Living through your kids

What are the reasons for having children ? obviously there is a biological drive since animals don't question why they procreate its just a subconscious instinct.

In olden days maybe it was to have extra hands to help with farm work and perhaps look after you when you get old.

But in modern times what I find with humans is that deep down many of them think or hope that they are going to give birth to a child who is going to be in some way gifted or special. You listen to a group of young mothers talking about how Johnny can do a poo all by himself, or how the teacher said Sam is a gifted. Parents are showing their kids off and bragging to each other as if they were new cars.

Many parents build up this fantasy in their heads about how there child is going to be and what they are going to achieve in life, in reality those fantasies are their own and the things they want their child to achieve are the things they would like to have achieved.

I remember years ago when I was a young adult a guy in a martial arts class I used to go to showed me an empty photo album. He told me it was for his son (his girlfriend was pregnant at the time) and he said its for all the medals and trophies his son is going to win at martial arts, I just smiled and said "that's nice"

Life does not work like this, you cannot live through your children and when your children get older they will make sure you know it too! Children are born with their individual personality, I'm absolutely sure of this and for that matter puppies from the same litter are born with their own individual characteristics too. I myself am completely different from my older brother and my sisters, not only that but I am very different from my parents also.

Truth is I have seen good parents give birth to a daemon kid who caused them nothing but heartache, yet they loved that kid and still held out some belief that it was going in some way to make them proud, fat chance of that happening but as I said parenting can be full of unrealistic fantasies.

Giving birth to a child could be compared to holding a lottery ticket, everyone wishes they are going to get lucky but in life there are winners and losers. Your child might be at the top of the class or they might sit at the back.
But that's what I think in modern times you have loads of parents all thinking their child is going to be in some way very special, this even extends to giving them unusual names. Have you noticed in recent times parents giving their kids really strange and unusual names, subconsciously they are saying my kid is not going to be like other kids, my kids "special". Chances are if you bring a child up with that belief they will end up as spoilt good for nothing brat instead. "My child is an indigo kid" hahaha

Personally I believe you only produce the biological body of the human into which a soul will incarnate, that soul may be an old wise soul or it may be a young juvenile soul, may even be an evil soul if your unlucky. Perhaps karma plays a big role in the whole process?

Nope.
I had kids, and now have grandkids, so I can do all the fun stuff, like building forts, playing with toys and playing in the rain, without being put into a mental hospital.



Honestly, I didn't have kids hoping they would somehow be special. (besides to me)

New parents are the worst. I agree with you about the entire "living through my kids" trip. Having decided long ago to never have children was for me and decision of ethics. Not to mention I did not want to raise children in what has now become a pretty awful time for kids. Call me psychic if you want but I inherently knew the world would be too crowded. Not to mention, not fun. Were I to have behaved the way I did as a kid now I would most likely have a significant arrest record....

The time for kids is past. It is time to hunker down and think about the effects of having kids.

Of course not a single parent will believe me when I say that as most are programmed by society and their own bodies to breed.
For me kids are a waste of my time, resources and they just make more poo that the world already has enough of.

I hear you. My parents lived through me. Each success of mine resulted in listening to them brag about the wonderful parents they were. Each failure resulted in a hell of a beating. Today, they don't remember one beating.

They're sad people, and their self-esteem now hinges on how much money their friends have.

I think when a person doesn't feel like they're worth much, they often look outside themselves to find their own value because it's so much easier than it is to find or create something valuable within themselves. As an expecting parent, I'd be thrilled to have a son who is as enthusiastic about mastering the physical prowess of ice hockey as I'd have been, were I a boy past the '70's . And I'd also be thrilled to have a girl who pursued dance as I did. But I'm willing to embrace and support any affinity they have and any hobby they're interested in, barring pole dancing and cage-wrestling. Then again, I've seen the worst-case scenario of what can happen if I don't do that. It's sad, but there are many parents who feel and are empty inside, and their children are tasked with filling the void we are all responsible for filling ourselves.

reply to post by LUXUS


In high school i was an all state offensive lineman. A real blue chipper. Had I been the man I am today at that time, I likely would have ended up playing some level of professional football. I was a shadow of a man at the time. My "intellect" and my body were strong, my spirit was in miserable shape. My experience there is what has made me change into a man who will refuse to quit (although I am not dumb enough to beat a dead horse, and can cut losses if need be).

