and that's what she did, and I did the same for her.

In the four years that we were married, we only had one argument, and that was over something superficial that was more of a difference of opinion than anything else. And every day was a joy, because we communicated!

It included the sentence "I'm feeling much too upset to receive visitors".

a reply to: DISRAELI
You Ignored That No,,,,, If my husband had Ever Not Broken the door down before we got married to know why I may be upset with him Welllll, That would have been THAT!

If you had been in the relationship for more than a year lets say and spent all your time together and was planning a life together and you get the NOTE!
It's a Test My Dear Young Man,,,, She's feeling a little,,,,how do you say,,,, wanting to be,,, Damn,,, Whats The Word in English?
She's wanting you to Rush to her with a worried and concern look the look of,,,, What Did I Do,,, How Can I Make This Work? I'm Sorry, But Who is It and I'll Break His NECK!
YEAH, Kind of Cave Man, Like my husband an Old Knuckle Draggier,, if Flowers don't fix it, Break it or Shot it
That's my Man
She wanted to see that concern, worry, what did I do wrong look and What can I do to Make it Right!
Then She'd Do the Come Heather,,,, Thing with her finger and Wink at you with a Big Smile and MAKE YOUR DAY!
Well, I would Have,,, I Really don't Know You or Your Girl Friend, But I Bet You Married Her!
If he hadn't!

they will use all sorts of tactics to do so - it can range from showing the black face around you .. arguing over every little thing .. show no affection .. withholding sex ..

a reply to: Expat888

OH,,, My Good, Good, Good Dear Friend,,, Poor Man,, You've been married to One To Many Asian Women, The Black Face!!
You are Number One Bad Husband,,,, How did you ever sleep at night? One Eye Open and both hands around your Privates?

a reply to: Thurisaz
Well Hello, I'm glad to see you come by and look around and post, as you can see, friendly folks and a Very Gracious Host.
charles1952 is the Best, my husband and I have the very most respect for him.
He is always thoughtful and truthful in his reply's.

No, No, I promise, you'll see Politic's from me here,,,,,,

Enjoy your wine and I hope your son comes home to you Safe and Healthy and gives his Mother a Hug!

originally posted by: guohua
If you had been in the relationship for more than a year lets say and spent all your time together and was planning a life together and you get the NOTE!...It a Test My Dear Young Man

I didn't spell out the background. This was a student romance, which had existed for a couple of months.
The immediate circumstances were that she and I had been in my room with a couple of friends the previous evening. She had got annoyed with me because I refused to help form a four at Bridge (a game I hated because I could not really understand it). So she walked out at the end of the evening without speaking to me (i followed her to the college door, and turned back once she passed through it). In the note, she described herself as a bloody-minded bitch, and gave that as a reason why it should be broken off.

Retrospectively, I must admit, it strikes me as an exercise in manipulation. Her sulking the previous evening had not brought me to heel, so the note was supposed to do it instead. The inserted line was supposed to be one of the levers, but it did not work because it seemed (which was my original point) to say the opposite of the effect it was intended to achieve.
Trust me, we would not have been suited in the long-term. Her psychological need to control and my psychological need not to be controlled would have been permanently incompatible.

originally posted by: guohua

they will use all sorts of tactics to do so - it can range from showing the black face around you .. arguing over every little thing .. show no affection .. withholding sex ..

a reply to: Expat888

OH,,, My Good, Good, Good Dear Friend,,, Poor Man,, You've been married to One To Many Asian Women, The Black Face!!
You are Number One Bad Husband,,,, How did you ever sleep at night? One Eye Open and both hands around your Privates?

Eh ??? Sleep ??? .. usually ended up on sofa .. very light sleeper instantly awake and alert at the slightest change around me .. also kept katana next to me when banished to sofa ..
Got the blackface from the malaysian chinese one after stopped being a walking a.t.m along with for physically throwing her gangster friends out of the house due their ill-manners and uncivilized conduct ..

Actually always tried to treat my wives with respect .. as equals .. did best to provide good home .. meh in the end ended up betrayed by most .. two died - one killed during the troubles in belfast .. the other in an auto accident .. was loyal to them when with them ..

Its my curse to survive and spend my life alone . These days given up looking for someone to share life with. Besides can drink and smoke without getting nagged to death ..

a reply to: Expat888

Hey! Good to see you Expat888! Good advice on the sriricha. Restaurants around here don't offer much choice, so I have to go shopping.

Man, I'm sorry about the wives. It really seems that in your case it really is a curse, I've not heard anything like it. Well, a good woman is the best of all creatures, and a bad one is the worst. Men fall in the middle.

May not be appropriate, but this is a casual place, so no offense meant.

Three women on an eco-tour in South America get captured by drug lords. Eventually the decision comes down that any ransom would be small, so they should be shot. The next morning one is led out and stood in front of a wall about eight feet in length. The commander calls out "Ready, Aim, . . ." And the woman cries out "Earthquake!" Everybody falls to the ground, she nips around the wall and escapes into the jungle.

The next day, the second woman is led out under the same conditions. The same commander calls out "Ready, Aim, . . ." and the woman yells "Flood!" Everybody drops their rifles, climbs trees, and the woman vanishes behind the wall.

The third woman is led out, but she is without fear for she understands the situation and has her escape planned. The commander issues the same commands "Ready, Aim, . . ." And with her beautiful blond hair falling around her face, the woman calls out "Fire!"

I had a wife. It turned out she was OK when there were no troubles, but when things got tough I was pretty much left on my own. Later, the doctors told me that if we hadn't separated, I would have killed myself in about six months. Well, that's how it goes. Women, right?

