Just can't shake this habit

Hello everybody

I am writing on here out of desperation, I need help/advice on how to get over my tendencies to shy away from women. I am 23 and have been single for a long time. I never had a girlfriend through out highchool so I feel I am inexperienced in relationships and everyone else is so far ahead it sort of intimidates and deters me from pursuing a girlfriend. It is not rejection I am afraid of, I am a very introvert person and enjoy my alone time but I do still crave a relationship. I have had two girlfriends that have only lasted a month because I just cannot open up and reveal myself to someone so easily, I see others doing this and wonder how they do it with ease. more recently I want to ask this girl I went to highschool with out on a date but then I think of how hard it will be to put myself through all of these uncomfortable situations e.g keeping conversation, meet my family, meet her family etc. It is strange, I have noticed I can be myself around my friends girlfriends but as soon as there is a single girl on the scene I freeze up and become boring.

I am at a constant battle with my own mind, the side of me who wants to be alone and the side who doesn't and when it comes down it the alone voice wins. If I go to ask her out today I just know I will talk myself out of it last second thinking it is to much trouble and to awkward. As I am getting older I am starting to realize how bad my situation is, when I was in highschool I didn't give a poop about this. I have many friends so I am fine on that front, a few of them are in the same situation. I understand some people on here may see this as whining and crying behind my computer (and I get that) but I need help and don't know where else to turn.

I need some advice people.

Start talking to your friends girlfriends about your issues and ask them advice about it.
It will get you talking to the opposite sex and you'll learn a bit about opening up.

The moment you stop trying (and stop caring so much) is the very moment something will happen for you.

Insecure desperation is a foul cologne that women can smell from miles away. So you simply have to say "F it", and go on about your life. It's counter-intuitive, but it works.

originally posted by: NthOther
The moment you stop trying (and stop caring so much) is the very moment something will happen for you.

Insecure desperation is a foul cologne that women can smell from miles away. So you simply have to say "F it", and go on about your life. It's counter-intuitive, but it works.

Ya Ive been told that before, but up until about a year ago I haven't cared and that did nothing for me.

Just remember that the only thing holding you back is you. Be yourself. The girl will surely know you are shy and will bring you out of your shell. I have done it with shy people. Try not to think too much. Just be yourself and let go. Don't turn the situation into one you will regret by not asking her out. You'll be fine!

originally posted by: Shepard64

Ya Ive been told that before, but up until about a year ago I haven't cared and that did nothing for me.

Why do you care all the sudden? You're only 23, man. You've got plenty of time for all of this to work itself out. There's so much more to be done.

a reply to: Shepard64

Being shy sucks. I know.

However there comes a time where you have to go out and learn to not be shy.
You need to get that out of your system.

If doing that means going out somewhere and talking to as many women as you can in a day. Then that's what you have to do.
Go out. Talk to women. They won't bite.
If you don't practice this you won't get over it.
Face your fear and overcome it.

You are trying to go through a wall and ignoring the door right next to you. The problem is that you see a woman as a target with a set of rituals to go through before you can get with her. before you have even asked her out you are already worried about her meeting your parents. That's just crazy. You are trying too hard. You obviously need a different approach.

I don't know what you do for pleasure, but there must be something you are interested in, some activity or subject. Let's use a mundane and stupid example. Let's say you like to play miniature golf. Well, go play it. Sooner or later you will discover that other people also like to play miniature golf and that there are even miniature golf tournaments, clubs, publications, and activities. And some of these people who avail themselves of all this will be women. And sooner or later you will be playing with them, maybe even competing, and afterwards you may even have lunch, or a drink, or something to further your relationship.

And before you know it, you'll have one. It will show up when you are NOT LOOKING FOR IT.

So:

1) Relax. Don't worry about it.
2) Go do what you like to do.
3) Bazinga!

a reply to: Shepard64

It would appear that you are a pretty deep thinker- which most people your age are not.
The majority of your friends will be married, parents and divorced in ten years. They will envy you for taking time to mature, enjoy life and define what you want in a relationship.
If you want female companionship, but feel too awkward in semi-private settings, try going to concerts, movies, or someplace where you don't have to talk a lot. Maybe a library? ( I jest.)
If you get the other person talking about themselves ( their favorite topic) all you have to do is nod.

Google 'How to be a good conversationalist' and 'How to overcome shyness' if you're really serious, but I would say there is absolutely nothing wrong with your approach to life right now. It is normal for your age, and while your not the 'speed dating' type, you will find your life and relationships much more rewarding than theirs in the long run.
Good on you!

a reply to: nugget1

Nugget I have always thought of myself as a deep thinker but I never related it to this and it makes perfect sense.
Thank you

All I can add is women - girls are scary!

