How to Let Go of Holding Grudges

With all the hate indoctrination and grudge holding going on in the world, a lot of people think that there is nothing they can do about the negative world situation. But know what? There IS something we can do. We can clean up our own little corner of the planet. If everyone tried then the world would become a better place. It wouldn't be perfect, but at the very least we wouldn't be sitting and grumbling but instead we'd be doing something constructive.

This may not bring world peace but it may bring peace to our immediate lives. The more peace .. the better. And who knows .. maybe it all really is interconnected on a metaphysical level and the little bit of peace you bring to your life just might change the energy level on the planet. Anyways ... easier said than done ... but lets give it a try. Clean up our corner of the world - starting with what is right in front of us. Grudges.

Psychology Central - 8 Tips to Stop Holding a Grudge

1. Acknowledge the problem
2. Share your feelings.
3. Switch places.
4. Accept what is.
5. Don’t dwell on it.
6. Take the positive.
7. Let it go.
8. Forgive.

Acknowledge the problem. You can't fix a problem without first acknowledging that it exists. Talk it out and calmly share your feelings. Also, make sure to LISTEN to the other person who is sharing their feelings. Communication only works if both are honest and both are listening. And (awesome advice) - switch places with the person. Take a walk in their life in your imagination. How would you be acting in the same situation with the same issues going on? Try to see things from their point of view (obviously this step won't work if the grudge is against an abuser, that kind of thing, but for others it does). Even if the other person can't work on the problem or refuses to engage in helping clear the bad energy, make sure to do it for yourself. Holding a grudge is hard on you spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Instead of looking back at what has happened, look forward. Try to find something positive and move with that. Even if you can't find the positive, let the bad go so it doesn't control any aspect of your life. Forgive even if the person doesn't ask to be forgiven. If you aren't moving forward, then you are stagnant or moving backwards.

I would add a few healthy things to the list above.

Examine the situation. There are toxic people and toxic relationships that are unhealthy and that you may need to remove yourself from. Take a good look and see if the grudge you are holding is because of an unjust situation. If your grudge comes from an unhealthy or unjust situation then remove yourself from it as best you can. That's not 'holding a grudge' ... that's healthy evolutionary psychology telling you to take care of yourself. After removal, forgive and move forward, but keep the lesson learned from what happened.

How to stop holding grudges

Quotes About Grudges

Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

“To be wronged is nothing, unless you continue to remember it.”
― Confucius

Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”
― Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith

Huffington Post - Loosening Your Grip ON Those Grudges: Learn How to Forgive and Move On

There is a time for being angry and a time for putting it in the past and moving on. Some things are worthy of hate and anger. Some are in the 'unforgivable' category. But at the same time, we have to move forward from those bad things that have happened. Otherwise, those bad situations and people will continue to hurt us. If we dwell on it, then the abuse doesn't stop.

Common Sense Psychology

How to Forgive the Unforgivable

The act of forgiveness is something everyone can learn, though it usually takes time. The first step is to be sure you have a full understanding of what forgiveness means. The bare essence of forgiveness, says Dr. DiMaggio, is being willing to give up the resentment and the desire to punish, and to give up the anger that you feel concerning a person or an act. It does not mean you have to condone what was done to you or that you need to forget it happened. If you're holding on to the pain of a past event, such as not getting a job you wanted or even being abused, Dr. DiMaggio says that you'll need to practice acceptance. While you can't change the past, you can decide to relegate the event to history by accepting that it happened and releasing your resentment.

What's the payoff/cost? This may surprise you, but people get a payoff by hanging on to past hurts; unspoken "benefits" associated with their continued resentment and anger. Probably the most common of these, he says, is the feeling of being right. Other reasons are that the "unforgivable" act might have handed you a trump card in a relationship, making you feel more powerful and in control, or you might feel that because the other did wrong, you are now off the hook for certain responsibilities. Finding the payoff factor often requires some in-depth soul-searching and honesty. Once you've uncovered the reason to which you are holding, evaluate what you're getting out of it versus the emotional -- and physical -- price you're paying. You'll probably see that the pain isn't worth whatever advantage you thought you were achieving.

So why am I posting this? Two reasons.

First ... this is one of my many shortcomings ... holding a grudge. I'm working on it. It's not easy. I'm old and stuck in my ways but I'm trying, very hard, to 'let things go' more. That doesnt' mean I'm accepting the really bad stuff. It means that I'm accepting that everyone makes mistakes, including myself, and I have to give others the same 'break' that I want them to give me.

Second ... I'm sharing what I think is good information and that may be helpful to some folks. I think it would be a good discussion for people and perhaps some folks would be able to let go of grudges and/or share how they are able to do the same. I'm sure some folks will say it's better to hang on to the grudge so as not to forget and so as not to allow oneself to be abused again. That's fine. I'd like to hear from those folks too. This should be a balanced discussion with everyone's views welcome.

a reply to: FlyersFan

Healthy would be
letting me choke the crap out them...

Okay, okay... maybe just slap them around a bit...


look if someone pisses me off enough that I hold a 'Grudge' it's because they did something bad to me...
Forget all the touchy-feely forgive and forget BS--- it was a life lesion about trusting the wrong people... that's a valuable thing that will keep you from harm in the future....

Forgiving myself for letting them do---whatever--- that's what I need to work on

forgive, but never forget. let the anger go without losing the lesson.

originally posted by: HardCorps
Healthy would be letting me choke the crap out them...

