2 1/2 years...that's a long time...

Okay, so basically what this all boils down to is that my best friend is transferring to BYU-Utah next semester. Currently, we are going to school around the Tennessee-Virginia border. We've been dating for the past 15 months (minus summer break '04), and during that time our friendship has grown incredibly close. We are both LDS members, so you can go from there about the type of relationship we have. Our relationship is built upon the things that lasting relationships are usually made of, and she is my bset friend in this world. We aren't going to continue a long-distance relationship when she transfers out to BYU, but we are going to maintain our close friendship. I guess we'll be on the phone and AIM a lot, but we both know that it won't be the same. We both have 5 semesters of school left (I started 2 before her, but I have 3 majors). There is a possibility that should might transfer back to the school we now attend. If she does transfer back, then I know how to handle that situation. But if she stays in Utah for the final 5 semesters of our college years, then what do I do? My heart tells me to wait on here, and I have prayed about this, and that brought me to the same conclusion. I have supported her through the entire decision of whether or not she should transfer, and I was actually one of the few people at my school that said she should go (everyone else was being selfish and wanting her to stay for themselves), but I knew that this was something that she had to do. I can't really explain why in the world that I would be willing to let the most important person in my life move 2,000 miles away, but maybe it's because I truly believe that things will turn out alright.

I'll be going home with her for the first few days of our Christmas Break after exams, but I'm coming back to my house for Christmas. During the breaks we live 6 hours apart, so I will get to see her during the summer months at times. We've already arranged for my family to come up to her house over the Summer, which is a pretty good sign. I guess I'll just hold on and see what the future brings, but I know that it'll take a lot of hard work. But I'm willing to put in the time on this. I guess I'm just looking out here to the ATS/BTS community to see if anyone else has been through something similar. I would prefer happy success stories, but all varities are welcome.

What a good friend you are aswell,.

This will be hard on you both but im sure you can do it, Take each day for what it is,
Things may change if she moves away ( im guessing you have your fears )
You have to be prepared for it all,

Be happy for her as you are now, but be willing to let her grow when she moves too...

I wish you the best, maybe make her a little something to take with her.
So when she feels she needs you there she has something to hold.

I honestly believe that she is "the one" that people talk about. We have both been burned badly in the past, so we have a fear of commitment. For the past 15 months, we've been dating, but we never assumed the title of "boyfriend/girlfriend". Also, the majority of the newer students on campus don't have a clue, because we don't like to draw attention to ourselves. We tried dating other people (because we have always been "openly dating"), but the only place that ever leads us to is back to each other.

I am just going to hand in there, and hang on to her. We have both said that if the other does meet someone else that we will move on, and I have no doubt about that. If someone else comes along, then the other person would have to move on. And the other person would be happy for the one that had found that somebody, but as for now we are left with this great feeling of love. I have never truly loved someone for who they were before, but now I do.

I guess that only time will tell, and I personally feel that Heavenly Father will lead us to where we each need to be. But I am not one of those logs floating down the river, drifting to whichever side the current takes me. Although I am in a river, I am riding along in a vessel, which I control. This river has the possibility of taking me down many paths, at which time I must chose which direction I want to take. However, I am in control of my own choices. I say this so those of you that actually read this will not think that I am a hopeless prayer that has turned everything onto my Heavenly Father, because how can He help those that will not help themselves? If we plan on making this work, it is going to take dedication, and years of work.

Our friendship can withstand the sands of time, but can our love?...

Like I said, she's my best friend. When she misses home and needs to cry, it's always on my shoulder. And when she has a test the next day, it's me that's staying up with her until 3AM studying...this young woman has become my life...plus mom likes her

Hi Petey,

First off let me say, your girl is lucky. The way you talk about the situation and the pain that you accept to make her happy is nothing short of genuine love. Consider yourself blessed to have this.

You seem to know what you are doing, but also seem fearful about leaving so much out of your hands, but time brings strange opportunities. I have a similar story in my life, and my advice says do NOT doubt that inner voice. Your words strike me as being very intuitive and spiritual, deep and loving. You are a soulful person, and you should trust your soul to guide you through these times of uncertainty.

I know you are afraid of your kind heart creating circumstances that could turn around and bite you in the a$$, but love always contains that risk. ALWAYS. However I see the dilemma fully.

The more practical side of me says, the thing to do is get out a pad and paper. Seriously, do this. Write down your ultimate wish for the outcome of the situation. If you could have it any way what would it be??

Does this involve moving/transferring schools?? Does it mean that you uphold a strong relationship at a long distance? Does it mean moving on and coming back to it? Just write down anything/everything that comes to mind. Ask yourself/meditate on what it is you truly want, and what you need.