Most guys are nervous when they talk to a pretty girl. Just be yourself. You're putting too much pressure on yourself just relax and go with your instinct.

Be confident but respect the girl find out her interests and show you care.

Like most things practice makes perfect.....well acceptable.

Take it easy you'll find what you're looking for.

originally posted by: Shepard64
a reply to: nugget1

Nugget I have always thought of myself as a deep thinker but I never related it to this and it makes perfect sense.

You've had several people here give you some good advice, and THIS is the one you relate to? My 11th grade English teacher had this to say:

Me: I know what my problem is.
She: What?
Me: I think too much.
She: No. You worry too much.

Think deeply on that.

originally posted by: schuyler

originally posted by: Shepard64
a reply to: nugget1

Nugget I have always thought of myself as a deep thinker but I never related it to this and it makes perfect sense.

You've had several people here give you some good advice, and THIS is the one you relate to? My 11th grade English teacher had this to say:

Me: I know what my problem is.
She: What?
Me: I think too much.
She: No. You worry too much.

Think deeply on that.

And I thank you all, but I have heard it all before and this one I havn't

a reply to: Shepard64

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.

Henry Ford

Good luck

My friend I can relate to this thread completely, I had a similar situation at a similar age to you a few years ago.
Tho I have by no means figured everything out or found anyone in the long run. I can tell you everyone is correct in saying stop worrying so much, go out and be yourself without trying. Find out who you are completely before you try to complete yourself with someone else.
That's my 2 cents mang, have a good one

a reply to: Shepard64

Hey Shepard64, I can relate a lot to your attitude on life. I love being by myself. I find human interaction a bit awkward and pointless at times, especially when I know my mind can be better suited elsewhere. However, I think schuyler gave you the best advice so far. You shouldn't be thinking about meeting this girl's parents, etc. If you DO get up the courage to finally talk to her, chances are it'll last a few dates maybe a few weeks. Just the truth.

I met my wife when I wasn't looking for anyone, I was online playing poker(something I love) and she happened to be playing poker as well and we became friends. 5 years later and we've been married three years. I still love to be by myself and my wife loves to go out shopping, so it works

I know it sounds cliche and you "heard it all before"(sometimes that means it's right) but just be yourself and do something you love, don't worry about finding a girlfriend, those things will just come. When you find someone who really blows your mind away, you won't dare let yourself be "too shy" trust me

originally posted by: pryed -eyed-one
Find out who you are completely before you try to complete yourself with someone else.
That's my 2 cents mang, have a good one

That's sort of along the lines of " how can you expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself" I agree with this statement and am working on it

To add to my problem, I feel I had expectations as a child that were not fullfilled. I just assumed I would grow up and get a girlfriend because thats what happens to everybody and now fast forward and here I am. Oh god I am starting to sound like Elliot Rodgers! Don't worry people I realize this isn't the end and I believe I will find someone but there is just always that thought in the back of the mind that says otherwise.

a reply to: Shepard64

Firstly it's very brave of you to post this thread and it shows your thought process is already changing.

Believe it or not I was once introverted, shy around girls, and suffered from a lack of confidence.

Then I learned to talk LOL.

Seriously my friend in my experience, ladies like a confident fellow that makes them laugh, a bit of bad boy never goes amiss either.

My advice would be to talk to her, about her. Let her do the talking, as time goes by you'll pick up on things that you have in common and are both interested in, Bang boring issue resolved.

Just my 2 cents, and my best wishes to you

Go get her killer

Cody

I'm younger than you, 19, and I'm in a similar situation to yours.
I too have never had a a lasting relationship.
I'm still a virgin and I had 1 gf during my life, puberty struck me late so I was growing pubes at 14/15 my friends were already nailing chicks, I was eager to have sex too, but when the time came to do them, I would go shy and nervous and never go through with it, I pretty much gave up chasing girls after some unfortunate events.
So while my mates were partying I would stay home reading or playing Xbox 360 like a true virgin geek!
What did I get from not chasing girls? Not much, but neither did my friends in doing that, while they have had sex with some hot ladies (and some not so hot), I read some amazing novels and got to 10th prestige on MW2.... owait (this is very very subjective :p).
Anyway, I'm still a virgin, I'm okay with it
I don't want to sound like I'm super confident but I'm sure I will, and so will you, sooner or later, find a girl we're interested in and one that will make us feel confortable enough to start opening up etc.. eventually it will happen!
What advice can I give you man, I would just not worry, your age is 21? you are still very young, in 10 years, it will be so different most probably.

Yes, now and then I get this lonely feeling, but it can't always be how you like it
I enjoy my own company, and I have friends I can depend on, and for the sexy timez, my hand will have to do for now, so it's not all that bad!

cheers dude