I think I could use a muscular dark beer. You want one? And a cigar? I wouldn't have suggested Hernando's if you couldn't smoke in it. Sometimes, just watching the smoke curl away says it all.

Charles

a reply to: adjensen

Adjensen! Glad you dropped by! This is a good place, you'll like it. You can do and say as you please, but remember, we're all trying to draw closer to truth. The subjects may vary, right now we're on women and men, tomorrow it might be State's Rights, or why the Green Bay Packers should be named "America's Team." (Believe me, both of those lead to a basic fundamental truth about man's role in creation.)

Anybody here you don't know? I just met ThePublicEnemyNo1 yesterday, nice person. In fact, that's the only kind that seem to show up here. You can invite a friend if you think they'd fit in.

In the four years that we were married, we only had one argument, and that was over something superficial that was more of a difference of opinion than anything else. And every day was a joy, because we communicated!

That communication sounds like a melding of minds and personalities, an understanding and togetherness. I know you're a Catholic, so I figure you won't mind if I say that it sounds a lot like what God wants for our relationship with Him to be like, and actually is, at Communion. I know that "God talk" can sound mystical, but I see more and more pointers to it in the everyday world. When you're in Love, nature itself seems to be changed by that Love, we're changed by it.

I suspect that the more love there is, the better the communication.

Hey! What can I get you? What's on your mind? Or did you just want to kick back a while and enjoy some friendly, decent talk? If you like the place and decide to stick around, you become an Hernando.

Charles

a reply to: DISRAELI

Hey Disraeli!

Whoa! It sounds like a very good thing you didn't get connected to her. Lucky save.

You know, I've always wondered about the word "manipulation." It's one of those that's automatically distasteful. I wonder if it's more of the intent behind it, then the actual act of manipulation.

What I'm trying to say is that people can do it without evil intent or result (although it sounds like she couldn't). It's like we have to come up with a different word for it. If Mr. guohua, comes home to find his darling wife frustrated, upset, and miserable, he might rub her feet, or make some tea, or put on her favorite music (which seems to be 12 Girl Band).

In a sense, he's manipulating her mood, but I think he's acting out of love to bring her a better "goodness" than she has at the moment. If your college "girlfriend" encouraged you to try new things, and to share your experiences with her, she'd have been a different person, and maybe a Mrs. Disraeli.

Hey, what do I know? I'm just a guy in a corner of a great place to relax. But it seems to me, like I just mentioned to adjensen, that the closer we get, in our relationships to people, to the ideal that God set out for us, the better off everyone is.

Need a refill?

Charles


Retrospectively, I must admit, it strikes me as an exercise in manipulation. Her sulking the previous evening had not brought me to heel, so the note was supposed to do it instead. The inserted line was supposed to be one of the levers, but it did not work because it seemed (which was my original point) to say the opposite of the effect it was intended to achieve.
Trust me, we would not have been suited in the long-term. Her psychological need to control and my psychological need not to be controlled would have been permanently incompatible.

a reply to: guohua

Guohua! Well met! May your che be strong, peaceful, and loving, forever.

No, No, I promise, you'll see Politic's from me here,,,,,,

Politics aren't off limits at Hernando's. What's off limits are the thoughtless attacks and empty slogans. As you know, the State has a vast influence over the lives of people. Sometimes it's used for the good of the people, sometimes it's used for the power of the State. I think the US is going away from the idea that the State should bring benefit and enlightenment to the people (and I don't mean cash, necessarily).

Didn't the most famous of Chinese philosophers discuss how an enlightened ruler should govern his State, and his concern for his people?

But, whatever you'd like. We're open for anything.

Charles

a reply to: Expat888

Is this "showing the Black Face?"



Ooof! No wonder guohua had sympathy for you. I think I'll pour a stiff one.

Charles

originally posted by: Expat888

If wife is happy then all is golden and you have a happy life ..

Yeah.. I mean, I get how it works, its the why that puzzles me. Though, I guess most of life's great mysteries have a 'why' in there somewhere.

In regard to your other questions .. still attempting to figure out .. theres some things in this world that are beyond the understanding of men .. one of the biggest being the thought process ( or lack thereof in some cases ) of women ...

Yeah, I have tried to figure out that stuff for a while too.. I'm not even necessarily 'opposed' to something like "emotions are all," but my life experience is that we are far, far beyond just our emotions. Id love to explore the idea, but have had little success.

a reply to: Serdgiam

Dear Serdgiam,

Glad you're back, I just ordered the chicken soup.

but my life experience is that we are far, far beyond just our emotions. Id love to explore the idea, but have had little success.

it makes me think you're saying that emotions are fairly separate from the rest of us. Well, I guess you right for many, but it's not an "either or" for most people, it's more "What proportion is emotion?" Then, maybe, we just have to adjust our communications to the mix of the people we care about.

Sorry for butting in, you were talking to Expat888, but I have big ears.

I recommend the chicken soup.

Charles

originally posted by: charles1952
it makes me think you're saying that emotions are fairly separate from the rest of us. Well, I guess you right for many, but it's not an "either or" for most people, it's more "What proportion is emotion?" Then, maybe, we just have to adjust our communications to the mix of the people we care about.

Perhaps we are having a bit of misunderstanding. I think it is a spectrum as well, like most anything pertaining to the human experience. Its not entirely separable, though in some cases of mental health there are likely people devoid of any and all emotion.

I am talking about the opposite extreme, where emotions are viewed to be the entirety of the human experience. Its a constant search for an emotional roller coaster, even if it requires creating it themselves. There are several people I know that talk openly about this. They want to be consumed by their emotions in every moment, not just feel them.

Like I said, I find it fascinating more than 'wrong.' But, any time I have tried to discuss it, things get extremeley emotional. Usually anger