Once you have your list, let yourself get a little daydreamy. Write down any possible strategy or compromises that may come to mind (hey don't worry they expose themselves in ways, and at times you least expect). Can you relocate? Can she?

Now write down which strategies and goals are realistic, practical and obtainable.

This should help you clarify your situation.

there is a few months between every holiday/semester break, and assuming LDS= Latter Day Saints, or some strong religious committments you both have, this time period is extra promising for you both... As it seems unlikely either of you are skeezy ho bags

Now, you are definitely taking a difficult and uncertain route by setting her free. But you know how the old adage goes "if it comes back its yours forever"

As Asala said, you do need to prepare your heart for the difficulty and uncertainty.

stay close, the internet, postal and telecommunication systems are great tools for keeping the closeness, even if you are not dating. A long distance relationship is difficult, but it can be done even if it seems like you are on hold for a brief while.

So long as you both manage to squash any negative emotions that come up (jealousy, hurt, resentment, etc) I see no reason why you should lose one another.
hope this helps out.

[edit on 6-12-2004 by duh squared]

yes, LDS is in reference to Latter-day Saints. I will be going home with her after our exams are finished on the 16th. So now in the last week and a half of school, it's starting to hit her that she's not coming back. Some of the friends that she has made, she'll never see again. It's actually quite sad, but it is a part of life.

I stayed up with her until right before 3AM helping her study for her big Bio test tomorrow (notice the post with the pb&j banana...I told y'all). We studied for like 4 hours, which is a very long time to help someone study on DNA and stuff like that. But the thing is, I don't mind. And it doesn't bother me that I've got an 8AM class, followed by a 9AM lab, then a 10AM class (which means I'll be getting less than 5 hours sleep...and no working on papers that are due before school ends). I don't mind, because I hope that one day we'll be able to stay up all night (talking, not studying), and that we won't have to go our seperate ways when it's time to go to bed. That would be a very well deserved night if we make it through the next few years...

Petey - I am going through something very very similar. Let me explain my story before I give you some advice.

I was at a little gathering of friends back in 2001, the nite before Easter, at my bothers residence when I met a girl, who at the time I never thought anything would come of it. We talked all nite long about anything and everything, and when morning came, we went our separate ways. Sure, I had feelings for her after that night, but I didn't expect anything to come of it because of the situation. She goes to college 16 hours away. After that nite, I really thought nothing of it. My brother was kind of seeing her friend at the time and when she came home from college in the summer, we all ended up hanging out. After awhile, you couldn't separate us, but we were only friends. When the summer ended, and it was time for her to go back to school did we realize that we had deeper feelings for each other but we were both scared of what might come because she is gone 8 months out of a year and everyone knows that long distance relationships don't work out, at least thats what we had told ourselves. But after she left, our relationship grew even more. I luckily had a chance to go and visit her and after that, we had fallen for each other, very very hard. But that damn feeling of having a long distance relationship stayed with us both and kept us skeptical for ahwile. For me, it was the trust issue. I know that I am and always have been faithful, but I also knew what college can be like for people (I had already graduated from college, so I know what happens in college ). College is a learning experience for a lot of people and they do things that they might not think about at the time. But after the first year, we had grown so much together and both fell in love with each other. It got to the point where I could trust her and she could trust me and it has been wonderful ever since. She is still attending college (our relationship is going on 3+ years now) and our relationship is stronger now than ever before.

The key to long distance relationships is being patient and having trust for each other. I had the same thought process as you had: If she were to find someone else (and I even told her this many times) than she should pursure that interest. But she was willing to make a commitment and so was I and here we are, 3 1/2 years later, still deeply in love with each.

It is very difficult not being able to be with each other, especially in times of needs, but it also seems that when one of us is down, the other is there to pick us up and put us back on our feet. There are many days that I would give nothing more than to be able to hold her and embrace her, but I also know that she is where she needs to be and I am where I need to be.

There are many days that I wish I could see her, but I know that our time will come, we just have to be patient, and be patient with each other. You have to lose the selfishness of wanting to be with her, which is something that is very hard to deal with. But as long as you can make that commitment, you can learn to deal with it and accept it.

Love has been a very strange thing in my life and in many others as well, but nothing has ever felt more right than being with her. And she feels the same way. I'm sure your always hearing about how long distance relationships never work, but they can and they do. You have to find strength within yourself and help her out by giving her that strength as well, and in return, she will do the same. Keep a positive attitude about it and accept whatever happens. It sounds hard because I know that my heart would break if something would ever happen to us, but in the end, I just want her to be happy and that is where I get my strength. And you can do the same.

If you truly love this person and want something more out of it, just stay positive, be patient, and give her some trust. And whatever happens in the end, as long as you truly care for her, be happy for the fact that she is happy. If your not happy or if later on down the road you became unhappy and you can not do this, then you need to let her know so that the both of you can move on. But don't listen to other people, long distance relationships CAN work. If she doesn't want anything serious because of the long distance thing, then so be it. All that truly matters is that your both happy.