This is what I want for my son. I realized it when he was about 8 years old. I had raised him well up to that point, but had always wanted him to play football like I did. He would have been a legend, too, as he is far larger and stronger than I was at his age. He didn't want to play football, though. It wasn't in his interest. My old high school coach is the atheletic director at this school, and knows my son in the context of me. So the heat is high to get him to suit up...but he just doesn't want to.

It was when he told me he didn't want to play football...that was when I realized a lot of things. First, i can't live vicariously through him in that way. More importantly, a desire for vicarious living was not in his best interest. Not at all. I have my fair share of aches/pains earned from a decade of playing football. Why does he need to have that to live with?

I decided, however, that I DO want to live vicariously through him. I want him to acheive. But, instead of having him achieve what I want....we are having him achieve what HE wants.

He has the brains for college study, but is more interested in working in trades. So i have arranged for a new machine/fabrication shop that is being built in town to take him in as an apprentice. He works for me on an "on call" basis, and they will match the hourly rate I pay him when he works for them, around 20 hours a week (i designed their artwork/logo, business cards, and stationary in exchange). I have been making payments on a welding set up for him, too. By the time he is 17, he will have enough welding equipment, experience, and contacts to start making his own name. Is welding/machining my thing? Nope....business is. So my vicarious living is going to be to help him turn his passion into profit.

living vicariously through your kids....it can be a bad thing. Or a good thing. The real question is, whose best interest are you working towards? Synergy might be a better approach, so that both parties benefit.

At least, that is my 2 cents.

reply to post by chasingbrahman


I'm on my second child and yes I've learned that every child is different. I didn't form them into what I want them to be, I go along with whatever interests them. Because when they are interested they do great with it. And I do believe in the soul, yes the life you live now determines what u will be in your next lifetime. One lifetime you could be a bully, next lifetime the person being bullied. Shed all Karmas, and your soul will no longer be born.

I wish elementary schools focused more on the child individuality. One child may want to learn more about science, another child may want to learn more about art, another may just want to run lol, but that is why I take the time to teach my kids. I don't rely solely on school curriculum.

Living through your child, no.. supporting your childs passions and own goals if any, yes.
To me child was a gift.. and if he is gifted i never brag about. He is not sporty or intrested in sports in any way, only sport he enjoys is cross country skiing without taking time how long it takes. He is also naive and combination of young and old soul together.. i was worried when he started school if he will get bullied cos he is this way and always believes the best of people, i was surprised that he made many friends even he isn´t sporty physical boy playing rough as boys do. He is friend of all the kids in his class which is more than i expected.

At school`s sport day and competitions two boys of his class started fighting together cos other one had lost a running competition to another, my kid went there and started calming these boys telling them "this is not important its just a play" when i saw this ( yes i worried ) i though my kid has no self defencive cell in him, he could have easily got a punch there too. I have been thinking if he would be intrested in karate and have been planning to take him in introduction course just to show him its not about violence and more about mind, spirit and body.

He is happy child.. its the most important thing to us

The world is a better place with my young son in it.

It is brighter, and when we are out doing things, I get to see the rather mundane world through his eyes and his attitude.

Children are a symbol of hope, of confidence, of the future.

reply to post by bigfatfurrytexan


I think the main thing a parent should do is try to help their kid find what they are good at sometimes its not clear cut. Same with sport expose them to every sport and they will decide what feels right and it might not be football!

When I was at school coach wanted be to play basketball or rugby because I was the tallest in my year, but I had zero interest in basketball and still have zero interest in it.