Ahhhh .... so perhaps you'd like this thread -
ATS Thread - Why is Revenge Bad?
I agree with you .. revenge isn't a bad thing.
So what does that do to my 'trying not to hold grudges' thoughts?
Hmmmm .... gotta' think about it.

originally posted by: TzarChasm
forgive, but never forget. let the anger go without losing the lesson.

There ya' go. Lessons learned should be remembered but don't hold on to the anger or the bad situation will continue to hurt you.

originally posted by: FlyersFan

originally posted by: HardCorps
Healthy would be letting me choke the crap out them...

So what does that do to my 'trying not to hold grudges' thoughts?
Hmmmm .... gotta' think about it.

Screw all that pop psychology I'm okay your not BS...
we have those kinds of feeling and emotions for a reason.
It's like the flight or fight response... it's there for a reason...

to teach and warn you not to do something stupid...

why in the world would you want to get rid of that?

Unless your obsessing... now that's different...

a reply to: HardCorps

You are talking about evolutionary psychology. That was my favorite class when getting my psychology degree. It explained a heck of a lot about human behavior.

Learning a lesson and holding a grudge are two different things.

Learning a lesson would be something like - "HardCorps lied to me so I can't trust that person at least in the near future" that's a smart, evolutionary psychology thing to remember. It's a survival instinct from evolution.

Holding a grudge would be like - "HardCorps lied to me and he is pure evil and I hate him .. and I hate him ... and I hate him'. Ruminating on it like that is more harmful to me then just keeping the lesson learned in mind.

Hate, and by extension grudges, are most harmful to the person allowing this in their lives. It is an energy consuming emotion. It gives nothing back. Don't forget but don't dwell either.

originally posted by: intrepid
Hate, and by extension grudges, are most harmful to the person allowing this in their lives. It is an energy consuming emotion. It gives nothing back. Don't forget but don't dwell either.

im told that holding on to anger is like holding a burning coal in your fist while plannng to throw it at someone. you burn yourself more than youll ever burn them.

a reply to: intrepid

agreed.

you need to learn to let go of the anger, the hate, whatever..... lest it eat you up from the inside out.

don't necessarily have to forget, but to at least forgive ..... which will typically alleviate the weight whatever it is plays on one's self.

good thread/topic.

Grudges are mixed up with your determination gene.....gotta separate through reasoning them through....
Its ok to be determined to survive...not ok to hold a grudge as it becomes counter productive to survival....

a reply to: FlyersFan

Evolutionary psychology was a 220 level class if I remember right.
I only sat in that class so I could get to know this sweet looking redhead who stood next to me in line at the registers office.

"HardCorps lied to me and he is pure evil and I hate him .. and I hate him ... and I hate him'. Ruminating on it like that is more harmful to me then just keeping the lesson learned in mind.

Hey man, I only took you car your home your job and your wife to teach you a lesion...

Nothing is worth stressing over--- and hate will eat you up inside if you don't let it go.

I say acknowledge it, embrace it, know it for what it is... But also know when to walk away...

a reply to: TzarChasm

Yup. The mental and emotional energy it takes to maintain that anger is draining. Been there. It's useless.

Advice all ATS members need to hear.

originally posted by: HardCorps
But also know when to walk away...

sage advice, and likely why wife and i are still together after 26 years.

sure it's been a roller coaster ride, the likes of which the world's likely never known...


but the one thing we've always done is to air our grievances of and with one another openly, honestly and not to keep anything bottled up or from each other.

people look at us oddly at times in public, parties, gatherings, etc...

'did you just hear what he/she said to him/her!? - like


we're just open, often bluntly so and honest with each other straight up.

hurt feelings mend far more quickly, when they're not left to fester.

Minor grudges like the prefect who told me the tuck shop was all out of Smith's salt and vigar crisps, only to give an entire box to his mate for a party I can forgive.

Nutjobs who micro-manage the careers of other people from thousands of miles away by demanding that they "want the most qualified person/the brighest graduate" to work on some obscure part of the industry (which just happens to be the exact opposite direction that the rest of the industry is going) I can never forgive. Especially if it has blown me out of countries and career paths.

Few bottles of sake usually do quite well ... especially if got a cute lady pouring the sake ..

Works better than psychobabble ..

a reply to: FlyersFan

Positive vibes emitting from you OP
If some considered grudges or hatred eats at them from their cores outward which can affect health negatively perhaps they wouldn't do so. If all the minds were resonating on one similar platform of conscious PEACE there would be physical effects globally and possibly major metaphysical effects...

Its like a domino effect the MORE LIGHTS in consciousness those in dark consciousness shall see and may LEARN from if not participate on more balanced conscious thought processes after they learn/recognize that "we" are only trying to make things better for us ALL*

I also like the place yourself in another's place to potentially see how hatred and ignorance reflected @ them may bother them in order to be more considerate of others and what they may be going thru...

Keep up the good work OP it makes sense-
If we all clean up our own ways of thinking & behaving individually perhaps the WHOLE* shall advance w/ none left behind to try again.

NAMASTE
LOVE LIGHT ETERNIA*******

a reply to: FlyersFan

My grandfather once told me there are three things to always remember about holding a grudge.

1 - You will be the only one to hold it.

2 - They never come with handles to make them easy to hold.

3 - THey have a way of getting bigger over time.

I have found this to be very very true, so I quit holding a grudge against anyone for any reason. It has proved to be much better on my mind and blood pressure.

a reply to: FlyersFan

"Communication only works if both are honest and both are listening."

What if the problem is that they aren't listening in the first place?