I hope this helps. It's hard to describe feelings and explain everything that entails a long distance relationship, but I hope this is a starting point. I know that everyone is different and what I have is something truly special, but if you can tell your heart that you can make this work and give it your best shot, then there is nothing you can lose even if you lose her, you will be a stronger person in the end.

I wish you the best!

If you ever need someone to talk to, look me up...I'll be around somewhere.

Peace, Love, and Happiness

thank you...

I just got back from her house on Tuesday. We left college after her last exam and went to her house up in Fredericksburg VA. Wednesday morning we went up to her folks' farm in West Virginia to do some hunting, and eat a lot of good home-grown food. Then back to Fredericksburg for a few more days. So after the 6 hour drive back to my house, I decided to sleep. I miss her, but we've talked and I sent her a CD of the pictures I took over our trip with my digital camera.

She informed me that I left my mom's glass cheesecake pie dish at her house, so I guess that I got her mom a Christmas present. Now I have to go to Wal-Mart and buy one for my mom before she tries to use the pie dish that she doesn't have.

I decided to take the advice of giving her something to hold whenever she misses me. I'm going to wait until she's settled in at BYU first though. Then I'm going to mail her the Wile E. Coyote plush that I got when I was 6. I have a fascination with coyotes, and this plush toy/stuffed animal was my first step. Now I have like 8 plushes of Coyotes, a stuffed head (from a real coyote) on my wall, a baby coyote skull, and a few coyote tails. Not to mention that there was a race team at the local track entitled Coyote Racing which was started by my dad's brother that won the track championship 3 straight years. Needless to say, there were coyotes everywhere...and my family is in to them...back to the story. The plush that I am going to send to her is the one that got all of this started, so it is quite worn, but it's from the heart and it's personal (unlike a new stuffed animal, this has a history). Plus it smells like me, and she'll like that.

Telling her goodbye was the toughest part though. I held her the night before I left for hours, and she eventually fell asleep (like she always does in my arms) so I tucked her in and went to my bed on the pull-out couch. In the morning she had to leave for work, but we had our little episode of breakfast and goodbye (more of a "see you later") before she left. So I stayed and packed my stuff into my car, wrote her a note, and left about 30 minutes after she had left for work. Her parents had left hours earlier, so I was the only one there. It crossed my mind to just stay there until she came back from work, but I decided against that, because after all I need to be a man about this. So the hardest part of all was just leaving the house. I talked to her again after I got back to my house, and we hadn't missed a beat. It'll probably really sink in after she flies out to Utah at the beginning of January, or maybe once I move back on campus with my friends and she isn't there. I don't know when, but it will hit fully sometime. Until then, we'll be having our phone line conversations and keep on thinking about each other. I better prepare myself for this, because it's going to be the majority of our friendship until I get to see her again in April.

Petey - If both of you can get acces to computers/internet you can talk via Internet Messaging (IM). I knew students who had computers in their dorms so it shouldn't be too difficult.

I won't go into the long details, but when KayEm left the UK in late 2000 to return to the US, all we had was IM and email for over two years. We married in 2003 and are stronger than ever.

Yeah, we both have AIM and e-mail accounts. We'll be able to talk on-line, but instant messaging can leave it very hard to read into emotions and meanings, and e-mails can be quite impersonal. Talking on the telephone will be our preferred communication line, but we'll use the computer too.

Also, something that I have decided to do is to write something that I call "Letters To You", which is also the title of her favorite Finch song (interestingly subtitled "I Miss You"). In this, I write her an entry every day (usually around 50-some lines on 11-font Times New Roman) either about teh events of the day, my thoughts, or feelings. The main objective is to keep her entertained and give her a little piece of me each day. Every week (or two weeks) I will print the entries off of the computer, hole punch them, and mail them out to BYU. There she can put them in a binder to keep so she can re-read them whenever. She has no clue about this yet, but she will at the end of the first week of January. I started writing on December 23rd, so only 3 entries have been written so far (and I will be writing a 4th tonight). At the end of each entry, I will include either song lyrics, a quote, or an excerpt from one of my own poems. I hope she will like this, and I hope that I will be able to keep this up every day (I'll have to write on baseball road trips, then transfer them over when I get back I guess).

Also, tonight's entry will give me a good place to explain about the Wile E. Coyote plush that I will be sending along with the "Letters To You" at the beginning of January. Oddly enough, I recieved about 5 gifts related to coyotes this Christmas, and some of the coolest ones yet. So I can write about those, then cap it off with sending the original piece to Utah to be with her. If all works out a certain way (wink, wink) then I will one day receive Wile E. Coyote back.