And its funny because when I'm out at a pub or bar I always get asked "what Rugby team do you play for" and I'm like I dont play rugby, then I get this confused look from them. Seriously this happens every time I go to a pub/bar, getting well sick of it, maybe I should just play it to shut their mouths.

reply to post by LUXUS


He did theater tech last year, meaning he built sets for the theater program in his high school. This year, he took welding. His welding instructor and him have hit it off very well, and he has shown some talent in that regard.

He enjoys welding. He wants to eventully get a mechanical engineering degree so he can make firearms. Which is his other passion (he knows more about firearms than anyone i have ever met).

reply to post by dollukka



Yes if he is too trusting of others (has a soft soul) you should bring him to martial arts because in future it could be dangerous for him. Not just Karate because he might not like it, take him to a few different martial arts and hi might like one.

beezzer

Children are a symbol of hope, of confidence, of the future.

I don't agree with that, some parents have brat kids and they cast dim hope for the future, and not all kids are bright either, just the way it is.

reply to post by LUXUS


Yes he is and a way too trusty. I have thought martial arts would be it he could be intrested in. In here they don´t let kids who uses their martial arts trainings in kids fights back to the dojo as its a big NO NO and against their rules. They also say kids with peaceful nature do well there and are more "spiritually" involved in training.. so i believe he could enjoy it and learning a bit self protection won´t hurt.

reply to post by dollukka


Yes that is correct of all teachers, they don't like to teach thugs. Jujitsu is also very good, more useful in real life then Karate but that's just my opinion, they teach kids there too.

Me and my girlfriend are actually expecting our first child this summer. I hope we won't end up bragging about our child like a new car, and I can't tell you exactly what it is that makes me so overjoyed that I am going to be a father, but I certainly don't think it is to live through my future children.

Looking back to the OP, I think there is a careful distinction to be made between pride and pressure: the man with the empty photo album is expecting specific 'great' things from an unborn child, he is setting standards that he wants both his child and himslef to live up to: the yummy mummy in the car park however, she never put a date down when her child should be pooing by itself, but she is proud now it has happened.

Being proud and enthusiastic about your child whatever they do, is very different from wishing them to be anything more than your child.

bigfatfurrytexan


I decided, however, that I DO want to live vicariously through him. I want him to acheive. But, instead of having him achieve what I want....we are having him achieve what HE wants.

In a nut shell . . . THAT say's it all

reply to post by LUXUS


I have to agree with you in some regards, the 'everyone's a winner' mentality that seems not only prevalent in kids but also parents these days drives me insane. Parents that seem to want their child to be a standout or be somehow a cut above the rest really irk me. Special names? I grew up with a friend who had an unusual name, and what he copped from bullies just for being different is something that I took into great consideration when naming my own.

I'd be lying if thinking what kind of world I'm bringing my girls up into doesn't stress me and keep awake at night sometimes. But they are here, right now, so I can't change it even if I wanted to.

I think a lot of other posters have hit the nail on the head in saying that some people just want their kids to relive their own fallen dreams, and yes, I would love to see my kids succeed where I have failed in life. I would also like to see them fall over or get it wrong sometimes too, which they have.

These lessons, these failures have made me a better, wiser person for the experience, something people need to teach their kids.

Most people are taught to fail is somehow just wrong these days, we've gone to an immediate success rate world these days, where failure isn't an option any more. Along the way we've forgotten mistakes are just the learning process, and as a result put enormous pressure on our kids so we don't look bad along with them, which is ruining society.

Our first roles as parents is as nurturers and teachers. I want my kids to succeed at whatever they choose, not what I want them to be good at. Why? Because I want them to have all the advantages I never had. Mt folks did the best they could with me, and I want my kids to have not just a life, but a future. If they want different things than I did, then I'll support them 100%. If they make mistakes? Learn from it and move on, which is the first thing I say to them. "What did you learn from it?"